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So why never responded to my miss or call text message this am. Part of me wants to call her and WTF? Why didn't you respond. However that would not be detaching correct? That would mean her actions still controlled my emotions?


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Originally Posted By: SmokeyD


Even though I do not have any papers yet I do feel as though my W is not going to change her mind no matter what I do.


She won't, for now. Is there anything you've read here or in the books to make you think otherwise? This is indeed a marathon just like we keep saying. This needs more patience then you've ever had for anything in your life.

Quote:
I took our D's rock climbing on Sun and sent her some videos of it.


Why? Are you looking for excuses to contact her? Just stop it, give her time and space and DETACH. Detached = you take the kids rock climbing and have a blast and never even think about contacting your W.

Quote:
Still no word from my W on D....our D's are in soccer camp this week from 8:30 to 11:30 so we will see if she has time this week to consult with a L since before her excuse was money.


Quit obsessing over the D papers! Get out, GAL. Work on yourself. If the papers come then deal with it. But don't be surprised if they don't. If you can remove the pressure from her she will likely just keep postponing it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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True Stander, thanks. I feel like I am doing good with GALing but I am struggling with what to do differently, like from a 180. I really don't know how my wife views me in her eyes however I think some of it stems from me being a little depressed over the past year, gaining some weight and not taking care of myself as much. She always complained about our dogs, not having wood floors in the house and we needed to get our shutters fixed. My wife is the creative person in our family, she is constantly trying new things from attempting to write a short story, creating her own photography business, etc. none of which mounted to anything but it was the exercise of doing it that she enjoyed. I am not wired that way, I enjoy sports, being outside, yard work, being active, etc. I am laid back person so a 180 for me could be being more aggressive, opinionated, things like that. Hard for her to see some this since she has moved out. I guess I don't necessarily know where to start. I hope that makes sense.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Would putting in wood floors and getting rid of the dogs be a 180 or is that just sucking/being too obvious? Technically it would be a 180 since I told her we didn't need the floors and I couldn't get rid of our dogs. Obviously she didn't leave for these reasons but they (at least the dogs were probably catalysts).


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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It sounds like you didn't listen to your w or if you did, you didn't take her seriously. How can you do a 180 on that? Floors and dogs are big acts so maybe start with some smaller things or better yet, try really listening to others. Do this for you to become a better person for yourself and all your relationships.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Wow,
My WAW wanted the carpets upstairs replaced by hardwood floors while we were trying to work it out too. I must admit that when she initially asked, I was going to "compromise" by doing it, but when she then started talking about divorce, so i shifted my stance by refusing to put any additional money into the house to raise the value we'd have to split.

As Gordie points out, only do it right now if you want to do it. If it helps the sitch, perhaps do the hardwood flooring, but keep the dogs (nothing like the love of a dog you know). It'd be a win because it be easier to clean up any dog hair off of wood floors vs carpet...


Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10;
HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17
Kids Together D4, D1.52
W Moves Out: 03/16/17
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D Final: 10/23/17
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She had been nagging on me about the carpet and dogs before she to me she wanted a D. I know those are big things but if my W was feeling trapped and those things were stressors in her life would it be wise for me to eliminate them or would that be too obvious? The other things she had complained about I have rectified, lost 20 lbs, bought new clothes, got new underwear :), not wearing the same t-shirt more than once, etc.

On the other hand I had a good night last night, my neighbor came over for about 3 hours. We had a glass of bourbon and talked about life, my goals and what my purpose is. The W sent me text picture of our girls eating ice cream around 8 pm but I didn't respond. It seemed like a temperature test (obviously she was thinking of me) and my neighbor was over so I was busy GALing.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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See it as a victory that you didn't receive divorce papers. The longer she takes to do it the more she is still deciding.

As to renovations. It made me think of a conversation my W and I had. She said a month or so ago how the master bedroom didn't feel like her room anymore. I suggested we could change it and she seemed relieved. Maybe what our Ws are saying here is that a change in scenery would be a good thing. My W. talked about other renovations and painting the wall and maybe rearranging furniture and buying some new ones. This may actually be something to consider doing.

And if she asks just say: you know what you have been trying to get me to do this for years and I regret I didn't do it sooner but I just wanted to do it now because even though we are not together at this moment I want to respect that this was important to you.

I think what is happening here is that we as men sometimes make promises that we don't keep. It's not that we cannot do something. But our Ws are upset that we say we will do it but we don't come through.

So if you have a tendency to do that maybe actually doing this will be a good thing. Just don't say it too obvious. If she asks I think acknowledging that you didn't live up to your promise from years ago might be a validation to her. Don't go into debt for these things either of course.

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I never promised her to do it, the floors were something that she wanted and I didn't pursue it because of money. I didn't put the same level of importance on it that she did. Same with the dogs, we have had them for 14 years (since we first got married) but she got to the point to where she didn't want them any more. I really am tired of them as well however they are old and the only option I could see would be just putting them down even though they are healthy. They probably only have a couple years max left anyway and most people don't want to adopt old pets.

Again I know these are big things but doing them would be a 180 along with some of the other personal things that I am aware of that I already have addressed.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Me-70, D37,S36
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