Married for 14 yrs together for 16. Two D's 8 and 6. Memorial Day said she wanted a divorce. Told me she loves me but is not in love with me anymore and is not physically attracted to me. I am 44 and she is 43. Thought we had a great life, no major fights, no major arguments. I am a family man who has always been there for my children and wife. Am a good provider, don't go out bars, etc. just your normal laid back, easy going guy. If I am guilty of anything it is taking my wife for granted and I think I had become depressed over the last yr or so due to a recent job change. Wife had complained about me in the past being on the couch all the time and/or computer. I had also probably gained like 10 lbs Even though this I still worked out and played basketball a couple days a week.
Looking back I noticed several signs that she is probably having an A however I have no proof (may emotional, could be physical but obviously something has sparked her interest) and when I confronted her she denies it. She started working out, fake tanning, fake eyelashes, going out with friends more, sleeping in spare bedroom (at first I thought this was because of our daughter who would wake up in the middle of the night)and when we would go out together she would drink and be rude to me. I did snoop once on our on-line wireless account but did not find anything. Since coming to this site and reading I have since stopped that.
After she told me she wanted a Divorce she told me two days later she changed her mind and wanted to work on it. She told me I needed to be more of a leader. One week later she went out with some friends, came home drunk and told me she never had any intentions of working on it that she just did that to make me feel better. Two days later we went out with some friends and later that evening she changed her mind again and said she wanted to work on it. The very next week she called me on the phone and said she had been looking at apartments. I said ok and she gave me a move out date of 8/31. I told her I could not go on all summer on this emotional roller coaster and I asked her how soon she could get in. She told me in 3 days, I asked her if that is what she wanted to do and she said yes. (Maybe I should not have done this but at the time my thought process was to set her free)
Two weeks ago I helped her move out, she got her own credit card and has opened up her own bank account. She has a job so the money she has is the money she earns (I did take away our joint credit cards).
I have been practicing detaching and working on myself. I started playing the guitar again, working out 3 to 4 days per week, have dropped 15 pounds, started going to church and even picked up reading. Last week I went out with friends every night and this weekend have been very active with my children. It has been hard but I feel I am making progress.
Last week I did ask my wife about when we were going to sit down and talk about how we were going to separate things for our Divorce however she seemed as though it hasn't even been on her mind due to money (at least that was her excuse). She has also told people that we will be getting divorces as well (seems like her mind is made up) Outside of me asking that day I don't call, text, inquire, snoop etc. about anything she is doing. I have not pursued, reached out or anything. I have essentially let her go and she has not reached out to me either. Any conversation is only about the kids surrounding pick up times. When I see her I try to keep it up beat and act like I am doing well.
Would love to here thoughts from anyone else, suggestions, etc. Thanks for reading!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm still reading up on the wealth of information both in threads (on this and other forums) and in books (DB and DR on the way). That caveat up front on not being the expert on how things go over here...
First, I'd listen to what she has said so far. The big thing i pick out of your description is that she wants you to be a leader. Think about what she means by that. A few questions. Did she take the kids with her? Do you only see them on weekends? How involved are you with the kids? How was she rude to you while drinking (what comments/criticism was said)?
I'd say take the leadership like she says and set up a session with a counselor and try and work on the R. You owe it to the kids (and your time with them) to at least try. I'd fight at first to let her know you want to save the R. I read somewhere the line "you don't need her,you want her". Show that attitude, and fight for it until its obvious you are the only one fighting. Perhaps you are already there though and she refuses counseling. Then perhaps use the session for yourself to get a counselor up to speed for the possibility she does decide to go in. If she is not receptive, you've got no choice but detach, which sounds like you are doing already. She seems to be flipping back and forth so a concentrated effort to get a dialog going within the counselor confines (or outside it if you could actually talk to her) may get you to what her issue with you is and you can go from there (or not).
Barring the Qs above, it sounds to me like you are only involved in the kids lives on the weekends. I'd also start getting allot more involved in the kids lives. I don't know how you feel about custody, but would you want it if the opportunity presented itself? Either way, if she has the kids you are losing time with the kids during the week by her moving out (assuming she took the kids with her). Ask for more time with them.
Hope this helps.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
Thanks. I am very involved with my children. I take them to practices, go to their school events, attend all of their games. I have had them for the last three days and they will be with their mom tomorrow. My wife has the summers off so currently she has them during the week, I get them on Wednesdays and then every weekend.
I suggested marriage counseling to her however she wanted no part of it. When we would be out drinking she would turn very cold towards to me, kinda of like she had an attitude and was better than me. Before she moved out I told her I wanted to fight and would fight. However when I press her on what more I can do she can't tell me anything. Says stuff like you are a great man, husband etc. and there is no reason why I shouldn't want to be with you however there is something inside that is telling me "no". Says she feels as though I am content with my life and she is not ready to be in that stage. Says I just feel it in my bones that I can't live my life this way.
She also would get angry when I would try to get more information from her so at some point I just stopped. All of this happened before I moved out. Unfortunately I don't have much concrete information which is why I feel like it is a MLC.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Welcome to the community. By your introduction, it sounds as if you are on the right path. Letting go is not easy, but it is the best move whenever you have a W that doesn't feel love for you and claims she wants a divorce.
Whether she is in an affair or acting as if she's auditioning for Girls Gone Wild........not pursuing her and getting a life for yourself is a must. So, good job at working on you, losing weight, and filling up your calendar with fun activities.
As you post, we can learn more about your situation. If I had to guess, you are nice guy who settled into married life and raising a family,........ and maybe, just a bit too easy going where your W was concerned. You found it easier to just go along with most of what she wanted, while you laid back and watched tv or occupied your time on the computer. As with most men, you felt your main responsibility was providing for your family......so after a day at the job, you could relax.
Over time, your W seemed to have become agitated with you.......but you weren't sure why. You couldn't put your finger on the problem, but your W seemed to hold some type of anger in her that stayed just below the surface. The more you tried to be laid back and easy going, the more irritated at you she could become.......even over very minor issues.
Does this sound anywhere close to your life? If so, then I suspect your W was slowly losing some respect for you over the years. It happens in many, many MR's. You see, a woman needs to feel admiration for their H. You guys like to be admired, right? There is something in a woman that is not talked about nearly enough. Her feelings of being in love with her H is tied to the level of respect she has for him. After the wedding and they settle down to real life, they are going to experience a lot of things, but most of it will be day-to-day small stuff. Strangely enough, how we handle the small stuff affects our intimate relationships. Often times, a woman can feel resentment about how her H handled something (or that he did nothing), but she tells herself it sounds too petty to make a big deal out of it. So, she pushes her feelings down and it turns into unresolved issues. After a few years of unresolved issues.......there is lot of resentment growing in her heart. Guess who is the target? Her H, of course. Eventually, it begins to tear away the respect she had for him. Although he may be a good guy and works hard for his family......her feelings for him have been affected by resentment and her respect for him as a man begins to drop. He may not fully realize this is going on in the heart of his W, b/c she does not talk in a way that is clear. She talks in codes, and therefore, he usually has no clue as to the real problem.
When resentment and disrespect has continued to grow, she will begin to rebel. At first, it may be in subtle ways, but if it goes unchecked......she can go into full rebellion. Her mindset and behavior are wayward. She rejects her H, the M, and their lifestyle. Whether secretly or openly, she begins acting out as if she is a completely different person. Her standards or moral conduct usually drop, and she engages in behavior she had never condoned in the past. Her selfishness is staggering, and it motivates everything she does. Everything is about her. She often forsakes old friends and makes new ones who enable her wayward lifestyle. The H, children, parents, etc., are left bewildered and asking what happened to the woman she used to be.
The good news is that your M can be saved! You have started on the right foot. I encourage you to stick with us and post every day. FWIW, I was much like the woman described above. My M was saved, and I give a lot of credit to the DB board. So much in fact, that I have hung around here in hopes of passing forward the help I was given.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That 1000% sounds like my wife. Looking back I sacrificed myself for the sake of my marriage. I supported her and watched the kids when she went out for happy hours, shopping, etc. Even when she wanted to sleep in or take naps I was always there for her. I helped with household chores and was always available to assist or take the lead with the children, picking them up from school, etc. Towards the end, before she moved out I started to feel taken advantage of. I always thought I was doing the right things but I guess your right I guess she probably did lose respect for me since I did not have a life of my own outside of the family.
So as of right now I started going to church and taking my daughters on Sundays, picked up the guitar again, started reading, getting our shutters fixed in the front room (she always complained about them being broken), hitting the gym losing weight, and doing things without her. I have detached completely and never ask or talk about our relationship, everything is about our girls.
That helped me allot as well, thanks for posting. My story is too long to write separately (i've tried, but i ) but there are striking similarities to my situation except that mine is further along than SmokeyD's. Wish i would have found this site earlier.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
That helped me allot as well, thanks for posting. My story is too long to write separately (i've tried, but i ) but there are striking similarities to my situation except that mine is further along than SmokeyD's. Wish i would have found this site earlier.
To keep from hijacking SmokeyD's thread, although my WAW did go to conselling, as Sandi pointed out, it was all about her. The words "no compromise" came out of her mouth quite a bit. Effectively with your wife not wanting to go to counseling, your result is the same.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
Wife just texted and asked me she could come get the girls for tonight. I was supposed to have them until tomorrow but I guess she was missing them and probably feeling guilty. I will see them again on Wednesday night and Thursday. I am going out of town next weekend to see my 2 best friends from Kindergarten. Once I told them what I was going through they told me I needed to come for a visit ASAP!
Wife came to the door and initiated a side hug. I responded appropriately with giving one back and no talk about relationships, etc. I informed her our oldest was struggling with her allergies today and I told her I gave her allergy medicine. My daughter was playing the guitar when she arrived so I assume she took notice. I gave both my girls a hug, told them I loved them and that I would see them on Wednesday. I told my wife see ya later and out the door they went.
Since she moved out I always felt nervous every time I was going to see my wife. I was not sure what to say or how to act. This time I felt much more comfortable and tried to act like everything was normal. I must say I felt better and more confident which I attribute to this board! I am soo glad I found it!!!
I will be in the dark now until Wednesday afternoon when I will text my wife to let her know what time I will pick up the girls. Past practice would indicate I won't hear from her tonight or tomorrow however I will update.
