I try to take it day by day. Trust me. Some days it's an uphill battle. Thank you for taking the time to respond tho. I read about your sitch everytime you post. You are an inspiration Blu.
So tonight WH came to pick up the kids for the weekend. I wasn't home. I guess he looked around at the new landscaping. He told me it looked good. But he wasn't impressed with part of it and if I wasn't he would talk to the landscaper for me to see if he could change it. Then he says. You know maybe we should look into getting the pool surround and back patio done. I don't know how to respond. Why in the world would he want to do that? Especially since I asked him if he wanted to get together, just as a family, for our boys birthdays next week. We did a family dinner out at a restaurant for our Ds birthday at the beginning of the year. So why avoid the question about the boys but then suggest we spend a ton of money to fix up the back yard.
It's the way that they disconnect - people first, things last.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hmm I never thought of that before. Weird that he would start a big and expensive project like that while he is disconnecting. I did hear from him that he is going to dinner with us as a family for the boys birthday. I have made a goal for myself. To not talk of any R or anything that resembles R for the rest of July. Aug 6 he takes the kids and leaves for the rest of the summer and travels with them. We used to do it as a family but this year it's just him and the kids and I will stay back and run the business. So I won't see my kids for a month while that bothers me they are all ok with that. So I am trying to be upbeat and positive for them. I don't want to say no to the trip as they do it every year. So it's something they look forward to. And honestly. With working with each other every day it is super hard to detach. So him being gone will a good break. So I'm trying to be light and breezy and leave him with a good feeling of us when he goes away. It's hard to see them all have fun when I am left behind. And yes I am GAL but it's still bittersweet to see them all living my old life without me. My best friend keeps telling me WH is showing signs of coming home or at least being confused. By him telling me of his day last week and now wanting to build up the house. And I refuse to look at it like that because it hurts to much to get my hopes up. My IC who used to be our MC said the same thing. She doesn't think he's gone for good. He's just gone to get some breathing space. There are so many signs of him going to return. But once when I asked to date or if he was coming home he said no. He was tired of my arguiing and accusations. And I will never change. I want to believe he will come home. But at the same time I don't want to live in that constant feeling of hope. I know if I press I will get the answer I don't want. But then sometimes I think it will be better then the limbo I am in. I know I will be ok with out him. That's not what concerns me. I feel that if he is really wanting out then let's get it over with. And I even said as much to him. Let's get it on if this is what you want. But then he won't. So to save me from going crazy I have promised myself a break. Leave it for the summer. Don't talk R. Detach. GAL. Continue working on my house. Lose some weight. And revisit things in the fall when he comes back with the kids. Easier said then done for me.
So I have been doing a ton of reading on these posts. And I'm a bit nervous. I have read and understand how my WH feels. And when I found out about his EA I never let him live or down. I always brought it up. I held deep resentment in me about it. I'm over it now tho. I see it for what it was and why it happened. I know it's no ones fault but his own. But I can see how it was enabled etc. anyways my point being. For almost a year I cried victim over this. Not every day and sometimes not every month. But any chance I got i brought it up. And I know he felt like [censored] for doing it. Because he has been cheated on in his past. But how does he get over me thinking he was trash? And know that I don't think that way anymore. I have sent the apology letter to him as per my DBcoachs suggestion and things got good between us. And with us working together I have made mistakes like paid bills late and now he keeps bringing that up. He says he can't trust me to get my job done. And then he just gets angry at me. He can't look at himself right now and see his faults. It's too hard for him. I have stopped arguiing at work. And have asked for him to put his personal feelings aside as well so we can just work together. I can't quit. I make way to much to find anywhere else. I have nc with him except work and the kids. And I know he needs to do the work himself to get over his anger. But is there anything else I can do from my end? Especially when he starts to get angry and then starts getting angry st me and blaming me for stuff that has nothing to do with me.
I understand that feeling of wanting to "do" more, when sometimes doing less is actually more. In terms of him getting angry and blaming, I would say revisit the validation threads for ideas. It is a good way to let him know that you are listening and care about what he says, without necessarily agreeing or taking the blame. It's a good skill to have in any R.
I don't know what else to tell you about why he is investing in expensive house projects. I don't think it is an indicator that he will come back, as much as I don't think it's an indicator that he won't. Sometimes it is hard to accept that we just don't know why. You don't though. He may not even know. My H certainly gave off signs that he would return and it wasn't even his intention. If someone had asked him at the time, "are you doing this because you plan on returning home?" I don't think he would have known how to answer. He probably would have said "no" just to save face.
If you read all of Cadet's HW, you will see that they speak in absolute negatives because they are also scared. Remember to believe none of what he says and half of what he does. The more sure they seem, the more we believe it is true. That is incorrect. There were times I would press H for answers, "What are we doing here? What about the house? Or the kids? When are we getting D?" I would really test him. The more I did this, the more I was met with "I told you we are done and it's over." I think forcing this out of him also aided in him staying away longer.
It wasn't actually true tho. He was hurt and confused too. He felt that he had made his decision though and was also showing face and protecting his ego. I didn't learn any of this until after he came back of course. So I would say if you press him for answers, it may only hurt you more. Can you accept that there is a chance that he is as hurting and confused as you are? And maybe be is hiding that so well because he is a man that just walked out on his family and is afraid he made the wrong choice, so guilt and pride may further cloud his judgements? I don't know this but perhaps it's possible?
I know it must hurt they are taking the family vacay without you. I did this with my kids and it was hard for me and for H being left out. All in all though, the benefits of time, space away, and detachment seem like a great opportunity for all of you. Maybe this is what you all need?
Hang in there! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I agree that he is hurt and scared as well. And doesn't know what he is doing. I have told him that the path home is open to him. But I am not forcing nor asking him to come home. It will be his choice and decision. I guess I just want to hear that he needs more time to decide. I would be ok with that. And I try to remind myself that believe none of what he says. But it hard when he says he's done. And I found out in his email that he just bought a used sea doo for the summer and the kids. He hasn't told me. I know that he doesn't have too. As we aren't technically together anymore. And I know the old me would have got into a huge argument over it but it still hurts that he is hiding it from me.
So just journaling. WH told me he didn't need anything from the house. Whatever he didn't pick up he would just buy. Today he text me if he could come by and pick up a window air conditioner from the house. As much I wanted to say I thought you were just going to but what you needed?? But I didn't. I just said ok. So he came by and got the ac unit and helped our oldest son with the hot tub.
I'm having a hard time with him going to this wedding in two weeks. So we got into an argument over that. I need to keep my mouth shut and my anger down. It's hard tho. It just feels like his life never changed. He still gets to go out on weekends at the cottage. And I stay home. I still run the kids everywhere. He does work later then me. My question is. Do I force him to run the kids around as well. Or just do it and grin it and bear it so he will come back. And how do you tell when it's too late for the M? He tells me it's too late. But then sometimes I tell him to come home and he just rubs his face. So part of me thinks it's not too late. This is all confusing. Two of my friends have separated and both got back with their husbands. But it was the women who left and the men wanting them back. Not the men leaving. And I know there are no guarantees in life. But I'm Just wondering on signs.
So today was my oldests birthday. We went out to dinner as a family. We did the same thing on Monday for my youngests birthday. It was nice. Today H asks if I wanted anything at the coffe shop. I think I stumbled over my no thank you. He hasn't asked if wanted anything for months. When I get angry I try to think of the bigger picture here. I have read all about the actions and reactions. So I'm trying not to let my anger get thru. I'm trying to figure out a life without him. How that will look and feel. How maybe I should try and look for a job where I'm not working with him. I make a lot of money at this job. It would be a bad decision financial wise to give it up. After all the reading her this past week I can see that my anger and blame has been validating my H's reasons for leaving and making me seem like a b!tch. So I need to give that up and move forward with the forgiveness. For myself. So I'm not angry.
