I've been lurking around the forums last few days looking for answers. Got some very valuable information.
Been married for almost 13 years; we have a family business and we have worked together almost every day since. Have one S9. We both belong to traditional families. Her parents and mine are overseas (different countries).
We have had nothing but arguments in the last few years, where they have gotten worse over time. Most of which I believe were my fault, as I always had a problem forgiving. She had mentioned D in the past but this time it was serious. She will be visiting her parents next month, she said she will be letting them know about her decision.
In the last few months I realized it had become harder to reason with her, when we had arguments, which I now know; it's because she has stopped trying. When I got the BD I had confronted her about OM, I thought she had been talking to. She admitted that she met him last year in a bar, and they were nothing but friends; I told her i didn't believe her. I broke all the DB rules that day and for another 2 days afterwards. Then I discovered this forum and my eyes opened. I have been DBing since then, focusing on GAL. Spending time with S9 and exercising. I have tried to detach but her actions are very upsetting. So I have been faking detachment. She stays out all night, neglects our s9, ignores the business, and has increased her interaction with OM. On the day of the BD she said that she doesn't want to work on the M as it has only dragged her and now it's time for her to find her happiness.
We are still in the same house living d2d and working together d2d. She has walked out of work for an 'appointment' and hasn't returned till next morning to get ready for work again. All classic signs of WW.
I have so much more info to give but S9 is looking for attention, I have to get back to him. My first question is if I somehow tell her the term WS ( not abbreviation) and ask her to look it up online in our next interaction. Will it hurt my efforts or may have a positive effect. I just want her to see the definition online and maybe buy some time, so she doesn't make her decision by next month.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: These are known as the homework.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My first question is if I somehow tell her the term WS ( not abbreviation) and ask her to look it up online in our next interaction. Will it hurt my efforts or may have a positive effect. I just want her to see the definition online and maybe buy some time, so she doesn't make her decision by next month.
See previous post.
I sure hope if you play a team sport that you dont tell the other team your plays in advance,
She seems to think that when she spends the night out, I believe her when she says she is her friend's house. (Another female same age as her). I don't believe her, and I don't wanna ask her friend as it may make matters worse. Her and OM use one of the msging app, so there is no track of it in the phone records, however the first time after the BD she spent the night away, she sent a tm that she spent the night at a friend's and she is not well, so she won't be coming home or to work. I replied no prob hope u feel better. Next day I logged into the phone account got a number she sent a tm to at 2am. It was the OM's number. The fact that I know this and I wanna wait till the dust is settled with her trip to her parents ( Allowing cake-eating for a couple of months. How bad is this decision?
Thank you for that Cadet. I will definitely follow your advise.
Is there an E-book version of either of the two books?
I have had nothing but disgusting behaviour towards her, and till now I believed we were both at fault and I wasn't forgiving enough and moving on. I wish I would have gotten help sooner.
It's unfortunate that it took a BD for me to get my acts in check. But now I am willing to do what it takes to make it work. I know it will be a marathon and not a sprint.
I have been GALing to an extent, 180 and following DB rules for the most part. One thing that always eats me away is the anxiety caused by the thoughts of her with OM and worse of all not knowing if she will come home tonight or in the morning. and it has only been a week. Can someone tell me if it gets easier on the anxious mind over time.
Another thing, anniversary coming up in 3 days. Decided not to wish her or do anything about it. Do you guys agree? She had clearly stated, that she has no intentions of R during the BD, right after I begged an pleaded and followed her around the house like a puppy.
Her bday in 3 weeks when she will be overseas with her parents, If I don't wish her or call her, her parents may wonder. S9 will be with her as well.
btw S9 has gotten close to me during this period and has been upset about her not being there for him.
