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ciluzen Offline OP
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Oh, and I do believe what goes around comes around.Karma's not a b!t@h...she's a patient and loving warrior goddess.

Hi Leahsue! That was such a nice thing to say! You have made my day just that much better. I just hope at this point what I write helps people to deal with what we're all going through. I learn from your posts; maybe you learn something from mine!;)


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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Well, in my head I have renamed "Bubbles" as "Mooch." But I think eventually her true colors will shine through.

The story about the river house is sad. Good on you for letting the former owners know about picking up their items. It is funny how things turn out. Your exh wanted to use these people and milk the situation for all its worth. And now that's exactly what's being done to him with that house.

Your life sounds great! School, the dates, remodeling--all good! I so admire the way you have dusted yourself off, squared your shoulders and moved forward.

Nice!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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ciluzen Offline OP
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So, new and unexpected update.

WARNING:
I will sound bitter, vengeful, hateful and well...just a plain awful human being. I know this. Get your 2x4s ready...no need to pad them or soften them in any way. I guess I have allowed anger to simmer for too long and kept the lid on it. It has officially bumped the lid a bit since going to the river house and my almost glee mixed with white hot coals of suppressed anger caused the lid to fly off officially this morning as my feelings bubbled over, burning my firstborn.

I was mad at D26 for basically defending Bubbles and her dad when I last talked to her. She knew I was upset about the visit to the house. She let me know she would pop up to the river just for a short time this weekend anyway...her right, of course. He is her father. Then she posted a picture on FB from the river on Friday night. Again, her right. But those pictures upset me every time. I don't know how to stop it. So, I did what I've done with every other person who would post from there ... I unfriended her. My own daughter. I told myself what I've told myself with everyone else...she has my number and knows where I live. BUT SHE'S MY DAUGHTER. I told myself, its just FB. Amazing how much that has become important in my life.

I had a second date with musician guy last night. It was nice, he is sweet, and...I see no future other than friendship. And he seems to like me. I was mulling this over today and dealing with those feelings when D26 called.

She had to drive XH to the hospital again. See my last post about Karma?

Bubbles and family bought a new boat. XH apparently helped pick it out. He jumped out of the boat at one point and cut his leg open on the propeller. Blood everywhere. If it had been turning fast, he would have lost his leg. He instead received 17 stitches. She was telling me this because she "knew he was sending pictures to all of his friends and family and she didn't want me to hear it from someone else and freak out." I'll let that statement sink in as it did for me, the person who obviously doesn't fit into either category for him.

Here's where I am an awful person. I felt NOTHING...at least not what you'd expect from someone who loved him unconditionally for so long. I did feel something, though. Lines from certain scenes in "The Color Purple" played in my head. Where Celie (sp) basically tells Mister that until he does right by her, everything he does is going to fail, that everything that makes him happy will bite him (my memory is not great here). "God is Tryin' to Tell You Somethin'" was playing in my head. I know, I'm dramatic. But I was giving no f***s.

I then told D26, "I'm sorry this happened to YOU. That you are basically his only family up here, now. But you don't need to update me on your dad ever again. After my trip to the river house, I just give up. I don't care anymore." I think she was shocked. Good. And, its not that I don't care; my reaction was way too dramatic for that. I just did not viscerally feel his pain as I usually do with those I care about. I felt no need to call and talk to him... or even hear any more about the details. I once was joined at the hip. I realize I'm free of that.

His greatest fears have been not being able to protect his loved ones and going to the hospital, not being able to work. I guess part of self improvement is being forced to face your fears. Sometimes we are forced to and sometimes we get a little (or big) nudge. I realize its all up to the plan of some higher power, and not necessarily what I think I want or would hope for. But really...the first time out in the new boat? I am an a$$...but I'm kind of laughing. I never thought I'd behave this way about anyone's misfortune, and treat my daughter this way...but really?!

So, let me have it. I already have been battling reflux this week...a new thing for me and my cast iron stomach. I'm m sure there will be repercussions for my behavior towards D26 and my words about XH, but my knees are bent and I'm ready.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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kml Offline
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No 2x4s here! I don't think there's anything wrong with unfriending your daughter so that you don't have to be exposed to hurtful reminders. Two of my three adult child chose not to friend me - whether they wanted privacy, or were afraid of what they might see on my page, or wanted to protect me from accidentally seeing their father's posts, I don't know, but I'm fine with it. The one who is my FB friend is the one who hasn't spoken to his father for almost two years, so I don't have to worry about accidentally seeing anything about my ex. If she asks you why you did it, just explain that it's nothing to do with her, you just prefer your privacy from ex.

As for not worrying more about him - it's not your job anymore, is it? You've been fired from that job. Karma does have a way of dealing with them, sooner or later. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

And as for the musician? I know a lot of musicians through my professional musician best friend that I sometimes play and tour with. The music business today is terrible. Somewhat famous middle aged musicians who should be living off the royalties from their past hits are broke - thanks to the completely inadequate internet royalties from Pandora and Spotify (way less than radio royalties, shockingly low). And the only musicians that I know that are actually making a decent income are touring constantly in order to do so. So unless you are in great financial shape yourself, and willing to semi- support a partner, I'd steer clear of musicians unless you can establish that they are financially stable.

Don't get me wrong - I love musicians and wouldn't be opposed personally to a relationship with one. But I have a secure financial plan in place and even so, wouldn't take on a musician with debt or financial irresponsibility.

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Ah Cil, no 2x4 from me either - just a huge hug (((((Cil))))) and I understand how difficult it is. Yes, your daughter may want to talk to you about the unfriending on FB and you can let her know that it was rough on you to see some of the information she was posting. I guess unfollowing could also have been an option for you?

FB is a great tool, but at a time like this, it's the worst place to be and if there is a link between the poster, you and your ex, there could well be stuff you don't want to see. I'm lucky enough that my ex was never active on social media and I have no e-links with him. Still I managed to cause myself a bit of hurt this weekend by googling his name and opening a window into his life - dumb - and didn't help me at all!!

Take care my lovely xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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ciluzen Offline OP
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Thank you Sotto and KML. I still feel the shadow of a 2x4 hanging over me. XH is luckily not a fan of social media, so no links there. Bubbles is not on either, but her friends are and some are friends of my daughters (we were all one big happy family, once upon a time). I have unfriended almost everyone from that community. For a while after our separation, Assistant A and B and hygienist G would show XH some of my FB posts (I'm a rare poster)...I know because he would mention it. Not so sure if that happens now. I have a feeling that they may be my next bridges burned. That seems strange to say, because they've been so supportive, but its a feeling I have. I probably just won't put a lot of energy into those friendships...too much of a link to XH, as they work for him. Funny how I never thought I would be spurred to behave the way I have been. Self preservation and transcending the BS, I guess.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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I'm so glad my ex and I split before either of us was active on FB. It's bad enough that FB is always reminding me of past events with my ex band members (the ones who unceremoniously replaced me with another drummer after 6 years of playing together). I couldn't take it if it was showing me snapshots from my relationship with my ex!

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CIL! DON'T UNFRIEND HER JUST YET:

There's this feature called "Take a break" -- go into the FB help center and type Take a Break in the search box and see if that's something you'd rather do.

more later


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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ciluzen Offline OP
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Oh, bttrfly...it was already a done deal. She did call this morning and I spoke to her about how I did not care to see reminders of not only things I'd lost, but that she put time with her father, inlaws...and Bubbles, ahead of me. She gave me every excuse in the book and then launched into how he was not hanging with Bubbles so much as being besties with her husband now (he used to say he didnt care for him) and another guy...he was hanging out with men again. He should, hanging with married women as a single guy is almost more inappropriate than what he was doing. Especially because hes a natural flirt. She also whined about how she feels sorry for him because he's so lonely. Gimme a break. He caused that by his choices but is surrounded by people using his home on holidays. There was a modicum of understanding of my points, though. She hasn't mentioned the unfriending yet. I don't know if she's even noticed. Im no longer uncomfortable with it after speaking to her. I didnt bring up that I am often lonely, too, but just deal with it. Sigh.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

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I think you did great Cil, telling your D how you feel and isn't it amazing how everyone seems to feel sorry for your exH! It goes to show what a strong and independent woman you are because everyone sees you as coping and he doesn't seem to be.

Maybe having all those people around him at the lake house isn't giving him the opportunity to get used to his own company so the times he does find himself on his own he doesn't know how to cope. I think you'd D needs to step back a bit and let her Dad experience the full consequences of his decisions and choices instead of wrapping him up in cotton wool!

(((Cil)))


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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