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Hi All,

So, I have been married 16 years and with my wife for 20 years. We have 4 young kids (9, 7, 5, 1).

We moved to the US last year. I got a great job, we live in a pretty low cost area, so could afford a nice big house and could even afford to put the kids in public school.
My wife even found an entire community of people here from her country in her language. She told me often how this was paradise and she loved living here.
We did argue over the year - same arguments that escalated and I definitely said a number of things that I deeply regret.

My family went back abroad (over 10,000 miles away) for the summer holidays, I joined for a bit, but had to come back to work.

We had an argument over the phone and, during that, my wife told me that she didn't want to come back to the US but also wanted out of the marriage in no uncertain terms. I was in complete shock and in turmoil.

We had had a breakdown in our marriage about 12 years ago where she also told me the "I love but not in love with you" and left the house. That is where I first learnt about DB'ing. We saved the marriage that time.
Sadly, I obviously haven't been practicing it well for the past few years as life and kids have taken over.

Anyway, we have numerous phone conversations over the next 10 days (all initiated by her) where she basically just laid into me and blamed for all of the wrongs in the marriage, giving examples going back 12 years. I listened to all of them (a good number were justified for sure), it was painful, but I listened and then apologized from the bottom of my heart for hurting her and told her that she is the most wonderful mother in the world to our 4 kids.

Eventually, I was able to convince to come back to the US. She arrived back a few days ago with the kids and her mother. She doesn't mind going to therapy with me, but is clear that it is useless and that the marriage is over.

Now for the hard part that I could really use some advice on. She is insisting on moving back to her country with the kids in 4 weeks and has signed them up for school there. I have told her that if we go back there now we will face financial ruin as I don't have a job there. I also really don't want to go back there - I lived there for 20 years and it is a tough country in turmoil with alot of wars and tension.
I tried to say to her that I would agree to go back once we plan the move properly and find a place to live there and a job. Her line in the sand is the school year. So, I asked her to be here for the school year here so that we could look at this sensibly.
She is not budging at all and is insisting that it's better for the kids there (they love it here and there to be fair) and that she will go insane if she has to stay here - calling it the "golden cage".
If I do let them go back and I stay here for work, she promises to come back with them every holiday.

My dilemma is what to do. If I let her go back with my kids - firstly it will tear me apart to be away from them for so long, but also I don't see how we can work on the marriage at all (even LRT) from that distance.
But, if I "force" her into staying here, I can work on the marriage slowly, but I do think she will hate me so intensely that it won't help as I will be the focus of her anger and hate every time.

I just don't know what to do. Please help.

At the moment we are in the same house and she is talking to me incessantly about how awful I was. It's tense and horrible and I have begged her just for a cease-fire (I lost my technique here) and let's enjoy the kids together. We are sleeping in the same bed and the only minutes of warmth are holding hands for a few minutes in bed.

She also wants to tell the kids tomorrow that we are ending the marriage.

I can't use any of the techniques with this time factor in my face, advice please please.


Me: 47 Wife: 39
Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs
S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1
BD: 7/4/2017
Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017
?????
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Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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whywhy Offline OP
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Thanks so much Cadet.

I will go through the list.

The question is though, do I let them go when they are likely to never come back or try to get them to stay (which I think is better for the kids, but my W will be miserable), which will give me time to work on the marriage?

She wants a decision in the next day or so as she wants to tell the kids today.

Thanks,


Me: 47 Wife: 39
Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs
S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1
BD: 7/4/2017
Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017
?????
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
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Why why,

Sorry to hear about your sitch. You need to contact a lawyer right now. And find out rights as a father. Taking your children out of the country isn't right and you should do everything to stop that. Regardless on how your W might react.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: Tread
You need to contact a lawyer right now..

AGREED

She can go but leave the kids

Last edited by Cadet; 07/17/17 01:40 AM.

Me-70, D37,S36
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You are really in a bind, and I hope things work out for you. I have no real advice, but you will find many sympathetic people on here as you go down this road.
BUT
something that struck me is you talking about "letting" her leave. It's probably just the way it was phrased, but she's an adult, and you "letting" her do things sounds very controlling, which might be part of the problem.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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whywhy Offline OP
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Thanks for the comments. My fear with getting a lawyer and blocking her is that she will then hate me with such an intensity that there will never be any chance to reconcile.

Just don't know which way to go!!!!!


Me: 47 Wife: 39
Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs
S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1
BD: 7/4/2017
Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017
?????
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 84
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whywhy Offline OP
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Jim1234 - you are correct in how this sounded. It was badly worded - what I meant by letting her leave was allowing her to take our 4 children away from me (a long way away from me). I would never dream of stopping her and I honestly believe she would be better off there right now in her current state of mind. It's the kids that I meant and that does need my permission and it will also be the hardest thing I've ever done if I go down that road.


Me: 47 Wife: 39
Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs
S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1
BD: 7/4/2017
Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017
?????
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 84
W
whywhy Offline OP
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OP Offline
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 84
So - we went to therapy today with a really nice solutions focused therapist. My wife shouted in the session "I want a divorce!".

Therapist was great. Calmed everything down and asked us to do homework before the next session.

She even suggested that my wife go back and leave the kids with me and that I bring them over in a few weeks. Idea didn't get immediately discounted.

But, it does all base on the premise that they go back there, while I have to stay here for work until I can move jobs.

Then tonight, she decided that we have to tell the kids that we are separating and that they are moving country. We told the 3 older ones (9,7,5). They freaked and cried and begged us to stay together and to work it out. I was heart broken and my wife stayed completely calm, no reactions.

Afterwards, I said to her that I never expected the kids' reaction to be that extreme - she replied "Oh, I did".

Another 2 things that really annoyed me too.
1) I had asked her to have her mother (who she brought over with her and is in the house all day) please go out for this so that we can do this as a family. Of course, she was around and then after the conversation went round consoling kids! I asked my wife to get her out and my wife told me that she had asked her to go and speak to the kids!!!

2) My wife has an army of people that she texts non-stop from morning till night. I know it's her right and none of my business, but tonight it pissed me off as I felt my life was being broadcast live (though I guess I'm kind of doing the same thing here now).

Not sure what's next. It's clear they're going back and it's clear that I'm not going to object or lawyer up.

Just in pain tonight!


Me: 47 Wife: 39
Together: 20 yrs Married: 16 yrs
S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1
BD: 7/4/2017
Separation (though living in the same house) 7/20/2017
?????
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