Guys, need some advice, I'm making alot of mistakes in the last day!
Telling the kids, their subsequent reaction and her complete lack of one has set me off kilter and I've been slipping alot!
I got angry and upset last night with her. When we went to bed, I apologized and told her that it was none of my business what she did with her text messaging, etc - just that it had been a very emotional evening.
Early in the morning our 5 and 7 years olds each came in to the room and begged us not to separate. It was so painful to hear and she just shows nothing! So, I said to her "are you sure we can look them in the eyes and tell them that we have tried everything to fix this?" OUCH! What a mistake - I knew it as I was saying it. She, of course, looked calmly at me and told me that there was nothing to fix as it was over.
Could really use some advice and support how to get back on track and over those bad backslide. Thanks all,
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
reassure your children that you will LOVE them no matter what. Do not get in a relationship talk with a 5 or 7 year old. Just hug them and tell them that you love them unconditionally.
Thanks Cadet. How do I stop talking to her? Just ignore her? We're in the same house for another couple of weeks.
It's so hard not to tell the kids the truth.
DB101 - do what works - 180 what does not. Fake it until you make it.
You are not lying to your kids - you are just not talking about it right now. Go back to telling them that you love them and will do your best to protect them.
Just don't talk with your W about anything relationship wise. As for the children just tell them that you love them and let them know that you will always nether for them. If he comes down to it and they really want to know. Then tell them that their mother doesn't want to be married. Never make it seem like a mutual agreement when it's not. WS need to be able to deal with the consequences of their choices.
I am trying not to talk about the relationship, she has made it very clear to me that we are done (though still going to couples therapy). But she keeps going there non-stop and I try to pull back, but then she gets hurt.
We do however have an awful lot of logistical issues to discuss and have to discuss.
Also, this morning, we had to check something on the kids' passports (which she has hidden from me to date) - after checking she said I could take them to put them away (I always used to hold onto them) - then she said no and took them away again saying that she's scared of me because other people told her to be careful and frightened her with this.
I then had a conversation with her and told her that I am reconsidering a number of the things we have talked about. She didn't take it well.
I also would love for the kids to know that this isn't a mutual decision, but not sure what's right.
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
OK, so after the day and seeing how hard the kids took it and also looking at the financials, I told her that it wouldn't make sense logistically or financially for her to move the kids and herself in 30 days and we quite simply can't afford it. I told her that if she stays here for the school year, I can rent a condo and give her her space. She cried and wouldn't agree.
I asked for a pause and told her that we should discuss it in our couples therapy session instead of arguing about it with no reasonable chance of either of us agreeing.
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
I am updating and hoping some of the wise on this board can give me some advice and the benefit of their experience.
So, some progress has been made. She finally looked at the numbers and heard the kids and, after a long negotiation, has decided to stay here for the academic year with the kids!! But, it involved us drawing up a written agreement that guaranteed that we would leave the country at the end of the year, live in the same house but separate rooms and some other financial terms. She also agreed to keep going to couples therapy until the end of the year, even though she has stated clearly that she wants a D and continues to say it.
After we signed the agreement, we discussed quietly over a coffee a few other things, especially a planned visit by her parents (remember her mother is here with us now which is really uncomfortable for me) in September. We agreed to ask her parents to delay it to the end of the year as we are in such a delicate position.
So, this morning, her mother tells me that she isn't intending to move her ticket dates and is still coming in September.
I waited a few hours to gather my thoughts and stay calm and just spoke to my wife about it. I mentioned that we had agreed yesterday mutually in our discussion about this. She got really angry with me and told me that it's because she's scared to express her true feelings around me. She said that if I didn't like it I could go out to a hotel while they're here (over a month).
What do I do here? I think it will be really difficult having them here then and it will be tough for me.
Also, my wife is going away on Monday for 3 weeks with the baby leaving me with the other 3 kids, which I'm really happy about as the house is just so intense.
Could really use some perspective and advice here.
Thanks
Me: 47 Wife: 39 Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1 BD: 7/4/2017 Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017 ?????
Clearly your W is already breaking the agreement you came up with. You need to put your foot down and tell her that she isn't coming. Caving into the first thing will lead to you caving into other stuff. Might make you seem like an a**, but your W is putting you in this situation. And by giving in you will lose respect. You may have insist on making her parents time at the home very uncomfortable if they show up. Being passive will not get you any points. It's just going to get you a house full of people against you.
I had so many agreements with and promises from my H. He broke them all. To this day he agrees to something and then claims he didn't.
If there is tension in the household that is affecting the children, why do you want her to stay. I didn't kick mine out until my kids asked me to, and I regret not having done it earlier for their sake.
