I'm almost done reading DR. I think I misunderstood the LRT and drop the rope technique.
Yesterday in a discussion I told her that I am preparing myself for my future without her and have an IC to help me through the process so no matter what I will come out a stronger person. We should start talking about co-parenting and schedules after she returns from her trip to visit her parent overseas. I also suggested that she should move out of MBR since she hasnt been faithful. She still denies the A btw and says he's just a friend that is helping her through this. I told her I didnt believe her. Also disclosed my plans to sell the business and home once we decide to move forward with the D. She still goes on and on about how it has nothing to do with the OM and all my fault I validated each time. Should I have not shown her all my cards.
Why are you telling her all this? Is it helping you towards your goal? Did you initiate the discussion? Do you spend more time listening or talking?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Sean, saw your message on another thread and I've just caught up on yours. It certainly sounds as if you are being challenged by a wayward wife. It may get a lot worse before it gets better, but we are going to help you avoid as many pitfalls as possible. I have several threads on the subject of the mindset of the WW. The first one has a link on the post Cadet sent you. It might enlighten you a little about what is going on with your W.
IMHO, it is not always healthy for a MR when the couple are thrown together 24/7. Instead of making the R stronger, it can begin to wear thin and one begins getting on the nerves of the other spouse. Considering the current developments, I suggest trying to put as much physical space between you and W as possible. When she's home in the evenings is the perfect time for you to go somewhere else and find something you enjoy doing. GAL does not necessarily mean socializing. It helps to be around others you know, but you can find things to do alone, too. You can even do practical things, like going to the mall and shop for new clothes, a different brand of cologne, etc. You can go to the gym, or the library, or volunteer for some benefit dear to your heart. Now here is the important key.......you don't have to give details to your W. I can tell that it is a little difficult for you not to share things with her, but I assure you things will work better in your favor if you learn to give vague responses to her nosy questions of "what, when, where, how long, who went with you, who did you see, who....who...who. You don't lie to her, but I thought it was a man's second nature to give vague answers, until I found you guys on the board.
I want to give you a very big tip about what you don't share with her. Do NOT tell her what you read on the board......unless we specifically give you an example of something to say for a precise situation. It is a dead give away that you are basically quoting something you've read. So far, you haven't messed up too badly, but I see it in the makings. . For example, don't be telling her how you are going to work on you to become a better man. I can almost see her eyes rolling from here! And guess what? The WW could care less if you work at improving yourself, in fact, the H's that make big improvements learn their WW kind of resents the fact he waited until she was done, before he decided to do it. "Why did it take me being done, for you to wake up" is the usual complaint. However, don't let that stop you from becoming a better man. Don't tell her that you may see an IC, or any of those other things. (BTW, Don't ask her out to eat, etc, just b/c it should be a special day. She wants to end her M with you)!
Don't put all your focus on trying to be a better H right now. The reason I say this is b/c too many guys start acting as if they are the W's unpaid servant around the house. That's just almost a turn-off to a WW who already disrespects him as a man. She'll only take advantage, and it feeds her entitlement to have a H who acts like her personal assistant. Therefore, focus on becoming a better man first, and the H part will follow.
Various personality types can somehow manage to have the same mindset of the WW. So much in fact, and you would swear they all read from the same handbook. We call it "following script" b/c they practically say the same b.s.
You may get sick of me talking about the WW mindset, but I try to share from what I've learned.....and truly want to help you turn things around, if possible. Unless you married a wayward woman, then I assume you've seen a stranger show up in your W's body. Actually, this has been brewing for quite some time.......maybe years. The foundation for a wayward mindset begins with resentment. Whenever she has unresolved issues about her H, they go to her heart. She may never reveal how she feels about the issue, and the H may never realize that there ever was an issue. Just b/c she doesn't talk about it doesn't mean she's okay. These old resentments often sneak in whenever she gets angry or frustrated with her H, and she'll refer to "You always xxxxx", but he doesn't get it. It's there.....in her heart, and it's brewing.
Quickly following resentment is her ever growing feelings of disrespect for her H. I mean, it goes hand in hand with resentment. The outward signs of her lack of respect may be sutle, at first. Then it grows. Her H doesn't think too much about it, or he'll tell himself to be the bigger person and won't make a big deal out of it. By the time she is disrespecting him in front of the kids, his family, their friends......he has a challenging war horse on his hands. If he doesn't stop her show of disrespect for him.....then she gets even worse. Rebellion is finally born and she begins to displays ways that clearly show her lack of respect or concern for her H, and the M. Anyone that opposes her new choices and wayward behavior are quickly removed from her list of friends and she makes new ones that support her style of rebellion.
Her behavior and temperment often rivals with that of a teenager, a drama queen, girls gone wild, and of course.....bringing a third party into the M. Privacy (code word for secrecy) becomes her defense cry, when the H begins to discover her lies. Everything is about her, b/c she is motivated by one thing........selfishness! You will see that if something does not benefit her in some way, shape, or form.....she's not interested. "This is her time to be happy", she says.
She'll lie, deceive, and cheat......while nearly forsaking her own children. Her H cannot trust her, b/c he no longer knows this woman. She's not the girl he loved and M. She probably won't "snap out of it" or "wake up" from this, but she can come out of it if certain things transpire. Due to her illogical mindset, her H will not be able to reason with her. He cannot persuad her though relationship talks, long explanations, trying to get closer, nor trying to "nice" her back. In most cases, it is not some magical words her H says. It may not even be a response to a particular action he takes. However, the culmative effect of consequences seem to work best in opening the eyes of one who is so deeply engulfed in a fantasy of her own making. This post is too long, so I will talk about that point another time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Your attitude is spot on but she will mostly discount your words. Show her. Follow the rules of the 180. Your action will speak volumes. She is living in the Fog.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I'm almost done reading DR. I think I misunderstood the LRT and drop the rope technique.
Yesterday in a discussion I told her that I am preparing myself for my future without her and have an IC to help me through the process so no matter what I will come out a stronger person. We should start talking about co-parenting and schedules after she returns from her trip to visit her parent overseas. I also suggested that she should move out of MBR since she hasnt been faithful. She still denies the A btw and says he's just a friend that is helping her through this. I told her I didnt believe her. Also disclosed my plans to sell the business and home once we decide to move forward with the D. She still goes on and on about how it has nothing to do with the OM and all my fault I validated each time. Should I have not shown her all my cards.
Hey Sean, what is your motivation for the above convo? Are you finished with her and you want to push forward with D? Or do you think this is going to "wake her up"? Because if it's the former then that's fine, but if it's the latter then it's too early for this. She's likely to agree and push forward with D except blame you for it claiming it's what YOU want (which is kind of what you portrayed above). If you are standing for your M then you should not have had this convo in any way, shape or form.
Quote:
She still goes on and on about how it has nothing to do with the OM and all my fault I validated each time.
Can you give a very specific example of what she said and what your validation was? Because I think you may misunderstand validation (which is not unusual, a lot of people misunderstand it early on). The above scenario is not really a time for validation, or an opportunity for it, so I'm confused that you say your response was to validate.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think I have read every one of your recent threads over and over. That is why I reached out to you.
I will try to be a bit more vague next time. From now on I will let my actions show as opposed to saying it. The IC part is too late as I already told her about it. I just wont mention it again.
She complained about something needed to be done around the house and told me that I should have done it if I wanted to show her that I am serious. I asked her if I got it done first thing tomorrow morning what would that change, no answer. So being a servant around the house in not an issue. Btw I havent done things she has asked me to do.
There was some disrespect happening in her conversations at work. So I took her to the side and told her it needs to stop right away. She went on and on justifying it and I listened, when she was done I told her again it needs to stop. She has complied so far since then.
Definitely not sick of you talking about it because I need all the knowledge I can get. I can now see the resentment builtup over the years and I understand where she is coming from. I have decided not to have any R talks or D talks, but there is something else you should know. I think she may have seen my notes on my phone when I was sleeping. There was a list including no R talks No OM talks in plain words not abbrevated also included my gym goal, among other things in a point format. No mention of my source for the knowledge. How bad is that if she has seen it.
She is going away to see her family overseas with S9 for 3 weeks. She plans to discuss D with her family when she is there. Also her birthday is approaching while she is with her parents. Do I send her a message or ignore it. I dont know if she would have given her parents the news by then.
Thank you for taking the time. The goal is definitely the latter and looks like I messed up.
So e.g. that her wanting to leave has nothing to do with the OM but has to do with everything that happened over the years. I said I agree with her and everything prior to the 'A' was my fault. I also said yet it was her decision to have an EA while being m and I will not be blamed for that. Looks like I messed up here as well. She mentioned several incidents where she felt I devalued her and I just said I understand and kept quiet. She did most of the talking.
