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T, I think his behavior is the distancer trying to get the pursuer to pursue.

He's backed off and still came home even though you asked him not to (only to not lift a finger with the kids) because he wants you to get angry and pursue him via a fight.

You were advised in your last thread to start acting as if he is not there and not count on him at all. He can do whatever he wants to do. Your text let him know you noticed he wasn't there, and that you'd like his involvement with the kids (because the logic was kids were asleep so he's not needed) so he's doing the opposite of what you want to try to make you angry. He's still showing up and not helping when he does. That's not a coincidence.

You're being baited. H is going to do what he's going to do. You should be so absorbed in living life on your own that his comings and goings don't matter. You should assume he won't help with the kids because then you won't get angry when he doesn't - maybe you'll occasionally be pleasantly surprised, instead. There's no need to text him, or give him any idea what you want from him, because this version of H will take it, run with it, and do the opposite in the hopes your emotions get the better of you.

Remember that he wants you to blow up and argue. It helps him feel less guilty and confirms the "T is to blame for my unhappiness because she's always upset with me and nothing is ever enough" storyline.

Note: please don't confuse the "H is a nonentity in childcare" for not formalizing the childcare. The former is a short term solution where you don't rely on him for anything and thus he cannot stoke your anger. The latter is what you should be striving for.

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Quote:
You're being baited. H is going to do what he's going to do. You should be so absorbed in living life on your own that his comings and goings don't matter. You should assume he won't help with the kids because then you won't get angry when he doesn't - maybe you'll occasionally be pleasantly surprised, instead. There's no need to text him, or give him any idea what you want from him, because this version of H will take it, run with it, and do the opposite in the hopes your emotions get the better of you.


This, a thousand times this.


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PS3

re Lawyers....

Maybe a shark is not needed, but I'm saying do what it takes to get a wage garnishment or direct deposit from your h's income

so you are not waiting for him to "GIVE" you money every month.

I think money h has sent me has, literally, arrived on different days and or in different amounts every single month. Not once has he texted or emailed to say it's coming/won't be, how much, etc. Never.


Hard to make plans with that type of budget.

T3, here's what I believe you must hammer into your mind about your h

which you resist...

your h lies by commission

he gives out inadequate information, (lies by omission)

or pieces of the truth intended to deceive ("I told you I was riding the motorcycle" TRUE ---"I did not say I bought it")

My "great guy" DOCTOR h, will not do the right thing when no one is looking.

And even when they are looking, he distorts the narrative so much he has no apparent remorse or negative consequence that he cares about...

He does such mindfu#kery that I'm sitting here empty handed, seeing my d19 without college money, money which h is either hoarding or spending on his new family -where I presume he is adored for his awesomeness and

after 35 years of marriage I have no financial security, yet. Me Working full time is mandatory, but my resume has an 18 year gap...h has a pristine resume (you're welcome).

H hid money I now don't get unless I spend a lot of borrowed cash to hunt for it, and

I could go on --- but as far as I know, this is New behavior from my h.
I would not have predicted it. I'm still, sadly, able to be disappointed by him.
H has erased our family and marriage. And I'm incredulous.

I'm saying you are as forewarned as you get. Forewarned is forearmed.

Get as much financial info as you can without having to subpoena his records and look for a trail to other "him only" accounts.

Would his boss help him hide income?

I don't want you to spin, I want you to protect yourself & your boys & tell your L this.

A guy who can justify an affair with a pregnant wife and walk away from her & 3 boys including a newborn,

and had an affair before, and blames HER for making him leave "Because she doesn't trust him enough", is already doing things most men would not justify. (I would hope).

I am sorrier than you can know.

But as I said, i'm in the trenches now. So on one hand I'm learning valuable lessons I want to pass on, on the other hand I'm trying not to project.

Learn what you can, disregard the rest.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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T,

I think you need to do something. You seem stuck in a paralyzed mode watching this stuff happening and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

I would prefer to see you hire a competent attorney who will advocate for you but not turn this into WWIII. Swift, decisive action is always a good thing. I'd like to see you hit him with the support and custody case with no advance warning. He is sitting there feeling as though he has all the cards. The strolling in the house every night is ridiculous. I would seek a kick out order as part of the support and custody case.

If you can't bring yourself to do that or don't think you can pay for it, then I would send the letter. If he didn't respond or didn't respond appropriately, I would then file the case without any mention of it to him.

I think 25's situation is different from yours. I think if I were to file for divorce, I would be in 25's situation but I think there is a lot of narcissism with both of our H's that I haven't seen with yours.

Yours seems more like a petulant child to me, less menacing. I think standing up to him as Train has suggested again and again would knock him for a loop.

I haven't yet heard back from my friend, but I checked on some profiles for folks in your area. Elaine Silver is one I would definitely call. She has the right board certifications, she only does family law, she can help with collaborative divorce if it comes to that, she seems to focus on resolving disputes.

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I'm not responding with advice, because you are getting the very best of the best on here already. But I do want to throw in my thanks to the ones who are advising you on practical matters about asking for what you rightly deserve.

Although I'm in Washington, and truly enjoying my time here with D, and staying busy, in the back of my mind there is always lurking the settlement proposal that is still a work in progress. I wake up after maybe 4 hours sleep, then I just have to GET up and start making notes of the things swirling in my head.

This settlement proposal may very well be the most important document I will ever have drafted and sent, and I must get it right the first time, or I will have regrets for the rest of my life. I've worked and given (both in time, physical effort, and finances that should have been part of my inheritance) too much to have helped him rise to the top and make a quarter of a million a year, to have to be awake in the night trying to figure out if I can live off my social security and paltry teacher retirement just to make ends meet.

Not today, *itch, not today.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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Leah, let me know if you want to meet for a skinny hot chocolate while in the area (I don't do coffee). I spent a lot of time on my separation contract and might be able to offer some suggestions.

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Haha Train, I hope I'm here to stay, I felt it coming yesterday and after I found that letter that basically depicted everything here and now it was like really? Then last night him lying about being at work and having the nerve to still come here at 1130pm.

Okay so me texting him was not pursuit I promise or me trying to control him. I have told him I didn't want him coming to the house. So he text me at 8pm saying he was coming to the house, well by 1030pm he wasn't here yet and I had FINALLY gotten the baby to bed and was letting him know not to come here that late, the kids were sleeping, essentially no need for him to come-and him coming here the dogs would bark like crazy as they do when people come home and wake the baby up. That was the point. When he said he was already on his way (which was not the truth) I didn't reply and I didn't say one word to him when he got here.

This is me mindreading and a waste of time but I’m going to say it anyway, something has definitely changed. He, before, was going to his boss’s house if he was working late because she lives much closer to his work and he didn’t want to have to drive all the way back here only to drive an hour to work again (his boss lives only 15 minutes from their work). Anyway, now he’s ‘working’ later but willing to drive all the way here. I haven’t asked him to come here to help or asked him to do anything for the kids in a month since the ONE Saturday night I went out. So he can’t stay at her house if he’s lying about really working because she would know that he’s not really at work and god forbid she actually know that he’s a liar. All of this means nothing except that it [censored] for me because as long as he can’t go to her house he will continue to come here.

Maybell- that's what I want, someone that is willing to fight for what's right for the boys and I. I may be that scorned woman and you guys may not agree with it but I want everything the boys and I are entitled to. H had NOTHING when he entered this relationship and because of me and my family he has been able to relocate and work long hours and now is making A LOT of money and my expense and it's only fair that the boys and I get what we are entitled to in order to live a comfortable life, it's the least we deserve for going through this a second time. So if I have to spend a little extra to get a little more in the long run it will be money well spent.

Cadence – I don’t know that I agree that he is trying to get me to pursue. He could care less about what I’m doing or even talking to me. I do act as if he is not here, and DO NOT count on him for ANYTHING. I have not asked for one thing to help with the boys AT ALL. I have made all arrangements for the kids through my parents and/or friends as needed. Everything is taken care of as far as soccer, pick ups, drop offs, who’s watching while I’m at school, I have a final exam and a patient evaluation Monday – all taken care of. HeII, H doesn’t even know my schedule to know when I have school or when I’m home.

I just sent the text about the kids being asleep as there’s no reason for him to come… I feel like he’s trying to create a paper trail with his now every night do you need anything? Or I’m still at work, be there soon. So, my response was that the kids were sleeping so if he is keeping track of things he can’t say I’m trying to keep him away, I’m simply letting him know they are sleeping so he wouldn’t be able to spend time with them that late anyway. If that makes sense, that was truly my rationale.

I’m used to him not helping at this point, sad for the kids – yes. I won’t engage in an argument, I haven’t for a long time and don’t plan on starting now, I have come too far. I’m fine with him not helping, like I said, hopeful that this shows he won’t fight me for custody. Plus I’m used to doing this alone at this point, it doesn’t even upset me as it used to. I did that last weekend at soccer alone and did just fine. Ya it sucked doing it alone but I was okay and we survived.

So do I just not text him at all to not come here no matter how late it is? Just let him come and go as he pleases until I file legal paperwork? Or should I ask him again to stop coming here? Kind of confused on that aspect.

I feel like he’s waiting for me to tell him not to come here anymore, so that he can say it’s my fault he left, that I made him.

25 – My dad says the same thing about my H, character is what you do when people aren’t watching… and we all know what that is. And yes this [censored], your H sound like an older version of mine. It rings true what you say about being admired by the new awesome family. My dad says he can picture the boss and her family and her daughter introducing him, hey I’ve got this great guy for you, he makes 6 figures, is a hard worker… over the dinner table so H tell us about yourself, well umm I’m separated and I have 3 boys… oh awesome! How old are they?? 9, 6 and 2 months. Oh 2 months? But wait havent you two been seeing each other for 5 months?

This is just the stuff my dad comes up with to entertain me and make me laugh on my days where I’m sad. He tells me the only people that believe he’s SO AWESOME are just the same category as him – lower than low.

And remember – leopards don’t change their spots, in time they will see him for who he really is. He’s just on good behavior right now.

Leah – I hope you’re having a nice time! Remember that nothing has to be done immediately and it’s better to think it out and really scrutinize everything. I, like you, feel I have afforded H the lifestyle he has with family money and inheritance as well which is why I am so keen on getting what I deserve since he has quadrupled his income since we met.

Ownit- I spoke with Elaine today, she wanted me to try and get H to come for mediation and work out without lawyers to have an uncontested divorce. I told her I don’t know if I’m there yet to sit down at table with him sharing a mediator to figure things out. She told me that any lawyer is going to have H wait until I’m done with school and making good money. She advised me not to stop school at this time and said I need to go on with my life. My concern is we will be making the same money and then he won’t have to pay me any child support. She referred me to a colleague near me for litigation purposes if I want to go that route. I also left messages with a few other attorneys in the area and plan on spending my break from school finding someone I like. Unfortunately I am inundated with schoolwork until next Thursday and really don’t have time to meet with anyone until after that, then I start back to work next week so I’m not sure how it’s going to work out but where there’s a will there’s a way. Maybe I can do phone consultations.


M 31 H 34
S 6 S 9
BD 2/14 Piecing 8/14
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Originally Posted By: leahsue
- my thanks to the ones who are advising you on practical matters about asking for what you rightly deserve.
-
always lurking the settlement proposal that is still a work in progress. - the things swirling in my head.

This settlement proposal may very well be the most important document I will ever have drafted and sent, and I must get it right the first time, or I will have regrets for the rest of my life.



This^^ DOCUMENT IS BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT FINANCIAL TRANSACTION

OF YOUR LIFE.

PERIOD.


I've worked and given (both in time, physical effort, and finances that should have been part of my inheritance) too much to have helped him rise to the top and make a quarter of a million a year, to have to be awake in the night trying to figure out if I can live off my social security and paltry teacher retirement just to make ends meet.

Not today, *itch, not today.



indeed.

My s31 ("our son") sent me the Rhanna youtube video & suggested it be a mantra for me. The title -

"B1tch better gimme my money".

The video is hilarious, especially given the context. I use humor as a coping tool,

which is another thing I love about ME!!!


-signed

the Doctor's First W


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 147
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Hi T. I don't have anything to add. I'm a newbie to this whole disastrous WH sitch. But I basically read all your posts and I am so sorry you are in this sitch again. But I wanted you to know you are an inspiration to me. I too feel like I'm spiraling out of control. One minute I'm screaming mad and the next I know I will be ok if H never comes back. I have admiration for you because of how you are handling things. I am always angry at H. And even tho I know I need to keep my mouth shut I keep spewing forth my anger. All this advice that people have given you has helped me so much. My H has moved into his own little rental home but not come and got his stuff. He doesn't talk divorce, but he says he's done. We still work together every day. Which is so hard to detach when I see him everyday. But anyways you are my inspiration. I am in awe of how you have handled things and compose yourself. So thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you are here. But I wanted to you to know how much of a help you and the other posters have been. Thank you.


Me: 41 H: 45
T:21 yrs
S:16 D: 13 S: 12
BD: October 2016
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 561
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I'd love to meet with you but have no idea on these boards how to even come close to us sharing that information of how to meet up. I'd even love to be able to email with you, b/c then I could send you my lawyer's draft and some of my info, for your input. If there's a way that I am not aware of, clue me in.


M-60 H-51
M-14 years
BD 12/26/16
S 1/1/17

"First the pain, then the rising."
Glennon Doyle Melton

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