I don’t know that I agree that he is trying to get me to pursue. He could care less about what I’m doing or even talking to me.
T, I don't think you're understanding what is meant by pursuit. This isn't romantic pursuit. It's more that he wants to trigger you into being angry and telling him he's an %$#%%$ and yada yada yada.
It lessens his guilt if he can get emotional reactions from you. They don't have to be positive emotional reactions; he wants negative ones.
Whether you think he cares what you do or don't do doesn't matter. You've had a major pursuer/distancer dynamic since BD, and it allowed him to confirm his ideas about you and to distance himself further. He would be very uncomfortable with a you that was calm centered and didn't give him anything to work with.
I agree with Cadence. And also want to comment on something from your earlier post- about whether you should even answer his texts about when he's coming home, etc. Although I understand you logic behind saying, I've got it under control, no need to come by, etc., I think if I were you I'd ignore every single text and not answer unless the house was on fire. HOWEVER, I'd have a little spiral notebook in my pocket at all times, and record every time he does it, what time of night it is, kids already asleep, he came in, said nothing to anyone, showered, got on couch. Say nothing to him. Nothing. You're not DBing to save the marriage any more. You're a Mama Tiger who is protecting her future and that of her babies. Document, document, document, but without any interaction with him. Don't give him that space in your life or your head.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Oh okay, I didn't think to look at it that way I thought pursuit and distance was meant in a relationship way if that makes sense... like him coming closer to ask about me, wandering what I'm doing, etc that kind of pursuit.
I do not respond to texts unless they ask a question. Like if he asks if we need anything, I reply no thanks or we're good. Last night he text that he was coming to the house at 8pm, I didn't respond because it didn't necessitate one. The text I sent later on about not to come was because it was so late.
So should I not respond even when he asks if I need anything? I could see that causing more animosity. But if you guys think that's what's best I'll do it. That's the only communication we have is if I respond to that. Other then that we do not talk at all. He doesn't say hello or goodnight,etc. and I had been saying hello or goodnight to him if he didn't say it to me but I've stopped.
I don't see anyone telling you not to respond so I'm not sure where you're getting that.
What would a strong unflappable woman who was unconcerned do? She'd probably respond if she saw he'd texted her. Maybe not right away - whenever she happened to see it.
She would not, however, be contacting him because of the time. She'd be so wrapped up in going about her business, she wouldn't notice if he wasn't there.
Sorry I was responding to Leah when she said ignore every text unless the house was on fire
I will do just that then. I'll respond to what requires a response that is emotionless and to the point in as few words as possible and if it doesn't require a response I won't send one.
I am a bit confused by all the advice on here. In regards to filing first, and throwing him off guard, getting the upper hand, using texts in court, etc. I can't imagine that any of this benefits you. First of all, I don't think you should make any major decisions based on how you think he will react (that is the opposite of DB). I think you should really think about everything you need and want in a D, then get some solid advice on the easiest and less expensive way to achieve that outcome. The goal isn't to send a message to him or snap him out of it, the goal is to get you a good custody arrangement and fair financial support.
Here is the thing though, family court services have little time for he said/she said. Him texting you to "prove he's trying" is a moot point. Can you imagine if the court entertained the 100 billion text messages between people going through divorce? Perhaps if you had some solid emails proposing a schedule for the kids that he continually ignored or didn't follow through on, that could come up? And even then, if it's in mediation, it often becomes less important than what you will agree to moving forward.
I know I sound like a broken record, but I think you should go as dark as possible and only email in a very concise and formal way. why even speak to him or text him at all right now? That gets you no where. As soon as he pouts, put your hand up and tell him to respond to your email. I like the way Ownit put it. In that email you can let him know that you would like to move forward and have a predicable and stable schedule for the boys. You make it crystal clear that he is not to spend the night, that he is not to come after a certain time, and that he should only come on these nights. This is what is best for the kids and this is what you need! I could give 2 chits what he thinks about this or how he responds (whhaaa waaaahhh whaa)!
This is also helps you feel as if you are getting some power back here. There is no reason his dumb arse should be coming by late at night and sleeping on the couch. Okay maybe you don't have a legal right to kick him out, but why should that stop you from trying? If it were me (and I did have times this came up), I would walk right over to him, look him square in the eye, and tell him that this isn't working, please leave, and stick to the schedule or email a response with revisions. I drew very firm lines and stuck to them; I did not let him eat one slice of cake once I realized what I had to do.
So would this upset him enough that he would make a change? Good. Because THIS isn't working. Would it upset him enough that he would pull finances ... honestly, if that is the kind of jack hole that he is, then I am sorry, but he will do it at some point anyhow. You cannot walk on egg shells for this guy anymore. You and the boys deserve a safe and quiet space and to know when he will come and go, and that time should only be when the kids are awake, and then he leaves!!!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
TBH I am scared to send something in writing asking him not to come to our house except XYZ, I don't want it to hurt me from a legal stand point which is why I really need to get an attorney I trust and get some good legal advice on if it would hurt me to make him leave... He left June 14th and was gone for a week, his things are still gone as if he doesn't live here, yet he sleeps here 6/7 nights a week now. Again, if none of this matters to the courts, then great. I will do just that, but I don't want it to be turned around to hurt me in the long run for custody purposes that *I* kicked him out
He got here at 630p, went and said hi to the boys and didn't say a word to me, neither did I. He showered and ate dinner. S6 and I were watching a movie in my room with the baby while I'm working on homework and he comes in and sits down on the bed with us to say hi to the baby and ask S6 about the movie were watching... I completely ignored him, acted as if he wasn't even sitting there. Then he takes the baby out to the living room and is all happy and talkative. My dad said it's his guilty conscience from coming home after 10-11pm the last 3 nights.
I just want him out of the house, I wish I could just erase him from my life and not have to deal with seeing him being so fake.
I'm sure I'm coming off as royal you know what not even looking at him or acknowledging him especially in front of the kids but I really don't have it in me. Maybe in a couple days I'll be able to be fake nice but not right now.
And yes I am beyond confused on what I should do, I am not doing anything to snap him out of it or get a reaction. I don't want to spend the little money I do have to get a 'reaction' it is going to be spent because it's what's best for the boys and I. We already wasted 10K last BD both for retainers for L so I am not going to waste money again, if I'm going to do it it's going to be to get something done.
So email, no email, file, don't file, I have no clue. Like I said I am apprehensive to send an email telling him not to come here. I don't mind sending an email about a proposed schedule but a large part of me says screw him, don't trust him, don't waste my time trying to play nice with him. That I cannot TRUST anything he's doing so why trust trying to figure out custody. Plus to be honest I don't think I have it in me to sit and have a conversation with him without blowing up with the way I feel right now. Again, I'm sure this will change but it's just how I feel in this moment. He thinks he has life knocked, that he holds all the cards, he comes and goes as he pleases, is a dad when it's good for him, is out with whomever when it's good for him, gets his family time when he wants, it has to stop. I even told him Sunday when we talked and when I said I didn't want him staying here anymore that he made me uncomfortable in my own home, that I don't want to be around him anymore than I have to.
Filing for custody and support absolutely benefits T, Blu. No one is encouraging her to file for D, however. They're apparently separate issues in Fla. Getting child support takes 3-4 months after a person files for support there, if I'm understanding T correctly. Is that right, T?
H isn't predictable. He's a liar. The *most important people* in this entire equation are those boys. And T has history and experience: H has pulled funding before, and she knows he will do it again - potentially just out of spite.
I believe it is very reasonable advice to say T should file for support/custody asap.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
