It's the hardest situation in life. You know, your wife gives you sex, even if not as much as you'd like, and you obviously love your kids, and she's threatening to take it all away. That's tough.
I miss my daughter like crazy. And I miss having sex with my wife. But she wanted her parents to live in our house forever, even taking them on vacations. And because they are hispanic, they'd be talking spanish in the house among themselves.
If you allow her mother to stay, that gnaw in the pit of your stomach will just get worse. She clearly doesn't respect you, because if she did then she'd value your home and space and boundaries. Check out some of the content on the YT channel redonkulus.
On the flip side we'll be living together in the same house, so I'll have the time to DB and see if I can change the situation.
I'm just having trouble staying strong and also getting so frustrated at the cold, nasty looks I'm getting. But, I know she's on a plane in a couple of days, so I'll get a respite then.
A couple of questions for you, as my way of trying to get better acquainted with you. What does DBing mean to you? And, what does staying strong mean?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
For me DB'ing at the moment is the LRT, I have read the books and also downloaded Michelle's video course which I watch every few days to remind myself and also re-reading your 37 rules over and over.
That is what it means for me at the moment. I honestly don't have a plan for beyond that as things are in such a desperate position.
She is currently packing for the trip - she's going away for 2 1/2 weeks and yet is unloading half her closet, sheets, blankets, etc (remember she's going to her mom's). I made a comment which was torn down quickly.
She also told me that she is getting somewhere in her mind, but will wait for the therapy session tomorrow. My reading between the lines based on her behavior and on the way she is packing is that she's going to tell me in the therapy tomorrow that she is certain she wants out of this marriage!!!!!
Assuming that's what she says - it's going to cut like a knife - do I still with the not believing anything they say???? I'm scared for that tomorrow. Could really use some thoughts for that.
Also, should add that the only conversations we are having are her telling me what furniture she wants in her house from the place here.
I have been pretty ok on the LRT and even went out last night and got all dressed up, not telling her where I was going, etc.
All she said to me is that I can go out again today.
Not sure it's working at all!
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
Be patient, it's still way to early in your sitch. You literally just went out by yourself one time. She won't start to get curious until your going out consistently. As far as her talking about the furniture she wants, just acknowledge , but give it no real attention.
Thanks Tread, that's what I did, but it's so frustrating as she's agreed to give it 5 months and to go to therapy with me. But, she's talking like everything's already done in her mind.
So, I've been reading some of the other threads and I notice a number of comments recommending not allowing her to "have her cake and eat it" . After today, I'll have a few weeks respite and I told her that I wouldn't initiate any contact over that period (she can call in when she wants to speak to the kids).
So, when she's back - we are going to be living in the same house with the kids, how do I make sure that I can apply the above or indeed should I?
Last edited by Cadet; 08/10/1707:28 AM. Reason: Combine posts
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
Just simply try your best. If your W is worthless and being mean to you, then it won't be too hard for you. My W on the other hand when OM is not the topic of conversation is actually easy to get along with. We function very well and if you didn't know whatbwas happening between us you would assume everythingbwas going great. If anything we have proven that we can get things done together. This is the issue that I am personally having with detaching. I've lost a lot weight this Year from working out and my W keeps telling me that I need to eat more. She likes the weight loss, but she is concerned that I am not eating enough. Sobsge is constantly putting food in my face. Small, confusing glimpses of her caring.
Yes, I understand what you're saying. I know I'm painting a dark picture, but there have been tiny tiny glimmers. Same on the weight loss, though she isn't trying to get me to eat - she has complimented me a couple of times on the weight loss (my weight was a real issue to her). Also, cooking dinner for her and the kids, she has made comments to the kids about what a great cook dad is ( I haven't cooked them a meal in a very long time).
And the rare occasional touch of my hand.
All confusing - and I know I'm going to hear some tough words at the therapy session today before she flies.
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
OK, so therapy was as expected today. She said how she has spent so long trying to please others that this is now HER time and she wants her independence. She was also nasty enough that the therapist told her that she was being offensive.
Is this also part of the pattern??
Anyway, she is on a plane now with our baby (other 3 kids are with me) - and I feel like I have some breathing space.
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
Oh yeah, I've heard that one before. Now she's co-dependant, but conveniently the only change she makes in her life is getting rid of her H. Even though there are friends and family who are actually a drain on them and really contributes nothing to her life. I have heard this from my own W. But yet when things happen, she still goes to me first and foremost. Which is also a reason why she wants to be good friends after the MR. Don't fall for the nonsense.
If she really believed what she was saying, then she would make up a list of people she needed removed from her life. And you shouldn't even be on it. But like I said you are currently the only person that is on the "I need my independence list." What that is code for in my sitch "Is I want the right to sleep around without you telling me I can't."
