Squinting at the morning sun

[OwnIt]

I always love your updates, even when they leave you shaking your head.

[ciluzen]

Thanks, Ownit. Still shaking my head. My cute eye-candy former workmate texted to say he and his wife and 3 month old baby were going to eat at the cafe at the edge of my park. I walked my pup over to visit with them while having a capuccino. XH called, so I waited until I was walking home to call back. He had gone to the river, then brought my kayak back in his truck and was heading back up. It is in my storage unit now. Nice, but I wonder what prompted that 2 hour trip?

[ciluzen]

LOL, bttrfly! And...yes, I AM fabulous. Thank you all for your responses. I know so little about dating in general, much less online dating. Really. I never dated as teen, was never asked to a dance, and went on a very few dates as a young adult until I met XH at 22. I was always the lone girl hanging out in a group of guys...I'm sure that made me somewhat "untouchable" looking back...like having a bunch of protective brothers and always appearing to be taken. Interesting note and parallel to DBing: I had decided to give up on any guy actually ever being interested in me as anything other than a friend.

Why is it that when we give up, drop the rope, move on, whatever you want to call it; things start to move our way? Is it because we are forced to find a way to be comfortable with ourselves? More relaxed and less stressed about how others perceive us? We actually fall in love with ourselves...not as a narcissist, but as a person who has self-respect and authenticity?

I had been talking to an interesting guy online since the day I first spoke to the guy I had a beer with. My "ice-breaker". This guy, a biologist, seemed to be in no hurry to meet. We just enjoyed talking. He finally suggested we meet for coffee and...it was nice. He's very interesting and intelligent, has a good sense of humor, and we have a lot in common. No sparks flew, though. But I like him enough to see him again. Does that make sense?

I've also been talking to a few others who are interesting...one who is a lot of fun and has my same offbeat sense of humor. I'm enjoying this...and the attention and compliments that go with it.I'm not sure I want a relationship right now, but I sure needed the male attention.

[ciluzen]

Shoot, I hit submit. Well, I wanted to update on the XH thing.

So, I had yet another wedding to attend yesterday. This was my D26's best friend since sixth grade. My "other daughter". I'm close to her family and friends and a lot of my former soccer girls were to be there. I taught a pleinaire painting class right before at a local park (20 people showed up!) and had to change surfer-style by my car into wedding clothes. The wedding was over an hour away, north of my former home, but at the home of my D26's other besty...a log cabin by a creek surrounded by cedar and fir trees.

I met D25 and her boyfriend at a McDonalds on the way so they could follow, even though we'd been there a hundred times. Got there just as XH and another man were walking back to his car. The only space for me was right next to his car, lol. I actually got out shaking my head, saying "We always seem to end up parking right next to each other!". I was immediately surrounded by a bearhug from the other guy...my ex-bro in-law. I hadn't seen him since my D26's wedding two years ago. Surprise...a pleasant one, though. I had brought a couple of XH's things I found in my boxes as I unpacked, so I handed those off to him politely, then started walking with BIL and catching up, greeting people I knew along the way. My family sat together except for D26, who was a bridesmaid. Beautiful ceremony. We all managed to sit at the same table for the reception, BIL next to me so we could catch up, XH across the table. Its funny, people kept coming up to me to talk and hug...I felt so much love there in this very familiar setting, naturally beatiful but enhanced by the subtle wedding decor. I excused myself to seek out certain people and sit with them for a bit. We got up to get food and XH kept trying to stand by me...not always successful. He finally said, "Everyone knows you here...I don't really recognize many." I explained that I spent a lot of time with my kids and their friends, their parents and families, and still kept up with some of them. He said, "I was fixing teeth." I told him "Yes, and you are very good at it and very busy. This is what I did, though." He had an interesting, eye-opened look to him most of the time, and never left our table except to get food or drink. He brought me things each time.

At one point a young man came over to say hi, very excited to see us and said, "I heard you guys sold the house?!" XH got all awkward and quickly glanced at me as we said "yep!". Then the guy asked where we had moved to, and XH again got awkward and said, "We're in town now" which moved into small talk about living in town versus country. Funny, I have no problem telling people we're not together now. I thought he was over it. I guess it was a happy occassion not warranting openness about a downer topic, but to me perpetuating the idea that we just sold the house to move together into town seemed dishonest.And if he'd heard we sold the house, I'm sure his source (maid of honor) told him why. The kid did say he missed my cooking and our big barbecues...I agreed I fed him a lot, lol.

I gave BIL a huge hug as they were leaving,and a sincere invitation to stay at his place when in town visiting. He went through a terrible divorce (wife's affair) and two very bad breakups with long term girlfriends who also cheated on him. He went through major depression with all of them. He told me he was very concerned about me, but that I seemed to be thriving.I didn't disagree...I am. XH stepped in to give me a big hug, too. Well, ok...I'll take it. I looked darn good and received a lot of compliments, but once again, none from XH.

So that's it. No more weddings or moves or appointments with mother...no more ties to XH. I'm almost done getting things from our storage locker. Then I can see how much rope dropping will actually happen.

[bttrfly]

Well my dear, Brava!

This ^^^ This is what living your life and moving on look like.



Re: Biologist guy. So, no sparks ... but you will see him again. Yes, that makes sense. Alt least to me it does. Glad you will see him again.

Chatting it up eh? Lol. Good for you. I didn't really date all that much either, so I completely get where your coming from, especially being friends with guys. Yes, I too was that girl/young woman.

What I most love about your post is that you've always said how uncomfortable and quiet you were in exh's social circle. Funny to me to read that the tables are turned here and that it was really in his face about who you are and what you did while he was off fixing teeth.

You were and are loved by the people you saw yesterday because of who you are, not what you can provide (a vacation spot), and that was shown repeatedly. I'm glad he had an opportunity to meet the real Cil through the eyes of the other wedding guests. These MLCrs make up some narrative of who they think the LBS is to justify bailing. A situation like this one certainly gives opportunities for reality shine through. I love your answer, "yes, you're very good at it (fixing teeth) but this is what I did."

I love that he had an opportunity to see how many lives you've touched through coaching soccer and how well loved you are by so many people.

Bet your bottom $$$ your exh took notes.

You certainly gave him a lot to think about without even trying and I LOVE IT.

Perhaps that's petty of me BUT ...

I'm human.

Keep dropping the rope Cil. Keep living your life for yourself. xoxoxo So proud of you!!!! mwah :*

[ciluzen]

So, time for another update. Last night I was totally wrecked...for about an hour. Surreal experience and somewhat unexpected...so I'm proud of bouncing back within the hour. More on that later. And bttrfly...you are so right. I think I still have the rope in my hands, but they're open...not holding. And its just slowly slithering through.

My D25 with anxiety/depression and her boyfriend had moved in with me when I bought my house. It was originally so she could concentrate on returning to finish up college and get healthy (see her therapist). Within two weeks she had quit her stressful job at her boyfriend's urging (he believed he could support the two of them), which I believed would help immensly. It didn't. Her lack of control over their finances plus the fact that he started missing work and spending without thinking snowballed into her quitting school again, them being in debt to everyone (including me!) and her anxiety and depression morphed...not necessarily worse, but different. More depressed (lack of control), less anxious. So she got a job at a childcare working with babies. It seems to have helped a bit, but they are now in the process of moving in with friends. Still in debt, but she is working, in control of her own money, and has learned not to depend on someone who has proven to be undependable (we had many talks about depending on yourself as you are the only one who's behavior you are able to control).

We had a massive garage sale this weekend and got rid of a lot of her stuff as well as some of mine. She actually came away with enough money to pay off some debt. She arranged to borrow XH's truck to take garage sale leftovers to charity, but also to move her things from downstairs. I may get my basement back!

So, yesterday...

I holed up in my house to faux paint the console platform that was built for my sink during my bathroom remodel. The bathroom has a beach theme (not obvious, but in textures and colors). Lots of pebble tile in soft greens and blues (tones) and pale, stone-look porcelin tiles. The console looks like an entryway half-elipse table with a single shelf below. I'm just painting the legs and lower shelf to look like gnarled driftwood...the top is the pebble tile and sandy-white tile with an aqua glass vessel sink on top.It came out great! My friends that live or visit beaches have been collecting driftwood for me to frame the mirror. Anyway...holed up all day doing that and other household things...

I've been on coffee dates with two guys now and both communicated with me yesterday. They both would like to see me again. Funny how that made me happy but not giddy...self confidence is growing; nervousness still hasn't appeared. Neither has clingyness or desperation...I'm not feeling the need to push the relationships forward. Just enjoying them as casual, slowly building friendships. I have other priorities and these are just icing (though I know the biologist really wants to "move quicker")...I am starting to move patience up there with honesty as one of my top aspirational virtues. Thank you DB! I do have a worry that I will never be able to fully trust or love again, but I also tell myself that I'm only 10 months post-D and 2 years post BD. Who knows?

Anyway, D25 called to ask if I couldnt drive her up to the vacation home (XH was at work) an hour and a half away to pick up the truck. I told her I would, but I wouldn't go inside. We talked about relationships all the way up. When we got there, she let me know she needed to use the bathroom. I told her to go on; I'd sit in the car. She urged me to go in...? After a bit, I did.

It was no longer my house. Familiar, but not mine. I give XH props...he really was trying to protect me when he told me he didn't want me there when he was in the hospital. He knew. It was Bubbles' house. Everywhere. It looked like she had gone all out once the D was final erasing my presence by throwing up her style decor everywhere (signs with cute sayings, photo frames, and flowers everywhere). I remember XH once saying he wasn't a fan of her decorating with "signs". Did that change? It looked nice. We just "made do" as I was told not to fall in love with the place...it was just an investment. But now it looks like a happy home. Bubbles' happy home. I was wrecked.

Somehow, XH didn't leave the key to the truck and D25 hadn't checked to see if she had hers. We all know how to start it without the key, though. After calling him, D25 informed me that he was on the way up to water and would meet us with the key halfway. I arrived at the spot as he did, but D25 had gotten delayed. I explained this to XH. I'm sure my negative feelings showed even though I was explaining that she was delayed. I got no real eye-contact, but didn't effort it myself, either. Nothing. Just an exchange of info; he needed the truck back by the weekend...was taking off early Friday (implication: Labor Day house full of Bubbles' and friends and family...his new family. And probably D26 in that mix, though not sure). He left. D25 came over and immediately asked if I was mad at her. Her asking for reassurance confirmed that my emotional slip was showing. So I explained...but told her I'd be fine. We drove off, me following her.

On the way home, I received texts from both guys I've been talking to and two of my girl friends who I've become close to since XH left. I couldn't answer because I was driving, but the anticipation of talking to them and thinking about how much has changed turned my attitude. I've lost so much...but I've gained so so much more. And on my terms, with little to no compromise. I have friends who like me with nothing to gain from me but my friendship. I have daughters who enjoy talking to me and seek me out for advice or an ear...again, without a big river house or boat rides or ski trips. I get to decorate my house as I want...I'm not trying to make anyone else happy. I'm doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, and with whom I want to do it. My friends and I are busy; they don't call every day and hang on the phone. But we make sure we touch base each week and spend time with each other...without hanging on the phone talking to others in each other's presence. They understand quality time. I have gained so much more than I thought...

I also realize that something strange has happened to my "vibe", I guess? I can't explain it..it moves me and amazes me in a strange way. In wiccan (don't judge!) its known as "the glamour", but...hard to explain. Like making yourself appear to be beautiful and enchanting people. Except, in this case, other than trying to be positive, I'm not trying to "dupe" any one. I spoke with the woman in Home Depot who was selling me my dishwasher and my divorce came up...her story came out...I listened...she hugged me in the store and told me how amazing I was. A week earlier it was the paint lady when I was discussing paint colors and she started telling me about her day, then her life, then told me what an amazing soul I had. And this Tuesday, I went to a different hairdresser...a tattoo client of my D26 (she still tattoos and is working on drawing up my first one as we speak). As I was paying, she said "I just need to put it out there...you are an incredible, amazing human." Is this girl power? Is this a new thing? Or is this something people are getting from me that I'm not completely seeing, kind of like the person behind the movie screen sweeping up who can only see what is shining through backwards with muffled sound? Most of the time I'm just hearing their story, not sharing much of mine. I do love a good story. But even the men I'm talking to have said it. Is it becoming so rare for people to feel listened to that I've suddenly become rare and "amazing" because I take the time to do it? Or is it something else?

Whatever it is...my life is good. So, in the end, I'm glad I saw the house and am glad I was only wrecked for less than an hour. I think that's a record! So, it really does get better. And I'm so sorry I created an epic novel. Yet again.

[Sotto]

Hi Cil, yeuch about the house! That must have been rough and I can understand it must have been upsetting. Did I miss something, and does Bubbles co-own it?? Or has she just muscled in on the decorating? Anyway - yeuch.

But otherwise - yay for you! Great to hear about the dates and your outlook on them and life in general. Sounds like you are lit up with an aura of loveliness and I'm so pleased for you.

Have a lovely weekend xx

[Coly23]

Hey Cil, sorry about the holiday home. I am also confused about Bubbles and her interest in the house and your exH. I thought she was married but it sounds like she has a huge, almost scary influence on your exH's life! How does her husband feel about it or has he got no say in what she does?

Your exH sounds a little spineless if you ask me. How has he allowed her to take over and control his life in this way. Is he under some sort of spell? She's a witch, I knew it!!!

[leahsue]

Hi Cil,
As always, you never disappoint with your posts. Your word usage is amazing. I can almost hear the waves in your beach bathroom. You really should consider taking your posts and turning them into a short (or long) book.

If your aura is this good in a virtual world, I can only imagine how you must shine IRL.

[ciluzen]

Lol, Coly! Well, for you and Sotto...and anyone else confused (hey, me too!)...yes she has a tiny interest in the house. Here's the story.

XH's best friend and his (then) wife (The Smiths) were close friends with another couple (the Jones). The Jones found a lovely piece of land on the back side of a bay along a river and the Smith and Jones families built a very large house (3 levels and big enough to sleep multiple families) together, as Mr. Jones was a contractor. He was also a philanderer and con-man. It was found out that Mr.Jones was having an affair with Mr. Smith's wife. There was all sorts of illegal stuff happenning and basically two families blew up and financials were exploding as well. Mr. Smith was hurt, angry and bitter. He went up to the river house at one point a few months later to get his stuff out (both families used it together) and saw an auction notice on the door.

Enter my XH. Mr. Smith told him he should buy it. XH came to me and told me what had happened and that Mr. Smith thought we should buy it. Basically, it was to keep Mr. Jones from having a friend buy it for him to keep it from his soon to be XW, otherwise it would be community property. XH thought this would make Mr. Smith happy and benefit us as "an investment". I explained that we didn't have enough and auctions take cash...also we had two kids in college. He said, "yeah...sad. I really would love it". That's it.

He then came to me and a week later and said, "Bubbles family is in, my parents are in...how much do we have in savings?" Note: he had no retirement and I was trying to build it up from when he HAD to buy our very large SUV for cash...using all of our savings three years before. This was the first time I was not in on a "plan". Bubbles' and her husband had inherited a bit of money from her dad that amounted to 4.6% of the total cost of the house. We owned about 15%, but then XH parents "loaned" us the rest, which we paid interest only on (never paying down the principle). It was almost equal to our mortgage! Bubbles and husband never paid a dime of that. They paid 4.6% of the utilities, insurance, and property tax...about $300 a year total, while we paid the rest plus the monthly interest on his parents loan. I was told we would keep the house for a few years, then sell it. I was also told to think of it as an investment..."don't fall in love with it". He refused to allow me to go to the auction and took Bubbles instead, even telling me they went to lunch afterward. I ticked him off because I told him that I was concerned about Mrs. Jones and wanted to tell her myself.I couldn't imagine (at the time) what it would be like to not only have her best friend steal her husband, her finances explode, but to also lose the house that she loved and invested so much work in. Well, now I do. So I told her in person. She was devastated, of course. I told her she could still use it whenever she wanted (I cringe now, but I didn't know how to make it better) and let her cry and tell me her story. It was awful! I felt like scum for a callous, selfish decision that I really didn't make. I just wanted the news to not come from a stranger, but maybe it would have been better.

Even more awful than that, my XH was gleefully telling Bubbles and her H (and anyone else whowould listen) how much stuff was in the garage and house and how if they didn't get it out in 30 days, it was ours! Made me sick at the time, and I told him so. More ammunition for him to use later, I guess. They got it all out, though...thanks to my "big mouth". They were hoping that no one would find out in time. So I was given the task of finding furniture on craigslist. I started patching and painting and basically working on most of it myself (it was a party house before and had so many holes in the walls!) to "redeem myself" and show that I was all in.

Yes, I see Bubbles as very manipulative. Since the divorce, I've been told by my friends on XH's staff that she manages the office and does as she pleases...she was just a co-worker before. XH even called her "the lady that runs my office". It also appears that it is now "her house" ...I know she deferred to me in my presence before, but had all of her parties and events there. Now there's no pretending, I guess.

XH has always been a "nice guy"; overly concerned with making everyone happy. I think that's perfect for Bubbles to take advantage of. She gets what she wants. Given to her, a lot of the time. Yes, Sotto...spineless does apply to him. I really don't know still if he's as clueless as he seems, in denial, or if he is really somewhat narcissistic. I never saw it that way until more recently.

Where is her husband? Haven't the foggiest. He doesn't really like being out in the sun. He likes to watch tv and drink beer inside while everyone else (females with the exception of XH) sits out by the water. He would come out and pull the innertubes behind his boat or sit by the campfire at night. He was usually drunk (happily) by evening. I could analyze the crud out of him...lost his dad in high school, lost out on his baseball scholarship because he and all of his siblings had to help support mom and each other because there was no life insurance, hardworking for long hours, totally involved in his kids' sports...he's kind of a big kid. I have no idea what he knows, feels, sees...and who knows what goes on in other peoples' marriages? I had a fantasy for quite a while of asking him to meet for coffee and letting him know what I know...but what if he knows? What if he likes that about her? What if he doesn't care? Its been 2 years since XH's BD...and 4 since I found out that they spent much of a weekend together (nothing happened, according to him)It no longer matters, really.

I will continue to share and analyze as things happen, but I'm learning that I will never really find the answers I'm looking for. I'm also afraid that I might not even trust them if I get them. Yup...that cynical right now. Seeing that house really threw me for another loop. I realized that what I pictured no longer is true. Its not mine, I don't have a place there at all anymore. I also found that when I brought this up to D26, she said she did a lot of decorating there, too. So she's there more than she let on and actually kind of defended Bubbles, in a way, by telling me that. I'm feeling a bit betrayed, to be honest...Disney Dad strikes again. But I will not dwell too hard on it. Just reinforces that I don't need to please anyone but myself...and shouldn't try. I will be kind, but not stupid. You really can't nice people back and some will just take advantage.

Well, that was more of a recap than was probably warranted, given the simplicity of the questions. Off to finish painting my bathroom!