Squinting at the morning sun

[kml]

Coffee dates are good. They don't need to last more than an hour unless you're having a great time. The purpose of the first meeting is not really a "date", just a chance to meet and see if you are INTERESTED in a date. (Kind of like meeting someone at a party and chatting with them for a bit).

His past marriage history tells you pretty much all you need to know. Anyone who at this age still thinks that meeting and sleeping with someone on a first date and then marrying them a month later is a good way to pick a spouse, has some issues (probably a love addict). I could see being impulsive like that once, as a young person, but repeating it?)

And btw, I'm not knocking first date sex. Usually unwise, but I've done it and not always regretted it. But you have to understand that doesn't mean LOVE, just lust.

I wouldn't be too strict on your age restrictions. It's more important that the person be at a similar or compatible stage of life, and has similar values around what they want out of life. The 65 year old who is retired and wants you to hang out at the golf course with him all the time might not be a match. A 65 year old scientist who is enthusiastic about his work and is really fit and youthful might be a perfect match. Whereas a fifty year old guy who has a two year old with his ex-wife might not be compatible at all, unless you look forward to raising another small child.

[ciluzen]

Very good points, KML. I've always said age was just a number...I should walk that walk, too. On with the adventure!

[Sotto]

Hi Cil, glad the meet up went well. Yes alarm bells about the whole sex on a first date thing and married within a month - yikes!!

Still, that's the ice broken for you and you can relax and enjoy yourself and have some fun meeting new people. When I had my first date in almost 15 years last week, I felt confident and relaxed too - and went into the pub and ordered myself a drink. Little did I know he was waiting outside with an umbrella in the rain for me, anticipating I may not feel confident enough to go in to a pub alone!

Good for you anyway and enjoy xx

[Pax_luv]

You did it! Congrats for taking this first step in a new direction. I look forward to hearing about your next adventures.

[bttrfly]

Congrats Cil! What I'm most proud of is your confidence and lack of anxiety. You are absolutely fabulous!! Your ex's loss is ours and everyone else's gain.

I guess there are a lot of desperate people out there, this guy seems like one. No, I do not agree it was an abrupt departure. Did he think drinks would go on indefinitely or you would be wife #3 by the end of August? Where were the basic manners to walk you to your car? He's 65 for cripes' sake, certainly old enough to know better. And as for you being uncomfortable, he is clearly projecting his BS onto you, on the first date. If you weren't already inclined I'd say run, don't walk, in the other direction.

Be thankful to him for helping you break the ice and move on without a backward glance, as I know you will.

I would also find it borderline creepy that he'd memorized certain statements in your profile. Yuck. I find your plan a good one. I've been advised to do drinks and if it goes well, suggest appetizers, all the while keeping my sneakers handy in case I need to make a quick getaway. I've been briefed, lol, that this is all about quick meets to see if it's a connection worth having dinner with.

So. That's the extent of my knowledge and advice on the subject. None from personal experience of online dating.

[mleigh4]

Good for you! I am about 2 months into the online dating thing. From what I understand, you are supposed to ignore if not interested. That was hard for me, I feel so mean! I have gotten used to it now. I have messaged and texted with several, I went on one date so far, and have also decided to be more picky and go off instinct. It's hard to get a feel without the face to face contact, right? A few I definitely think are just looking for a hook up. I still am not sure this is for me, but decided to just go with it until the six month subscription expires. What have I got to lose?

Have fun with it. I envy your confidence!

M

[ciluzen]

Is this confidence? I don't know...I'm just learning to not care as much about what others think, as long as I don't do anything to harm them. I'm not in charge of their actions, reactions or perceptions. Just my own well thought out intentions...which means I need to think about what possible consequences my actions will bring and take responsibility for my choice. Yep...I'm an existentialist.

I have continued to talk to two guys on my dating site. One is just lonely. I think I may wean him away, though. There isn't much to attract me except that I feel for his awkwardness and lonliness. The other is a biologist. I like his sense of humor, intelligence and we seem to have a lot in common interest and activity-wise. Talking online once a day is a much slower way of getting to know someone than meeting face-to-face imediately, but I'm kind of enjoying it. I'm sure he speaks to others, as I do, so that's fine. "No expectations" is good for new relationships, too.

My mother is visiting right now. I believe I mentioned (I'd have to check) that she arranged with XH to have him do some dental work for her? So he has used that this past week to stay in contact with me, even though all he needed was to verify when I should bring her and even that I told him was for the two of them to figure out.

I brought her to the office and sat in the reception area. No staff helped, but he got D26 and her hubby to spend the weekend at the river and he brought D26 to assist instead of having me do it. She brought her post-surgical dog (my "grandpuppy") who stayed in the front room with me. At some point I was told by him that I could sit in the room with them, so I sat and read an interesting article in one of the magazines he had. He kept looking up to ask me questions about my life (art show, school, vacation). As I've said, this is a new thing. I answered briefly, but would go back to reading. At one point he asked me to help with a procedure. The funny thing was, D26 could have done what she was doing AND the other at the same time. My mom joked afterward that we had three out of four family members working on her; three generations if we counted her great-grand-puppy curled at the end of the dental chair.

My mom and I were leaving as another patient came in (weekend emergency) and asked if I was his wife, the artist, and I heard him stammer and grunt, then say "and this is my daughter". I just started laughing and walked my mom out saying, "Bye!" and hugged D26 goodbye. One of my friends told me he has no problem now referring to me as his ex-wife, so that discomfort was probably due to my presence.

Mom and I went to a nice restaurant for brunch when he called to see how she was doing, then wouldn't get off of the phone (we were on the patio). He wanted to know where we were, what we were ordering, expressed surprise that they had brunch, was it good...I finally told him the first bite was great, but I would really like to eat the rest with two hands and enjoy a conversation with my mother. He now has finally created a way to end phone convos, though. It went from being, "I love you" to awkward goodbyes, to now..."We'll talk again" or "I'll call soon". Right now it causes me to just reply, "ok...bye". I wonder what would happen if I said "Why?"

[kml]

I wonder what would happen if I said "Why?"

Hahahaha

[bttrfly]

two thumbs up! typing w one hand as I eat dinner so talk later xoxoxo

[ciluzen]

Ok. Update time. Just shaking my head and smiling at how things have evolved. The life we live dealing with MLCers (if we deal with them at all)!

I've had a nice time visiting with my mother with time spent with both girls at my house and at D26's. XH called as we were enjoying a family barbecue at my house on Thursday and seemed surprised and...I don't know what else. I guess D26 didn't tell him she was in town or coming over. He was calling to set up my mom's next appointment before she left, which was last night (the appointment). So...that.

We arrived after hours last night (so no Bubbles). Got to catch up with friends that worked there for a bit before mom went back for her appointment and all but Assistant B left. I sat in the reception area and read. When they were done, XH came out and wordlessly handed me my alimony check, which I thanked him for as he walked away. He and my mom talked about payment for a bit, then he asked where we were all going to dinner. Apparently my mother had asked him during the last appointment, but he hadn't responded; but during this appointment they had decided that we (she, I, he, and Assistant B) were all going.
He sat across from my mom and I spoke mostly to A.B, but he seemed to want to split food as we used to (I ordered what I wanted) and pushed his beer over for me to try. According to my mom, he kept looking at me the whole time and watching me, but...she's my mom. I know that we all see what we want to see, interpreting things through whatever lens our experience, mood, or desires have created. She wants her son-in-law back and me to be with him. She sees what she wants to see.

It was pleasant enough. At one point he was texting for quite awhile and then on the phone during dinner (a pet peeve of mine). It was Bubbles. She knew we were at dinner, too. He DID keep looking at me at that point, but I mostly kept talking to A.B and my mom. He then announced that (one of the frequent river house visitor families' daughter) was coming up that weekend with a friend...to me. Once again...clueless or an attempt to be cruel? I'm not a part of that life anymore. I recently unfriended her parents; the very last of that social group. They seemed to follow my activities and comment once in awhile...even sent me a graduation announcement for their son who had helped me move into my apartment. Yet, the few times I have reached out to them in the past year, I was mostly ignored and their constant posts about fun times at the river were too painful to view. So, except for pictures from Assistants A and B and my own daughters, I don't have any connection or visual reminders any more of that house and all of the fun things I associated with it. It is still painful to lose something you invested so much time, energy and effort into and then see pictures of people who are allowed to have fun there who have invested nothing. We all know that feeling to varying extents.

Almost have wrapped up necessary interactions with H. I have a wedding he is attending, I have a kayak to get from him (got tired of seeing people use it while it was still at the river), and I will be unloading the storage facility. Then done. I have a handyman to finish up work on my house, house is getting painted and roofed as per inspector's requests, and bathroom is almost done. Mom leaves today and I can dive into yardwork and my own home improvement projects. Then, back to school.

Oh, and right now, I'm still enjoying talking to biologist guy. No movement on meeting, yet. That's going to have to come from him (my own standard)...but I believe we are both having fun talking online. Still keeeping my eyes open for others, though. Getting lots of attention, just not interested in most.

I'm getting less inclined to worry about how my actions are viewed by XH. I'm still puzzled by the whole situation and his behavior, but I dwell on it less and less. Analyze; yes. Dwell; no. Hopefully, in another year he will not take up even as much thought as it does now. Getting better and moving on. Waiting and seeing, though, still.