I wan't to be happy and cheerful but man is this tough to do around her. I think my problem is that I am still trying to "lure" her back to me instead of doing this for me, hopefully this may become easier once we tell the kids in a couple days.
Just keep it up. We ALL start doing 180's to try and get our spouse back. But eventually you'll be doing them for you, and then beyond that they just become part of the new you and they're not 180's anymore.
Originally Posted By: dusty70
As far as cross fit goes, its kind of pricey but the way WW is spending money I guess it's time for me to do the same as long as it's to better myself how could anyone including her question it!
It's not cheap, but for the price you go as often as you want and you get a lot of hands-on attention from the coaches. It's kind of like having a personal trainer, they are there to show you what to do and to help you tweak your form. As you get better and better they adjust to giving you more advanced tips. I've worked out on and off my whole life, but man I had no idea that a lot of what I was doing was with very poor form and had been the entire time. 30+ years of bad habits! It's a miracle I didn't have more injuries. Anyway, my joint mobility has improved substantially as has my cardio. Give it a try, if after a couple of months you feel the value isn't there you can always go back to a traditional gym.
WW/WAS(whatever she is at this point) and I actually had our first, yes first argument ever in our 25 years together!! Might be part of the problem as to our sitch right now, communicating our feelings, we both held everything in and let it boil! It started with her asking if it was OK to talk to the kids this week in which I agreed because I can't keep lying to them that everything is fine with mom and dad. I asked her again if the kids ask if she cheated what will she say?? She responded that she won't tell them that in which I said to stop lying to people especially our children as they will find out at some point. She wanted to know what we will tell them and I said that I am not and will not be on the same page as her regarding this! This is all her doing, I will always be there for my kids and that's all they need from me! She has to answer to her wayward ways at some point, I will not back her up and facilitate the destruction of our beautiful family, that's on her!! So... we'll talk to them in two days, PLEASE pray for my kids!!! Then she wanted to know if I have looked into where I was going to live because we will need to sell our home, I responded calmly to her "you don't need to know where I will live" that set her off, I let her rip into me as I just listened, refreshed that she actually showed some emotion as this behavior wasn't really allowed in her upbringing, her family was all rainbows and unicorns and not real world. As she rapped up her soapbox rant about how she now wants to live HER life(no mention of kids in there BTW) I then had my turn, I told her that all talk of the kids, the house, and money has to be discussed with me before she does anything as she reached out to a mutual friend who is a real estate agent, WW told her that we are getting divorced and wanted to have her list our house. This of pissed me off as she went behind my back to do this, she lied to me yet again that she didn't tell any of our friends about our sitch. I told her that I will no longer be her doormat as I did nothing in my life to her to be treated that way! She then said that she wanted to try and be friends after this for our kids as I responded that it is real tough for me to be friendly and civil while she is involved with another person. I said to her that she should just go and be with him if that's what she wanted that the kids and I don't want her around anymore, that we will be just fine without her, BOOM!! shoulders dropped, tears flowing!! Guess that hit a nerve as she left the house for an hour(I'm sure to go talk to Mr. Wonderful) argument over. The next day even though we didn't see each other much it was actually a bit more refreshing around, I looked at her in a different light for some reason and she seemed different towards me, maybe I showed some strength that I haven't shown in a long time. The next couple of days will be hard as we have a friend of court appointment and then talk to the kids and then having to deal with all of that. Baby steps!! I think the argument may have been a good thing??
Dusty, good luck with things. I know we're on parallel trains at this point, so I can't give you much advice on what the future may bring.
I think you handled things with W fairly well. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and said you will not lie to the kids. Good for you!
If I were you, I wouldn't get my hopes up too much about the argument being some kind of turning point. But as they say, it ain't over till it's over.
Holding, hopefully our parallel trains don't go off the bridge! I'm not getting my hopes up regarding the argument but some small things happened the day's after that were positive, baby steps!! As for the kids talk that will happen tomorrow I am getting prepared for whatever comes at me, like I've said I will not side with her for the protection of our children, she can continue to live her lying life as it currently is right now, she has zero consequence for what she is doing including her mom and sister. They have no idea what she is really doing. Hopefully that rears it's very ugly head tomorrow, if not, it will come out, my kids are smart and they will figure it out. We have had divorce around us both family and friends and everyone of them was because of infidelity, so that is what they equate with divorce! Thank god I have a clean conscious!
Well, today is the day that I have dreaded since this started. We had to see the friend of court regarding finances and custody and we agreed to talk to the kids tonight. Even though I am stressing big time I am now ready to talk to them, ready to answer any questions they throw at me because I have a clear conscious for who I am as a man,a dad, and the husband that my WW is losing because of her actions. I will no longer lie for her to protect my children, I know that I did not give up, she did for reasons I will never know but honestly don't care anymore. After we talk to them it will be easier to detach from her and move forward with who I want to be, if she sees it and wants back in then we can have that discussion, as every day passes she becomes more of a person I don't need in my life let alone a person I want in my kids life. I hate to say it but with what she has done she offers nothing positive to how I want my kids to be raised.
WW/WAS(whatever she is at this point) and I actually had our first, yes first argument ever in our 25 years together!! Might be part of the problem as to our sitch right now, communicating our feelings, we both held everything in and let it boil! It started with her asking if it was OK to talk to the kids this week in which I agreed because I can't keep lying to them that everything is fine with mom and dad. I asked her again if the kids ask if she cheated what will she say?? She responded that she won't tell them that in which I said to stop lying to people especially our children as they will find out at some point. She wanted to know what we will tell them and I said that I am not and will not be on the same page as her regarding this! This is all her doing, I will always be there for my kids and that's all they need from me! She has to answer to her wayward ways at some point, I will not back her up and facilitate the destruction of our beautiful family, that's on her!! So... we'll talk to them in two days, PLEASE pray for my kids!!! Then she wanted to know if I have looked into where I was going to live because we will need to sell our home, I responded calmly to her "you don't need to know where I will live" that set her off, I let her rip into me as I just listened, refreshed that she actually showed some emotion as this behavior wasn't really allowed in her upbringing, her family was all rainbows and unicorns and not real world. As she rapped up her soapbox rant about how she now wants to live HER life(no mention of kids in there BTW) I then had my turn, I told her that all talk of the kids, the house, and money has to be discussed with me before she does anything as she reached out to a mutual friend who is a real estate agent, WW told her that we are getting divorced and wanted to have her list our house. This of pissed me off as she went behind my back to do this, she lied to me yet again that she didn't tell any of our friends about our sitch. I told her that I will no longer be her doormat as I did nothing in my life to her to be treated that way! She then said that she wanted to try and be friends after this for our kids as I responded that it is real tough for me to be friendly and civil while she is involved with another person. I said to her that she should just go and be with him if that's what she wanted that the kids and I don't want her around anymore, that we will be just fine without her, BOOM!! shoulders dropped, tears flowing!! Guess that hit a nerve as she left the house for an hour(I'm sure to go talk to Mr. Wonderful) argument over. The next day even though we didn't see each other much it was actually a bit more refreshing around, I looked at her in a different light for some reason and she seemed different towards me, maybe I showed some strength that I haven't shown in a long time. The next couple of days will be hard as we have a friend of court appointment and then talk to the kids and then having to deal with all of that. Baby steps!! I think the argument may have been a good thing??
If you had shown this much confidence, strength, and self-respect all along, she'd probably be begging you to take her back by now. I so with people would get this. My cheating wife did the same thing when I said I didn't want her in any of our lives anymore (mine, kids) and that we were going to be just fine without her. That works but you also have to be doing things so they can see that it's true.
KEEP DOING THIS. Take no crap. Become the absolute best version of yourself you can be. Be strong, confident, and RESPECT yourself. Don't tolerate disrespect from anyone. Don't be angry, moody, sulky, or passive aggressive.
You got mad and stood strong and it blew her away. Women respond to strong men. Be a leader and she'll follow. Especially when her alternative is some douche bag that cavorts with married women. You can do this. STAY THE COURSE!
Good luck. Keep working on yourself and your relationship with the kids. No point in lamenting anything else. The future can be bright if you insist on it.
Wow Dusty, I'm impressed! That was a great show of being firm with her without getting all emotional, nicely done! One of the mistakes almost all of us make is giving the WAW all the control after BD, that just makes us look even more pathetic and less attractive to them than we already appear. I bet her respect for you just went up a few notches.
Finally had the talk, As I expected the kids were devastated! WW said she couldn't lie to them anymore(except that she will continue to lie to everyone) So she just told them that your dad and I have been having some trouble lately and we decided to get divorced, I then corrected her in saying she decided to get divorced that I didn't want this, of course that pissed her off. My kids S17,S13 were emotional and ran to their rooms crying, my D11 went ballistic and ripped into my wife(mostly her) and me for doing this to them, that we better work this out and not get divorced! She then ran to her room as well. Wife showed ZERO emotion, like it was no big deal! She then went to go upstairs to talk to the kids some more and I asked her if she was happy what she was doing in which she responded "really, are you serious" as if it was all my fault. I finally got the kids to settle down a little, in talking with them they all asked me if one of us cheated? I told them that I would never do that and I didn't, not sure if they asked my wife that question but we all know how she would answer. I feel so terrible for my children and what this person(WW) has done to them, I don't get how this version of the person I loved unconditionally for 25 years has turned into a person I would never have been attracted to when we first met. What happened to her, she show's no compassion to anything that is attached to me, I don't get it! Time to really detach and GAL, it's the only way I can get through this for me and my kids!
