Reality check - 6 lbs is not a big difference on anybody (unless you're 3'2").
But since you're obsessing - you can still do arm weights, crunches, wall pushups, even a hand bike if your gym has one (mine used to but it's gone now I'm afraid).
Very strange, I haven't been able to log in at work. I guess security is tight.
Not much new going on. Had a great weekend with friends. Began PT last week. It's going well and I am mostly doing my exercises. I rode the bike for 5 minutes and that was exciting. Saw my IC for the first time since this happened. Got some feelings off my chest.
I am struggling, That's no lie. I am overwhelmed with lots to handle on my own.
I dropped D9 off at her dad's today and I had to pee, so I went inside. His mother was there and she asked if D9 gave me my "special gift". She hadn't yet, so she handed it to me. It was a crystal bell that had a butterfly handle and said "1979 Happy Mother's Day" She thought I was born in 1979, I wasn't going to tell her I wasn't but exH did. I told her I loved the gift and that I was touched she remembered how much I loved butterflies. I really was.
I decided I am going to ask permission to have a dog. D9 has been begging and begging and begging. We are pug lovers. I think it is something this home needs. I know we are a little family her and I, but I think we both realize a little something is missing with the presence of FF being gone. For both of us, it was something that we needed in our lives and we lost it. I think having a dog is just what our little family needs to bring a little added joy, cuddles, and kisses. I pray the landlord lets us and we will adopt a pug when I recover from surgery.
Oh, and ellie, I have been doing upper body work and abs when I get a chance. It makes me feel like I am doing SOMETHING. I just don't feel so attractive lately. I figure in my recovery I'll go get my hair done. It's way too gray right now and I wanted to try that ballyage. I need to get my mojo back.
G, sorry I've been absent. I've still been following and silently sending you some positive energy. I don't have anything clever, wise or inspirational to offer but I won't let that stop me from at least telling you that we love having you as a poster on these forums and are wishing you a speedy recovery.
I think a dog would be a great idea. Dogs are about as close to perfect as anything in this world gets. Really. I've thought a lot about it, there really isn't anything bad about a dog. They are super loving, loyal, appreciative, enthusiastic, and happy. I used to think they were evolved beyond humans. I remember one acid trip when I was 18 I wrote a bunch of stuff down while I was peaking and the next morning I looked at it and it was mostly gibberish including "Animals are just people that are smart enough to have learned how to become animals". That and my hands were cut up because I had been so blown away by my kaleidoscope that I broke it open only to find out that it was just a piece of string, a marble, a short piece of colored straw, and 3 mirrors which had apparently broke and cut me. I still remember the horrible feeling of loss I had when I was just staring at that stuff in my hands wondering where the new universes of magic and color I had been convinced I was going to discover had disappeared to. I guess that's a lot like my marriage.
Anyway, excuse the trip down memory lane. Back to what matters. You and your D9 and your soon to be new perfect pet. That all sounds pretty good G. Keep us posted and hang in.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I hope that you can have a dog. Pugs are so cute and they don't get very big. I think you and your D will enjoy having a pet there to welcome you home each day and it will give your D some responsibility, i.e., care and feeding.
Hang in there and I hope the PT goes well for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Zues, thanks for dropping by. ANd sometimes just dropping by and saying what you did is like a big virtual hug, and right now that's really what I need. A hug. And a laugh, and I was really cracking up at your acid story. Sorry. But it was funny.
I believe animals are people who were smart enough to become animals, because I always said if I were to come back in another life, it would be as a dog.
Job, thank you, I hope when he comes to get the rent tomorrow I can have the conversation. I am nervous and I hope it goes positively in our direction. We truly need this in our lives. D9 said she would take care of the dog in the morning, so we shall see!
I saw IC again, we are getting what we can in before I get surgery and he goes on vacation. I told her a raw honest truth today that I am embarrassed of.
I am horribly envious of FF and his GF. Envious of FF that he didn't have to grieve me or miss me. That he was able to move on and find everything he was looking for in no time. I am envious of his GF because she got everything I had hoped to have with him. To be a part of his family, to spend time with his parents, be his date to the wedding and other family functions. To be with him and a part of his family. I am so jealous of her. I imagine him taking her to HHI like he did me and showing her all his favorite places and him sharing that with her and I am jealous. My IC understood my feelings completely. Sometimes I have to be honest about my feelings to get over them rather than to pretend like I don't have them because I shouldn't have them.
Oh, and exH called me on the way home from his game with MY volleyball team. I had PT tonight so I couldn't go. He called ot let me know they won all 3 games and he made a lot of the points. I was happy for my team while being sad for me and a little frustrated that I can't play and I need surgery and the ex gets to. It almost seems cruel. He also said he called to see how my PT went. So yeah, I am kind of jealous of him too.
One person I am not jealous of is his wife, lol. Seriously. Which is big, because at one point I was so jealous she got my husband, my family, the life I was supposed to have. But like my IC was saying tonight, he did me a favor. We were talking about the things D9 has been saying. She asked if she thinks I would have stayed with him if we were still together. I told her if the relationship wasn't causing more harm to our daughter if we were together, I would have stayed. I would have wanted to leave, but I would have stayed out of commitment. So the man did me a favor.
I needed to let that out. This stuff is happening for some sort of reason, I just don't know what it is yet.
As I was about to post my sad pity party update, my landlord came to my door to get the rent. I asked for the dog. He pretty much said no. He said he was upset the neighbors got a dog and he raised their rent. He said he would think about it, but it doesn't seem like a go. It was like the one thing I was excited for.
I'm not doing so hot emotionally lately. (duh, right?) That dog was a light at the end of a tunnel. I cry most nights and I am soooooo tired all the time. I still go and GAL with friends but tonight is stay home in my PJ's night. I am not feeling social. Just tired. The lonliness is killer. The dog was really going to help with that for the both of us. I look forward to PT because it is human interaction and the closest I get to exercise. My job is going to an office doing very repetitive non-stimulating work. I really miss my patients and coworkers and teamwork. I miss having a partner. I am pretty much back to that awful place before I met FF. At least then I had my exercise.
I did have a birthday party thing last night. One of those wine and paint things. My cousin and I had dinner before hand. She is the one cheating on her H with a much older married man. I asked her some tough questions. He still loves his wife too....... they have been married for very long. I asked how she felt being the OW. She said she does have guilt. But it's easier to deal with because she never met her. She isn't so "real". It answered some things for me. I was probably never real for OWW. Took a long time to meet. I kind of hope she feels a little crappy now that she has met me and sees I am a decent human being.
It's very surreal learning the other side of things.
Maybell, thank you for stopping by. And for helping me feel normal. I am really jealous of the both of them for different reasons, but I do think it's a valid feeling. I have been feeling a lot of envy lately. I do my best to go back and reflect on what I do have, like most of my health, my healthy daughter, job, and all that stuff. But somedays I am just envious that I can't have those things others have that I crave so much. I never really envied material things in my life. I have only envied certain types of connections and relationships. I guess my envy is embarrassing because I sound like a pouty brat who wants something she can't have. And I want to be all "you don't want me, I don't care" but I am really not that way. I am awfully sad he doesn't want me, he wants her, and it does affect me.
I always read your posts too, although I don't always post back. I love how honest you are with everyone and yourself. I have a big respect for that. And your R with your guy, well, it's pretty awesome. how you work through differences, you do have them and don't ignore them. You guys have a real, solid relationship. Keep posting, because I enjoy it as well.
I actually typed up a whole post complaining and I erased it. Who wants to listen to Debbie downer? No one I am sure.
I found my volunteer work for my last class before I graduate. I only need 3 weeks, but I had to give a year commitment to 3 hours a week for a year. It's a hospice. The woman really liked me probably because I was a hospice nurse and I know how hospice works. Good news? I think it would be nice to connect and help people again. bad news? I don't know how well I can stick to that commitment. I explained I have a child and she said in home hospice she can't come, but the rules can be bent for hospice in facilities if the families agree, so she will try to connect me with families in facilities. I think it would be a good experience for D9 when she has to come along and I think she would bring some great joy to hospice patients.
Ok, if you're not going to complain, then I'll hijack your thread and air my own complaints.
A couple of weeks ago, my British neighbor sent me an email that said, "Whilst I'm on holiday with the family in England, would you please mow my lawn." I told him I'd mow his lawn, and I did. Next he asked me to water his plants and get his mail. Then, he wanted me to take his garbage out. Then he starts calling me Hobson. That's when I realized that he thinks I'm his butler. I know he's probably going to ask me to bake some fresh spotted dick for his return from holiday. I'm not going to bake any spotted dick; that's going too far.
I feel like he's lost all respect for me. I think I'm going to go dark and just treat him like a neighbor. Should I go completely dark or just somewhat dark? Do you think I should say hi to him when I see him or should I just wave?
I never should've mowed his lawn. I knew it would come to this. I'd rather be called Jeeves. Hobson sounds like a dimwitted name. I don't like being treated like a servant. I'm a mess.
