Here again part 11

[OwnIt]

T one thing at a time: you need to finish all this school work. Then you need to find an attorney that you like and believe understands your goals (but first you have to know them yourself).

Courts don't care about the minutiae. Keep a journal as suggested but don't try to strategically text. He's either being a dad, or he isn't. He's either helping or he isn't.

Take some time, figure out what you want deep down inside. At the first sign he's messing with the money, take action. Right now no one can help you because don't know what you want. That will become clear.

[Train]

If it makes you feel better to keep a record, T, the easiest way I've found (and also the most reliable in the event it WOULD ever matter):

Take screenshots of the communications and download them to your computer. That way, they're even date/time stamped.

[25yearsmlc]

T - you wrote that your h does the following


He left June 14th and was gone for a week, his things are still gone as if he doesn't live here, yet he sleeps here 6/7 nights a week now. Again, if none of this matters to the courts, then great.

^^^this is a man with a plan and or, who has seen a L...


Sorry

[EastTN]

I am a bit confused by all the advice on here. In regards to filing first, and throwing him off guard, getting the upper hand, using texts in court, etc. I can't imagine that any of this benefits you.

Filing first ABSOLUTELY benefited me. In Tennessee there are two courts you can file in: circuit court, and chancery court. Circuit court has multiple judges and serves multiple counties. Chancery court has one judge and serves a single county. Had STBXW filed first, she could have filed in chancery court, which in my county is served by a 75 year old judge who believes young children ALWAYS belong with their mother. I would be lucky to see my daughter every other weekend, despite the fact that she has been living with me sunday through friday every week. By filing in circuit court, we had half a dozen judges who the case could have been assigned to in case the divorce was contested, giving us a far better chance of preserving the status quo.

Other states are undoubtedly different, but blanket advice like the above probably hurts more than it helps. Ask an attorney about issues like that, don't rely on the crowdsourced wisdom of the internet.

[T384]

Own and Train-

I have kept screen shots of everything in the event it does make a difference.

25 - I don't think he's seen a lawyer but I do believe he is being coached by someone that knows this.

He's been talking a lot to EX boss--- the one who's daughter he left me for last time whose couch he lived on ... the ex boss found him the L last time and paid to help him get D from me. So I imagine since they haven't talked in years (NC was agreed upon when we R) that H is asking for his help.

He is such a POS. Came in my room to say goodnight to the boys. Doesn't kiss the baby or anything if I'm holding him god forbid he gets too close to me. He said goodnight to the boys not a word to me, mind you they are laying in bed right next to me so it's not like I'm far away, anyway S9 said you have to kiss mommmy and say goodnight. H acted like he didn't hear and asked what movie they were watching. S9 kept saying it like 5 times and H ignored so I finally said S9 shhh and H walked out.

I get that I'm not saying goodnight or hello or even acknowledging his existence but I feel like this is not good in front of the kids. Should I start doing those things even if he doesn't? I am fine not talking to him but I think it sets a bad example for the boys and I don't want to be stooping to his level.

[T384]

Ugh, kind of spinning today, not in an emotional way but more of stress/what if thoughts.

The big soccer game is tomorrow night, it hasn't been discussed but I know H assumes he's going. He asked me last week, isn't that soccer game next Saturday, I just replied yup.

My dad thinks he should come - which then we got into a little tift because I'm like you told him his life wouldn't be this way so why are you telling me I should allow him to come? I feel so confused.

H has started the last few days leaving his laundry in our family laundry basket. This is something he hasn't done since BD in March. He kept it separate, even after he moved out he kept it in his truck, now the last few nights I found his clothes in there and my dad even did them and folded them all. Point being, I don't care but now when I'm at school and my dad is here at the house he's doing H's laundry. Like really?so basically I feel like it's showing H that my dad's words of this won't be his life aren't being shown to him. Sure buddy, just go out all night, come here whenever you want, we will do your laundry and hell you can even come to the soccer game with us.

I know I am just ranting because I'm frustrated in this moment and am questioning my decision. Do I just allow him to come for the boys sake? I am genuinely asking because I was certain on not inviting him, I had already even asked one of the boy's friends to come but they ended up buying their own tickets at the last minute.

Anyway, I recognize my spiraling (Cadence haha)

Just feel like he is you know whatting all over me and I felt like the soccer game was going to be me finally standing up that he won't participate in family activities and now I am second guessing myself because my family all thinks I should just let him go and put my differences aside for the boys since we bought these tickets a long time ago and planned to go together.

I don't know what the right decision is anymore...

I wish I did, I just want to do what's best for the boys

[TBSakaJ9]

What would your boys want? My children are 8 and 6, if it was an event and they wanted their mom to attend I would figure out a way to get through it emotionally even though she walked out on us. I have not been following your sitch that close so please take that into consideration.

[Ginger1]

Your family seems like they love you very much. However, they sure are telling you (and your H) what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.....then go against what they said.

Maybe you don't know don't know what the right decision is because you have a bunch of people telling you. Plus, you are trying so hard (in your mind) to actually save the marriage.

So, why don't you step back, drown out everyone, (including us) and really decide what you want your boundaries to be. Not as a tactic to get him to suffer loss or to get him back. Just what actually feels right and somewhat not torturous to you.

I won't tell you what I think you should do on this one, although I do have an opinion .

It's good to look for advice or listen to unsolicited advice sometimes, but when it's clouding your ability to see things from your own point of view, it's time to shut everyone else out and sort it out with yourself.

[Ginger1]

.....and a side note..... Idon't know exactly what you do for a living, but it sure does seem like you are a medical professional. Anabolic steroids? Those don't exactly put him in his right mind....

[sandi2]

He is such a POS. Came in my room to say goodnight to the boys. Doesn't kiss the baby or anything if I'm holding him god forbid he gets too close to me. He said goodnight to the boys not a word to me, mind you they are laying in bed right next to me so it's not like I'm far away, anyway S9 said you have to kiss mommmy and say goodnight. H acted like he didn't hear and asked what movie they were watching. S9 kept saying it like 5 times and H ignored so I finally said S9 shhh and H walked out.

Stooping to his level? What? You gonna emotionally balckmail the guy to say goodnight? Come on, T, don't do that kind of stuff and then say it's for the sake of the kids. You just sat there while S9 continued trying to get your H to say goodnight.....how many times? Why would you do that? I'm sorry, but there is nothing attractive about a woman allowing her child to go on & on.......b/c it strongly hints of you wanting to see H respond with some type of acknowledgement of you.

I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who see LBS's lie to themselves about how some action is for their kids.....IDK, maybe it's just that I am the only one who would dare suggest it. IMHO, this has more to do with your feelings for H, than with the kids. I think it would only hurt you, to impose these actions on a man who clearly does not want it. If you don't want the kids seeing it, then step out of the room when he enters. Why are they all in your room when you know he's going in there to tell them goodnight?

As I've previously suggested, you need to have a conversation with the boys. If you don't, then S9 will continue asking H along on family outings and pushing him to kiss mommy goodnight. Is your subconscious wanting S9 to do it?

I still think H has been advised to spend xx amount of time in the home, either so you can't charge for abandonment, or whatever. I don't think he wants to be there for the sake of the kids. It's too obvious he is not trying to bond with his baby.