Have been surfing the threads for about 2 months. I quess its time to jump in with both feet.
March recieved the lLYBIDLY. 25 years together a son 16and daughter 18. Marriage has been good with some small issues that always seemed to get worked out. My W looked at me that night said she needed to leave and figure things out. Took 20 minutes to pack cloths talk with each of the kids for 2-4 minutes and left. Have been dealing with the fall out ever since. Still have regular contact with W but everything seems to be my fault and only thing that w can remeber are 4 arguements over a multi year period. She has limited contact with old friends and is easily offended and will even go no contact with the kids. A little info on me major job change 5 years ago 3 years ago i let it overwelm me and shut down on my family quit going out just became a couch patato. My wife held things together august of last year i notice some suttle changes in my wife and i tried to reingage with her and the family it seemed to frustrate her and rather then step back i started to push trying to make up for my lack of involvement. So long ztory short she noticed i was trying but she feels empty in side and doesn,t want to try. Has left and is looking into Devorce as well as making some wild claims about my conduct and my comittment to the marrige.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have DB and DR both are already showing signs of wear i have been reading them so much, im am very concerned because my waw and i have contact at least 3 times a week if not more and when she left i did all the wrong things to convince her to stay. Im having a hard time not snooping and checking on her wareabouts weekends are the worst i have no reason to think there is a OM but imagination runs wild friday to sunday. Contact is her choice and often she thanks me for a good evening or time. Ever night since she has left i have texted a good night to her orher then that i limit first contact as much as possible.
She is in contact with the kids daily and on multiple occasions has told them we are moving in the right direction as a couple and that she is thinking about coming home.
I just dont know what my next steps are 4 months of her out of the house and at a loss as to continue??
Detach??? How when my waw has contact her choice at least 3 times a week. She lives one town over with her mom. The kids are old enough they drive but she still does family activities with us including church services and family bible study.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I feel the need to explain the (angry) in the title. My wife and i have been best friends for 30 years tackling problems together. We have a lot of the same interests and hobbies. This whole situation just doesn't add up. She goes from being friendly to making acusations of infidelity. In the past i have looked at porn but when confronted with it i approached our church elders and have been pro active in staying clear of this for almost a year i mention this because this is the only big issue i can thi k of when it comes to trust in the marriage. We could always sit down and talk thinks out now it seems she is qiuck to become angry and make accusations. Then she retreats to a room at her mothers and will sleep all day and for multiple days have little to no contact with anyone than show up at the house have what i concider a great evening with the kids and me and just as evening is wrapping up you can see a change come over her she gets for lack of a better word jumpy. Quickly says goodbye and leaves. Very confused on steps going forward. I find myself getting frustrated and angry as i think about our interactions and those she has with the kids. It seems to be all on her terms and they seem to change daily!!
I feel the need to explain the (angry) in the title. My wife and i have been best friends for 30 years tackling problems together. We have a lot of the same interests and hobbies. This whole situation just doesn't add up. She goes from being friendly to making acusations of infidelity. In the past i have looked at porn but when confronted with it i approached our church elders and have been pro active in staying clear of this for almost a year i mention this because this is the only big issue i can thi k of when it comes to trust in the marriage. We could always sit down and talk thinks out now it seems she is qiuck to become angry and make accusations. Then she retreats to a room at her mothers and will sleep all day and for multiple days have little to no contact with anyone than show up at the house have what i concider a great evening with the kids and me and just as evening is wrapping up you can see a change come over her she gets for lack of a better word jumpy. Quickly says goodbye and leaves. Very confused on steps going forward. I find myself getting frustrated and angry as i think about our interactions and those she has with the kids. It seems to be all on her terms and they seem to change daily!!
What makes you think that this is all your fault?
Your anger is your fault. Her anger is NOT your fault.
I dont believe its all my fault but i do go into fix-it mode when it comes to problems. And i ask my self what could i have done differently. Is there a difference between angry and frustrated i guess as i sit here typing im frustrated at the situation and my wife because she has no clear understanding her issues let alone what might be happening to our marriage. My wife is a firm believer that if its said it cant be taken off the table so the devorce comment is always in the back of my mind. Im trying to move forward GAL as this forum puts it a hard thing to do because we were so involved with each others life im not kidding when i say my wife was my best friend. Im confused because my wife says on multiple occassions she wants to regain our friendship but then runs from the family with no real reason for it. Will literally jump up almost turn in a cicle and say i have to go and walk out.
I quess i feel that if i hadn't became distant a couple years back my family would not be going through this now. My wife and kids always were top on my list and when my arm chair and TV replaced them for a time i believe it overwelmed my wife.
i have thanked her for sticking by me and also have told her that i will be there for her when she needs help or someone to talk to. Patience something i will need to develop in a hurry
My wife talks about being empty inside. Says she knows that she maybe depressed but will not act on this by going to a doctor or councillor. I just listen but at time im very worried about her she makes comments like "if im still alive" and if the kids have any issues she seems to blame herself and will show signs of selfharm. This is all new behavior within last 8months to a year. Who do i turn to the MIL has blinders on she just believes marriage needs to be over for her xaughter to get better.
Definitly have jumped in with both feet. Im the type of guy that shares nothing. Now im on a forum and in contact with a DB coach a 180 for sure. Time to Gal with the kids.
