I know you are mad, but there is nothing new here. You know he is still with OW. I think too you know that until he feels firmly able to come back to you he probably will be.
I think its funny that he told you not to call late at night and that he is still planning to come tomorrow.
Will be interesting to see if he shows up.
Get rid of those expectations and let him make the contacts. I think you and skm are at a pretty similar point. Might help to look at her thread.
I know you are furious, but you've got to let it go. You said what you needed to say and now you need to step way, way back and allow him to digest everything. He's still not sure of what he wants and this is very normal for many of them to do such things. He's going to do what he needs to do and for now...that's straddling the fence.
What I think he's done is actually "a touch and go" to see if you are still there and are willing to take him back. When he discovered that you are healing up nicely and opened the door just a wee bit for him...he ran the other way because he thinks you are right where he left you when the MLC took over.
So, what do you do? Get back on the detachment train and continue to live your life. Treat him as a next door neighbor and do not continue to bring up the ow w/him. You can still leave the door ajar, but you'll need to do it w/no expectations for now.
I know this is tough, but you've got a good chance of him returning home...but he's got to let the ow go completely before that can happen. She's still a crutch to him and his MLC. Light that candle and place it in the window...like a moth, hopefully he will eventually open his eyes and want to gravitate towards it and realize that home is where he wants to be.
It's one step forward, two steps back. Hang in there and yes, dig deeper for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Westo, sorry to see that you feel let down by H.
I have a slightly amatur-ish view on this stich. You told him that he needed to let go of OW for you to start rebuilding and he said he knew that and that the relationship with OW hadn't developed into anything anyway. That was last week?
Do you think you need to give him some time to make that break away from her? She may not be aware that the relationship didn't mean the same to him as it possibly means to her. Maybe he had made plans to do things for her and her family and he didn't want to let her/them down? Maybe he wants to let her down gently before making the move to his Mum's.
IDK, I get the impression that he moves slowly but I actually feel he was sincere in that he wants to come back to the marriage.
Don't send him running back Westo because of your impatience. You have been patient for such a long time a little more won't hurt. I am very envious of you right now.... (((Westo)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I'm sorry to hear this Westo, and I agree that it is hard not to get your hopes up. But not having hopes is fundamental to your wellbeing and also helps you guys both take the journey to be taken.
So, he was keen to reconnect somewhat, but not ready to let go of OW. You know where things stand just now and can place appropriate boundaries.
Only thing I would say is to really really work on the detachment - because that makes the ebbs and flows much easier. Ie: you may choose to allow him a little room in your life, but not in a romantic kinda way. Equally, you accept that he may not be ready. And if he isn't you can gently withdraw without the big blow up.
I would say let him be and make plans for yourself. Big hugs to you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you all for your invaluable advice, I really appreciate every one of you.
He emailed me today saying that he didn't have time to call but would ring me from work at around 7pm.
He rang at 7.20.... He asked if I was ok and after a couple of minutes of small talk I explained to him why I went off on one the other night.
He said that I didn't really, but I disagreed and told him that I felt I let myself down. I explained that I don't want to hear any detail about OW and that while it was happening in a town ( I never go to) 40 minutes away, I could place it on a shelf away somewhere but to learn that he had taken her to the local holiday park 15 minutes away, a place I worked at for twenty years, up until last year when he took my car....was too close to home.
I told him that I reacted purely on raw emotion. He completely understood and I know we will be ok.
I do feel sorry for the OW as it's plain she isn't important to him, but it is what it's is.
I feel the dominant one and strong and that's more important to me.
He is calling again either Sunday or Monday. Thanks OwnIt for pointing me to SKMs thread....I've read a few pages and yes we are very much at the same journey and I love Cali's responses... Very wise.
Hi Westo - I was going to post earlier when you were still wound up but am glad that I didn't and that you've gotten some excellent advise from others and have had a chance to calm down.
I've been doing a bunch of reading in some new resources I found on another site which unfortunately I can't mention here due to forum rules but it turned on some light-bulbs for me as I review / rewrite history <sad smile>. I'll post on my own thread a bit later which may explain why I'm doing all this reading. A lot of my reading involved how both sides go through an episode of infidelity which nobody including you and perhaps your H I believe are sure of in your own case.
One bit that I read that made a huge amount of sense when I thought about the beginning waay back about 2 years ago now are how people engaged in infidelity have the ability to "compartmentalize" things. In your case perhaps, you are in the "Westo / home / family" compartment and he has another compartment that contains OW and her mother and that relationship whatever it may be. It's quite possible to him that these are completely distinct things with no intersection. For you though, he's your H and there is no splitting up of him or his life into compartments. In my case it explains how my W could be talking about fixing up the house and still love and care for me on minute and then later go into her OM compartment where I didn't even exist. That may be why your H is completely baffled at your taking offense to his wheeling OW's mother around. He's not making a connection that it has anything to do with you and the compartment that you are in. You telling him that it did and in such a forceful way may have done a bunch of good in breaking down the walls of those compartments. On the other hand it may cause the walls to be built stronger but from what you've written it doesn't sound like that.
I'd also like to put some bubble-wrap around this 2X4 and hand it to you. I see in you some habits that I also had that were in many ways very unhelpful to me. On Saturdays I would get my chores done and then sit with beer and a good book for the afternoon and get a nice glow on. I looked forward to it as one of the times in the week when I could truly relax. Looking at it from the outside, it very likely looked like the fat old lump sitting getting sloshed and not doing anything.
You enjoy your wine and telly in the afternoon I know and it's a habit that you look forward to. At times though you don't always make wise choices during that time. Also, think perhaps on what you are missing out on during that time. I was missing out on puttering around the house and garden. I was missing out on a chance to go on adventures with my W (I could ramble on about this but won't). What else could you be doing in your afternoons that doesn't involve wine or the telly? You can perhaps record the shows you like to watch later in the evening.
Just my 2 cents. Just because something gives us comfort and we're used to it, that doesn't mean that it's what we have to do. We sometimes miss out on things because we don't open our eyes to what is around us.
Take care of yourself Westo. As others have said and I agree, you've come a long, long way and you have a lot to be proud of.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh I really understand the compartmentalising as I had a one night stand before we married over 20 years ago with the colleague who messaged me on FB that he saw him at the park.
I can honestly say that H never entered my head that night......it was my night and all about me. So I do have an idea. And yes, he seemed bemused that I was so affected by him pushing her mother.
When I say I went off on one, I meant it. I called him a lying cowherd, needed to grow a pair of balls, fat, can't believe a word that spills out of his mouth. Oh and the low blow of...."don't you think I have enough on my plate without wondering what your effing relationship is with her?" She's nothing but a bandage and always has been and is nothing to me and I pity her.
I also emailed him saying I'll never be plan b......ever!
I really did think I'd blown it but after he put the phone down on me.....came to the conclusion if he couldn't handle this hurdle, we have no chance.
But his demeanour on the phone yesterday gave me the impression that he thinks he expected far worse and didn't resent me at all. But like I told him, it's said now and done.
I am one of those people that if its in the back of my mind it will come out eventually with the help of a couple of wines....but then it's gone. He knows this.
Yes, I drink too much but over the years he has been my enabler. I know this will all have to stop if and when he comes back. My marriage is more important.
I actually stopped for six weeks last summer, until I found out he asked to take OW to SS wedding. I told him this, which I could see by his face added to the guilt he has already.
I guess part of me is treating this time as a bit of a holiday and know I will have to devote my time to our R when I have to. Until then, I'm enjoying my wine. I am doing what I believe I have to do to cope right now.
I'll have to cross the next bridge when I reach there.....
I didn't expect H to call last Sunday as he told me he was going out the night before on a works do. But he said, if not it would definitely be Monday......he didn't.
So I emailed asking if he was ok as he said he would call. He replied that he hadn't gone to work as he had felt sick with a bad stomach since Sunday morning and wasn't back in work until Wednesday, when he would call next. So I replied 'it must have been all the alcohol sat night, hope you feel better soon. No reply.
Now, he has never taken any time off work through illness in all the years we've been together, so I believe that to be a lie. He didn't turn up yesterday either.
He told me, when I was on my rant that it would take two to three weeks to leave her as he had 'stuff to sort out'. He also told me last Friday that he didn't want to go into details as that is what I asked.
So my gut is saying.....that now we have had the R discussion and he's told me what his plans are, the guilt is setting in with OW and feels more uncomfortable about calling, until he moves out.
That there maybe a wedding or some other celebration that they are going to or may that she has health problems herself, so he wants to break this gently.
He made it clear that things haven't developed.....for him....and that he was using her. I thought he may do a moonlight flit like he did to me, but I really hope he finishes it probably. I feel for her.
Or he could have changed his mind! Anyhow, I'm going to leave it until Monday and see whether to email again. D is fuming as he's only taken GD out twice since promising to take her out every two weeks.
For now, leave him be. He's got some major decisions to make and follow thru on and until he actually has cut the ties w/the ow, he's going to be sitting on the fence and keep you dangling.
Keep your expectations at zero when it comes to him doing what he says he's going to do. The ow is still in the picture and until she's gone, he's going to be soft shoeing with the both of you. Show him that you are the prize by allowing him the time to figure things out for himself.
Try to remember...you still haven't been rehired as the wife, companion and lover yet. He's still out there and you don't want to come across as his mother by checking on him too much. You know he's got things to work out...so be patient and allow him the time and space to do what he needs to do. Dig deeper for patience, or he'll feel even more pressure and opt to stick it out w/her for a while longer.
Breathe, relax and allow things to move at their "slow" pace for now. I know you love him and want him back...but he's got to cut those ties on his own at his own pace or he could return home and then go back out again, i.e., thinking that he still wasn't satisfied with the way things ended between him and the ow. It's best to allow that hot mess to die a very natural death.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
