Here again part 11

[T384]

Do you guys think there is any worth for me to have pictures or evidence that H is not at work until 9pm like he says for custody purposes?

He text me tonight at 830pm - still at work but I'm coming home tonight

I don't feel this requires a reply so I didn't but I am thinking he's trying to create a paper trail... I'm just wondering if it would behoove me to have a picture to go along with this text that he isn't really at work

I know you guys can't give legal advice but my L last time said it went to character but the L i met with this time said it makes no difference

[BluWave]

I think despite the D and Ls, it makes the most sense to press him for a predicable and stable schedule now. Any person in their right mind will agree that this is best for the kids. It will also help with your own sanity and detachment process. Can you email this in business format and let him know this must start today and to please follow it? The way he comes and goes at night is just ridiculous given that you have 3 small children.

In terms of Ls and D, I know a lot of people that spent a small fortune on their D. Often the end result may be the same, right? Especially if mediation in required (where I live it is). The thing is, having a "pit bull" L may make you feel protected and powerful, but won't that also cost more? My inlaws almost got divorced and spent over 30K with 2 (very good) Ls going back and forth, only to R later. Except they had 30K in debt!

I tried to promise myself that if I ever D, I would try my best to be amiable and to not let emotions take over. I think it is important to have your list of goals, but also to go for them in a way that won't be a big and expensive fight. ... Am I way off here?

Blu

[OwnIt]

T:

Courts don't care about stuff like that. Does he keep time sheets at work or clock in. If things get contested, then you could potentially have something to seek in discovery.

Please listen to Blu. I am a lawyer and a litigator (but not in family law). I have not filed for divorce myself because of the cost involved. You do not want a pit bull. I intentionally hired an attorney that specialized in mediation of high asset dissolutions because I do not want to spend my kids' college educations on litigation. I am determined to get an agreement with mine if it kills me. Thankfully he is also afraid of the cost of litigation and some information I have about him that would come to light. I am hopeful these factors will allow us to reach an agreement at some point.

You want a competent attorney who knows and understands the law and has collaborative relationship with peers. You want them to have an attitude toward reaching the best resolution as quickly and inexpensively as possible. Keep in mind that fewer than 5% of divorces are litigated to trial. The majority settle along the way. Assuming the settlement is adequate, the faster you settle the less money you save.

In my case my H is giving me more money than even the agreement (which is unsigned) requires at this point. I anticipate that will change next month. He has no history of depriving me or the kids of funds, if he did, I would not be messing around. I have made it very clear to him that if I do not have the agreed amount of money in my account on a specific day of each month that I will go and file for support, which he does not want.

I get that you don't want to run out and do anything. But also the present situation does not seem to be a good one for anyone. How about doing as has been suggested and sending him a business email (which you could also use to validate him).

Dear H,
I want you to know that I have heard and understood you when you have explained to me your reasons for seeking to leave the marriage. While I do not believe that our marriage is irretrievably lost and I do believe that with counseling and patience we could work through this, I understand that it only takes one person to leave a marriage and I can't force you to stay.

Again, while this is not what I want, I respect your right to make this choice. I would like for us to resolve the issues between us as amicably and inexpensively as possible, as I believe a contentious process would be both fiscally unsound and could be detrimental to the boys.

While you take the time to get yourself organized and move forward with what it is you plan to do, I would like for us to come to an interim agreement for child support and visitation. I think you agree that having you on the couch on an irregular basis could be confusing and upsetting for the kids.

In terms of a schedule I propose _____________________________. I just want to make sure that you have your own place with appropriate accomodations for the boys before you begin taking them with you overnight.

In terms of support, as you know the cost to maintain our household monthly (considering mortgage/rent, insurance, food, utilities, health care, etc.) is _____________. Which means that I will need for you to pay me __________ on the _________ day or the month. [Or alternatively the amount of money you have been providing is sufficient for the time being--whatever the actual case is).

While I am sad that we have reached this place, I want to make sure that we are working together to ensure that the boys always come first and their needs are being met. I want to assure you that I know that they need you as an active part of their lives and I want to do what I can to make sure we are working together as productively as possible.

I think you get the gist.

[T384]

Yes I don't want to spend a ton of money but I also want someone that's going to get what's best for the kids and I. H and I agreed last time it was best for the kids to stay in their home Monday through Friday overnight and he could come spend two nights a week with them but that they should be in their home during the school week. Then he went back on that which is why I think it's a waste of my time to try and get him to come to terms and to be honest I won't bend on anything that I don't have to. This is what he wanted and this is what he had to do to take away from 100% attention to the boys, the new baby, and my school work so I'm not going to go out of my way to make it easy on him. BUT with that said IF there is a way that benefits the kids and I and saves me money I'm all for it.

I ended up sending H a text just now 1025pm - H its getting late, I just put the baby down, s6 is sleeping. And S9 is about to go to bed, no need to come here to help.

Each day he just gets worse and worse. He hasn't held the baby since Sunday. I gave him the baby the other night when he was fussing and he had him in the swing. He hasn't spent anytime with the boys since Saturday night. But whatever, hopefully he's just showing me he doesn't want them.

[T384]

BTW own, I was in such a rush before I didn't get to say thank you for taking the time to send that email. I'm sure it would throw H for a loop ... with that said are you thinking I should do this INSTEAD of filing for support and custody? Or send this email and go forward with filing?

I would think it would defeat the purpose
Of the email to file behind his back ... which I'm not against.

Something has to be done ASAP because he strolled in here at 1130 ignoring my message to not come and the baby was screaming as he always is at that time. He didn't even come in here to check on the baby say hello to him or goodnight to the boys who were here in my room as well. He basically came in showered got his mail and went on the couch to sleep and watch TV. This is not a hotel and he continues to come later and later.. like I'm dumb enough to believe he was at work.

F him seriously. My boys deserve better. This baby deserves a father who wants to hold him and let him get to know him more than once a week. Seriously F him.

[T384]

I mean taking the time to type up that email gahhh sorry! My mind is discombobulated and I am on major lack of sleep and am nursing and typing with one hand on my phone.

[Train]

Hmmmm ... am I sensing a little anger??

GOOD. It's about d@mn time!!!!!

Welcome back, T!!! I've missed you!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=T384]Yes I don't want to spend a ton of money but I also want someone that's going to get what's best for the kids and I.

since my h has hired a pit bull, frankly, I wish I had. Seems H WANTS to litigate b/c there's no statute saying he can be compelled to work until he's 65, but other case law saying EVEN IF he quit his job (a lie) that he can be compelled to work until then.

So I guess despite having a no fault divorce and no custody issues, we are going to Trial!

H's 'offer" seems to be "good luck", so I don't have much of a choice. But it turns out it sure would have been easier if my L had started out with a more aggressive posture.

I really feel that IF this is a tactic by h, and it may be, we could have ended it by now.

And IF H has grabbed our nest egg (against court orders which matter NOT to h)

then what? I"m screwed. And h gets away with it...

You never want a L who churns fees (and informs the other side of something, weeks after you tell them, rather than right away, prolonging the ordeal).

I"m NOT saying to hire an $$hole, but you need a poker player at least...and not one who bluffs in a way they won't back up with action.

Like boundaries that need enforcing...

That's my .02

[25yearsmlc]

PS

H is giving 2 L's the money he could have given THIS L, the one who had his kids...

and I think if I had hired more aggressive lawyer(s), at the start, I might be done with all this and have money in my pocket, and I'd be moving forward in my life without the $word of Damocles over my head and hindering me...

sometimes I think if we had mediated, I'd regret it b/c in my state, mediation only works when the payor isn't a jerk. My h is a jerk, evidently.

He's risking a lot of money and 4 relationships that once meant a lot to him, to save a year or 2 of spousal support. It's irrational.

But my thought is that spending more money up front, will lead to more money for my future (and my kids b/c I now doubt h will even leave them a cent. )

if they were little kids, I would not take a chance on this.

I know others do not agree - and they might be right!!

I'm in the trenches at the moment, so you should take what I say with a grain of salt.

But I'd be remiss if I didn't pass on whatever the he11 I am learning.

((( )))

[Maybell]

FWIW, once I realized that Mr. Fantastic is a liar, I had to act on the fact that he is a liar. For me that meant I got a job and put every single penny I had towards the lawyer, while praying every day that Mr. Fantastic didn't empty the bank account. I didn't take money out of the account myself because I didn't want to start cr@p like that before I had the settlement. But I bit my nails and checked the accounts every day.

EVERY PENNY I spent on that lawyer was worth it. He went to Mr. Fantastic's place of work and got a copy of his employment contract personally, which made an impression on Mr. F's boss. I had to sell the house so I made sure Mr. F had to pay the realtor commission, on the grounds that we closed on the house after he started the affair and I wasn't going to suffer the financial consequences of his stupidity. My lawyer was aggressive and I know it worked because Mr. Fantastic called me to tell me what an idiot I was for hiring a shark and that we ought to be sorting things out on our own. No, Mr. F, YOU ARE A LIAR and NOT TO BE TRUSTED.

He got mad at me but I have a GREAT settlement that will take care of my family until my kids graduate from high school and I have enough money to get a good start on a nest egg of my own. The very first payment post-settlement Mr. F sent the child support check late, I gave him hell till it came in, and the payments have been like clockwork since.

BE MIGHTY, T, and don't take sh!t anymore. Kick his sorry a$$ like he deserves and don't fear him. These liars are cowards and vampires who can't stand the light of day. Get a good aggressive lawyer who is ON YOUR SIDE -- a pit bull is OK if you trust that they have your best interests at heart (meaning, they talk about how to be aggressive on your behalf while keeping the bills reasonable).

Good luck, and good job finally getting mad at him. Looks like your heart is starting to listen to your head.