Wow. My D26 is celebrating her second anniversary this weekend. She and her H were too busy to do anything midweek (actual date), but today they are mountain biking north of here then spending the night at the river house (and the next day). Two years!
That also means that in about two weeks I get to "celebrate" H's BD. I realize I'm going to have to work on separating the two events...or replacing the second with a really good adventure.
Right now I'm entering finals week with a perfect score in both classes...how'd that happen? one project to go in one class (already done...just needs to be presented) and another project and final exam in the other (pretty secure with both). Then I need to practice breathing and GALing for a month.
So...the wedding. Long story short (well, ciluzen short). Gorgeous day, beautiful drive through the country almost to the Canadian border (like...a mile away). Got to the campground and settled in talking to assistant B and another lady from XH's office that I consider a friend (We'll call her "G"). After the ceremony, I got busy helping with food and reception set up to avoid focussing on XH, who had driven Bubbles (she had a pink cast from ankle surgery last month) and her sister. He set her up by the river in the shade. Darn. I realized if I played in the river with the kids (part of my plan) I would be right by her...and I didn't want to see her at all. Luckily G and another friend set our chairs up out of sight-line of them and started talking.
As I was filling out an idea for the wedded couple's "bucket list adventure", XH wandered over and started joking with G and I, but looking at me. He asked if I had written (insert sexual "adventure" here). He kept repeating it and asking, "don't you think that would be fun?". G laughed at the exchange, but looked at me in disbelief...I really believe he is clueless, sometimes. He also told me he brought me one of the beers I had suggested to him, because it was very good and he thought I would enjoy it.
He ended up visiting us a few more times, including bringing me the beer. Bubbles and her sis walked (limped) up to his car and waved (I ignored) as they were leaving. XH came over to say goodbye and chatted for a bit. Funny, by this time his entire office staff was sitting with me (including the bride).
I looked good in my boho sundress, btw. Casual, but comfy and short enough to play games. Lots of compliments from everyone else.
I will admit, seeing him arrive with Bubbles threw me...I hadn't seen them together for a long while. I was in a bit of a mood driving home with those emotions an memories.
He called an hour after I got home. Apparently, as he was driving home he received news from his dad that a woman friend of his father had died...suicide. She was basically "Bubbles" to his dad. Yes, his dad had the same "close friend" relationship with a woman in his office. . They remained close to her and often visited and helped her after her husband passed away. But the closeness was between his dad and the woman. XH and his brothers were close to her, too. She was like family. He needed to talk so I listened.
Here's where I am ashamed of myself. I tossed and turned all night. I overthought and got worked up and thought mostly of my feelings. I called the next morning to check on him, but ended up letting him know that it hurt to see Bubbles again and to know that he drove her there. I also threw in that every alimony check he sends is in an envelope stamped with the office stamp, but hand addressed to me by Bubbles. He said he just put it in the pile of bills to be paid and had no idea who wrote on it. Fair enough...but, I let him know it has bothered me. His reaction to both let me know that he's not mean...just totally clueless! It was like listening to a seven year old who knows kinda why he just got in trouble for something, but doesn't really understand the concept of the "why". I ended up asking him, "what IS your relationship with Bubbles?" He said he hadn't really thought about it, avoided a few times, got mad, and finally said, "She's the lady that runs my office!!". I told him he should really think about that a bit more...he bought and owns a house with her, spent every vacation with her, spends time alone with her, chose her over his own wife and destroyed his marriage and his family in part because of her, STILL has her in his life and she is "just the lady that runs his office"? Is that what he tells himself because he knows she's married to another man and that's how it can all be ok? He SPEWED...I SPEWED ...told him I think of him and love him still (ughh...nononono!) then we calmed down and we talked for quite a while.
In talking, I learned that he tries not to hurt me...but doesn't quite understand how to accomplish that and do what he wants. He also seems to have extremely low self worth, but wants to belong so badly. It explains the river house situation so much...he's just frantic about having it ready for people...people who really only come when Bubbles is there. Its sad, really. He's only worth what he can give, whether its help or a party place or a job...but not just him, in his eyes.
It makes me re-evaluate myself every time. I constantly look at myself after these interactions...where is my self worth? What is it based on? Who is the authentic Ciluzen and am I just trying to please others? I hope my goals are based on what I want...I think they are. He mentioned that he is working on himself...I see it. He still worries a lot about what others think of him. He's so afraid of being abandoned if he is just him, though.
I apologized for dumping on him while he's going through all that he is (its a lot). He texted an hour later to apologize for dumping on me. He also said he doesn't want to make me feel bad anymore; that he is no saint. That I effectively gave him information to help avoid making me feel bad in the future, and I should not feel bad about that.
He called midweek to talk...I'm not sure about what. Kids? School? My mom? All were mentioned, but...just talk. He was on his way up to water the lawn...which used to be my job midweek as I had summers off. I wonder if that prompted the call. It must be hard to work a whole day and then have to drive an hour and a half to hand water and then drive back in to town again the next day for work. Especially since he was so overjoyed at first to find an apartment 2 minutes from work. I do know he has been visiting our storage facility...he told me he moved a piece of furniture to the river. He noticed I'd been moving things out. So that was my rather lengthy check-in. I really don't think about him all day everyday anymore. I'm getting better at this living-without-him thing. But there is contact. It does set me off when I see him or talk to him, but its like chipping at the underside of a rock. You chip a bit off, then the weak parts surrounding that part seem to crumble on their own, on their own time. I actually don't know if that metaphor applies to the intense feelings between a long-married couple slowly going away or if that rock is actually a supposed to represent a new relationship being transformed into a beautiful but unknown work that is following its own pre-determined form. If I go with the idea that I teach my students, there are no mistakes in art. Use what happens to change direction and surprise yourself with a result that is only partially yours. You are never finished til you sign your name, and then that's when you know you are done.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I love that you had an authentic conversation in which you asked a question that is at the heart of all of the pain you have experienced and that even after the spew and rage (which demonstrates that this is where the feelings are for both of you), that the two of you worked through it and have been communicating.
I'll wager you don't get another Bubbles written envelope and that you don't have to witness them arrive together anymore.
I love the image of you in your cute sundress stealing the attention of all of his people because they know that you are the prize.
Thank you for an uplifting post on life after BD. Even though some of us don't have the same chance for reconciliation that you do, it is an inspiration to see what letting go but standing up for yourself looks like.
Hi Cil, First - nice to "hear" from you - great job on the grades. You're a rock star gf!!!! So proud of you!!
What absolutely jumped out at me is that his dad had the same relationship outside of his marriage with this woman. I will refer to her as Bubbles 1.0. Is it just me or does no one else think it's relevant that your exh has a Bubbles Next Gen version in his MLC?
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hey Ownit and bttrfly! Just saw your replies...thank you for being here. I promise to get out of my "me" zone after this week o'finals.
Not getting any hopes up with XH...it wrecks me. I am interested somewhat in his journey because I still love him and because he really is trying so hard to figure things out. As am I. As are my daughters. As are we all. I don't know where its going and thinking too hard brings me down pretty low. There is a lot separating us for now and in the future...even if he suddenly decides to follow the Disney movie idea of love and realizes he just can't live without me. Right now...he's all right, I guess. Lonely for a companion who can bring him his vision of happiness, saddened and stressed about life, but still...I think... ok.
It is interesting learning so much about psychological theories and therapeutic techniques...much more in depth than my undergrad classes. Then again, we start seeing clients (with a ton of supervision) in the winter. Trial by fire!
Its hard to get through a paragraph without relating it to someone or something in life. The fun of going to school at 50...its all so relevant at this time, where as a twenty something I couldn't have related to much of it except in theory.
We create our unique perceptions of the world starting with our earliest experiences...no wonder our childhoods have so much to do with how we view our world. I had a decent childhood with almost no strife; XH had a childhood of pretending to the world (and being told to) that all was well, while behind closed doors it was full of fighting and control games. Why wouldn't he run from problems or try to pretend them away? Its what he was taught. His father is only now starting to admit that his wife has Alzheimer's...she has no ability to do even the most simple tasks now, according to XH.And still his father is trying to control the situation. He's booked a cruise for six months from now...but he is bringing their caregiver.
So many parallels; so many connections. Yes, bttrfly. XH had the 2.0 Bubbles; his dad had 1.0. Of course that would seem "normal". So did screaming at people when you were really angry and panicking before every trip because you are stil afraid of the "consequences" of doing something the wrong way or not thoroughly enough. Voicing an alternative opinion, disagreeing, or god forbid, wanting to do something else...personal affronts. I remember before bomb drop as XH was in a panic that a) I put my foot down that D26 would would be married in our back yard against his wishes (she had gotten a tattoo and he was angry), b)that she and fiancee had planned a beautiful and creative wedding and he had no control or input over any of it (his wishes, but he WANTED TO DO IT), and c) in dealing with his dad, who was in the most controlling, panicky, out of control state while up for the wedding, HE RECOGNIZED THAT VERY THING IN HIMSELF...and was horrified. Truly horrified.
I believe he really felt he was doing me a favor by leaving. As he said, "you don't really like me; you just haven't wrapped your head around it".
I'll add to the fact that he is changing, though. His words, "that was not my decision to make" about coming to the river...a very dramatic turn for an uber controlling person. Meh. Its been two years. What will two more bring? I hear he is actually considering therapy. That, too, is a major change. I wish him luck. And I'll still be here and be a fried when he needs one.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
So, classes are over for a month. Phew! I already know I did well in one; I feel I did well in the other.
So...I surprised myself the other day. One of my friends and I have been joking about signing up for dating sites, starting a speed dating group, etc. She called few days ago and told me she had gotten a 6 month membership, followed with a "your turn!" comment. After a lot of thought, (I've played with the idea quite a bit), XH's words when I confronted him about his relationship with Bubbles popped into my head; "We aren't married anymore."
Its true. We aren't.
As much as I see him working on himself and as much as I still love so much about him; he is not, as he told me, the guy for me...as he is RIGHT NOW.
So I signed up. As I told my friend, its like putting things on Pinterest or your Amazon wish-list...except that cute pair of shoes or fantastic idea for a garden planter that you "liked" has the ability to "like" you back. Or show interest.
Most of the guys that have responded are out of my noted age range or are not "matches"...what's up with that? Anyway, I have two that I may contact. Not sure why someone 15 years younger would contact me...I have a daughter whose almost 27. I'm trying to keep an open mind. This is a whole new world.
Oh, and my mother is coming up. My X is a dentist, in case no one guessed. My mother, always manipulative, has arranged to have him do some work for her while she visits next week. My plan was to just bring her, but I found out through Assistant B that he plans on having me assist, as he took this week off and both assistants will be out of town. He hasn't asked me, so we'll see.
I have another wedding to attend that I believe XH is going to (Bubbles is not invited). After that, no reason to see him. Really. And I may try to buy a pickup truck to run errands with...a cheap older one just for yard work. That would keep me from using his. We'll see.
Getting closer to dropping the darn rope. Someday? I still ache inside when I think of him. Its going to take a special person to win the comparison game on certain qualities. Heavy, heavy sigh.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
In my opinion, It is good to move on if the MLCer is still not showing clear signs of return sometimes, when they see us moving on, they may have a change of heart , but I don't hear that is the reason for you moving on we just have to live our lives-Many LBS do meet , remarry and move on to better R I did
I have a few friends on different online dating sites I listen as they tell about their coffee dates
It seems to be an art, to know how to respond and to meet to decide if another date is wanted-seems to take a bit of practice to get the groove of it For the most part, they both seem to do well filtering out and knowing how to handle themselves
all the best
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Not sure why someone 15 years younger would contact me
It's a thing now.
I think mostly it's young guys looking for a fun roll in the hay with an experienced older woman who's not going to expect anything more from the relationship. I admit I did date a couple like that - and although we both knew it couldn't go anywhere, we did have fun and I'm actually good friends with both of them today. They both did appreciate the emotional maturity of an older woman, versus the sometimes irrational emotionality of women in their twenties. Plus I'm a much more interesting conversationalist! Still, it worked for me because I really wasn't ready for a real boyfriend at the time and I'm the type that can handle a casual relationship without expecting more. If you have trouble letting go, it might not be good for you.
