Going through divorce #2

[lcause]

Ok... Again I got sucked to R talk. I validated her feelings and didn't ask for anything about future etc. Just tried to validate as best as I could...

...

She has seen someone a few times. She thinks it feels odd, to think about having a new R as there's so much to deal with this divorce. I validated. She said she doesn't know if they are going to meet again or not.

She said that she feels extremely guilty how she broke the family and how she did this to only find her own happiness. I validated.

She said that we never know what happens though, but she feels extremely pessimistic about us getting back together as the feelings just faded. I validated.

I knew there was someone else. And to be honest, as I said, it feels better to know. Now I'm going to drop the rope and continue my life eventually dating other women. I'll pop here to read other sitches but this is done, outside of me GALing and DBing for myself

[lcause]

I'm just so perplexed how she could find someone that apparently would be a good stepfather for my kids in barely just few months... "Coincidence", she says.

It feels so bad currently... but still better than constantly thinking about it. At least now I can handle this immediately and stop hoping entirely...

She went on and rambled some usual bs about how "we never know what future brings, I believe that it is possible that we find each other again but it is not now and the feelings are gone. It just requires us to find each other again"...

Why say you want the best for the other but then say something as hurting as this?

[dale165]

She give any more details about other man? Like when they started etc?

[Treasur]

icause - do you have a history of depression? The reason I ask is that reading your posts I see three things...a sort of muted level of emotion, a focus on the negative e.g. saying you're technically divorced when actually it isn't yet final and a kind of confirmation bias where the 'negatives' seem to shout louder than the positives? When your W (and if you're not legally free to remarry yet, she is still your wife!) talked at BD, did she say anything about feeling she hadn't been getting attention or emotion from you, that you had been self-absorbed or difficult to reach?

If any of this chimes with you...then I suggest you do two things pronto. Find yourself an IC to help you unfold your way out of depression and learn to feel big emotions. Depression tends to mean a life in pastels rather than bold colours! And, without being an idiot and accepting that there might be an A, decide and commit wholeheartedly to what you REALLY want? Boots full in either way, even if you fail. If you want to save your M, set that as your goal. If you don't, focus on DBing anyway to heal and be a good parent with your W whatever happens. If you're not sure, figure out what you need to know or feel to be sure.

I don't want to be unkind, and I know you're hurting, but there is a sort of passive giving up feeling in your posts...and I'm not sure that's the whole truth of how you feel or how your W might feel either. In a way her comment about 'find each other again' is a pretty big clue...what bits of the You she fell in love with have got lost and how can you reclaim those bits of you? And what bits of her do you think she might feel got lost and might be trying to find?

[lcause]

Nothing really. Only that she wouldn't have done it for me to stay married and be with someone else, so in the past 2 months... which is bs in my opinion. Also that she is surprised how quickly she found him.

Only that he is not a course mate in university, not any old friend and it was a coincidence... Which is either bs or she went on dating sites looking for someone because she was always everywhere with a less than a 6 months old baby.

[lcause]

icause - do you have a history of depression? The reason I ask is that reading your posts I see three things...a sort of muted level of emotion, a focus on the negative e.g. saying you're technically divorced when actually it isn't yet final and a kind of confirmation bias where the 'negatives' seem to shout louder than the positives? When your W (and if you're not legally free to remarry yet, she is still your wife!) talked at BD, did she say anything about feeling she hadn't been getting attention or emotion from you, that you had been self-absorbed or difficult to reach? If any of this chimes with you...then I suggest you do two things pronto. Find yourself an IC to help you unfold your way out of depression and learn to feel big emotions. Depression tends to mean a life in pastels rather than bold colours!

Yes, I've seen a doctor about depression, but I don't have medication. I was depressed but I am healing.

Yes she said it felt bad that I was always feeling negative. I feel positive about everything else in my life currently but not about this sitch.

And, without being an idiot and accepting that there might be an A, decide and commit wholeheartedly to what you REALLY want? Boots full in either way, even if you fail. If you want to save your M, set that as your goal. If you don't, focus on DBing anyway to heal and be a good parent with your W whatever happens. If you're not sure, figure out what you need to know or feel to be sure.

There is an A, or rather a beginning of a new R as I said few posts earlier I wanted to save my marriage but now that I know she's seeing someone just after a few months after our BD, it doesn't seem likely and I don't have any hope left. Of course I will DB because that's the only thing that is a) common sense and b) gets me over this.

I don't want to be unkind, and I know you're hurting, but there is a sort of passive giving up feeling in your posts...and I'm not sure that's the whole truth of how you feel or how your W might feel either. In a way her comment about 'find each other again' is a pretty big clue...what bits of the You she fell in love with have got lost and how can you reclaim those bits of you? And what bits of her do you think she might feel got lost and might be trying to find?

I doubt it's a clue. It feels more like guilt alleviation or making me feel better for now... until later she doesn't have to think about that anymore because I'm over us. I doubt she really feels that way because trust 0%.

[SwHubby]

Hi lcause,

I have been reading your posts from the beginning and it seems that you have been actively searching for reasons to give up this entire time. I guess that your depression and self confidence is speaking, but why give up so soon? You and your W just filed for D. And as you say, DB , being a happier and confident goal-oriented person as well as being a good parent is the way to go either way.

However, as I have read before on this site, letting go might be a really good thing for you. But not losing all hope. It is complicated to balance though, since it feels like these mindsets are opposites.

There is a good chance that she's looking for a rebound. Or she developed feelings for the new guy before you split up, it is just speculation. And if it gets serious, the new guy has to compete with you in everything since you will be involved in their life because of the kids. She does not have to think about every new man as a step father, it could just be interest from her sida and keeping the kids out of the equation for now.

I do understand your thoughts about other men and your W moving on so quickly. I think that my W hasn't met anyone yet (maybe has feelings or flirted a little bit) but i cannot know. It's eating me up from inside on certain days but I try to think that it doesn't matter. Even if we are waiting for the D to be finalized (6 months) as well, we are also separated and my W can date if she would like to. That doesn't mean I would like it though... But I think that my W is in the same spot as your, that the relationship has been over for quite some time and that they have been processing this during this time.

We have been separated now for 2,5 months, but I can't see myself dating anyone else yet. I think that you might be rushing into dating if you think about it already. But everyone is different. Take some time to take care of yourself and new or old loves will take care of its own. I had the most luck regarding love in my life when I was happy and really did not care about meeting someone. It just happened.

I totally get your sitch from a cultural perspective, I strongly suspect that we live in the same country in the northern part of Europe.

Good luck with everything!

[Treasur]

"I doubt it's a clue."....What if you're wrong? What harm would it do to think about it?

[lcause]

Hi lcause,

I have been reading your posts from the beginning and it seems that you have been actively searching for reasons to give up this entire time. I guess that your depression and self confidence is speaking, but why give up so soon? You and your W just filed for D. And as you say, DB , being a happier and confident goal-oriented person as well as being a good parent is the way to go either way.

Because I truly do know my wife and if she met someone, it's not just a one-off date, it's far more likely it's life-time R unless the guy turns up being a jerk later on... Also, it just hurts so much that I feel like closing the door is better for myself regardless.

It just feels so... absurd. Finding a new one this fast? I certainly deserve something better. She's not what I want anymore.

However, as I have read before on this site, letting go might be a really good thing for you. But not losing all hope. It is complicated to balance though, since it feels like these mindsets are opposites.

Yeah, it's highly counter intuitive. Let go but keep up hope? For me, letting go to means the same as moving on. Moving forward is not something I can understand either... I either am feeling something towards her - or not. And when I don't feel anything anymore, I'm certainly not going back. I don't think I'll get my feelings back after I've lost them once - just like I doubt she will. Especially now that she's dating and eventually I am too.

There is a good chance that she's looking for a rebound. Or she developed feelings for the new guy before you split up, it is just speculation. And if it gets serious, the new guy has to compete with you in everything since you will be involved in their life because of the kids. She does not have to think about every new man as a step father, it could just be interest from her sida and keeping the kids out of the equation for now.

Maybe or maybe not... I just... It feels so much like she never even appreciated our R at all if she's already dating and found someone. What are the odds? I go thinking that she was already looking way before the BD dropped.

I do understand your thoughts about other men and your W moving on so quickly. I think that my W hasn't met anyone yet (maybe has feelings or flirted a little bit) but i cannot know. It's eating me up from inside on certain days but I try to think that it doesn't matter. Even if we are waiting for the D to be finalized (6 months) as well, we are also separated and my W can date if she would like to. That doesn't mean I would like it though... But I think that my W is in the same spot as your, that the relationship has been over for quite some time and that they have been processing this during this time.

Yeah it's probably like you said. They have processed it through and are ready to jump into another R. I'm just... so perplexed. I think it's gonna take me 2-5 years to find anyone new that I like - somehow she ended up finding someone right away.

We have been separated now for 2,5 months, but I can't see myself dating anyone else yet. I think that you might be rushing into dating if you think about it already. But everyone is different. Take some time to take care of yourself and new or old loves will take care of its own. I had the most luck regarding love in my life when I was happy and really did not care about meeting someone. It just happened.

I'm not dating yet, but if their situation progresses, I might. Just one-nighters or similar. I don't want to feel alone and new casual R would definitely help me to get further faster. I'm not looking for a new M or anything like that, just friendship and sex

Maybe. It just doesn't feel like that now. It feels so bad to be left behind.

I totally get your sitch from a cultural perspective, I strongly suspect that we live in the same country in the northern part of Europe.

I suspect you are from the neighbor country, at least based on your name Quite close though.

Good luck with everything!

Thanks and you too! Thanks for commenting to my sitch!

[lcause]

"I doubt it's a clue."....What if you're wrong? What harm would it do to think about it?

She wouldn't date others if that's what she really means. We can't trust anything they say. It feels more like guilt alleviation than a genuine "what-if" thought. She tries to make me feel better. I just don't understand why say it - it hurts as she has to realize it's creating more unneeded hope. It's almost like she wants me to keep me as plan B if she a) doesn't find the happiness she was after or b) if the new guy doesn't turn up to be a good dude after all. In either case, I'm long gone. I won't accept being someone she can fall to if her other options didn't work. I'm a f* prize after I've DBd. Someone will get a super good spouse, who knows how to really care about the R he is in!