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cadence Offline OP
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Sounds like the only issue you really have is that your name is on the mortgage, correct?


Yes. No other entanglements. We had a joint account for expenses, but it was my paycheck going in there and I took the money out and had my direct deposit changed back to my personal account.

Our agreement was that he was putting down the money and would be helping with out of the ordinary expenses, but I'd be covering the ordinary ones. With our financial situations, this made sense.

We were both earning extra rental income from renting out our properties we owned before moving in together/buying the house. So, aside from his money not being liquid, living there was advancing both of our financial situations. Prior to this, he was living on an overdraft line of checking, since he didn't get paid regularly. The rental income was freedom to him, but I guess he doesn't want that anymore because it would mean being with me.

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If you aren't planning to move or finance any major consumer debt like a car, then it probably isn't the worst thing in the world.


I do need to get a car in the near future as mine is pretty old. I am in watch and wait mode on that. I don't want to get one too soon, as I'm paying off a credit card, and I only have outdoor parking next to college students.

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So what has he hired the lawyer to do?


It seems like it is to draw up documents/make offers. However, I think the first offer was verbal. And I guess trying to twist things so I'm the one initiating documents and they're reacting, which is what I'm finding massively unfair.

Quote:
Come after you for 1/2 the mortgage payments or the down payment?


The mortgage payment thing was the reason I got my attorney. I wanted to know what could happen if I moved out and stopped paying. He helped me understand my risk was low, and if anyone could come after me, it would be the lender as part of foreclosure proceedings.

He can't come after me for the down payment, because he made it.

With 50% of the house and nothing in writing about what would happen if it sold, he'd be in deep trouble there if I were feeling vindictive. But that could also open the door to endless litigation, with him suing me.

Quote:
Unless you signed some kind of promissory note to him then I don't imagine he has any legal recourse regarding the downpayment.


Absolutely nothing in writing. In the time up to closing, I was wondering why he wasn't getting an attorney, but I didn't speak up about it. I assumed it meant he was very committed to me and very sure about our relationship.

My only true risk is foreclosure. If he let it go into foreclosure, he'd lose his money and his credit would be impacted. I just have the credit issue, so that's why I'm not too worried about it.

Thanks for talking through this with me. I'm going to speak to my lawyer today and ask that he make it clear to ex's attorney that they will do the work on this, since he is the one who wanted to get rid of me and sell.

I'm not going to hustle and pay my attorney to draw up agreements. This isn't really my emergency and I don't want the guilt on my shoulders. If he wanted this, then he can send me potential agreements to sign to get it done. I will sign one that I find fair.

I'm trying to stay solely focused on what is most comfortable to me. I am not going out of my way to cause him problems, but my wellbeing and comfort is my focus after he ended the relationship.

I want him to be responsible for cleaning up the mess he's made. It feels insulting that I'd be paying my attorney to produce agreements for a sale I never even wanted. The sale is not a priority for me; my wellbeing, performing well at work, and finishing graduate school to get some magical letters after my name that will open so many doors for me are what count now.

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cadence Offline OP
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Just got a court summons. It seems H and his lawyer took my "The amount you offered was insufficient. Feel free to make another offer" as a reason to take this to court.

In the paperwork, they included the amount I contributed. None of the offers he sent to me (one where I got nothing, one where I got a few thousand that I could count on one hand) reached the amount I contributed.

I'm in shock and am feeling sick while I wait for my lawyer to call me.

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UGH. Just UGH! This makes my blood boil.

Don't you dare let shock paralyze you. Let it kick your behind into a fight.

Like 25 just reiterated to me a few minutes ago, this WILL be the most important document you ever sign. Go to court if that's what it takes.

It's just not fair. (((((cadence))))))


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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cadence Offline OP
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Thanks. It also looks really bad because they included that I moved out and stopped paying.

Which, yeah. I had to. It was him and his kids vs me. He was constantly spewing and making it known I didn't belong. Even my food in the refrigerator was put on one shelf, effectively quarantining them from me.

I'd told him I'd have to go if it continued, and I couldn't pay for two places. He kept it up.

I just feel like I've been forced into a villain role I never wanted, just because I've been enforcing boundaries and sticking up for what treatment I'll accept.

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cadence Offline OP
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My mood has really plummeted. I feel scared and also incredulous.

There had been long silences in negotiations, and, silly me, I'd started to hope that he was maybe having second thoughts. I knew all along, I shouldn't. But I did. I started thinking that maybe he missed me, and was torn about what to do. And maybe I'd hear from him. I know I did that to myself, and it's hard to admit it, but I definitely did it.

But it's still the same old "I need to be away from you so badly that I'll financially handicap myself to do so, and blame you for all of it."

Sigh. I could really use a boost if anyone's out there. I'm sitting around crying, but what I'm most concerned about is that I'm questioning myself and feeling guilty. And also feeling angry that making me fearful and confused is probably the reaction he wanted, and it's working.

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Hi Cadence,

We all have hope, that's why we're here, isn't it?

Not that I want to hold you back, but just because he is doing that doesn't mean he isn't having those feelings somewhere in his messed up mind.

And remember, feelings change. The way he felt a year ago isn't how he feels today, and may not be how he feels tomorrow.

That is why it is so important to make plans for your life without him this way you're a step ahead if he doesn't return.

When you're upset try to think about who he IS right now, you don't want him this way. Remember we were both in this place in 2014. Something has to give, or you'll be here again in 2020...

I believe when they're wayward they push and push and have to act irrationally and get out as quick as possible because they think that's going to be a magic pill and fix everything... I try to remember all the things my dad says to me, even though I hate to admit it, he's normally pretty right. He says when they live this high life and think they're on top of the world they have a much harder and longer fall coming to them.

Just remember this feeling won't last forever, but you already know that. YOu give such great advice to everyone else, I know you KNOW all these things, it's just harder to realize, absorb, and really take in when it's your own sitch.

You've got this!!


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What is the cause of action on which he filed and what remedy is he seeking? Is it breach of contract and he is seeking money damages or is it something else?

Do not beat yourself up about hope. We all do this. We don't hear anything and we think they miss us. No, they are scared little children who are not honest about anything and can't behave like civil adults.

If it is breach of contract you have some defenses. He made your performance next to impossible. You could argue that he breached first, that he created a hostile environment for you, that you had to cover by seeking shelter elsewhere. He is the one who upset the apple cart. Not you. You are nobody's victim. You are one of the strongest people on these boards. Do not cower in fear from the actions of a chicken. In a worst case scenario you could defend yourself and explain the hostile environment and why you had to leave.

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cadence Offline OP
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Thanks, T and OwnIt. I feel unflatteringly needy right now and the support means a great deal.

OwnIt, it is seeking a judge to order the sale of the property and to rule on how to divide proceeds.

We own it 50/50 per the deed. He made the downpayment; I made the monthly payments. Because his breakdown came ~5 months into owning it, he contributed much more than me, though it would have evened out had he not needed to end everything, immediately, out of nowhere.

He has been sending paltry offers (one where I got nothing, one where I got a diminishing percentage based on how long it took to sell, and one where they were giving me a whole 5k.) He and his attorney then seemed to be waiting for me to write up offers, which rubbed me the wrong way in the circumstances. I wasn't going to stand in his way, but I wasn't going to pay to solve the issue he created and sell a house I never wanted to sell.

In the summons, it lists the amount I paid into the home. None of his offers came close, so I'm hoping we can make something of that. Unreasonable offers and then escalating it to court? I will definitely ask for my attorney's fees covered.

Unfortunately I got the notice of the summons around 4:45pm here, and by the time I'd called my lawyer, he was gone for the day. I haven't been able to speak with him about what is admissible, but I do have various things on the hostile environment/emotional distress front.

Like T's H, he is doing all of this to me when I am working full-time and in full-time graduate school earning a terminal degree. And I'm struggling with motivation right when I get to the part where I have to be self-motivated to finish.

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You are one of the strongest people on these boards. Do not cower in fear from the actions of a chicken.


Thank you. I am having one of those days when I don't feel that way.

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You can do this Cadence. You weren't even challenging the sale of the home so is it worth hiring two sets of lawyers to argue over a little equity in a recently purchased home? I think not. I hope your lawyer is the reasonable sort. Seems like this should resolve relatively quickly. There just isn't enough at stake to battle over it in all likelihood.

You'll feel better when you speak to the lawyer and know your options. Try not to stress and borrow trouble.

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cadence Offline OP
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You weren't even challenging the sale of the home so is it worth hiring two sets of lawyers to argue over a little equity in a recently purchased home?


Exactly. I have not stood in his way, but apparently my communication that invited them to make another offer was viewed that way. Just another thing to add to the list of the ways Cadence is oppressing him, I guess.

I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than "a little bit of equity".

His downpayment is at stake and so he contributed more than I did. He took no steps to define how the proceeds of a sale would be split. There is no written nor verbal contract.

He breached our verbal contract that we'd be together and living there for 5-7 years, while I made payments. Our contributions would not have been unequal had he not breached the contract. Though I was not thrilled with him, I saw purchasing the home as a commitment; he didn't. He did not want to try to resolve anything, he just wanted to get away from me and punish me for how he was feeling.

His decision to sell is also taking away rental income from me and made me homeless. My property taxes on the condo I own (but cannot live in) have gone up, as I am not able to claim tax relief for the property. I had to claim it on the house I am not living in. I will be paying this increased rate until next August, at the earliest.

I really can't tell you the WTFness of a man who created a crisis out of thin air, screaming at me about how he needs his "down payment back" less than a year after purchasing a home together with 50/50 ownership. He has thought there was an "undo" button of some sort.

Before I moved out, he tried tricking me by saying things like "You know, it would be a lot easier for you if you wanted to sign the deed over to me. That way you could move and not have to worry about the sale." I told him over my dead body would I sign over the deed but remain on the mortgage. He does not see me as a rightful co-owner. He sees himself as the owner and me as an obstacle.

He's then submitted nothing but laughable offers. (Absolutely nothing, a percentage that diminished the longer the house remained on the market (and his increased), and $5,000 which is less than my contribution.) Just more evidence that I'm nothing and his emotionally abusive ex-wife is his real partner. They were able to D using mediators, but that was probably because he's always wanted to keep her happy with him. Despite all her ridiculous clingy harassments, he'd never let himself be angry with her.

It all came out on me and completely ripped the rug out from under me. These were all his decisions.

Now the summons also states how much I contributed, but they are asking the court to ensure all of his money goes back to him, and if there is anything left over, he and I will split it. He has no concern for the equity I paid into the home. It is also implied that he wants the judge to have me pay his attorney's fees and the costs of selling the home.

So it's a bit more complex. I've always been open to resolving it outside of court (but with my L, because H is not rational and remains angry and punishing in his attitude), but he's not given me anything to work with other than trying to ensure he is made whole, and I am not, even though this was all his doing. If he were rational and understood that the whole "I bought this house for you and you failed to keep me happy 24/7, so I am taking it all back" isn't based on real life, then we could work it out.

I don't know. It will be interesting to see what my attorney says we can submit. It may get ugly as I do have some evidence about the hostile environment he created. I also may be able to get a statement from our MC, who witnessed his anger and total refusal to work on the R, and was also witness to my decision that I'd move out and I'd have to stop contributing. H was well aware of that and did not object.

I really wish I didn't get this bomb dropped on me at 4:50pm yesterday, so I didn't get to speak with my attorney. I'm circling around and around, worried that the flat facts of the case make it look like I left and was after his money, and wondering how much of the actual story will be admissible.

I do not recognize this man. I'm an intuitive person, and he would not have been able to hide this anger and rage from me for years. He takes emotional abuse from his mother, ex-wife, and his kids (who unknowingly imitate their mother to push back when he asks them to do something) and doesn't get angry or hold them responsible. But me, who treated him the best, and wanted him to want to improve his life with the crazies, got a crazy in return. Prior to that he was kind, loving, and affectionate.

The anger and hatred were really something else, and I'm dismayed to see it's likely still there, with his lingering belief that he can just take it all back and, if he can't, it's because I'm standing in his way. He most likely thinks I am preventing the sale and I'm doing it because I want to R, so he's still got an eye toward preventing me from controlling him in that way (I'm not) and punishing me accordingly.

Sorry for the long vent. I woke up with puffy eyes, but have shifted toward more angry than sad.

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