Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,680
Hi! Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for your kind words

I don't know the deets of your story but if H is not living there and if he has OW you should Go dark. NC unless kids or bill related. It's difficult if you work together but then maybe you could remember to treat him as a neighbor. People referenced the check out clerk. Smiles and goes about her day with the next customer, that really helped
Me to imagine what that looked like.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Henwen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
Hi T. No OW that I know of. Nothing points of one. He left because he said he was unhappy with the way things were. The constant arguiing and lack of sex.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 32
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 32
Originally Posted By: Henwen
Hmm I never thought of that before. Weird that he would start a big and expensive project like that while he is disconnecting. I did hear from him that he is going to dinner with us as a family for the boys birthday. I have made a goal for myself. To not talk of any R or anything that resembles R for the rest of July. Aug 6 he takes the kids and leaves for the rest of the summer and travels with them. We used to do it as a family but this year it's just him and the kids and I will stay back and run the business. So I won't see my kids for a month while that bothers me they are all ok with that. So I am trying to be upbeat and positive for them. I don't want to say no to the trip as they do it every year. So it's something they look forward to. And honestly. With working with each other every day it is super hard to detach. So him being gone will a good break. So I'm trying to be light and breezy and leave him with a good feeling of us when he goes away. It's hard to see them all have fun when I am left behind. And yes I am GAL but it's still bittersweet to see them all living my old life without me. My best friend keeps telling me WH is showing signs of coming home or at least being confused. By him telling me of his day last week and now wanting to build up the house. And I refuse to look at it like that because it hurts to much to get my hopes up. My IC who used to be our MC said the same thing. She doesn't think he's gone for good. He's just gone to get some breathing space. There are so many signs of him going to return. But once when I asked to date or if he was coming home he said no. He was tired of my arguiing and accusations. And I will never change. I want to believe he will come home. But at the same time I don't want to live in that constant feeling of hope. I know if I press I will get the answer I don't want. But then sometimes I think it will be better then the limbo I am in. I know I will be ok with out him. That's not what concerns me. I feel that if he is really wanting out then let's get it over with. And I even said as much to him. Let's get it on if this is what you want. But then he won't. So to save me from going crazy I have promised myself a break. Leave it for the summer. Don't talk R. Detach. GAL. Continue working on my house. Lose some weight. And revisit things in the fall when he comes back with the kids. Easier said then done for me.


I am in a similar sitch as you only reversed gender roles. We work together and I found that its actually easy to fake detachment when you work together. I am faking it till I make it. I keep our conversations strictly limited to work. I make sure I dont initiate any convo about kids, work, and home unless absolutely necessary. R talks are a big no no for me to initiate. If she initiates R talk while talking about work I listen, validate and immediately go back to work talk. I would make my work fun, chat with co workers and clients about GAL activities. Make friends with everyone. Be an employee he cannot afford to lose and watch how job offers pour in from your own clients. But it will take some time. Till then DETACH.

Do not get your hopes up, as his investing in the house maybe to increase the value in case you guys end up selling it, when D is finalized. Your goal is to be the W only a fool will leave. And yes lose some weight, read Dr Davis's book, Wheat Belly even if you dont have a belly. When he comes back in fall, be a pleasant co-worker and nothing more. Let him hear it from others, the GAL stories you will be sharing with others. Exercise everyday and find a hobby that takes you out of the house. I am no expert, follow what you like best of the things I mentioned.

Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 32
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 32
Originally Posted By: Henwen
So just journaling. WH told me he didn't need anything from the house. Whatever he didn't pick up he would just buy. Today he text me if he could come by and pick up a window air conditioner from the house. As much I wanted to say I thought you were just going to but what you needed?? But I didn't. I just said ok. So he came by and got the ac unit and helped our oldest son with the hot tub.

I'm having a hard time with him going to this wedding in two weeks. So we got into an argument over that. I need to keep my mouth shut and my anger down. It's hard tho. It just feels like his life never changed. He still gets to go out on weekends at the cottage. And I stay home. I still run the kids everywhere. He does work later then me. My question is. Do I force him to run the kids around as well. Or just do it and grin it and bear it so he will come back. And how do you tell when it's too late for the M? He tells me it's too late. But then sometimes I tell him to come home and he just rubs his face. So part of me thinks it's not too late. This is all confusing. Two of my friends have separated and both got back with their husbands. But it was the women who left and the men wanting them back. Not the men leaving. And I know there are no guarantees in life. But I'm
Just wondering on signs.


Two weeks is a long time to accomplish a whole new GAL routine. Also you need to stop looking at any signs, its all a deceptive facade. Do not ask him to come home. 180 all the way. Reconnect with some old friends (not mutual friends) and invite them over or go out for dinner/ movies. Be sure to share it with everyone else at work when he is NOT there. Let him hear it from them. Its never to late but you need to stop the persuit immediately. There are no guarantees but the chances of you coming out on top are substantially higher if you follow DB steps.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Henwen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
Thanks!! I woke up today promising myself no arguiing. Nothing. So he got upset with me this morning as two employees are not here. He swears I did not tell him. I know I did. And I'm front of our other employees. So next time I will make sure I text him and screenshot said texts so I have proof that I did tell him. It bothers me that he does not hold himself accountable for a lot of his actions. He came from a very abusive household growing up. So he has a hard time accepting fault with himself. That is what leads to our arguments. Because I try to get him to see his faults and he refuses to look. I don't do that now. This was during the relationship. And I would always jump at the chance to show how wrong he was because he always believed himself to be right. I can see now how that would be detrimental to the male or anyone's pysche.

I will fake it until I make it. It's the only way right now and use this board more to vent on so I don't vent on him.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 32
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 32
Just text him next time, no need for the screenshots, if he questions politely tell him to check his texts and dont ruin your workday. The fact that two employees didnt show up is blessing, now you can step up your game and move closer to being the employee, he cannot afford to lose. If he argues even about work listen validate and move on to the next task. He needs to see the new you but it will take time. And it does get easier especially when you work together and long as you dont forget DB rules and DETACH

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Henwen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
That's what I'm trying to do. But he knows what buttons to push and i still fall into the trap.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Henwen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
So I found out he gave the kids a used sea doo. He text me today that it's an old one low hp. I simply said that it's a fantastic gift and I am sure everyone will have fun with it. And left it at that. I know he was expecting me to argue about it and get upset. But I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction. Plus who cares if he got that for the kids. Really. It has nothing to do with me.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Henwen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
So H text me last night about some payments he thought came out of his Visa card. I kept it simple and said those payments should not have come out of your Visa. Show me tomorrow. I'm confused. Then he came back and said oh my mistake. I'm wrong. They did come out of the bank account. I simply said ok good. Then he said but there are some weird transactions on my Visa. I again kept it polite and said I'm not sure. You will have look into that. I don't use your Visa.

I used to use his Visa before BD. Anyways I didn't fall bait to anything I kept it professional and he had nothing to fight against and he stopped texting. Today at work I'm keeping it professional and light.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
H
Henwen Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
Interesting. H had a tow job today. And he couldn't find the vehicle. That normally gets him overwhelmed and getting angry at me. But today he said directions got messed up and it wasn't my fault. That is not normal for him. At all. I see this as a plus.

I did however ask him to talk to our D13 about living with him part time in the fall. She doesn't want to at the moment. Because there is nothing to do at his house she says. And since he has them for the month of August it would be a good time to talk to her about this. He said he can't make them do anything. Which totally goes against his whole you are the parent and they are the child philosophy. And he's not talking about taking the kids not because he doesn't want them. He loves the kids and loves spending time with them. He's not making any decisions in this separation. If he wants it so bad why won't he make decisions? Lol.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard