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In many ways I am envious of where you are. I sometimes want to just force my W to make a decision. Just recommit and we can work on things or just end it...rip the band aid off.

But I see too much of what I like in her and there is a lot I didn't do right but am now working on.

There are a LOT OF smart educated women who are looking for someone smile

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Well... You still have a chance! Fight for it! I would gladly be in your situation where my wife would actually want to (at least on some level) work on our marriage.

It pains me to know that I've lost this due to long-term depression. My doctor prescribed me Cipralex (AD, escitalopram, same as Lexapro, SSRI) today. I read some stories in Internet and people seem to have had similar problems than I do and this med has changed their lives in mere weeks or months. I should have pushed for this earlier and I hope I get those same effects. My mother said she actually has used the same med recently because of having supreme depression due to work changes. She said she was on the point of jumping to hug the doctor crying when she got prescribed (had severe depression for few months) and a month later she was feeling awesome.

Well, at least my next spouse most likely will be happy. But that is in the future.


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Originally Posted By: lcause

True. That still doesn't erase all the crap I did, or actually didn't do - but we still had very good moments in our R.


I'm sure if I wanted to bother I could come up with a laundry list of XW's issues that is longer than whatever list of stuff I did wrong (in fact I can think of a couple of big ones right off the top of my head, LOL!) We spend a lot of times beating ourselves up after BD, but most of us were probably pretty darned good husbands and fathers with maybe a flaw here and there. Maybe no better than our W's, but probably no worse either.

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Well, she's divorced.


Your sig says 12/17? I assumed you meant the D hasn't happened yet?

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OMG. THIS IS JUST LIKE ME!!! First almost two months I was feeling super good, but last week it hit me hard and especially the OM thing.


Well then I feel for you, because it was HORRIBLE. Worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. Are you having panic attacks? Those were the worst. Felt like I was literally going to die. When they would hit at work I couldn't sit at my desk, had to get up and walk around. Why it didn't happen until 2 months after BD is beyond me. I started on SSRIs (I think it was Viibryd?) and also something for the panic attacks.

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I've heard really bad things about SSRIs but I think I'm going for it!


They take a while to kick in, and you have to take them consistently once you start. And you DO NOT want to quit them cold turkey, bad things can happen. It took a few weeks for them to really start making a difference, but once they kicked in I felt very much like my pre-BD self. Whatever weird chemical things happened to me after BD seemed to be reversed by the A/D's. After a few months I tapered off of them by taking about 10% less per week (cutting the tabs). This was after discussing it with my doc of course. So it took a little over two months to stop them completely, and let me tell you I was scared to take that last step! But I felt fine and have ever since (and it's been over 5 years).


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

I'm sure if I wanted to bother I could come up with a laundry list of XW's issues that is longer than whatever list of stuff I did wrong (in fact I can think of a couple of big ones right off the top of my head, LOL!) We spend a lot of times beating ourselves up after BD, but most of us were probably pretty darned good husbands and fathers with maybe a flaw here and there. Maybe no better than our W's, but probably no worse either.

Well... My list is much bigger and worse. I can say that much. I'm amazed she loved me that much for that long. I guess she could properly just erase the annoying thing about me (being absent and too much on my own world) and be happy otherwise. Lately I was very insecure (didn't want to meet relatives due to poor job despite being MSc, didn't want to travel due to poor money situation, ...) I did not progress in my life etc. This is the reason why I think all my hope is lost.

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Your sig says 12/17? I assumed you meant the D hasn't happened yet?

Yeah, it's not legally over yet. But I think at least for her and the OM, the marriage is over when she drops the D bomb/files for D. I don't think it should be considered an affair anymore, but rather a new R.

Though, finding a potential step-father and meeting him "a couple of times" in mere two months seems quite suspicious...

Actually, I think it started as an EA. A few days prior to BD, my XW and children were at relatives in some party and I was feeling tired. I told her I'd clean up the house a bit and chill. Later, when she got home, she sent WhatsApp message to me "vacuumed the kitchen and the hallway" "whooooooooo". She was in a different room and I went to ask her what that was about. She seemed quite surprised about it, but told me she's happy I cleaned. It didn't hit me then but I think it was meant to be sent to somebody else. Don't EAs usually start with the H/W whining about their S for someone opposite sex?

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Well then I feel for you, because it was HORRIBLE. Worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. Are you having panic attacks? Those were the worst. Felt like I was literally going to die. When they would hit at work I couldn't sit at my desk, had to get up and walk around. Why it didn't happen until 2 months after BD is beyond me. I started on SSRIs (I think it was Viibryd?) and also something for the panic attacks.

It really feels the worst thing I've ever experienced. I'm not having panic attacks but I burst to crying unexpectedly, I can't sleep, I constantly think about my future. Although I might experience some sort of a slight version of panic/anxiety attacks especially when going to sleep (body starts to feel warm and anxiety kicks in). Hopefully the SSRI helps.

I have no clue either for you. For me it was the OM, definitely. The insomnia makes it even worse.

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They take a while to kick in, and you have to take them consistently once you start. And you DO NOT want to quit them cold turkey, bad things can happen. It took a few weeks for them to really start making a difference, but once they kicked in I felt very much like my pre-BD self. Whatever weird chemical things happened to me after BD seemed to be reversed by the A/D's. After a few months I tapered off of them by taking about 10% less per week (cutting the tabs). This was after discussing it with my doc of course. So it took a little over two months to stop them completely, and let me tell you I was scared to take that last step! But I felt fine and have ever since (and it's been over 5 years).

That's really nice to hear. There's so much stuff online about how bad SSRIs are in some cases. Weight gain, no result for depression, less motivation and drive etc. Hopefully these won't happen for me. I know the first few weeks will be painful due to side effects.


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Couldn't sleep at all last night so had to call in sick. This divorce is really taking all my willpower to do anything or even live my life.

It really hurts me to video call my D and miss over half of my children's lives. How long can I take this gut-wrenching, knife-through-my-heart pain. Probably lasts longer.

I wish I would have been a better husband, at least a tiny bit. I wish I could have noticed the signs and corrected the course before it was too late. I wish I had hope. It is so obvious that I got replaced by another man who supported her emotionally when she pulled away from me. I can't see any future for us anymore and really wonder what goes in the mind of a woman who just had a baby... that was made with love, tried for over half a year, going through one miscarriage... and then just ditch their H without even trying therapy or any real effort.

Oh well, got Rx for sleeping pills. Maybe there is a brighter future somewhere in distance.

I've abandoned all my GALs for this week, except for seeing my kids. I'll go visit my parents for the weekend and I'll see some family and friends over there.


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I think you are being very hard on yourself here. It sounds like your depression prevented you from fully operating to the best of your abilities.

As to what she did yes that is painful. In my case too my W felt I wasn't there for her emotionally (which wasn't entirely true but I do deserve some blame). It was easy for my W to go further and further. She told me that when she went to meet him in public she was convinced she would not like him. She told me that he wasn't BF material but I can see how she was working her way around that. What was LUCKY in my case: OM couldn't really be there for her. It was mostly text and only later at night. I am fairly certain it would have progressed much further if my W had a chance to be with him a lot more times. In the meantime she saw a H suddenly changing and being able to offer a lot of her needs in ways that I hadn't shown.

So I can see how your W would react the same way and increasingly find someone else. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt especially if you are now getting better medication. But who knows...maybe she is scared and especially with a newborn that can influence action... Who knows that if she sees this medication changes a lot she will see you in a different light.

My W sees me in a different light...I just don't know if she is sincere or if she is just biding her time until she can make it work financially but that thought requires me to have an evil perception of her that I don't like. If it is true, so be it but I cannot let that make me impatient and in fact it would violate what I need to do in terms of 180s. But she stayed with me for years while she was unhappy and I can see recently she is much warmer than she usually was. So SOMETHING is different. And it started with me working on myself. You are working on yourself. Don't worry who will be in your life. Whoever it is they will love YOU. And know that with a child you will always have your W in your life. If the two of you want to there are very real opportunities for that.

But of course...we want it today. Even tomorrow is too far away. I understand. As someone who is dealing with needing to be patient this exercise is actually very healthy for me.

So my advice would be unless you know it is not true: maybe your W was scared of having a newborn with a person who is dealing with issues. YOU are working on that through medication. The more you are a better version of yourself...well who knows what the future holds.

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Thank you Tobias.

You had luck on your side then, if the OM couldn't be there. Your wife could snap out of it, at least partially. It seems like the OM for my XW is there for her and really actively pushing for it... My XW is dropping my D every day to either D's grandparents or D's cousin. Children are with her this weekend and she has already scheduled a sleepover for my D. I know I shouldn't be thinking about it, but it is quite clear what she is doing.

What man would do this really? Have sex with a woman who is still married, has a 6 months old baby and is still breast feeding? I don't see that attractive at all for someone outside.

I can guarantee you that you were/are a better husband. I've been absent at times for quite a long time. It started with XW getting pregnant before I was ready. I almost left then but decided to stay because I couldn't have been able to tolerate myself for doing it. Obviously now I love my D from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't change anything now in regards to her. She's my shining light, a strong girl who is very wise (going to first class after the summer but has already done some math problems that get introduced in 6th-7th class!). There are better times (I doubt my XW would have wanted to try to get a baby for half a year if she didn't really truly love me) but still, overall I can see what she had to go through. I know I could give her much better marriage now that I understand LLs, women<->men interaction and so on.

Well, I don't necessarily want it TODAY. Because I'm not the man I'm supposed to be YET. But, she is dating an OM, probably having sex each and every day she can get my D to somewhere/children are with me, and she's constantly messaging him. This is what kills all my hope from the future. I can see them moving together, I can see them getting married. What chance do I have now? I already had my chance.

The thing that I fear the most in the future is simply that I'm going to settle for less. My XW is wise, will be earning 2-3x the average pay, she is the mother of my children, she was good in bed and really loved sex. Part of me feels good... I always gived her an orgasm which she said she rarely got before me with any of the men she was/had been with! So that's at least a good thing about me. But, the OM is there for her emotionally so...

Getting back to your sitch, I truly do think you have a chance to correct your course. I truly wish it for you. Thank you for your support.


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I also realize that I've done the most stupidest things, like saying that I want us to be together in the future, I want this to work, It's hard to let go of something you love blahblah...

Well, from this point on, I will not do anything against the DBing rules. My wife send me some pictures of my D again yesterday and I didn't respond.

As it is being discussed in T384's thread, I seriously agree that it feels bad to be disposable. To be replaced this quickly. I have a feeling that the BD wouldn't have happened without the OM and who knows, maybe we could be working on our issues right now.

The biggest thought still is that what kind of a man would do this? I don't see it very attractive for outsiders. Or is there someone here who thinks a breast-feeding married woman with a 7 year old D and a baby is attractive?

Well... I guess it is possible that they are madly in love and the couple of the century. Regardless, I really do deserve someone better who realizes marriages have up and downs, and no issues are impossible to solve by communicating properly.

I now know how to handle these situations but I seriously doubt she has learned anything at all. She was always bad at communicating as I had to really pursue the info out of her; Almost beg her to tell what's wrong. I gave her multiple situations where she could have said that she's falling out of love (she kept saying she loves me till the very end) and we need to do something about it. I see that I tried to make her happy by being more with her but she wasn't receptive which made me more repulsive as well.


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> Or is there someone here who thinks a breast-feeding married woman with a 7 year old D and a baby is attractive?

Sorry, this came out wrong. There's nothing wrong in having children, or that's not unattractive. I meant the breast-feeding married woman (or just divorcing) with a newborn mostly.


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Originally Posted By: lcause
The biggest thought still is that what kind of a man would do this? I don't see it very attractive for outsiders. Or is there someone here who thinks a breast-feeding married woman with a 7 year old D and a baby is attractive?


Very few people, at least in my opinion, have much control of who they fall in love with (if it is love, which I'm not saying it nessesarily is).

When answering that question on the internet, I use my left brain half. When I meet a woman in person, I tend to use the right half. So I'm not saying it would be impossible for me, but it definately is not something I am looking for.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
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