Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Cool.....i won't ready anything into. It just made me wonder if the strategy is working or if I needed to change something. Anyway just got back from my daughters basketball practice and hanging out with both kids watching a movie! Good bonding time!!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Dropped the girls off this morning and the W still appeared colder than normal. Based on her actions prior to moving out, the books she has been reading and her recent colder than normal actions towards me I am pretty certain there is OM. Truthfully, right now, I feel ok with that. I don't feel myself stressing over it. I feel secure in who I am as a man, what a provided to our relationship and I know our sex was great (according to her the best she ever had :)). I guess now I really need to analyze if I continue down this path of NC, detaching, etc. or if I just cut bait and move on because I know I am a great guy, good job, etc. I deserve better than this. Decisions, decisions.

On a side note I had a great time with my D's last night. We watched Baby Boss, that was funny! I will hit the gym tonight after work and maybe go hit some golf balls afterwards. Outside of that I have IC tomorrow afternoon and will have my girls all weekend. Looking forward to some fun activities!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: SmokeyD
Dropped the girls off this morning and the W still appeared colder than normal. Based on her actions prior to moving out, the books she has been reading and her recent colder than normal actions towards me I am pretty certain there is OM.


Ah yes. Get used to it man, we call it the "Ice Princess" effect. It's very typical for WASs to run hot and cold. But mostly cold. There are a few reasons for it, one is they don't want to "give you the wrong impression." So it's best to act all cold and indifferent rather than risk making you think there's a shred of hope by saying something nice to you. The other is once on their own they start to realize that the swinging single life they craved isn't filled with unicorns and rainbows after all. And whose fault is it all anyway? The LBS of course! So you become the focus of their anger. I used to post this a lot:

Not Detached:
W happy = you happy
W mad = you mad
W sad = you sad
W angry = you angry

Detached:
W happy = you happy
W mad = you happy
W sad = you happy
W angry = you happy

So detach. Don't let your W's hot and cold stuff affect your disposition! That's her problem, not yours!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Stander I agree......the funny thing is that every day I have seen her this week I have showed up with a new shirt on, my Raybans and 20 lbs lighter. She has to notice so I wonder if that is getting to her as well. It's just kind of funny to watch. Not to mention my new haircut............


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: SmokeyD
Thanks Stander I agree......the funny thing is that every day I have seen her this week I have showed up with a new shirt on, my Raybans and 20 lbs lighter. She has to notice so I wonder if that is getting to her as well. It's just kind of funny to watch. Not to mention my new haircut............


Of course it gets to her, how dare you look awesome when you should be at home in the corner weeping uncontrollably!! And don't even think about getting your own life, that would be outrageous and unacceptable! smile Keep it up, she'll start missing you eventually!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Hey Smokey, I am going to copy & paste your post from Tread's thread.
We were talking about gaining respect and how WW's manipulate.

First, I want everyone to understand the subject matter here, is really not about the children. I know LBS parents are highly sensitive to everything surrounding their kids. In fact, most fathers step it up a couple of notches, b/c of feeling they are missing out half of their children's lives. So, I am not here telling dads to refuse the opportunity to be with their kids........although some may think so, after reading this post.

Easy-going, nice guys get taken advantage of by women. When a woman can constantly take advantage of a man........she will lose any attraction that, perhaps, was originally there. Not only attraction, but she will lose respect for him. Thus, the saying, "Nice guys finish last", I suppose. It's very difficult for nice guys to really get why females are this way. It's not just females, either.

Since you are S, your W will not likely reach out to you unless there is something she needs you to do for her. It's not for the kids, it's for her! Cold facts, but true.

Do you have a parenting schedule? Is this a day-to-day, see what happens type of thing, or is written out who has the children on what days?

Sure! I think it works best when the parents can be cooperative and exchange days. And some dads may say they never feel taken advantage of by keeping their children. But stick with me a second and have an open mind. What LBH on this board has the nerve to say he doesn't want his kids to stay with him? I've yet to see one! So, anyway, let's get past the part of being the World's #1 Dad, and talk about how your WW is using you, and how it works against gaining respect.

You want to know how to gain some respect. Start with not "being there" so easily. Nice guys are always there. They often introduce themselves in the initial post by describing how they were always there for the W. I think you said that about yourself. Don't get me wrong, it's an honorable thing for a H to be there for his W...............as long as he is being respected, and some of that same quality is given back to him. When a W removes herself from the MR, that sends a message of, "I don't want you around me". Okay, then don't be so available after she splits. You have a life, other than waiting for her to call with whatever you can do to make her day better. When she "needs a break", your life is filled with exciting plans that cannot be canceled. If it is work related, or something she's had planned well in advance.....and it works into your schedule, sure, take the kids if you want. That is being cooperative. Btw, is she cooperative, too? I mean, has she ever kept the kids on some of your "days" scheduled? If not, then things are well out of balance, and she is taking advantage of you. I see her cutting the time short on your scheduled day, and you say it's okay and she probably missed seeing them. That is nice-guy thinking. It really doesn't matter if you don't care that she's taking advantage, b/c nice guys tell themselves that type of b.s. all the time. If you want to gain some respect, you have to stop letting her use you. Just don't be so handy. You don't have to have a GAL excuse, b/c you can practice saying "no", if you want to see how it feels. But having GAL plans works toward your good in other ways too. I've seen her tempt checking you, so not being so available has a lot of good points. I've always said the WW should feel concerned that she is freeing her H for the open market. How concerned do you think she is about losing you? B/c being S is not losing you. She tempt checks to see if you are still in the palm of her hand, and then she feels comfortable in going about her wayward lifestyle.

Quote:
The other night she tried to get me to change our schedule because she needed a break......she ended up changing her mind but I told her I couldn't do it because I already had plans. I can see this getting more frequent when school starts.


That's fine.......and you should not feel guilty about it. At some point, she may try to use the guilt card, ("The kids really wanted to stay with you tonight"), but you know you are good dad.......and you know your W takes advantage for her own benefit. You want respect? Change your thinking!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Thanks Sandi...the current schedule is that I have them on Wednesday nights and the weekends. If I don't take them on the weekends then I won't have much time with them at all. When school starts we discussed 50/50 time from Wed to Wed.

She has not reached to me period unless it is to send me pictures of the girls and what they are currently doing. I usually respond to the text by saying "looks fun" or something like that. Today she sent something regarding a birthday party my youngest will be attending and I just responded by saying "k". Are you advocating not even responding to texts as well? It is never about the relationship just me acknowledging.

I was actually proud of myself for telling her "no" on Tuesday that I have plans. It was hard for me to do! I do understand about taking the girls away during my time. I need to practice being more difficult to deal with. I guess I thought I was doing well by not contacting her for anything but I guess there is more I can do.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
W still has her debt card for our joint account. It looks like she used it the other day to make a purchase for our daughters. Nothing major roughly $23.00. She has opened up her own account that her check get deposited in so at this point in time she has her money and I have mine. Any advice on how to handle the situation? She didn't ask and didn't say anything to me. Since she is a school teacher and is off for the summer she does have them all day so I assume she is short on money and I did not give her any extra money from my paychecks to supplement. I assume I am being too nice smile


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Well.....I gave in again today and did some more snooping on our wireless account. Wife has pictures of herself in short shorts, t-shirt posing on her bed in front of a mirror....she also appears to have some messenger on her phone that she could be using to communicate to men. Again not a 100% smoking gun but everything continues to add up. I did sign up with a DB coach today for more guidance but I really don't know how much more of this I can take. She has not brought up the D word but it's obvious this ain't changing any time soon and I am starting to loose my desire to continue. Still no contact.....will se her tonight when I pick up my kids for the weekend.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Regarding the W to W 50-50 split, my kids were older than yours when we S'd but we tried a mid-week handoff at first and we didn't like it and neither did the kids. We ended up switching to a Sunday evening handoff and never looked back. It went a lot smoother. Kids often have homework during the week but rarely over the weekends, so it was just a lot easier to keep track of that. The handoffs were much more leisurely too, no rushing around trying to get stuff packed up to make the move.

Originally Posted By: SmokeyD
Any advice on how to handle the situation?


Close the joint account!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard