From the other side of the mountain (pt.8)

[Gordie]

So how did you go from in charge to walked on? What changed in you? And how did you reverse it?

[SBJ]

Gord, after we were married at 23 and 21 we quickly moved to the big city and began our life together. She got involved in a company that somewhat brainwashed her into thinking that she needed to move 3 hours away to be able to make real money. That was when I should have stood up and said no, but we spent about 2 years apart except about every other weekend. We were basically living as we were single. It wasn't what I wanted, but I never spoke up. Towards the end of the second year she confided in me that she'd been unfaithful.Upon hearing that I basically gave an ultimatum of either D or her coming home and us trying to heal our M. We lasted 20 years and three kids and now she says that D is the answer.

Once she came home in 1996 is about when I think I changed. I guess I did the Mr. Nice guy thing so as not to rock the boat. I bent over backward to do everything for her and give everything to her. Little did I know that she probably needed someone to set ground rules and lead her. Not in a chauvinistic way, but in a Godly manner.

[skm0619]

SBJ.....I remember telling my H "if you let me, I will walk all over you." Definitely not one of my prouder moments, but it honestly was the truth.

For me, I think I knew that I could get away with certain things because H was pretty passive, and I definitely had the stronger personality of the two of us (still do to this day). And I also knew that he would do the "Mr Nice Guy" thing too because he didn't want my wrath But looking back, it was probably my way of controlling things in our relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is, what you said about someone needing to set ground rules, or in my case, some boundaries, is true.

[Kylo]

We can only control what we can control and can only believe what we are open to believing. I won't argue with anyone on how they feel, but I can only say that after we have been hurt as bad as we have been, it will take a long time to heal and to reform any of our feelings as to what it truly means to love or be loved.

I think that our spouses that have left us are acting on "feelings". When you give yourself to someone and choose to "love" them for the entire duration of your wedding vows, there is nothing that you won't do to make things work. When they are acting on their feelings, it doesn't quite work that way. They will go with the wind as long as they feel they should be doing it.

I like the old story of the elderly couple that had been married for 50+ years. When asked how they survived such a long marriage, the husband said that they never fell out of love with each other at the same time, but always stayed committed to one another during their marriage.

SBJ, you hit the nail on the head here. Acting on "feelings" alone will get you into some big trouble. Feelings don't have to be disregarded, but logic and principals need to be your guide. I don't know if we can link to outside sources, but if anyone is interested Google "Ravi Zacharias The Will To Do" for a great piece on the role of will in a marriage.
Psych 101: The infatuation phase of "love" only lasts 18 months. You better have more than "feelings" if you want to last.
I think we are at a severe disadvantage only having one word for "love" that doesn't convey the evolving nature of the romantic love relationship.

[Kylo]

I told a friend after our first date that she was the one. I didn't tell her of course, but it was true. Her mother told me later that my W told her the same thing after dating for 2 weeks. How can we be so sure about something at some point in our lives and then simply let that dream die? It is truly sad.


I had a similar experience with my H and I. I knew we would marry within about three months of dating. I just knew it. He told me the same thing.

Now he says things that just break my heart.

I don't get it either.

Was it really THAT bad?

No it wasn't that bad. Remember, If the spouse is in MLC you can expect them to rewrite history and say it was that bad, that they were "faking it".

[SBJ]

Skm and Kylo...thanks for the comments.

Skm in retrospect because I was made to feel inferior 20 years ago due to her infidelity I allowed her to walk all over me for so long. I lost who I was and what I wanted. At the same time, when I love I'm in 100% and will do whatever it takes to make it work. Maybe to a fault. I'm finding myself again and hope to realize what I want for me and my family. Not relying on her desires because that has put us where we are now.

Kylo I agree with you about the evolution of love in a marriage. Our MLCers are stuck in this infatuation stage and think or feel that every day of a M should be this giddy puppy love feeling. That isn't reality.

The reality is that we work thru all of the stages of love and commitment and grow together as husband and wife. But that only works if both spouses are willing to do that. If one wants out they cannot be forced. my W has chosen to leave and thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. While I'm convinced she is wrong, I cannot tell her that. She will see sooner or later.

At this point all I can do is control what I do for myself and my wonderful kids. They deserve better than what she is doing, but I know that God can use this trial as a testimony if that is in His will. Only time will tell.

[SBJ]

Gordie and I are having the same kind of rough week. I know it is all about PMA, but for some reason I have been flying off the handle this week about some small stuff. As I said to Gordie this morning, seems like I should be done with this 26.2 mile marathon by now. That is my impatience talking. That is the one big thing that I am trying to work on thru this trial.

My wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I can honestly say that I am not sure what I am feeling about it. Last year (#22) it was just a month after BD and she laughed when I gave her her anniversary gifts. I always give a fun gift and a serious gift...I'm weird that way I guess, but when someone laughs at both of them and says that they didn't think that we were doing gifts then it makes for some weird times.

BD to move out was 4 months...crazy fast. No time to work on things. She just left. That means that 3 months from now, my W will have been gone for an entire year.

I have two friends that are IC's that I get to spend time with in a semi-professional manner. One is a family friend and one is a personal friend. Both are pro-marriage and are wonderful Christians. Sometimes it is serious and sometimes it is over dinner, but either way it helps me work on me. I know that my W is seeing a counselor, but it is not for her personally, because she doesn't have a problem. She is seeing the counselor to work on the relationship with her and her sister.

I have had a conversation with my MIL twice over the last few weeks. One was about an hour long and I was able to tell her that I forgive her and release the resentment I was holding towards her and the other was a short one. The odd thing about both of them was that she was balling during both. One of my counseling friends says she probably feels a ton of guilt because she sees her daughter doing the same thing she did. While I am not a pro it does seem like this is the case. My MIL is a true enabler and seems to do whatever her daughters want no matter the circumstances.

I think it is time to pull the punching bag back out.


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4

[Gordie]

SBJ,

I totally get you. Being a divorced against your will single dad is super stressful. Punching bag sounds good! And the wedding annniversary? Maybe take time out to do something you enjoy or buy yourself a present. Don't stew. Recognize when you are out of whack and apologize to the kids when you wrong them. It's humbling and a great example. We aren't perfect. We will have our good days and bad days. And God is always present.

Two other thoughts:

Seems like you are still keeping tabs on XW.

I'm surprised you still talk to your in laws.

Are these things helping or hurting you?

[bttrfly]

{{{{{SBJ}}}}}

I know what you mean about the anniversary - what would have been our 23rd was 7/16. I"m still trying to get my footing back.
I cannot believe I'm 4 months into the third year of this mess, and 7 months post D there's no sign of exh having any regrets.

Yes, take out the punching bag. Doing something physical will help your serotonin levels.

I think Gordie's advice is sound.

xoxoxoxo

[SBJ]

Two other thoughts:

Seems like you are still keeping tabs on XW.

We have a business together along with other family. It is near impossible to go totally dark. Plus she contacts me regularly regarding the kids because we are prepping for back to school.

I'm surprised you still talk to your in laws.


1. My MIL contacted me twice and I have responded to her questions both times. I don't go out of my way.
2. My FIL is a business partner and a friend. He is also someone that totally understands what I am going thru since my MIL put him thru the exact same thing. He totally disagrees with the D. He is a good support for me and the kids.
3. I will always hold nothing but respect towards them. I disagreed with the MIL and her actions, but I think that she cannot help herself, because she is an enabler. I feel that she is feeling guilt, but that doesn't affect me at all. I can only do me and pray that all of my extended family is reconciled to the best of its ability. It is in a total downward spiral right now.

Are these things helping or hurting you?
Neither of these bother me at all. They have been like parents to me for 26 years...hard to cut someone out of our lives...we aren't going thru MLC. Right?