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Treasur Offline OP
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I seem to have hit a funny second wind of grief (or 500th!) as I'm working hard to build my detaching muscles. I just miss my H. The sound of his voice, his smell, the feeling of him in another room. I think this is the first time I've cried in months. I thought I would always be able to reach out and feel his hand.

I know my H is not available anymore. Sometimes I worry that I'll forget what he looked like before he became Mr Depressed Shark Eyes. He isn't available because he's lost himself or he's fine with the OW and happy. It doesn't matter really. His absence is the same.

I think I'm grieving again because I love him, and I hate what has happened to him, and there is nothing I can do about it. And, more than just detaching, I know I have to choose to go dark for my own survival really.

I know some of you know how hard this path is and how hard it is to keep doing things which are hard to do when you're tired. I just miss my husband's face.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Originally Posted By: Treasur
I think I'm grieving again because I love him, and I hate what has happened to him, and there is nothing I can do about it. And, more than just detaching, I know I have to choose to go dark for my own survival really.


I think we all have had the missing stages. Hell, sometimes I still miss my XW... But what I really miss is the "us" that was before "the Darkness" came around.

I don't miss her lying, the cheating, the miserable interactions..

You can love someone. You can care about someone. You also don't have to accept all the BS that comes with the package. You can't fix him.

Going dark at the juncture seems like a reasonable and prudent thing to do.

I kept all interactions to e-mails only after a fashion. I didn't have to deal with the craziness. It gave me an opportunity to think out my response instead of reacting to it.


“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter

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You have nothing to be ashamed of. Just because you detach for your sanity doesn't mean you somehow stop loving someone. Just like were fully aware that our spouses still love us in their wayward state of mind. So if you feel the need for a good cry, then go ahead and do so.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
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Treasur Offline OP
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MrCas - did my reply to your questions about his 'motivation' make sense? (Always find it helpful to check I'm not infected by crazy too!)

Tread - thank you. Maybe I do feel a bit ashamed of still loving the H I knew given what he is now. I have no idea if my H still feels anything about me at all now, tbh. I know he did love me, but now, no doesn't look like he'd spit on me if I was on fire.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Yes, unless he expressly stated what his motivations are, I would guess it would be mind reading...


“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter

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Journalling...

So, here is where I am today. Sun is shining and I'm out with friends at the weekend. STBXH has gone back to his silent cave, either alone or partying in Paris with OW. My lawyer is still waiting for responses for his on big financial stuff...sigh...and in a couple of weeks wants me to press the button that will take us to Court because of his non-responsiveness.

I have gone NC and plan to do nothing for the next 3 weeks other than legal stuff. If my STBXH wants to 'salvage something from the horrible mess' as he calls it, he knows what I need him to do practically before mid-August. (3 things - propose a decent financial agreement, email the lawyers that he is pausing for 6 months before finalising the D to give us time to talk. Come and see me for a day on the coast to start talking.) I don't have any expectations that he will, so I'm just getting on with life. I guess detachment has brought me to the point where I accept that my M is gone and that it isn't my job to come up with ideas to tidy up the mess he now (probably) is starting to see he has made for himself. Me saying no thank you, going NC and being detached is a big 180 for me but it feels like a good place to be right now. What a slow learner!

Going through an MLC divorce is pretty odd (quite apart from the fact that I never imagined we would get D!) I couldn't really tell you why he wants a divorce because he 'forgot' to say! And having filed in January, he has spent months getting in the way of his own divorce process and making every sensible low-cost option impossible. Even his own lawyer has told my lawyer off the record that she is finding it difficult to get him to respond to her or communicate...Avoidance is certainly his new middle name and he should get a tattoo of that really. I suppose MLC crazy combined with D crazy just means the fun keeps coming doesn't it?

I decided yesterday that one of my goals is not to invite WTF more into my life by snooping. I could ring OW office and confirm that she is away this week, but really what practical difference does that make? Unless my STBXH does something different, it is less demeaning and more practical to assume (mind read a bit!) that a) he lies if his lips are moving b) the last facts I have suggest he is living part of the time with OW & planning to remarry as soon as he can and c) the MLC version of him is not reliable, rational or trustworthy. I'll let my lawyer do her thing and it will all bubble away on the side. My strategy is to detach, put myself first and do nothing without thinking.

And me? I've been doing pretty well on GAL stuff and have more plans for trying new things...musing on boxing vs learning to play the drums for repressed rage, what do you think? My biggest priorities are Work & Rubble. Work because I run my own business and need to rebuild it after the last couple of years. Rubble because, as well as dealing with the practical rubble of our 20 years, I'm still dealing with 50+ years of my parents' stuff - houses, legal & financial things - and it all takes a lot of time and energy. I think my early New Year resolution for 2018 is to go the whole year without talking to a lawyer about anything at all!

I sleep better. I don't eat much still. I need to stop smoking again. I wish that whatever happened to my husband hadn't blown my/our life up but it did, and after such a long time in this confusing dark place, I really want to get it in the rear view mirror soon. I'm not lonely, but I am sex-starved! But it is just a bit too early for me to date yet...I think I might need to wait until I'm legally divorced...we'll see. So, detachment is hard and a bit sad but also it is quite relaxing to stop trying to guess what will happen next or repair things I didn't break. I can just focus on me and things that are in my gift and control.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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Treasur Offline OP
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How do you make sense of what was real in your M before MLC? Especially if you're having to do it on your own because your H refused to talk about it. Sometimes I wonder if I was just conned for 20 years and this awful person is who he truly was. If there were terrible things I didn't know.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Joined: Jun 2017
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Hi Treasur

You sound like you're doing well generally although you have been on this journey a long time and that scares the life out of me. I don't believe you were conned for 20 years it's MLC and he is now a different person to the one that was your H the same as mine. All the evidence says 2-7 years and that's if they ever come out of it.

Have a lovely weekend
SJ x


Me 46 H 39
M 11 T 14
S 10 DO 8
ILYBNILWY 11.06.17
Separate rooms 11.06.17
ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17
Kicked H out 23.6.17
H came home 20.8.17



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Originally Posted By: Treasur
I seem to have hit a funny second wind of grief (or 500th!) as I'm working hard to build my detaching muscles. I just miss my H. The sound of his voice, his smell, the feeling of him in another room. I think this is the first time I've cried in months. I thought I would always be able to reach out and feel his hand.

I know my H is not available anymore. Sometimes I worry that I'll forget what he looked like before he became Mr Depressed Shark Eyes. He isn't available because he's lost himself or he's fine with the OW and happy. It doesn't matter really. His absence is the same.

I think I'm grieving again because I love him, and I hate what has happened to him, and there is nothing I can do about it. And, more than just detaching, I know I have to choose to go dark for my own survival really.

I know some of you know how hard this path is and how hard it is to keep doing things which are hard to do when you're tired. I just miss my husband's face.



Treasur,

I'm sorry you feel this way. My W told me only yesterday that she has filed for D and I'm already starting to miss my family. I hate this feeling and can't wait for time to heal my wounds. Like you, I'll miss my W's voice, her smell, the feeling of her in another room, the smell of dinner cooking and being called to the table, and just growing old together. As a counter balance, I have to remind myself that she's having an EA (I know it's a symptom of our failed M)and continues to believe that she hasn't done anything wrong to lead us to where we are.

I truly feel for you as I feel that same. Try to stay strong. I'm so glad I've found this forum. Had I not, I would be pursing her like mad to win her back, but I don't. I'm GALing the hell out of my life and it really works! I don't care if my W notices, I'm just having fun as it takes my mind off the D. Also, my S and I are super close, so we always do fun things together.

Take care,
Teppo


Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress
M: 44, W: 44, S: 7
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
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Treasur Offline OP
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How do you know when detachment moves to not wanting your spouse back, even if it were possible? Do any of you feel that? Have any of you seen someone you recognise still after MLC fog?

I feel like I'm standing on a funny dotted line between detachment and no expectations and detachment because I WANT to walk away. Practically I don't know if it changes my actions as things are right now, but it is niggling at me.

I love my husband but I know the old M is dead and I mourn most of it. But I don't know if he even exists anymore behind this strange man he has become. I used to have faith that the core of him was still in there but I really don't know. And no-one healthy would want who he seems to be now.


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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