Whether it's solo activities, or group activities, it's for YOU.
Someone I've known for years gave me some great advice. He's been divorced for several years now. He said at first when you separate, you don't really know where you fit. You know who you are as a couple, but it's been so long or so much time has passed since your relationship with your spouse began that you might not remember who you were and what you liked to do as a single person.
My experience is that he was absolutely right about that.
He went on to say that it's awkward at first to try to remember the things you used to like to do before you became a couple, but to persevere. He said that we LBS then go through a phase of trying new things to see what feels right and what doesn't. He took up kayaking. He said it really brought him peace of mind. I can see where it would.
It's very important to try to remember what you used to do way back in the day. Try those things again- see if they resonate. Try something you've always been curious about but never did for whatever reason.
I spent the day Sunday volunteering at a place I've wanted to help out at for years, but never had the time and was too afraid to do it. My attitude was that any time I had went to exh and son first.
I will tell you this: My boy was picked up on Sunday morning by exh at 10am. I left at 8am to go volunteer for the day. At the end of the day I was bone tired, but happy. I'd spent the day giving back. I was with a group of people I had never met. My natural reticence held me back at first, but after a couple of people cheerfully introduced themselves, I took a deep breath and started doing the same until I'd met everyone in the area I was volunteering in. It was really hard for me to push myself to do this, but I'm so very glad I did. I will tell you that I gave my time, but what I got in return was some much needed peace. In fact, the director is happy to welcome me back every other Sunday, so on the days son goes with Exh, I will be leaving to do my volunteer work. I won't have to deal with the awkwardness of wondering if exh will choose to speak to me that day or nor, nor will I have the pain of seeing exh in his car driving away with our son, reinforcing my abandonment. I will have somewhere to be and something constructive and selfless to do which will selfishly give me peace. I wish the same for you.
The first step doesn't have to be a big, planned out event, Kyh. It could be as simple as asking a friend if they want to grab dinner or a movie.
It will help, I promise, especially when the kids are with your W.
Good luck and keep posting xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree with Bttrfly. Volunteering is the key to feeling good about yourself and staying busy at the right times. I've been delivering Meals on Wheels for 5 years as of yesterday and love it. Nothing's more rewarding than giving back.
There's ALWAYS something in every community that needs volunteers. There's ministries, soup kitchens, Meals on Wheels, Boys and Girls Club,etc. You can go to a class to get educated on the Boys and Girls Club to get you comfortable with the more challenging kids.
Another thing is something called "Meet Ups". You can find on them internet that have different groups that do and discuss common interest. They have some for folks going through what you are now but have many other groups, too. There's Meet Up groups for sailing, bowling, running, foodies, meditation, etc. You name it..
Is there an LL Bean store near you? Go to your local store website and check out the events page. They have a ton of either free activities or activities which aren't too expensive.
We absolutely volunteer for ourselves, even if we don't realize it at the time. As Nee said, it feels good to give back and also to stay better.
Good luck .Report on your progress, lol. Yep, I might nag ya about this. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you bttrfly!! I'm doing alright, I've been meaning to update/respond but will have to get back to it as I can barely stay awake right now. Thanks again for the Father's Day wishes, I really appreciate it.
Thank you 25, Bttrfly, and Nee. I need to keep working on getting out and enjoying myself and not thinking about W. I guess I should say exW now but will keep saying w for now. I got an email right after the post before my last that my papers had gone through the court.
It's been awhile since I've made time to post. I got sick again right after the post before my last and lost my voice for 9-10 days(actually made me think less of D finalizing, lol) and I've been having to go out of town a lot for work so I've been exhausted. I haven't had a chance for doing much since this is the first week I've been home and healthy in the last few weeks but I did hang out with coworkers after work the last couple weeks while out of town which was kind of nice. I did sign up for a few meetup groups but haven't done anything yet. I know it doesn't mean much until I do something but it is the first step and I would never had signed up for something like that before all this.
W has been all over the place over the last few weeks which is a reminder to focus on myself. IDK if I should even write about it but here it goes because I'm just journaling now. The week after D finalized she was staying at my house w/the kids, she was texting and trying to find a reason to get angry. I let it roll off and when I didn't respond she got nice again, even commenting liking the color I painted the main bathroom. It was short-lived, when I got back my parents had got the kids a big above ground pool and my dad stopped by to help set it up while I had the kids. W stopped over unannounced and walked to the back yard and turned around and went back in, IDK if she said anything when we said hi but things were awkward with her and my dad after. He left without going back through the house (I could tell he was bothered) and W monstered on me about it. I was still not feeling good and let it go without saying much and she stormed out and then went to another concert with MLC friend the next day. A couple days later when I left town again she started texting about it. I didn't respond so then she called and monstered again saying she's tired of people treating her like ____. I told her what happened and that it was weird that he left through the side but that the D affected a lot more than just us two and he was upset, she kept it up but I told her I didn't have any more to say than what I already had. I don't need that lol. She got nice a few days later. Then while I was out of town still she started rapid texting me about the baby sitter treating her like ___ and she was tired of it, blah blah. I told her she was really quiet and shy and not to take it personal. She texted the next day saying she was nice and talked more texting and she was nice. Then the next day it started again, telling me the babysitter made her late. I told her just to talk to her about it then she started in about not asking for my advice and she's not stupid and she was just going to take the kids to work with her (yep they'll love that). I think she's strained monetarily so in MLC style she went this route. I ignored her texts then all the sudden I get a lol, you know me getting fired up about things etc. and everything was cool and the babysitter is fine now.
Father's day went well, w stopped over with the kids that morning and was dressed really nice. She took them to paint ceramics for me which was really nice and also got me a couple shirts. I thanked her and she said "you deserve it" and gave me a hug, the same exact thing I told her on Mother's Day. She asked what we were doing and said I'm sure you're going hiking or something but I didn't invite her. I did offer her breakfast which I had made the kids but she left without. The kids wanted to go fishing so that's what we did. It was a nice day, hard but nice.
W has been nice still, strangely last week when I was out of town again she kept texting one night, even after midnight wanting me to watch the same show she was watching and laughing at. I was nice and responded but wasn't overly anxious respond, she did wake me up. She's also been telling me she is not sleeping well and about the nightmares she's been having and wow they are messed up. She also texted me pics of her hand this weekend, she went out of town again to a friends and got hurt. I simply said I hope you're okay and then she sent more but I didn't respond.
Still journaling if you're still reading. I got a call from one of our credit unions at work, W has missed the last four car payments, it sounds like they were ready to repo her car but had her old address from before she moved back here. I thought it was paid off. I decided to call her and let her know which actually went okay. Before I would have felt bad and paid it to catch up but she can take care of it. She kept apologizing and said she would take care of it. I checked up today and she did and there are only two payments left so hopefully it's no longer an issue.
Trying to keep the focus on myself and kids but it is a little difficult with so much contact (the kids come here with babysitter during the day). W also tells me about her work, vents, etc. while here. I try to listen and can see how out of it she is, texting to ask where my car keys are - on the key holder on the side of the fridge like they've been for the last 15 years (she really doesn't know), coming home to a trashed house w/sliding door open and furnace running, kids drinking out of wine glasses because the dishwasher hasn't ran, etc. It's so insane.
One more thing, D has one of my old phones and pretends to call W all the time (it makes me sad and angry). She also makes comments to me about maybe her mom could come over, etc. W never called Saturday night like she said she would and Sunday when she called and I told the kids she was calling and D told me no thanks I already talked to her tonight referring to an imaginary conversation. This is so sad IDK what to do, should I say something to W or just keep an eye on this and keep being there for D? I ask them frequently how they are, if anything is bothering them, if they need to talk, etc.
Hi Kyh 'm glad you're taking steps to do more GAL activities. It takes a while, I know. You're so patient with your MLCr. On the one hand, that's wonderful as compassion is always a good thing. On the other, I wonder how she will ever miss you if you're still picking up the pieces and acting like her husband.
The rub is the kids - they need you and she knows that. And you will be in each other's lives a lot until the kids are older. I defer to someone with more experience to weigh in because I do feel like there has to be a balance where her insanity isn't in your space.
Job? Ellie? Any thoughts?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks for stopping by Bttrfly. I know what you mean about xw not missing me if she's around. I also wonder how to reconnect if you don't see one another. IDK maybe seeing each other every other week works both ways. I really don't know what I'm doing. Once the kids go back to school it will be minimal. I'm doing okay not letting her insanity affect me too much (well maybe not after rereading this because I'm wrk into about her lol) and actually calming her down through my actions, although I did have a few days of spinning a couple weeks ago. She's always been a bull in a china shop but it's different since MLC, she gets fired up so easily and maybe there is a little paranoia mixed in there (e.g. FedEx guy didn't steal your bed - calm down, driving crazy flipping people the bird). Other times she seems fine. I guess it's the depression and stress.
Just updating and journaling again. IDK why but when I asked about the kids schedule for the 4th she said they could just go with me (it was her turn this year). She said she was just going to go to old town w/her dog and hang out (she tells me where/what she is doing a lot now - doesn't matter because IDK if I can believe it). I left town and when I came back w/the kids she said she stayed at my house w/her dog and didn't do anything. She slept on the couch even though there were four beds. It's weird she told me I could take the kids on her turn. I didn't ask anything about her time and the kids and I had a great 4th. It was hard though.
I'm wondering if there is some bipolar pd coming into play. She was all giddy talking 100 mph just before the 4th. Then last week when she came to pick up the kids I had to talk to her about financial stuff w/the car and she stood in the kitchen and cried. I believe it was real because she was trying to hold it in and hide it. I calmly told her "I'm not mad at you but I'm not happy about the situation" which made it worse. She was trying really hard not to cry for quite awhile. A couple days later and she seemed normal, not acting giddy or depressed and making eye contact (they don't look so vacant like before). Last week she would eat leftovers if I had already ate with the kids or ate with us, always complimenting what I made. She had a big event at her work this weekend and asked if she could use the grill because their budget didn't allow a new one (there are six people at her office). I was surprised by this but said that was fine, and really I don't care. She came and got it that morning and said she would really like it if I stopped by with the kids. I didn't really want to but the kids were excited so we went. Her boss came and visited w/me, saying how much she hears about me (in a good way). I know she stuck her head in a few days ago to just to see me when I picked up the kids from W over my lunch too. I thought this was a little different, I wonder what xw talks about because I know I was enemy #1 to her and her old boss at her last job. Anyway, I was myself, the h she was a fool to leave.
Monday I had to leave and go pick up S (D at friends) at her office bc the babysitter was late. She was fired up again, I had to tell her our babysitter was a teenager and these things will happen, it's not a big deal and I will come get S and she calmed down. During our ride S told me "mom gave us pizza left from work last night and mine looked just like D's and moms but she said it was gluten-free." He kept telling me about it. Well I know it wasn't, they didn't have gluten-free pizza when we were there. I could tell something was off w/S, he was clumsy and just a little off. I can't believe her.... Instead of bringing it up I texted and asked if he got gluten. She said no and when I told her he was acting a little off she replied "I was clumsy too at that age." She called that evening to ask about him. I didn't mention anything S told me. She told me he had pizza but she bought him a GF one. In the car I had asked S if they went and got one or had one delivered and he told me no so I think she is lying. I didn't say anymore about it hoping she sees what she did. She could have actually got him one and he just had an off day (it happens) but I doubt it.
I mentioned it before but diet is how we treat S's asd. Before starting this diet he was non-verbal and would drag his head around on the carpet, beat his face on the wall/floor, and scream so loud it would make our glass lamps ring. Three days after starting the diet he started talking and his glazed eyes disappeared. He is to the point now where he is in normal classes at school (was way ahead before MLC but now only slightly) and no one knows/can tell unless they are familiar w/asd. So that was very aggravating but I think I handled it well.
I mentioned her not making car payments before. Well I keep getting calls. She was supposed to be making the payments (should be paid off) and also paying for half of the kids medical per the decree which she is not. I'm also still paying her insurance. I haven't asked her for anything w/med bills because I know she is struggling, I know she quit making payments to the guardian attorney after the decision went my way because I get statements and I think the attorney finally sent it to collections. I also get her mail that looks like collections stuff. I'm thinking of just paying the car off and being done with this because it is in my name, IDK what to do. W told me she was going to but I will believe it when I see it. I thought about contacting my attorney but a few hours between lawyers and I'd be money ahead to pay it off and done w/this. I also got another toll bill in the mail from W. I know if I give it to her she won't pay it and I will just end up paying more (this is the 3rd or 4th plus a parking ticket). This is frustrating, her plates are expired and still in my name so I get these. She says she doesn't have money, which is true, but she leaves town all the time and also goes to concerts w/MLC friend who I think pays for a lot of w's stuff so xw can hang out w/her.
I've been keeping busy, playing disc golf almost daily and getting the kids into it too. Still trying to do better w/GAL but keeping busy. I am taking the kids ice skating w/a single parents meetup group tonight, taking them to an air show next week, and I took a week off in August. Not sure what we are going to do yet.
Hi Kyh, Thanks for the update. I have a few thoughts, although I'm super tired and will probably write more tomorrow.
Starting with the positives: I'm impressed that you are going to that single parent ice skating event. Great job!!! Progress - it's all good! Let us know how it goes.
Also, I'm very impressed with the changes in Son simply with diet. I've heard of that but you're the first person I know who has stated such dynamic changes. I will tell my ex-bil as my nephew is on the spectrum and barely verbal.
I think it's interesting that she talks you up to her colleagues. I'd say that's a positive sign. Not sure of what, exactly, but it's certainly not negative.
She seems depressed. You are endlessly patient and kind to her.
I'm not sure what others will think but if your name is on anything, I'd take care of it from a financial perspective, keep a tally and tell her she can pay it off a little at a time. Maybe ask her if it's ok with her if you do that first? Explain that you're concerned about your credit and also want to help her and that seems like a win-win for both of you?
Re: the non-gf pizza and the lies - that's not good. Really not good. Document it. Get a notebook, write down the date, time and what son said, what she said, etc.
You will hopefully never ever have to use it but if you don't write it down, you will later maybe wish you did if God forbid this becomes a pattern.
will try to write more tomorrow. xoxoxo {{{{{kyh}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yep, I might nag ya about this. xoxoxoxo
You are endlessly patient and kind to her.