Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Thanks Coly! I believe you're right. He always had his brothers, friends, cousins, etc around. He never lived on his own...ever...before he left me. When we got married, we even waited a couple months for his best friend to clue in to the fact that as a married couple, we really would have liked him to move out. XH finally had to broach the subject, lol! I was basically an only child, as my siblings were 10, 11, and 13 years older than me. I'm actually very at ease when by myself. Just not for too long (I need some friend time!). Yeah. I know D26 worries about him, but I agree. Its ok for him to be lonely. Glad he has guy friends, though. He needs that; brother replacements. He need to remember how to be a friend to men again and find some commonalities with them. I feel I got way too caught up in the drama this weekend. Stupid setbacks.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Ciluzen,

I think you are being hard on yourself or maybe I'm heartless too as I laughed about your x h accident along with you. I think you handled d26 well and expressed how you felt. It seems like you guys have a strong relationship and talk all the time so should be able to get through this too. Maybe she updates you because she is one of those adult children who continue to fantasize about their parents getting back together.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
No 2x4s needed or warranted! It's healthy I think to get to the point where you don't feel their karma or life is your business. Or vice versa.

And FB? Well, that just sounds like a boundary to me. You're saying I don't want this person's life showing up in mine, whatever the route. If you're not a big FB user, you could always take a step further and decide to close your account. Email the people you want to stay in touch with. You can always start a new one down the line if it suits you. But there was life before FB!


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Thanks Gordie and Treasur for weighing in. I appreciate it!

Gordie- It has always been important for me to make sure I communicate well with others. I absolutely hate (strong word, but accurate) miscommunication or the idea of being misunderstood. Dishonesty falls into that category, as well. I've always spoken honestly with my kiddos and encouraged them to speak honestly with me. Sometimes what they have to say now as adults and what was said when they were teens was absolutely cringe-worthy, but in the interest of upholding my promise to always be there to listen, I had to reward the communication by considering what was said. Our saying at our house was basically, "Let us know the facts, no matter how much trouble you think you will be in; because if you try to cover it up, it will be ten times worse when we find out...and we will find out!". XH was great at saying that, but not so good at following through...from either end, I now know. But my girls know I will listen...so they share. And I am honest with them about my feelings.

I had told D26 I would give her some space, so she ended up calling me the day after we talked. She understood that she did not need to paint a picture of how everyone was enjoying Bubbles' family's new boat when the incident happened. She realizes after my reaction that she triggered my anger by doing so. All she needed to do was tell me that XH was injured to keep me in the loop. She apologized. But she also let me know that she called because she needed her mom to reassure her because she was shaken...her daddy was hurt and the amount of blood was scary to her. Once again, it was she that had to drive him to the hospital. This is quite the responsibility that has been placed on her due to her father's choices. So, I was out of line for not taking her feelings into account as her mother. I need to remember that point of view before I react, from now on. I owed her an apology and I gave it. I'm far from perfect, though as a parent I sometimes forget that. wink

Treasur- I try so hard to distance, but I'm connected in so many ways. I'm in a city surrounded by small country towns, but there is a small town feel to this area. You can't help but run into people randomly, or have a weird connection to others you encounter. FB makes things interesting, too. As I've said before, I have unfriended people from my former "social group" (all connections made through Bubbles) not because I didn't like them, but because they made no effort to remain friends with me even after I reached out. At this time, I really have no desire for large amounts of "friendly people" who don't know what to do to support a friend when things go awry. I knew some of them for over 20 years. They weren't there for me when my dad died, but I made the excuse that they saw him only rarely. But they knew XH and I as a couple, and me as someone who bent over backward to be a friend during their difficult times. That abandonment of me was inexcusable. I don't believe XH said anything bad about me, not his syle, but in the absence of explanation, anything goes. And Bubbles and friends are gossips who enjoy theorizing about everyone's relationships (I often had to walk away as I hate gossip- me and my ideas on communication issues!). My FB is now full of people I trust as friends, a few family members, and some favorite businesses and charities. Oh and local news to keep me informed (fires and weather issues, mostly). My older friends are all over the world now...it was a few of them that got me onto FB. So, I will still have that account as well as my FB business page.

And yes I'm getting better and better at throwing it all into God's hands, or Karma, or whatever force is out there spinning the seas, clouds, and galaxies.

Loosining my grip on my handful of water is how I see it. I see that no matter how tight my grip, in opening my hand I had controlled nothing...and nothing is what I am left with. Letting the water sit cradled in the cup of your hand, sloshing here and there...you get to hold it as long as you want.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Hi Cil,
Originally Posted By: Ciluzen
Loosining my grip on my handful of water is how I see it. I see that no matter how tight my grip, in opening my hand I had controlled nothing...and nothing is what I am left with. Letting the water sit cradled in the cup of your hand, sloshing here and there...you get to hold it as long as you want.


Beautiful analogy - I will try to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

Re: your post a few pages back re: the glamour - I think that you are so much more aligned with your true self - not who you tried to be as a wife/mother but your authentic self that people are seeing your beautiful soul.

Just my $.02

it's a joy to watch you truly come into your own Cil. I wish we could connect out side of here. I have a feeling we'd get along famously.
xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Thank you Bttrfly, for your kind words. I think I think we'd get along quite well, too. I do have a friend in Westport I need to visit someday...maybe we'll figure something out. smile

I have a quick little update (haha...we'll see). In trying to find new insurance coverage for myself, I discovered some issues with my credit/social security info. Apparently, if you move three times in a year, your address isn't up to date, LOL. Anyway, it prompted me to check my credit report and I found that although XH said he'd take care of it, I was still linked to our joint credit card...which had a crazy high balance on it. He was paying it down, but I think I solved the mystery of how he paid his high taxes. Of course, that appears as my crazy high balance at this time, as well. I was actually able to talk to a rep at the card company to verify I was still on it and had them send the form to take me off (we both have to fill it out). I busted out of NC for this, and left him a message to call me about a financial ish.

When he called he seemed almost happy to hear from me (could be his mask was on tightly). I asked if we could meet at the auto licensing place when I got the paperwork so that we could get my name off of his boat and his name off of my car, as well. He agreed and said he, too, would like to be done with that. I did ask after his leg wound. He told me the story in detail (gotta love a story). Apparently, Bubble's husband, another guy he's now friends with, and about 8 boys were all in the boat with the radio blasting while XH had entered the water to ski for the first time behind the new boat. He was looking around to see which way would have the calmest water when he felt a bump on his leg and then saw the back of the boat had swung toward him. Then saw blood and realized his leg was cut open. He pinched it together and attempted to get their attention. It took awhile with the radio and boisterous boys. Glad to hear that they were being so careful with a skier in the water! SMDH. So basically, he christened the boat with his blood...(insert creepy goth music)

He also alluded to my convo with D26, and how she really called because she needed her mom. I know now that she spoke of our convo to him. He was kind about it. I explained that I realized that now and was ashamed of my behavior towards her...that sometimes my feelings are what they are and that they get in the way and that I am aware that I need to remember to be mom first. I did explain the build up, though. He asked if school had started for me yet and we did talk a bit more to catch up on his family. Then I told him I'd let him get back to his evening and would let him know when the credit card forms arrived.

I got off of the phone to see 2 texts from D25, one from bio-guy who is back from his trip and wants to see me, and a missed call and voice mail from musician guy. Plus a bunch of dating site notifications. Ughhh. As much as I think that rope is slithering through...I still just want to listen to that man talk. And when he asks or shows any interest in my life...I feel rewarded almost. What a mess.

He sent me pictures of his leg before and after stitches (17) cut to the bone and one of him in the wheelchair from behind, pinching his leg shut while being checked in. He's slightly "soft", very gray, and getting more stoop shouldered. But still...why is it so hard to let go after all this time plus the D? Still working on it.

Believe it or not, I'm still ok. The house incident plus the accident led to some sort of catharsis...I have no feelings about Bubbles now. Explored that wound, poked and prodded it for a few days and suddenly, its healed over. There's a fresh scar, but the scab is gone entirely and can no longer be picked at. Trust me...I explored it for the last few days. Nada. This is a good feeling. I'll take any little signs of forward movement at this time, even if its not directly related to XH.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
well sweets how long were you two together? that's why. you don't spend more than half your life with someone and then, poof, all feeling disappears. it's ok.

you're doing such a great job of focusing on your life and clearing out the remaining connections. i honestly believe that's necessary and the sooner we leave the MLCr to what they proclaim the want with such passion and conviction, the sooner they will discover if it's all they thought it would be.

It's interesting to me - the people he's chosen to surround himself with. I see you coming into your own and thriving and him still at a loss. Not your circus or monkeys and I really wish D26 would let him fall on his face so he can understand what he's lost.

I'm glad for the Bubbles shift. You've worked hard on that. xoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
Yay Cil! Bubbles has nothing on you! She just happens to work with your exH and is the wife of his friend, that is all!!

She is a bit like my H's friend's wife I think. She behaves like she has the upper hand in my H's life now because I am not part of it. She actually walked away when I mentioned something about H the other day. Not in a bad way but I mentioned that I recently met a lady who was going through the same thing as me and she obviously couldn't handle that thought!

Are you going to be calling back musician man and bio man? Which one is more your type?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
^^^ Westport is beautiful! One of our guys at work lives there.

when I was a kid we used to go to Horseneck Beach all the time.

Now, one of my close herbal buds goes there every year in late May to harvest the rosa rugosa for an amazing rose oil.

Beautiful light for an artist to paint by smile

xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
ciluzen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Hey, Coly! Musician man invited me to hear him play last night. He had given me a CD to listen to (had to play it in my car- only place I have a CD player now!). He has a lovely voice, but I realized I really didn't want to effort driving 45 minutes to sit at a table by myself gazing at him as he played. That picture I just described is not the one in which I want to be THAT girl. He is a very sweet guy, but so passive...I need a challenge. I need someone who challenges my ideas. I'm already bored with this guy. He has settled in life and just wants a companion. So, no...not him. Now, how to nicely break it off? I haven't lied...I do enjoy talking to him. But I realize he thinks that means more than it does. With me, what I say just means...what I say. I don't play games. And so, on the flip side...I can't think of a soft way to say I like you but not in a romantic way.

Bio guy WILL challenge me. He also has goals and ideas and a life. I am supposed to go out with him in a few days. He also gives me space (other guy called me daily but apologized each time for bothering me), which I realize I need. I will see if any sparks happen this time.

I wouldn't say either is my type. I'm still defining that. Hard to manifest (slang version of the verb) a guy if you haven't pinned down a type, right?

I have figured out that there are certain things I do want. I want someone who hasn't taken our age as a death sentence, given up, or settled. Someone who still has not only a bucket list (so trendy right now), but real personal goals they are working toward. Someone who believes in giving to others OUTSIDE of work and family. A person who can agree to disagree, without giving up their point of view if they are passionate and informed. Yet also able to concede if they find they are wrong or not as informed as they thought. Fear of being wrong holds so many people back...its okay to make a mistake and learn from it!

And...someone who takes care of themselves. I'm not saying they have to live at the gym or count every calorie, abstaining from "naughty" foods. That's too much for me. But someoneone who showers regularly, brushes and cares for their teeth, and wears clean, properly fitting clothing would be nice. You wouldn't believe how uncommon that seems to be in men my age! As if they still need a mother to take care of them! I have two kids...grown...I don't need anymore (unless I foster). Yeesh!


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard