Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Well, look at that! I haven't been on my own thread for a few weeks. I guess I need to update. Sorry if its long.

School is happening. I really am enjoying it and the people in my cohort. We have a good one so far...we all enjoy each other and our very different lives. So much to learn from each other, yet we were flipping each other s#!t like old friends from the get-go! Right now we're all applying for and interviewing for various internship positions in the area, as well. Limited amount of internships and four universities worth of students. Wish me luck! I do need to find that balance of studying, social life, excercise and not stress eating, though. I tend to distract myself with food and not move enough to work it off. Haven't gained a pants size yet, but... winter is coming...(lol).

So, I feel like I will never be "done" with XH. And...that's ok. He is still on my mind every day and I still have good feelings when I think of him, mostly. I just am not BOTHERED by the thoughts anymore, if that makes sense. I am learning more and more of my own worth and attributes as I move on without him. I like me and who I am revealing myself to be. It sounds trite and maybe a little boastful, but he threw away a good woman. Every guy I have dated has seen something special in me and wanted to see me again, even after I've explained my schedule is crazy busy...that has been quite surprising! They have all said they would wait, too. I'm in no hurry to have an exclusive relationship, though the bio professor is slowly growing on me. He is the most secure...no desperation and very at ease living his own life, rather than pushing me to fill it up.

Back to XH. I don't want him to be unhappy. I honestly did, not too long ago. I wanted his world to crumble...and for him to run back to me crying that he couldn't make it without me. I looked for the signs in everything he did; every interaction I had with him. He does care for me. I know this. He also knows he hurt me and feels badly about that. The rest? I can't really know. He is a mess. A ball of knotted, tangled and writhing emotions; both softly sad and jagged with rage...covered with a stretchy thin suface of confidence and cheerful charm. Kind of like a balloon filled far too full of worms and rusty nails. There are tears (both pronunciations, I guess) forming.

I'll explain, but not knowing him, me, us may make it hazy.

I received a call the other morning from him while he was at work. He seldom calls anyone while working, especially in the morning when he's busiest. He was profusely apologizing because he had set my support check aside to be sent out and someone had addressed and mailed it for him. He was insinuating that Bubbles had done it. I had expressed how hurtful that was in the past and he had tried not to have that happen again. This also tells me that he never brought it up to her. I thanked him for preparing me to see her writing, but told him my feelings were evolving and that it wouldn't bother me as much as it once did.
But I would still appreciate the effort to not have it happen.

The next day I was making an item to take to a party and realized that I had no idea where my "family recipe" was for part of the dish. After calling both girls, I realized I had given him a copy and texted, asking him if he had it handy. He said "yes" with a picture of it.

A few days after that, we had an issue with our old insurance policy being linked to both of our new ones (still tied together wierdly). I could only solve my portion, but texted him to let him know that he needed to talk to them about his, and also remove daughter's car from his, since it had sold the week before. He didn't call me back, but called both daughter's to a) verify that D25's car sold and b) ask if we all had gotten together to have Thanksgiving early without him and why he wasn't invited (the recipe I called for was a TDay tradition, but I have tweaked it to create my appetizer a few times)! I do believe its over a month away?

The next day, D25 called me sobbing and in full panic attack. She could only squeak out "Dad". He was then calling me at the same time, so I informed her of this and told her she should take five minutes and some deep breaths and I would call her back after she was composed and after hearing him out. He was expressing his exaspiration with her. I'm realizing that he has undiagnosed anxiety, but his comes out as rage or excessive attempts to control. So I listened to him yell about her. I went back and forth with both of them for a good 45 minutes, until they were both much calmer. They've always butt heads, but he's going to lose her. She's starting to make that turn to realizing he is a toxic person in her life...and it hurts her to realize that she will have to cut out her "Daddy". He, in turn, fails to see her as a person...especially one with mental health issues. He feels the need to "help" her, even against her wishes, and doesn't realize that raising his voice is seen as yelling and triggers her. He kept repeating that he was trying to help her, but he just "couldn't care" anymore.Didn't want to hear the details. He refuses to hear her, but forces his help...not even knowing what the problem is. Once again I realized...not my problem. I will support my daughter by listening, maybe pointing out negative thinking, but not making decisions for her. Same with him. Then I went back to studying for my test.

So, after that...a day later, it struck me. He really is barely handling his stresses. He HAS to control his office. That has to be handled and cared for and thought about. But worrying about his daughters, his mother, his dad, and his brothers...even me; he can't. So he puts effort into his office and into play-day get togethers at the river or with friends; people he doesn't HAVE to care deeply about or control. But he has a sense of responsibility, and so...guilt for what he purposefully neglects and even sometimes misses. He begged our Ds to visit him at the river. To ski with him. But they have never been to his apartment. What will he do when he can't ski, or keep up the river house? He has expressed this fear...of getting too old to do these things. He sees this "end" as very close. I don't think he worries as much about not doing them as the other impact. That maybe the reason he has people in his life IS only because of those things. Without them he will be undesirable. He eats it...swallows it and lets it eat away at him through guilt, shame, and GERD. No wonder he fears being "left out" with our fractured family. I did, too, until I realized...I see my girls and talk to them a lot more than he does. I know much more about their daily lives, thoughts, friends. I always have. It must be very lonely to be him when he's alone. Me...not so much.

For those of you who braved the length of this post...keep GALing. Figure out who you are and learn to love yourself. We really are born alone and die alone. By that, I mean that no one can understand our world completely. We are alone in our own thoughts and feelings and perceptions. But alone doesn't have to mean lonely. It can just mean free.

[kml]

It sounds trite and maybe a little boastful, but he threw away a good woman. Every guy I have dated has seen something special in me and wanted to see me again, even after I've explained my schedule is crazy busy...that has been quite surprising!

My experience too, dating after divorce. It was nice to realize my Ex's criticisms of me had more to do with HIS problems and very little to do with me.

[bttrfly]

Cil my darling you're doing great and I'm thrilled for you!

I am learning more and more of my own worth and attributes as I move on without him. I like me and who I am revealing myself to be. It sounds trite and maybe a little boastful, but he threw away a good woman

Well my dear I will let you in on a little secret. The last nine months of my marriage my exh spent every other week across the country. Our relationship was based on phone calls and texts. I still have some of the photos of me blowing kisses that I would send him every night to say good night. Two and a half years later I look at these photos and remember him saying, "You'd be a real knock out if you could just lose the weight" ... and now I think, "WTF? I AM a real knock out, you doofus! If you can't see how lucky you were, then you don't deserve to have me!" and Cil, I MEAN it. And Cil - I don't even think I'm being boastful or vain. It's the truth, but it took me losing my marriage and living away from him for 2.5 years to understand this. So - good on you for figuring out sooner than I did how magnificent you really are!

Now, don't lose sight of that ever again my friend!!

love you madly,
-B. xxoxoxoxoxoo

[ciluzen]

Thought I'd catch up and journal a bit today, as I have time.

I still worry a bit about holidays with my grown up family that has lives of their own. Everyone's so busy. I knew this would happen because it happens to everyone eventually as our kids grow into adults; it happened to us, too. But I always knew that I had a large open "forever" home that I looked forward to welcoming kids, their spouses, friends, and eventually grandkids for however long they wanted to stay. My husband and I worked so well as a team; cooking, cleaning, planning and creating a great holiday experience for everyone. So the last few years have been so different and uncertain that I just absorbed the pain of it all; putting on a happy face and muddling my way through it. I approached holidays with at various times a victim mentality, a false strength, a passive hopefulness, an "I'll show him" attitude, ...anger...all the while wondering what he was doing, jealous of who he was doing it with while I was hurting and making do with a terrible situation. That was my mindset off and on as it evolved since BD, anyway.

So basicly that s%cks. I'm better than that. You're right, bttrfly. I will never lose sight of that again. We may not be in control of what happens to us in life (control is an illusion, after all), however we are very much in control of our reactions to what happens to us. On that note, I decided to make my home home base for our holidays...with flexibility to allow my daughters (or ex-husband) to host or contribute if they want. Yes, I said XH. We are connected as a family, no matter what happened to our marriage. I understand he is going through some sh!t that I will never fully understand, but I still care about him and I'm tired of trying not to. That isn't working for me, so I'm putting my energy into just doing what makes me happy. Part of that involves not excluding him from my life, but giving him the choice to be a part of it on my terms while at the same time respecting his. So far, maybe due to guilt or whatever, he doesn't really seem to have terms other than don't push, don't confront, don't ask him to care, and don't tell him how to do anything with his life. All fine. Thus, he was invited to Thanksgiving. I invited and he said that that would be very nice. He also offered to bring things.

The twist is, we have begun a tradition in the past few years to accomodate schedules and in-laws and such, so TDay is now celebrated the Sunday after the official day. So, last night. Good thing, as I had a touch of the plague on the actual day. Plus, no one in my family likes turkey enough to have it twice in four days, so I hosted and made prime rib roast. Everyone contributed and made things that they were absolute rockstars in making. D27 asked that I make sauces for ice cream to have a sunday bar and the salt and herb crusted roast, we came up with the veggie dishes together, then she complained about the pies at her in-laws TDay, so she asked me to make a pumpkin-bourbon-pecan pie (gluten free) so she could have pie. Everyone asked XH to make his gramma's famous side dish and his amazing guacamole, and D27 put D25 in charge of her fantastic garlic mashed potatoes. We had a truly great dinner and watched a few shows of a few comedians that D27 and her hubby had discovered on Netflix. We usually play games, but we had tears from laughing so hard. So, I don't know if XH had too much to drink, but after everyone left he curled up on my couch instead of leaving. He seemed so comfortable...it was kind of surreal in that it was so normal, yet in my house that was no longer "ours". I told him I was going to replay the first show by the first comedian that D27 and her hubby were watching before everyone arrived, because I missed most of it while cooking. So we watched together as I cleaned a bit.

Afterward we talked, catching up on how his family is doing and practicing my therapy skills (why the heck not?). He really needs a good therapist. His feelings are stuffed soooo far down...he has none. His mom's prognosis, his dad's issues, his debt load...all mentioned but all...fine. Oh, and he's old. He just sees life as going down hill, but its all fine. There's a bit of a subtle anger and hopelessness with the sadness. I questioned his statement about not changing at "our age"...I'm loving the fact that one can continue to evolve as long as one continues to learn. He spoke of his world closing in because he was tiring easier and less able to do things. He went to the hospital twice this summer...I mentioned he might just be out of shape. But I listened to him. He stayed for almost three hours.

Yep. Can't fix him. Still love him. All I can do is keep searching for me, keep evolving, and do what makes me happy. I guess I can model being a happy midlifer while he surrounds himself with young people and bemoans his inability to keep up. I did get a very nice hug as he was leaving, which I prompted.

But I will say, both girls called to thank me for making the holiday great. They already are trying to think of what to do at my house for Christmas, lol. And they were happy to see each other. This divorce, plus D25's mental issues and D27's busy work schedule, has been hard on their relationship, too. I guess I'm realizing I was their rock and I kind of became a puddle there for awhile. I'm back to being solid again and they are relaxxing. Their dad is still a concern, but at least I'm not. And they seem very happy that I'm not pushing or excluding their dad. They still have their family at holidays and important events. I don't know if anything will ever change between XH and I, but really...its different every time. So it kind of is. Every time. Talk about evolving...

[OwnIt]

Sounds like a nice holiday. You guys get along well and he isn't throwing any non-Bubbles other women in your face. Seems like a wallowing depressiac more than a high energy replayer, why not spend time with him?

The only negative to this arrangement is managing your own expectations, but since you are actively putting yourself out there to be open to other possibilities, it seems like you have that base covered too.

Kudos to you. I would take that situation over mine any day of the week, and most of the others I've read about as well.

[kml]

she asked me to make a pumpkin-bourbon-pecan pie (gluten free) so she could have pie.

Sounds delish (except you do know bourbon technically isn't quite gluten-free?).

I have a funny Thanksgiving pie story. My ex and I trade off holidays with the kids, and this year they went with him and his young wife to a "Friendsgiving". One of the girls there made a pie which smelled suspiciously of vinegar - turned out she'd misread her recipe and used apple cider vinegar where she was supposed to use apple cider!

[ciluzen]

Lol...that might make a bit of a diference, with the apple cider vinegar, KML. A little bit of a tang to it!

On the gluten-free ish, the distillation process destroys the gluten protein in the pre-distilled mash mix. So...if you have celiac like my kiddo, enjoy your distilled spirits, but pass on your real beer and many ciders. Fun fact that makes that life a little easier if you like that stuff! She has a pretty quick obvious reaction, too...and long lasting. I did give her chocolate with malt in it one Christmas right after her diagnosis. Luckily she checked before popping it in her mouth. Whew!

[ciluzen]

I believe he started in on replay while my kids were in high school. That's when he started being mister "playa-playa" after losing weight, buying new "younger" clothes, spending what he didn't have, and trying to impress the kids by being cool (letting them drink from his flask on the ski lift and at parties, trying to be up on the latest trends, etc). Now, he's just as I described him. Depressed and...full of guilt. He doesn't seem to remember everything he's said to me, thank god...but I know from actions and some things he's said that he feels tremendous guilt.

I've come to accept that he's still baking...and may never be done. This was a long process before BD, I now realize. BD was a volatile reaction to both my D27's marriage and my "beating him up" for spending the majority of my daughter's wedding following Bubbles around as she got more and more irritated with her husband, who was drunk. But that BD was inevitable...if not then, it would have been soon after.

So really, at this point...he can have my comfy couch when he needs it. I can listn to him or I can just give him space. There's room for him in my life, but there may not always be. I'm open to change at all times...it doesn't scare me, anymore. What would be scary is losing myself in a relationship again. I won't do that. My goal is to be authentic to who I am at each point as I learn and change and not be so reactive as I once was. Just accepting of that which I can't change while changing what I need to that I can. And that has to do only with me...I wwon't try to directly change anyone else, unless its through my own example.

[kml]

Traces of gluten can remain after the distilling process, so some of the most sensitive celiacs may still react, although most gluten-sensitive people would be fine. There is apparently a brand of bourbon that is made from 100% corn mash, but even that is made in a facility with wheat so cross contamination is still a remote possibility.

[bttrfly]

Hi Cil,
Sounds like you had a great day and you've now inspired me to make prime rib on Christmas, if I have son that day. I've always felt your MLCr isn't straying as far from home as it may appear on the surface. What I most love is that you're holding space but not holding up your life in the process. Well done! xoxoxoxoxo