Now you're cooking! As parkema says, you don't need to not talk to him at all...and actually you can't because of the kids and money, but on your terms now. No more enabling. No more emotion shown to him or R talks. Calm, practical, detached...and start making a GAL plan which is more fun than DIY!
You can have the odd duvet day, of course you can - this is a s**t situation and you are allowed to feel how you feel. Time for you and time for the kids now - let him stew and start dealing with the practical effects of his own choices.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I don't intend to stop talking to him completely but will do exactly what you say keep it to kids and bills. He called last night and I had a conversation with him about DO getting star of the week but the school hadn't emailed me to let me know so I wasn't at the assembly and was really upset. He said it was such a shame as I have always done everything possibly to attend all special assembly's and knows how much it means to me.
I have just come back from S's leavers assembly from primary school, very emotional. H should have been there but has chosen to be with OW instead. However I am forcing myself not to focus on this but imagine he is working instead as he has been in the past for such occasions.
Thanks SJ
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Looking for some practical advice on the time he spends with the kids. He says he wants to see them every other weekend. He has nowhere to take them to sleep as he lives in a one man room in the barracks. I don't want him staying in the house when I'm here but that would me staying at friends every other weekend if he stays here with them. Before you all start telling me off I know this is his problem but I'm thinking of the kids. If I tell him he can only stay at the house if I am going out and not coming back it is going to be virtually impossible for him to have them for a weekend.
Thoughts please?
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
He's a dad. He needs to get living space that can accommodate his children for overnights.
Or he can take them to a hotel, which would be cheaper, since we're only talking two nights a month.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
He says he wants to see them every other weekend. He has nowhere to take them to sleep as he lives in a one man room in the barracks.
I agree with Rose. If wants to have them overnight, then its on him to figure out a place for them to sleep. I did have a nesting arrangement with my ex where we took turns in our home, but I dont see that being a particularly reasonable option on an 85-25 kind of split.
Id say if he doesnt have anywhere to take them, propose going out and then he can leave when you get home at an agreed on time. Id also stipulate that if hes late, that the kids may or may not still be there as you arent going to put your life on hold waiting around for him to show up next time.
Remember he has fired you from being on his support team...this is his problem to figure out and solve. Keep your boundary right now, maybe temper it by saying the two of you can review it in a couple of months...but right now, he has created the situation that causes the challenge. Please let him suffer some of his own consequences. In a funny way, it is about respect....treating him as an adult who is responsible for clearing up his own mess and respect for yourself to detach enough that you leave him to it.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Thanks guys. That is what I was thinking but just wanted some affirmation that I wasn't being mean and just trying to make things difficult as that is how he will see it. He has said before it isn't fair to expect me to stay with friends when he has them. The first weekend won't be an issue as the kids have nothing on and he can take them to his Mum's which although a distance away is near my Mum's and I was going to take them up that week so I can just meet them there on the Sunday night or Monday. After that he's got a problem with DO playing football Saturday mornings and S on Sunday mornings but as you say these are the consequences of his actions.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
That said OW doesn't like him staying at our house as she can't be sure whether I'm here or not, obviously their R isn't built on trust, lol. Or is that bad DBing on my part? I wouldn't be here I would stay with my friend but she won't know that.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
When my H and I were first married and did not live in the same town as his kids, he would drive and get them every other weekend, then drive them back on Sundays. But he got them from Thursday after school until Sunday nights. So on that Thursday night, he would stay in a hotel with them. They loved it! I remember one year at Easter he was SO upset b/c D, then 7, needed to take 2 boiled eggs to school with her on Friday morning and he didn't have a way to provide that in a hotel. So he worked it so the hotel manager ran to HIS OWN house, boiled 2 eggs and brought them back for her to have. Things have a way of working out when the Daddy is committed to making it work.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
