I think our sitch's have a lot of overlap and our kids are about the same age. Keep posting and I will as well in my thread and hopefully gain some insight into this.
The other thing I have struggles with is what to make my W pay for. She does have a job so she has money coming in. When she first moved out I probably was not aggressive enough with what I made/make her pay for. As it stands she pays all of her living expenses, including cell phone with her paycheck. She also opened up a credit card in her name that I know carries a balance (she told me she bought a $900 dresser). I make double what she makes and am still paying the car payments, car insurance and a small amount of debt we had as a couple. I am also paying for our pets. Part of the reason I did this is because I know what I am paying now is less than what I would pay in child support.
The only thing different I could do would be to make her contribute money each month for our pets, common debt or pick up 1 of the car payments.
In August after school care will kick in and that will be taken directly out of her paycheck. I assume when that happens she will be asking me for help. At this time my thoughts are to tel her "no" since I am paying for the common things in the house you walked away from. Thoughts?
Finally I will say that when my W told me she wanted a D she offered nothing in regards to what I could differently. She told me it was just something that she felt but cold not put her finger on it. She told me I am the best sex she has ever had and she knows that I would love her for the rest of my life, 98 reasons why she should be with me but something is missing. I do believe she struggled with the decision but she also told me that she feels very selfish at this point in her life and she wants what she wants and essentially nothing is going to stand in her way.
I know this was long but I hope it helps. The tragic thing in all of this is that I know with communication or marriage could be saved and our D's would have their family back again.
SmokeyD, I think our W's are in the same boat with a few exceptions. I don't think mine is in an A, but perhaps i'm just blinded. I know she has someone convincing her she isn't treated like she should be, but from what she said, it sounds more like she was comparing other marriages to ours. I am further along than you in the D process unfortunately. The W was pushing it to get it through fast. She also is wanting to get what she wants at no expense, including the MR. I personally don't think she can do it, but that remains to be seen. I would think that even if she does, she'll realize that wasn't really what she wanted at all.
My W and I at least went to MC where some of what the W wanted was discussed. Problem was that she wanted everything to go her way with no compromise. The MC told her there had to be compromise. some of the things she mentioned though give me a clue as to what i can focus on in my GAL efforts (they were qualities i had that she liked about me). I don't remember you going to MC in your sitch. I think you mentioned some of what she had expressed as things she wanted (flooring, dogs, etc.). Are there any other smaller things you can do that she might have hinted before (going out to movies, concerts, taking kids places, etc.)? If you can recall anything she may have mentioned on the past, you could incorporate it in your GAL.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
Finally I will say that when my W told me she wanted a D she offered nothing in regards to what I could differently. She told me it was just something that she felt but cold not put her finger on it. She told me I am the best sex she has ever had and she knows that I would love her for the rest of my life, 98 reasons why she should be with me but something is missing. I do believe she struggled with the decision but she also told me that she feels very selfish at this point in her life and she wants what she wants and essentially nothing is going to stand in her way.
Yup, that sounds very familiar. When we went to MC early on the counselor said she had 3 questions for W-
"Do you love him?" "Yes."
"Do you respect him or are there issues there?" "I respect him very much, absolutely!"
"Do you enjoy sex with him or is he selfish about that?" "Oh no, I love the sex!"
"Well in counseling we call that 'the makings of a great relationship'! I don't really understand the problem!" "I don't know, I'm just done."
So yeah, go figure. Like we always say, the WAW doesn't even know why they're doing what they're doing a lot of the time.
Thanks guys......I took a step today with removing my wife name and canceling her debit card from our joint account. She got paid yesterday and has it routed to her own account now so this seemed like a logical step. I plan on telling her in person tomorrow when I pick up my girls or would sending an email suffice?
She also texted me today and indicated she did not know how to shut the attic door. Obviously this means she was inside the house that she left a month ago. I guess from a legal perspective she has every right to do so but I feel like this is a boundary that I need to establish. Thoughts on how to proceed and/or have the conversation?
Kguy....everything she complained about was superficial and could be rectified. These were her complaints.
1. Wood floors 2. The dogs 3. I gained weight 4. I spent too much time on the computer 5. Needed to change my socks, underwear and t-shirts more often 6. I didn't do yard work like I used to 7. I do have some anxiety issues and she complained that I don't do anything about it.
I can't think of anything else......she said I am content with my life and she is not. She never told me what her dreams or aspirations where but I think she felt like I did not push her to be a better person and was not content with the life she had. I guess she felt there was more I thought she was missing out on something. She never could tell me though what it was she was missing. I guess it was the idea of something new.
I plan on telling her in person tomorrow when I pick up my girls or would sending an email suffice?
SmokeyD,
I think an email would suffice.
Regarding the house, after my wife moved out, the house became "mine" and she had to get permission from me to come into the house (and vice versa for me and her apartment). That worked out well because if she started spewing while in my house, I'd just tell her to leave.
Thanks....I am a nice guy and this is soo hard for me to do. When I went to the bank today it was hard for me to tell them to take her name off the account and it will be even harder to tell her that since she moved out of the house she needs to respect that it is not hers to enter freely.
I know this is the counter-intuitive stuff that needs to happen and it will also send a message. I guess it goes back to the rule that you can't act afraid of getting D'd.
Kguy....everything she complained about was superficial and could be rectified. These were her complaints.
1. Wood floors 2. The dogs 3. I gained weight 4. I spent too much time on the computer 5. Needed to change my socks, underwear and t-shirts more often 6. I didn't do yard work like I used to 7. I do have some anxiety issues and she complained that I don't do anything about it.
I can't think of anything else......she said I am content with my life and she is not. She never told me what her dreams or aspirations where but I think she felt like I did not push her to be a better person and was not content with the life she had. I guess she felt there was more I thought she was missing out on something. She never could tell me though what it was she was missing. I guess it was the idea of something new.
I'd do everything except the floor and dogs for now, thats the GAL bit. If she stops by the house, then make sure the yard is perfect... I'd also make darn sure #5 is done for sure... ...additionally, ensure you use some deodorant/cologne/aftershave during interactions to send a clear message you are making yourself presentable, that will get her attention.
I'd suggest to get quotes on the floors and see how much they are. I wouldn't do anything on them until you know which way to go though. I had the same issue. I was more than willing to to all the floors on the 2nd floor (and replace the AC ductwork, etc.), but when she kept mentioning divorce, all i could think of was that any money i put into the house would bring it closer to getting top dollar for it, then it would be split... AND, i would need it for a lawyer. I told the MC that as well. I'm a DiY guy, and have been thinking about doing the floors now that the W is gone. I've got other projects i want to close out that benefit me more though that i will complete piror to starting anything like that.
Keep thinking back and see if there are other things that perhap were more subtley mentioned. In addition, think back to what she said she used to like about you (perhaps even before the marriage). That what i am trying to do, get back to what i liked to do that she mentioned she liked as well in the MC, and then add more things i like from there.
Originally Posted By: doodler
Regarding the house, after my wife moved out, the house became "mine" and she had to get permission from me to come into the house (and vice versa for me and her apartment). That worked out well because if she started spewing while in my house, I'd just tell her to leave.
I agree, but be careful with this. If the house is in both of your names, you may not have any say in it if she decides she wants to go in anyway. I was lucky in that i had a good reason to lock her out after her coming in for about a month when she knew i was not there. My L told me she had every right to come in though and that my locking her out wouldn't look favorable by a judge. Additionally, the sheriff that came when she came in the house to get all of her things told her she could break in if she wanted and i couldn't do anything about it. Although i was a little upset that a "peace officer" would suggest such a thing, my lawyer had already told me she could do just that.
Originally Posted By: SmokeyD
Thanks....I am a nice guy and this is soo hard for me to do. When I went to the bank today it was hard for me to tell them to take her name off the account and it will be even harder to tell her that since she moved out of the house she needs to respect that it is not hers to enter freely.
I know this is the counter-intuitive stuff that needs to happen and it will also send a message. I guess it goes back to the rule that you can't act afraid of getting D'd.
I think of myself as a nice guy as well, but there comes a point where you just can't let them wealk all over you. You know the saying, give an inch, take a mile"?
The bank let you take her name off the house? That surprises me. I would think that not only would that need her approval, but it would be difficult even then. I'd talk to a lawyer on that, you need a signed release of the warranty deed i think. Even then, if you decided not to pay on the house, the loan is linked to both of your credit reports.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
...additionally, ensure you use some deodorant/cologne/aftershave during interactions to send a clear message you are making yourself presentable, that will get her attention.