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#2751984 07/19/17 07:00 AM
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http://divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2750409#Post2750409

Figured I would start a new thread since I'm almost at 100 posts.

My commitment to this thread is to drop the rope... I am going to REALLY REALLY work toward asking if there is hope, if he will turn around, why he does this/that and focus on what IS today and how to make tomorrow better. I will probably have some slip ups (okay, maybe more than some) but I am really going to work at this. I need to get out of this crap.

I have a final on monday, about 150 patients to log, 65 more clinical hours and a horrendous skype encounter with my professor (who failed my last note and told me if I didn't 'get it together' I wouldn't pass this semester) she is the one that has failed many students out of the program. She knows I'm going through some stuff, but said this is graduate school if you can't handle it then you should re think what you're doing. So ya I have ENOUGH to worry about. Come on July 28th! i will have 3 weeks off from school and start back to work July 30th.

Anyway, thank you all for your patience!!!! I'm a hot mess/work in progress smile

Last edited by Cadet; 07/19/17 07:01 AM.

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T there is no email. Are you in Volusia or Brevard County?

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T, Florida has a certification process for family law attorneys. Someone who is board certified in Florida is going to have more hours, more training, more coursework in family law.

Also check out the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and see if they have anyone listed in your area.

You want to avoid lawyers who claim they can help you with everything under the sun. Find a board certified lawyer who only does family law.

They should either not charge for the initial consult or have a low fee. Again this is to help both parties see if there is a fit. They should be able to give you estimates for the case based on certain factors (kids, house, retirement accounts, etc).

Don't assume that him buying a house is good for you. He may argue that it was property acquired after separation. Again something you need to talk to a FL lawyer about.

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Carrying this over from your other thread.

I am toying with filing for custody and support without having a conversation with him. What do you think about that? Does a conversation need to be had or should I just file without talking?

I think that would be amazing! If you have it in you to do it, DO IT. I only pitched the conversation idea because I thought it would be a meeting place between where you are and where we all agree you need to be.

FILE! No advanced warning to H. Just do it. And watch his head spin.


M: 40 H: 44
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I'm in Volusia County

The two L I have met with were pretty doomsday, as in basically H has the upper hand, he can do whatever he wants and not pay a dime, still come and go as he pleases, he can get 50/50 custody and not pay a cent, I probably won't get much alimony, etc etc.

It sends me for a tailspin after I meet with them just because he makes a lot of money and I frankly haven't had a paycheck since before the baby.

I will continue to make consults that are free or low cost... I was doing this to get as much advice/input because I believe 2 is better than 1, and also because then its a conflict if H were to want to use someone I already met with to represent him.

So, I'll look into filing for support and custody, but I don't think I will file for D. It's not where I'm at in this moment, that very well may change. I get my student loan money the second or third week of August so depending on the cost it may have to wait until then if they want a retainer paid for filing those requests vs filing D.

I'm also thinking of telling H I probably won't be continuing this next semester in school, that I'm going to take some time off to focus on the kids and to be able to work (since he is soo short on money). Just because I have a feeling he's waiting for me to be making the big bucks after I graduate and sit for boards in December. Just to throw a wrench in his plans. I don't really plan on doing that, unless my professor fails me eek. But he doesn't have to know everything wink

On a funny note, just because it makes me laugh, I got a message from a strange number yesterday in between seeing patients. It was a message that I guess MIL had added H and I to a group message and sent a long letter starting with Dear T and H, and going on about how her life is falling apart, her 'baby' sister is cutting her out of her life because of a failed business investment, that she is devastated, strugglign with the loss, no more phone calls, family gatherings, holidays, shes losing her rock, etc, etc. to please pray for her to pull herself together, that she has been a wreck and unable to reach out to either of us. that she really needs support right now and a bunch of other stuff.

I read it and just laughed. Gosh that sounds cold of me, but seriously. I was half tempted to give her the response she gave about me with H, you know your sister deserves to be happy and she just doesn't love you anymore. Instead I said I'm sorry to hear that.

I am not super religious but I feel like God put a letter in my path today. I was searching for the baby's social and found a letter I wrote to myself July 19, 2014 *during the last BD*

It was something I was writing to H, but had kept it to myself just to relieve my feelings... I felt like it was something I could have written just yesterday. How odd things are.


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T I don't get that at all. I think you may need someone who is a little more creative and can help you think through the issues and possibly "change" the facts a little. I'm not talking lying, but I'm talking about making smart strategic decisions. I do have concerns that by staying there he can argue that he is "with the kids" and move for 50/50, which a lot of them do to try to avoid paying for support. Definitely document the contact he has (and doesn't have with the kids). I use an app on my phone so it is always handy and backed up.

I think if he were not there the chances are good he would not be taking all three kids 50% of the time and he would be establishing a precedent for what the custody should look like.

You don't have an obligation to tell him anything at this point. Mine tells me nothing and I tell him nothing. I look to him to decide how nice, communicative or forthcoming to be.

I don't think you should file for divorce now, but I do think you should get going on the custody and support ASAP.

His mother sounds somewhat narcissistic. She knows what is going on with you guys and she is trying to make it all about her. My mother is the same way. I don't tell her anything or look to her for support. It just won't happen.

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Also, T, check to see if your school offers any access to lawyers through the Employee Assistance Program. I'm a university employee and that's how I found my attorney. Free consult, he didn't charge me a retainer, and I get a 25% discount on fees. He's got a great deal of experience and has been wonderful to work with so far.

Quote:
I am toying with filing for custody and support without having a conversation with him. What do you think about that? Does a conversation need to be had or should I just file without talking? Point being, like I told my dad, I don’t trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason to at this point. So I’m not sure his ‘word’ about a schedule and finances would mean anything and would just delay the action of getting something in writing. I also believe I’ll be met with excuses about how he cannot afford X Y Z which really isn’t my problem..


You can file for certain terms and get it on the calendar. You don't need his permission, the man who is leaving you, to do that. Understanding this is part of dropping the rope, T. If he wants to go your separate ways, your only concern are you and the kids. His feelings about what you are doing don't matter.

File. If he wants to have a discussion about terms, fine. You don't have to agree to anything. If you do, keep your court date. H will want to do everything off the books because he thinks he can keep manipulating you. This is a man who stopped helping you financially last time around; going off the books would

I'm sorry about your professor. Sometimes certain personalities look for reasons to keep others from gaining entry to their club. It's a big problem in academia. Don't let this person get you down. You're juggling so much already, you can do anything. I know I nitpick you (which I do in an effort to help you see when you're getting in your own way), but I'm amazed by all that you're doing right now.

Quote:
The two L I have met with were pretty doomsday, as in basically H has the upper hand, he can do whatever he wants and not pay a dime, still come and go as he pleases, he can get 50/50 custody and not pay a cent, I probably won't get much alimony, etc etc.


I think you're missing that you'll get half of the assets in any D and you'll have a well-paying job. You'll be okay.

I think you're also missing that you could be doing things to help your cause right now. You've got an H who has left you twice, once right after the baby was born. Who is most likely cheating. Who doesn't come home every night. Who bought an expensive motorcycle and car toys. Who is taking illegal steroids that he has shipped to your house, which means you can document the shipments, the origins, and perhaps even take photos of the contents, because - oops - you didn't read the name on the package and accidentally opened it.

You take notes on patients, but notes on H aren't something you've kept. Your posts here are a great place to note events and dates. These won't be relevant in a no fault D, but they sure would be relevant when it comes to custody! Be smart and protect yourself. Maybe you won't need to use the information, but it's there if you need it.

And need I tell you how crucial it is to hide the information so he never finds it?

Quote:
It was something I was writing to H, but had kept it to myself just to relieve my feelings... I felt like it was something I could have written just yesterday. How odd things are.


And what was the outcome of that time in your life, T? What did you learn about yourself and your capability to live your life without H? I think that was a sign, too, and I think it was reassuring you that you did it before and you can do it again.

In some ways, you're so worried about this being the second time for H, but it's the second time for you, too. You know exactly what to do to help yourself. You do not have to put an artificial limit on anything, that if he does ____ you can't consider him again. You are strong enough to handle things as they come. Trust yourself, because you'll make good decisions even without those restrictions (the ones that you're working so hard to try to prevent from coming to fruition now, and are keeping you from dropping the rope!)

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Forgot to finish a sentence above -

"Going off the books would not be wise."

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That's why i said I want a pitbull not a poodle and why I thought getting more advice/insight from others might be helpful because what one says another one might not have thought about. I'm a pretty intelligent person (except when it comes to following advice haha) and I know there has to be other ways to what I am thinking and being told.

One L also told me nothing matters as far as how he is not involved what he does and doesn't do and if he doesn't pay that FL sides with both parents and will grant 50/50 and the only time 50/50 isn't granted is in terms of physical abuse and neglect. Last time I kept a journal of EVERYTHING and I actually still have everything from last time and was told nothing makes a difference. I may go back to the L I used last time, but the only thing was she was very very expensive and was not very courteous with her billing. We ate through a 5k retainer before even hitting mediation. But she was a free consult so I may go see her again, voice my concerns about billing last time and see what happens because she was good. She's in a different county than I am but also does cases in my county so I don't mind the drive to her.

Anyway, if you have anybody you can recommend that would be AWESOME! I've met with Rice and Peake so far. Rice is older, great huge law firm but he is kind of out of the out for blood mode, just wants to settle and avoid conflict it seemed. Peake was negative nancy that basically H could get everything he wanted and I was screwed, it's too bad because she was funny and I really liked talking to her as a person we had a good time laughing about all the crazy people she meets and that she couldn't believe how stable I appeared with my story. Swain is the one that was a minimum of 750-1000 for the consult so I cancelled that appointment. If there is someone that is only one county over and has privileges here I wouldn't mind driving if he/she was worth it.


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Hey Cadence, I always seem to be posting simultaneously with you.

yes, I know I don't need his permission, I didn't mean it that way about filing, I was asking for everyone's opinion on what you guys thought was best.

And just so you know, I appreciate the nitpicking... It helps me.

I took SO many notes last time and haven't started much but I can go back to my posts for dates. Plus, he texts me most nights when he says he is leaving work and its uusally around 9pm (he commutes like me) so I have that evidence or record to show that he obviously doesn't get to the house until 10pm.

As far as the conversation about him not coming here, I purposely have not sent it via text and only when we are in person at the house and catching H off guard because I don't want record that I told him to leave, that he could spin it around that he wasn't around the kids because I made him leave the home. So that's why I wont send it in a text.

yes the letter was a sign, but it was also a sign that maybe this isn't supposed to work out. That I'm not the person for him to keep him interested and not feeling like he has to stray off for another woman...

I took pictures of the suspension boxes and of the receipt... the steroids are in a box so I found tape to tape it back up but I'm not sure i can open it without him knowing... I'm choosing to say nothing and play the stupid little housewife so he will feel more safe to continue to do things and let his guard down, like leading a cow to the slaughter house smile


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