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cool thanks all...back on the horse. I will see her again tomorrow morning as I am going to bring my kids doughnuts and see them one last time before I leave for the weekend. I will be in my wife's apartment so I will listen to some Metallica on the way over and tell myself to not get sucked into any relationship talk back on the bus and moving forward!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Hello SmokeyD,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.

It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words. Don't take the bait next time she does a temperature check on you.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Thanks I am learning and will move on. I did speak to her later this afternoon and I was upbeat, funny etc. She wanted to know if our D had basketball practice tonight. She was stuck in a restaurant because it was raining and she commented how she could not afford to take the kids to lunch due her budget. She picked an apt with $1700 a mth in rent so unfortunately she does not have a lot of spending money. I told her yeah that stinks then she made a comment about how the kids will not have a good Christmas this year. I just said it is' tough and left it at that. I will see her again tomorrow morning before I leave town for the weekend. I am stopping by her apt to see my kids and take them doughnuts. I will keep the conversation light and wear some new clothes! smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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She also asked to give me a ride to the airport tomorrow which I declined.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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Hi everyone, back from my weekend get away with my two best friends. Not much has changed since she told me she wanted a D on Memorial Day......it has been 3 full weeks since she moved out. Contact still limited to only text messages about the kids, pick up and drop off times. I still have not been served with D papers however her heart has not softened yet. I am fully aware that there could also be an A going on however I still have no proof.

Last time I saw her and my kids was Friday morning before I left town. I stopped by her apt and brough my kids doughnuts. We had a cup of coffee she showed me some pics of what her and the kids have been doing and we also discussed finances. No relationship talk at all....I was there for a total of 30 mins or so. I will see them again tonight as I am picking up my kids after work. Will try to keep the conversation light!

I just got back from the gym so I am feeling good at the moment. The feelings still come in waves and I find the hardest time is when I have the kids not knowing what she is doing. I have made a couple of mistakes along the way with the DBing principals (a couple slip ups of relationship talks and still looking out for her) but overall I feel as though I have kept my distance, don't bother her at all with phone calls, etc. I know my emotions are still up and down however I am doing my best to live in the moment and realize that the person that my wife currently is is not the person I married. It is still hard to believe someone who I shared 16 years of my life with could be so cold and emotionless. I still think of the conversations we had a year ago about how I was her rock and she could not imagine her life without me and the kids and wonder how we got to this point. Unfortunately she offers no explanation for me to have an undersatnding of what I did wrong.

Oh BTW........I had some grey hair and my buddies talked me into dying it.......Just for Men just dropped 5 yrs off my life smile!!!! Now that is a 180!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted By: SmokeyD
it has been 3 full weeks since she moved out. Contact still limited to only text messages about the kids, pick up and drop off times. I still have not been served with D papers however her heart has not softened yet.


No, not after only 3 weeks of S. It's going to take much longer, six months or even a year or more before she really starts softening towards you. I know that's not good news but I want you to have realistic expectations.

Quote:
No relationship talk at all....I was there for a total of 30 mins or so. I will see them again tonight as I am picking up my kids after work. Will try to keep the conversation light!


OK I'm going to nick you a little on this because...

Quote:
but overall I feel as though I have kept my distance, don't bother her at all with phone calls, etc.


...it doesn't sound to me like you're keeping your distance. Believe me I know all too well the lure of trying to linger and chat with a WAS, but it is not helping. Try to create more space. Be a little more business-only with her.

Quote:
I still think of the conversations we had a year ago about how I was her rock and she could not imagine her life without me and the kids and wonder how we got to this point.


Oh man, I KNOW!!!! My W did the same thing, about 6 months before BD she told me in tears I could not let anything happen to me because she could not live without me. 6 months later- nuclear bomb. It's been 5 years and I STILL don't get it!

Quote:
Unfortunately she offers no explanation for me to have an undersatnding of what I did wrong.


Honestly, you may not have done anything wrong other than the typical "guy stuff" of not nurturing her enough in the M. We beat ourselves up after BD but a lot of the time BD has everything to do with the WAS and little to do with the LBS. Let go of that need to know, because there is no answer coming! She probably doesn't know why she did it herself.

Quote:
Oh BTW........I had some grey hair and my buddies talked me into dying it.......Just for Men just dropped 5 yrs off my life smile!!!! Now that is a 180!!


Hahaha! Mine turned silver which I like. My chest hair turned grey which I didn't like. So I shaved it all off, ha!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Ok got it, no more lingering. I can implement that. It has only happened a couple of times in the three weeks but I know she will want to talk to me tonight about my trip to Nashville. I will have a goal of 5 to 10 min in and out!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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Just reached out to my wife to tell her I would pick the kids up at 5 tonight. She said ok and proceeded to text me 4 pictures of what her and the girls were doing along with a picture of her with them. Why??? She wants a D why include yourself in the picture and the little project you are working on?? Anyway, I will wait an hour or so and then respond with something like...looks fun. Geez.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,121
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Originally Posted By: SmokeyD
Just reached out to my wife to tell her I would pick the kids up at 5 tonight. She said ok and proceeded to text me 4 pictures of what her and the girls were doing along with a picture of her with them. Why??? She wants a D why include yourself in the picture and the little project you are working on?? Anyway, I will wait an hour or so and then respond with something like...looks fun. Geez.


Hi SmokeyD,

Glad you had a fun weekend!

Good job on not taking the bait of her complaining about how little spending money she has available. She is trying to engage you in a conversation with no possible good outcome. Keep it up!

Do you need to respond to the texts/pics?

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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Went and picked up my kids from the W. She met me at her apartment and commented on my hair since i dyed it and got rid of the grey. She said it made me look younger without an ounce of interest. We made small talk in the apartment for about 10 min while she packed up the kids bags. She asked me how my trip was and I kept it general, no details. She also asked me if I could watch the kids tomorrow as well said she needed a break. I told her I had plans tomorrow night but I did not tell her what and she did not ask. She then said nevermind and we got into the car together to drive to the pool to get the kids. They were playing pool inside the clubhouse so she introduced me to her friend and her friends kids and hung out there for about 10 mins. It was kinda of awkward with her friend there but I stood on the opposide of them and just chatted until the girls finished their game. I left and confirmed I would drop them off at 8 am tomorrow. I asked my girls if I should keep my hair and they said yes which mean I am now a Just for Men member.

Having no expectations is critical I guess I thought my wife would be more interested than what she was.

Anyway I felt good, strong and it's amazing how detached you can get when the other person is so cold and not interested.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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