I know my GALing has her believing that I am out with someone or that I am hanging out with another woman - not the case, but I am not offering any explanations. I think she wanted to see if she would 'catch' me with someone at home.
Also, she might've wanted to connect emotionally about the kids, which I have space for to do with her right now. I am glad that I wasn't home when she came, but her guilt is probably building up and I am not around as her emotional support.
I know I am speculating and I need to just detach from whatever she's doing. I am doing that, but her actions are a bit all over the place.
If she comes unannounced again, I will enforce the boundary. I doubt she will, but you never know.
Hello Maika,
You are so smart to recognize that you are mind reading and that you are not detaching while you are speculating about what her thoughts and motivations are at this time.
Originally Posted By: Maika
Thanks Cristy. Money is a bit tight right now with all this separation stuff, but I do intend to get some DB coaching later this year.
I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching. Your DB Coach will help you navigate what/how to tell the children.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Anniversary coming up tomorrow. I am not going to text her or anything, unless she does and then I will respond with something generic to acknowledge it.
I just don't know how I am going to feel emotionally tomorrow. I know it's just a stupid date but I know I am going to think about the wedding day - it was a beautiful outdoor wedding and there was just so much love there with our families and close friends attending.
I am a big believer in doing dramatic things at times - truly a romantic at heart that got bogged down by life. I am thinking of taking a wedding photo and burning it and lighting my clove cig from its ashes. DRAMATIC YES! I know it sounds stupid. I know it won't be cathartic, but just something to do to process how I am feeling.
I think it would be hard to not remember and think back to those days. Mine is coming up in Sept and I am sure I will have the same feelings. Do whatever you think feels natural and makes sense to you. I am a softy and it was hard to tell my W not to come for my birthday. I know how you feel.
W has mentioned being depressed a few times in the last month. I have told her she needs to go to IC, but we'll see if she does.
But, if she has serious depression and maybe signs of being MLC, should my approach be different? I read TxHubby wrote somewhere that in cases where there is no A, the WAS might need the LBS as a source of support.
I am just trying to figure out if I am messing up or not and I believe in compassion and I still love her. I just hope that I am doing the right things.
The more we do it the easier it will come for us and if it doesn't work out in our current situations we will be better prepared the next time around......it stinks because our W's should see that and give us a chance. Like me telling my W to not go to the party tomorrow....that was hard for me but I did what I wanted for myself.
Hi Maika, I think you are DBing very well. I know this separation must be difficult for both of you. Actually, her being alone and facing her new reality is not a bad thing. Although your emotions may want to reach out to comfort your W, it's no longer your job to rescue her. She wanted out of her previous arrangement (living with you), and thought she wanted a new life. However, with the new life comes the down side she may not have fully anticipated. So, continue to gently step back and let her experience it.
I do see in you what is very common in the male newcomers. I'm referring to her invitation to go to her house for a glass of wine. Everyone has their own opinions about having sex when S, and I won't comment on that part, at the moment. I only want to caution you about reading too much into something she says or does. She was alone, bored, missing the kids, and wanting company in her new place. So, she called good ole H. It doesn't mean she wanted anything more, and it doesn't mean it was a baby step toward her returning to the MR. Don't get me wrong, you handled it fine. Just protect yourself and don't jump to any conclusion of what, how, or why she wanted you to keep her company for a little while. Learn to be your own best friend.
FWIW, I will comment about your frustration with her, in regards to your sex life before the separation. I was very much like you've described your W. For me, it stemmed from 1)a lack of sex education;......2) having about 1% knowledge about men, and how men view sex in the MR;........3) having what I call the good girl complex;........and 4) being influenced by a mother who could not talk to me positively about sex. Those were the biggest contributing negatives in my experience. It can all be overcome or worked through..... if the W wants to work through it. However, when it has become an issue in the MR and the frustrations and resentments arise between the couple.......it compounds with all of her preconceived ideas, and possibly her lack of sex education. If the W had any bad sexual experiences in the past, then it seems it would affect her narrow attitude in how to have a healthy, satisfying sex life. This may have nothing to do with your W, but there is something in her that shuts down.
I also learned that my hormones played a physical part for my low sex drive. That can be changed by seeing a hormone balancing specialist. But the hardest part was changing those preconceived beliefs about marital sex.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Firstly Sandi, thank you for commenting on my sitch. I've been reading everything you have written and it has been immensely enlightening and helpful. I am so glad for your perspective as you have been on the other side of this experience. I have read your sitch many times.
Just a few follow-ups from your comment.
Quote:
Although your emotions may want to reach out to comfort your W, it's no longer your job to rescue her. She wanted out of her previous arrangement (living with you), and thought she wanted a new life. However, with the new life comes the down side she may not have fully anticipated. So, continue to gently step back and let her experience it.
I am total newbie to this and today has been the first day so far without any contact. We've been communicating about separation stuff, but nothing today. I know I am just starting basically. In regards to your advice, how should I proceed when it comes to NC and limiting contact if she's suffering from serious depression? I've read some MLC threads about keeping the door open gently, but I am wondering if that can come off as pursuing. There is so much nuance and subtlety to this that I am trying to figure out what's best.
Quote:
It doesn't mean she wanted anything more, and it doesn't mean it was a baby step toward her returning to the MR.
absolutely right, I was just curious to see what would happen and also to see how i could handle it trying to DB the situation.
Your entire comment about the sex life is pretty much bang on. She came from a conservative religious family and pre-marital sex was taboo. sex ed was basically minimal and her past experiences weren't that great. I think she has a very narrow perspective about a healthy sexual relationship and it definitely contributed to this.
There are other things that i firmly believe that have contributed to this and created emotional confusion and depression in the last few years:
1. She left her religious faith and it took her 2 years to tell her parents. She has described it as a great loss even though she knows it's the right decision for her. 2. She recently started a very high energy graduate program which has brought a whole host of new people in her life and it's a very demanding academic program, which she's balancing with her work life.
She has also said that she's coming to terms with who she is in the past few years and I think she's having some MLC problems coupled with depression.
I am trying to be very self-critical of what I contributed to the marriage breakdown and working on improving myself, and even doing things that I had deferred for years.
I guess my biggest issue is how should I let her know that the door is still open, but not make it like I am pursuing her. I need to know if I should be in a certain way if she's battling depression and not completely check out. I just don't know what to do without compromising my DB efforts.
