Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
C
canseco Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: canseco
I want to add...that our SL has been horrendous and close to zero for like 5 years (this is key info)...the worst...


this^^ is a big big deal.

She may feel you have no right to question her and that may explain her saying you "never said you could not have an open m", given that there was no sex inside the m.

Though we promise fidelity to our partners, meaning we won't have sex with others, there is also the understanding we will provide that to our spouses. When we don't, it tends to make people feel justified going outside the m, obviously.

What would be different in the m, if she were to commit?


[/color]
A key admission of hers is that when we were having sex that she didn't know how to ask me for what she wants....she has selective perception because we definitely had periods of good sex...I feel like that's necessary in her own mind to help justify her actions...I also accept my role in leading to her feelings...and I have changed in other ways for the better...if she were to commit, I believe the change would be she would have a partner who is older and wiser and in tune to what she wants....

[color:#FF0000]


I feel that poor communication led us each to shut ourselves down and withdraw,

what does this^^^ mean? It is very general. Vague. "Poor communication" does not excuse or equate to 5 years of feeling rejected. No offense, okay?

I get that it must have felt mutual but - sexist as it is, when there's no sex or even attempt at intimacy, the woman tends to feel the man isn't attracted to her, (guys do tend to initiate more, right or wrong) so when there's no attempts


[color:#FF0000]
she would dismiss what I felt were attempts at intimacy...or me expressing what I want...and because she didn't want to do those things that I wanted I should just accept that for the fact she didn't want to do them...ie. I would say "let's take a shower together, or bath" as a way to get warmed up...she seemed to consider this the stupidest idea ever conceived...I can live with that, but it's hard to say I didn't initiate things...or I would ask her to dress up in some minimal way...NO WAY!....she has now communicated that she was always frustrated if I got too excited too fast...that explanation makes more sense...she never was able to communicate anything like that back then

that gets depressing and develops bitterness and a - well, you get my point.

Be more specific in your hoped for solutions than saying "we will communicate better about sex". How? And then what?

You need real tools, and I'd suggest you seek them out b/c if you have not come upon them already then they require professional help. NO SHAME IN THAT....seriously.
[/color]
eventually building into mega resentment...yet, unbelievably through it all there was no loss of interest in touching like cuddling, holding hands, etc, continuing to enjoy our lives

lacking passion in the m, or feeling as if you are not desired is a real ego blow and will breed deep seated resentment in time. Yes that can, obviously, lead to a WAW or an A...


[/color] Yes, I resented her using me as some sort of sleep aid...in cases where there would be no sex...and yet now she has acted because she has needs...I'm wondering if she has simply changed in many ways and selectively remembering things to fit her new narrative?

...I've attempted to initiate working on our issues many times and been shot down...[/b]
[color:#3333FF]
what did you initiate? How? What does "shot down" mean? Ever see a sex therapist?What was your sex life like when you fell in love?


We never saw a sex therapist....she has never suggested any counselling or therapists whatsoever...I feel like I am ABSOLUTELY there in one second if she suggests these things now...

W has held long-term resentments and kept a score-card of ways that I have wronged her, always to bring those things up against me as if they are crimes I've committed....

I never truly suspected her A's until maybe one year ago...then I began to gather evidence...


Do you see any^^^ parallels?

You will both need to Lose the score cards and evidence gathering if you want to rebuild this marriage.



Yes, it's true...these score cards are ridiculous...especially if we are able to recognize where we went wrong back when we acted stupidly or inconsiderately...


Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
C
canseco Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
I should also add, just as a nice extra, she admits to unprotected sex with her A's....this is unbelievable...

and today she's frustrated because I'm not really talking to her so she uses this line of "what do you want me to do to make your life easy?"


yet, even with all of this, I would take her back (and maybe many of you would say I'm a fool for this)...at least make an attempt...because we never even made a solid attempt together to work on our issues...it's true that she possibly has had the A's to force me to end the M and this must be considered...

the crazy thing is prior to meeting her, I had a very high sex drive...but I don't believe she did...it's possible her body has changed now....

but I guess I want to know what is a major way to send her the message how I feel and what I expect from her....but without forcing her into a drastic change like "that's it...it's over", etc....should I tell her to leave for the weekend??...or move out?...get tested for STD's immediately?

...this is crazy


Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 285
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 285
Originally Posted By: canseco
yet, even with all of this, I would take her back (and maybe many of you would say I'm a fool for this)...


Not very many here thinks you are a fool. This site is all about support for all posters, what ever route they want to take.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Breathe...do you know what you actually want and want to do starting from where you are now? And what boundaries you need to protect yourself and your own needs?


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Sorry but I cannot recall your ages now. And no kids, right?

(If you can add a few basics to your signature block in your profile, they'll be reminders to us of your backstory so we don't confuse yo with other posters. The more details that fit the signature, the easier for us to give appropriate support).


Originally Posted By: canseco
I should also add, just as a nice extra, she admits to unprotected sex with her A's....this is unbelievable...

and today she's frustrated because I'm not really talking to her so she uses this line of "what do you want me to do to make your life easy?"


yet, even with all of this, I would take her back (and maybe many of you would say I'm a fool for this)...at least make an attempt...because we never even made a solid attempt together to work on our issues...it's true that she possibly has had the A's to force me to end the M and this must be considered...

but either way^^^ if you never directly addressed your issues, AND OR she is having "exit" affair(s), you yourself would benefit by learning to speak to this,^^^

and by GAL and moving forward with or without your w.

Do you have a therapist or counselor (for you individually, not as a couple)? I would strongly suggest you get one asap

not b/c there is something "wrong" about you - but b/c you need tools for this crap in real life.

Also, no one HERE is going to call you a fool for wanting to reconcile. This is a pro marriage support site.

IT is NOT a "save your m at all cost" site, however. Remember that. Saving yourself is always going to be the first step but some people cannot or will not do that

and the rub is, that some don't see how their inability to show self care, also relates to their ability to get respect and love in a healthy way.
In other words

the very thing that paralyzes them from doing what they need to do (b/c they are afraid to lose their spouse)

is what got them here in the first place. Sometimes people let their fears get so powerful that they bring about the very result they feared in the first place.



the crazy thing is prior to meeting her, I had a very high sex drive...but I don't believe she did...it's possible her body has changed now....

but I guess I want to know what is a major way to send her the message how I feel and what I expect from her


^^^words calmly expressed, with action that is consistent with the words. It is not complicated. I didn't say it was "easy" but it is pretty simple.



....but without forcing her into a drastic change like "that's it...it's over", etc....should I tell her to leave for the weekend??...or move out?...get tested for STD's immediately?

...this is crazy


I'm not sure what you think you can control in HER. How can you "force her into a drastic change"??

You only control you.

the rest of this is you spinning


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
C
canseco Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
Me 42 Her 47..no kids

Of course I have never thought I could control her...never have I tried either...we are free people

..my thinking is definitely not to save the M at the expense of two people not wanting to be part of it together...

I get the feeling she almost WANTS me to punish her in some way like asking her to move out to help herself accept she behaved badly...

she says she misses me...I moved her out of the MBR.....I stopped all cuddling and hugging as described in Sandy's rules..

my only true hope is that if she can recognize things like the fact her A's are very damaging to me right now in this moment and not feel I'm being selfish for thinking that...and that I'm not asking her to ignore the problems in our relationship which got her to that point...if she truly doesn't want me in her life, there is nothing I can do to force her to of course...that's obvious to me..

i am 100% ready to face our problems head-on together however we need to...of course if she is a willing participant..

the problem is, in her mind, I feel she has created a narrative where she believes she had the A's as a response to my neglect and it's almost like any attempt by me to say "though I understand your feelings that may have gotten you to the point of thinking an A is the best thing to do, that was wrong"....that this is somehow the wrong thing for me to be saying to her?!


I have seen a therapist before....we had planned to see her together...she agreed...then we went and she changed her mind at the last second and decided she wanted to go alone...I don't have a problem with that...but that was the only time she went..

I am working with a DB coach starting next week

I want to improve myself....I have listened to her criticisms of me over the years which she would pull from her scorecard...and I've taken them to heart and made conscious efforts to work on and improve those things...she even acknowledges my successes in these things....and I look back and can say "why did I act like that? it was very immature or stupid...I don't think like that anymore"....so, I am working on me...but, I know there is no hope of R without complete collaboration


Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
C
canseco Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
My W asked if I want to go to the zoo with her the weekend.
Do I turn her down or go?! What do I do? I'm sorry if this
Is a stupid question. i do hate the feeling of punishing her...it
still doesn't feel good to hurt someone I love
What should I do?


Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Do what is best for you and your own DBing goals. Do what makes you feel calm and strong


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
C
canseco Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 29
If I go. Does that send the wrong message to her?
I would like to go. But I'm not sure she's considered why
I may not want to go.


Me 42 Her 47
M 10yrs
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Stop trying to mind read - it really won't help and you cannot know what she is thinking unless she tells you. Go if you want to and it fits your DB/180 goals. But if you go, no expectations...think of it as a trip to the zoo with a neighbour you don't know very well!


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard