Going through divorce #2

[lcause]

Yeah, but this doesn't seem like a WW to me. I guess WAS can lie too. I said I was willing to fight for the marriage... so she probably doesn't believe I have a date - although I doubt she trusts everything I say either...

I should. I probably said something along the lines that I can't control you obviously, but it did hurt to hear. But I'm not going to say any word about it anymore. I did make myself look weak But I can change that going to the future. I guess we all do mistakes, especially easily when they hurt us a lot.

[lcause]

Also the difference is that my XW fell out of love, so technically she's more open for another man. I don't know - it just [censored] how she replaced me. I never thought that of her. I guess it's pretty common though... I know I need to drop the rope, but it just feels so bad. Maybe if there was no one else, but now that she's with another one, I don't see a future for us. Maybe if it for some odd reason does not work (which I doubt), but the timeline for that is going to be so long that I want to feel I've moved on a long time ago. Still feeling like I can't ever top her.

I need to accept that she's done. I still process the words in my head but I know those can't be trusted. I wonder if the day when we sign the papers about schedule and child support, if she's gonna drop the bomb that it's an R. Her brother divorced a year ago and is marrying AP now. Moved with her in less than 4 months after his BD. I keep wondering...

[lcause]

One of the things that really hurt is that I was the "test subject"; she now knows what went wrong and how she should act in the future to keep her new R working.

Has anyone else felt this way?

[Holding]

You being a "test subject" implies she's thought long and hard about the MR, realized how she contributed to the issues, and is making changes to herself so she can avoid these issues in future R's. Is that really the case?

For most sitches I read around here, it seems like the LBS is the one who makes the changes and grows from the experience, not the WAS.

[Tobias]

It is of course possible she would want to avoid future mistakes. But to me her realizing how she contributed would also make it easier for her to see YOU in a different light and perhaps try to make it work with you first.

It is a lot easier continuing what you have than try it all over again. We are all different. It's personally one of the reasons why I would dread having to start the entire process over...and then see the years go by until it gets to the same number of years as now with W... and I know I would have to make sure I am not contributing to a self fulfilling prophecy.

As to what to do: at least you are going through the process. I would say GAL and detach and 180s but other than that the ball is in her court. Personally it would be easier for me to move on if the process was actually being carried out: moving out, filing for divorce, signing papers. It's the in between where hurt and pain and confusion are intense.

[lcause]

Well she said she can see the mistakes. Obviously she hasn't worked on them if she's already dating. It could be that she's only saying it to make things feel better for me. I think you do need quite a bit of time being single before you really understand all mistakes and especially what you want from a future R. Coincidence of finding the true love from an affair or directly after M is a bit low I think.

[Tobias]

I would say it is downright unlikely that you find true love that way. It may lead to a marriage. In many ways my W both ended unhappy relationships and we found each other BUT WE NEVER DEVELOPED SKILLS. So almost 10 years later almost 7 years married (August 4th) and here I am. Can we turn this into true love? Possibly. But it is a very slow process. With several ups and downs.

She might be rushing into a feeling of ecstasy and force herself to think this person makes her happy and her MR is all bad. It very likely won't work out. But we cannot tell that to them because they a) won't listen, b) if they listen will be angry or c) further distance themselves from you.

This is why so many of us on here are confused, frustrated, hurt, scared etc.

[lcause]

I would say it is downright unlikely that you find true love that way. It may lead to a marriage. In many ways my W both ended unhappy relationships and we found each other BUT WE NEVER DEVELOPED SKILLS. So almost 10 years later almost 7 years married (August 4th) and here I am. Can we turn this into true love? Possibly. But it is a very slow process. With several ups and downs.

She might be rushing into a feeling of ecstasy and force herself to think this person makes her happy and her MR is all bad. It very likely won't work out. But we cannot tell that to them because they a) won't listen, b) if they listen will be angry or c) further distance themselves from you.

This is why so many of us on here are confused, frustrated, hurt, scared etc.

Heh, I feel you. I think I didn't develop any skills either after my previous ex cheated on me. Maybe that's why I am here now as well...

At least she probably learned to end the relationship earlier Maybe not. I am not going to try to convince her to stop seeing the OM or anything. It's not my business and there's no controlling them.

Still, I keep fantasizing about a future where I am happy, living my life with a new woman, always upbeat, traveling the world, both of us having good jobs... and my XW devastated of her breakup with the new R. I wonder if I'm odd or if this is a common thing.

[Tobias]

I don't know if it is odd. I think we want a quick fix: either our W back or us with someone else who is better for us.

One question though: is that your only fantasy or do you see a future with your (X)W?

[lcause]

One question though: is that your only fantasy or do you see a future with your (X)W?

I don't. Not that I'd currently want it, but I really doubt it. She's already with someone else which is far more than just "seen each other a couple of times" as it is obviously a lie.

I wasn't a really good spouse, to be honest. I don't see her wanting me back. Maybe in a distant future if all the stars are aligned right, no one knows about that. But not in the time frame I'm willing to wait before searching for a new partner - which I don't know how long it is, but I'd really hope I would have someone in my life in 2-3 years.

I just... I just feel that I can't get anyone better. Sure, there are millions of women, but highly educated, smart ones are hard to find. I know it's awkward and dumb for me to think about money, education etc. but somehow I just keep thinking that as a factor