From the other side of the mountain (pt.8)

[SBJ]

Old post...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2738650&page=1

Having to start a new thread before I'm asked to. Hope everyone has a bless day.

Psalm 91:1New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Security of the One Who Trusts in the Lord.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

[AndrewP]

It's tough I know. One foot in front of the other.

[SBJ]

Andrew, thanks for the poem...that has always been nice to read for me, although it is also the one that the ex-con OM that my W has this fantasy, Utopian relationship with used in his personal testimony on how he survived prison. While I appreciate the message and I do believe that He is with me daily thru all of this, I can't get out of my head that this OM uses God in his testimony, yet sees no problem in tearing a family apart. What a POS.

Now that I got that out of my system, I am going to finish up here at my office and go an enjoy the weekend. I hope everyone does as well.

God is good all the time...

[Gordie]

SBJ,

The audacity iof your OM never ceases to amaze me. And interesting counseling session--but as you indicated, not your circus.

That feeling of desperately wanting something and not being able to get it? Yeah, I know.

Glad you are surrounding yourself with loved ones for that dreadful anniversary.

You continue in my prayers.

Gordie

[SBJ]

JOURNALING:
This week is kind of tough. The W and kids are all out of town with the FIL/Step-MIL and many other extended family members. This is the first time in 20 years that I am not with them all on this vaca.

Had a great time last weekend...bourbon and cigars with several of my friends by the pool Friday night into the wee hours of Saturday morning. Then I got to play an awesome golf course in Houston on Sunday with my brothers and my oldest son.

While GAL definitely helps...sometimes it is exhausting. HAHA!

I hope and pray you are all at peace!

[Gordie]

Not being an intact family stinks. Bleh.

Glad you got Dina good golf in.

Any new activities or projects planned for this week?

[SBJ]

Gordie...just trying to keep myself busy.

The must do's include:
1 Yard work
2 Pool work
3 House work
4 Exercise
5 Washing and waxing my Jeep
6 Washing and waxing my dog (haha)
7 Mass on Sunday

The extra's include:
1 Putting my boat motor back together (lower unit worked on)
2 Taking the top off the Jeep and cruising to the beach to see my kids for a bit, but also seeing some friends that are down
3 A buddies 50th birthday party Saturday with some friends
4 Maybe taking the boat out for a shake down of the motor Sunday afternoon with the kids and my brother

The candle on the cake:
Getting my kids back on Sunday afternoon...that is an awesome must do

[skm0619]

SBJ.....thanks for all the support and prayers, it is greatly appreciated.

I read your posts and I am always so taken by how you manage to not go to a more negative place, especially now that you made the decision to sign the D papers. That speaks about your character and who you truly are as a person.

I know it was SO EASY for me to spout out all these negative feelings I had toward H, and what he was doing to me, our M and to everyone involved. I never feel that tone coming from your posts. I need to work on that

I was reading a post from Sandi2 on another thread, and while I do not know how it feels to be in your shoes at all, and I don't know how I would handle things if I was, I really enjoyed what she said.....and the fact that it applies to all of us going through this, regardless if we are the H/W, LBS, WAW, WS.

Build up your self esteem and be around people who want to be with you.....and doing things you want to do. Every person who reports a healthy outcome, contributes most of it to getting a life that is not dependent on spouse/family. Secondly, it can be a real eye opener for your W. Not that it's going to redirect her decisions right away, but it can begin to plant a seed of doubt about her choices to leave the M.

You continue to show that you are someone who valued, and still does, your commitment that you made. I just hope that one day our spouse, or in your case STBXW, will come to her senses. But, if she doesn't, you know that you are such a different person now and know that you stayed true to who you are. And you never know, after all of this you may not want to reconcile because you have learned so much about yourself, and how strong of a person you are, that you are not willing to allow her back in your life....(just my 2 cents).

One day at a time......

[Gordie]

What's your exercise of choice?

Have you ever tried mid week mass?

Good to see you going out with friends.

[Gordie]

Now that you've signed the d papers, what happens next?

[SBJ]

Skm...thanks for the kind words. The only strength I have comes from my relationship with God, and trust me when I say that I consult him every hour of every day. I have surrounded myself with strong, like minded me that know I am standing for the covenant of marriage. They know that I am 100% against divorce so they help me on a daily basis with encouragement. I think it's important that we have people of faith that have our backs. That way, when doubt creeps into our minds, they will still be standing strong forums and with us. It's the same for all of the friends on here.

I also have read a lot of what sandi has written. She comes at it from the prodigals perspective so her 2x4's carry a lot of weight with me.

As far as valuing the "commitment" that I made to her...I see it as much more than that. It was a covenant between the two of us and God. I want to honor her for sure, but more importantly, I want to honor Him.

I hope all is well with you.

[SBJ]

What's your exercise of choice?

Have you ever tried mid week mass?

Good to see you going out with friends.

Now that you've signed the d papers, what happens next?

Exercise of choice is hard...I just got over a broken big toe and am nursing a strained rotator cuff at the moment. I'm hitting the road with some light jogging and doing some swimming. Heavy weights are out for now, but I have some friends urging me to try Crossfit.

We do a midweek Mass/Rosary/Men's Faith Sharing on Tuesdays.

As for going out with friends...as the song goes...
"I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was."

Unless by some miraculous occurrence the D is stopped, I will continue doing what I've been doing. I will continue to pray for her and my family. What is hard to do for a lot of us here is to simply "Let go and Let God" handle things.

Now then stand still and see the great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes! 1 Samual 12:16

[Gordie]

Take your time coming back from the injury. I love crossfit and did it for several years. I learned a ton in terms of movements and proper lifting form and trying new things.

It's so great you have such a great church community. It's something I'm lacking at the moment and being the single dad at church is kind of stinky, particularly if the kids aren't well behaved and I get criticized for it. I say nothing back but it makes my blood boil.

And that country song? I always thought that was about sex!

[SBJ]

Take your time coming back from the injury. I love crossfit and did it for several years. I learned a ton in terms of movements and proper lifting form and trying new things.

No real rush on the injury front, but the older I get the longer it takes to heal and recover. It is just frustrating.

It's so great you have such a great church community. It's something I'm lacking at the moment and being the single dad at church is kind of stinky, particularly if the kids aren't well behaved and I get criticized for it. I say nothing back but it makes my blood boil.

Nothing bothers me more than people who judge others. Years ago, my wife had to have surgery. My kids felt all of the tension and I decided to take them to IHOP for breakfast. My youngest was inconsolable and fussy. At some point I just got up from frustration and decided to leave with the kids before eating. A lady next to us said..."It's about time" and something about not being able to control my kids. I verbally went off on her and her 20-something year old son got in my face as I was holding my then 3 year old. I don't blow my top easily, but I would have kicked the @&$% out him in the restaurant had I not been holding my son. Nobody knows what anyone else is going thru, and no one has the right to judge you, especially if you are trying to worship & praise God with your children. If they don't like it, they can go to another church.

And that country song? I always thought that was about sex!

As far as what the song is talking about...I'm sure he mean it to be about sex, but as I said earlier...the older I get it becomes more clear that it has multiple meanings. HAHA!

>>>>>>>
JOURNALING:

My kids spent the last week away with the W and her fathers side of the family. It was kind of lonely, but I stayed busy and had a very good weekend.

When the kids got home yesterday, my 10 yr old made my day by running up to me and jumping into my arms. He hasn't really done that since he was really young. He is totally awesome.

They had a great time, but I would hope that my presence was missed by all. This was the first time in 20 years that I didn't make that trip with the W. Crazy.

One of my patients, that knows that my W and I are going thru the D called today. She said that she had a dream about my W that she returned to me and my kids. She is a wonderful christian woman that has experienced MLC in her family...her son's gone thru it with his W and she is praying hard for all of us that are going thru this.

[Gordie]

An older gentleman said almost the exact thing to me on Sunday. I wanted to tell him to s t f u and tell him it's people like you that make people like me want to leave the church...but I didn't...

[SBJ]

Gord, sometimes it is best just to bite your lip and do your own thing. Those that judge others will be judged. Not many people know what you are going thru and hardly no one knows what you are feeling on a daily basis.

I feel eyes when I have my kids at church by myself. I sometimes wonder what they are thinking. However, if I'm with my kids at the movies, nobody would blink an eye. Isn't that weird. Sometimes the most judgmental people are those that claim to be so righteous.

You are doing the right thing by taking your children to church. It is our responsibility to raise our children the way God wanted us to. Many times, in our situations, both parents fall away from God and the children are left in the wake of destruction. By going with them to church, it shows them that we are supposed to put God first and then everything else should fall in line. I know I neglected that part...I thought I was putting my W first and then my family second. I would only talk to God when it was convenient to me. That was wrong and I am confident that is what threw things off.

Stay strong my friend, but most importantly...

Ephesians 6:10-20New American Standard Bible (NASB)

The Armor of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against [a]flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 [b]in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

18 [c]With all prayer and petition [d]pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, [e]be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, 19 and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in [f]chains; that [g]in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

[Coly23]

Hey SBJ, just popping in to say hi!

I agree with skm that the tone of your posts are never negative whatever trials you are having to endure.

I particularly love the 'to do' lists!

Sending you hugs (((SBJ)))

[Gordie]

SBJ,

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I confess there are days when I want to throw in the towel and not take the kids to church...but I persevere. And your comment about being judged...ain't that the truth!

[OwnIt]

I just have a hard time believing anyone would judge either of you fine fellows.

[SBJ]

I hosted a memorial service for my grandfather that passed last month over the weekend and was able to spend time with my father and brothers as well as many extended family members. It was interesting and somewhat refreshing that I didn't have to discuss anything about my W at all.

She did text early the morning of the memorial saying that she was thinking about us and said that everyone was in her thoughts and prayers. Still kind of confuses me at times with her saying things like that, but it is out of my control.

Both of my brothers said that I seem to be handling things very well and that I look like I am doing well. God has kept me moving forward and allows me to function, but there are moments that I simply falter. Last night I watched the movie "Hacksaw Ridge"...I guess because of all of the emotions of the last year, I broke down.

It's funny, I was using that to keep my mind busy, but there was a point where he was courting his girlfriend and said to his mother that he was going to marry her. Kind of reminded me of my past. I told a friend after our first date that she was the one. I didn't tell her of course, but it was true. Her mother told me later that my W told her the same thing after dating for 2 weeks. How can we be so sure about something at some point in our lives and then simply let that dream die? It is truly sad.

I managed to get thru the movie, which is excellent by the way. I hope everyone has a great Monday...God bless.

[FightOn]

I told a friend after our first date that she was the one. I didn't tell her of course, but it was true. Her mother told me later that my W told her the same thing after dating for 2 weeks. How can we be so sure about something at some point in our lives and then simply let that dream die? It is truly sad.


I had a similar experience with my H and I. I knew we would marry within about three months of dating. I just knew it. He told me the same thing.

Now he says things that just break my heart.

I don't get it either.

Was it really THAT bad?

[OwnIt]

I no longer believe in true love or that these things are meant to be. I will live my life much differently going forward. A lot fewer crumbs even if it means I have to pass on the cake.

[SBJ]

We can only control what we can control and can only believe what we are open to believing. I won't argue with anyone on how they feel, but I can only say that after we have been hurt as bad as we have been, it will take a long time to heal and to reform any of our feelings as to what it truly means to love or be loved.

I think that our spouses that have left us are acting on "feelings". When you give yourself to someone and choose to "love" them for the entire duration of your wedding vows, there is nothing that you won't do to make things work. When they are acting on their feelings, it doesn't quite work that way. They will go with the wind as long as they feel they should be doing it.

I like the old story of the elderly couple that had been married for 50+ years. When asked how they survived such a long marriage, the husband said that they never fell out of love with each other at the same time, but always stayed committed to one another during their marriage.

[Brubeck]

FightOn -

As time goes on, the claims of dissatisfaction get worse and worse. Their focus must be external to help ignore the demons screaming inside.

No, it wasn't THAT bad - for either of you. That's just how they want to remember it to be. Running away from their spouse is easier than running away from themselves, which is ultimately what they're going to end up doing anyway.

I also cannot believe the non-stop cruelty coming from my W at all hours of the day. It's so hard not to take it personally.

[SBJ]

Bru and Fight...I agree that it wasn't bad, but that is how they justify what they are doing...running away to find that elusive "HAPPINESS".

My W is actually on the opposite end of the spectrum...she tries to be as nice as pie all of the time. It is mind bending trying to figure her out, so I have given it all to God...let go and let God.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

You always make me think...

Your w and my w...they want a d...yet they are so nice!

Sandi2 talks about the cruel wayward w...but what about this nice version?

[OwnIt]

I would take a nice one any day over the cold-hearted son of a you know what that I have.

[SBJ]

They are confusing either way, but the nice one seems to want to keep you as a friend and still be able to be wayward.

[roist]

Hi sbj & gordie.

I am glad that you have figured out that there is no figuring it out. Mind reading, fortune telling and assumptions will only lead you away from your path and no closer to knowing the truth.

Many WAS are nice until things go against them. Others are nice to help pass the bitter D pill the smoothest possible. Some truly do care for the LBS. As long as the LBS isn't allowing him/herself to be walked over, letting things be nice sure beats the hostility, anger and resentment felt in some situations.

Another point about this niceness is it is partly due to the WAS who has choosen to be nice. Many of the success stories here mention that the WAS remembers how "nice/empathic/calm.... .) The lbs was at the worst moments when they would have been justified to have been angry and resentful.

I would iterate that I doubt being nice turns the situation around but when the WAS reaches the turnaround point, the behavior/attitude of the LBS can then have an influence regardless of how much later that may be.

I think the LBS needs to decide who they want to be and how they want to treat people and interact with them. It should not depend on someone else.

Best wishes

Sbj, how is training going for your event?

[SBJ]

Thanks for visiting roist...it is always nice to hear from you.

Another point about this niceness is it is partly due to the WAS who has choosen to be nice. Many of the success stories here mention that the WAS remembers how "nice/empathic/calm.... .) The lbs was at the worst moments when they would have been justified to have been angry and resentful.

I would iterate that I doubt being nice turns the situation around but when the WAS reaches the turnaround point, the behavior/attitude of the LBS can then have an influence regardless of how much later that may be.

I think the LBS needs to decide who they want to be and how they want to treat people and interact with them. It should not depend on someone else.

I can't speak for all of us on here, but I know that I was always nice, sometimes empathetic, and mostly calm in our M. At least that was how I saw things. I cannot speak for how she felt during the M or how she thinks I reacted or handled things.

I know that I have cycled during the last 12 months and am currently in a very positive mindset. I will treat her with kindness and respect as long as she does the same. If she begins to spew and turn nasty then I will just go dark. The mindset of not my circus and not my monkey comes to mind.

My problem was that during our almost 26 years together, I went from a man (kid because I was so young) that was nice, took care of her, but took charge...to Mr. Nice guy and was taken for granted/walked on. I will never do that again. Not with her or anyone else. That being said...I do want to remain caring to her because I do truly love her. I don't love what she is doing, but I do love the person that I committed myself to in life and for life.

Sbj, how is training going for your event?

As for the training, it seems like the hits keep coming. I healed from the broken toe. I had a flare up on an older shoulder injury.
I have also had another issue that has flared up a few times in the last 12 months. I am sure that it is stress related, but it gives me excruciating stomach pain and keeps me from wanting to do any strenuous exercise.

On a lighter note, because of the stomach issue I have adjusted my diet and lost 10 lbs. I also adjusted my intake of adult beverages.
I think I had drifted too far over the edge and might have been partaking too much.

I had a nice compliment given to me yesterday by a female patient.
She said I look better today than I have in quite a while. She was one that had commented around 6 months ago about how run down I looked. I thanked her and gave all the credit to God for guiding me thru this trial.

Roist, I hope all is going well with you. I haven't been keeping up or at least haven't seen any updates lately from you. Peace be with you my friend.

[Gordie]

So how did you go from in charge to walked on? What changed in you? And how did you reverse it?

[SBJ]

Gord, after we were married at 23 and 21 we quickly moved to the big city and began our life together. She got involved in a company that somewhat brainwashed her into thinking that she needed to move 3 hours away to be able to make real money. That was when I should have stood up and said no, but we spent about 2 years apart except about every other weekend. We were basically living as we were single. It wasn't what I wanted, but I never spoke up. Towards the end of the second year she confided in me that she'd been unfaithful.Upon hearing that I basically gave an ultimatum of either D or her coming home and us trying to heal our M. We lasted 20 years and three kids and now she says that D is the answer.

Once she came home in 1996 is about when I think I changed. I guess I did the Mr. Nice guy thing so as not to rock the boat. I bent over backward to do everything for her and give everything to her. Little did I know that she probably needed someone to set ground rules and lead her. Not in a chauvinistic way, but in a Godly manner.

[skm0619]

SBJ.....I remember telling my H "if you let me, I will walk all over you." Definitely not one of my prouder moments, but it honestly was the truth.

For me, I think I knew that I could get away with certain things because H was pretty passive, and I definitely had the stronger personality of the two of us (still do to this day). And I also knew that he would do the "Mr Nice Guy" thing too because he didn't want my wrath But looking back, it was probably my way of controlling things in our relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is, what you said about someone needing to set ground rules, or in my case, some boundaries, is true.

[Kylo]

We can only control what we can control and can only believe what we are open to believing. I won't argue with anyone on how they feel, but I can only say that after we have been hurt as bad as we have been, it will take a long time to heal and to reform any of our feelings as to what it truly means to love or be loved.

I think that our spouses that have left us are acting on "feelings". When you give yourself to someone and choose to "love" them for the entire duration of your wedding vows, there is nothing that you won't do to make things work. When they are acting on their feelings, it doesn't quite work that way. They will go with the wind as long as they feel they should be doing it.

I like the old story of the elderly couple that had been married for 50+ years. When asked how they survived such a long marriage, the husband said that they never fell out of love with each other at the same time, but always stayed committed to one another during their marriage.

SBJ, you hit the nail on the head here. Acting on "feelings" alone will get you into some big trouble. Feelings don't have to be disregarded, but logic and principals need to be your guide. I don't know if we can link to outside sources, but if anyone is interested Google "Ravi Zacharias The Will To Do" for a great piece on the role of will in a marriage.
Psych 101: The infatuation phase of "love" only lasts 18 months. You better have more than "feelings" if you want to last.
I think we are at a severe disadvantage only having one word for "love" that doesn't convey the evolving nature of the romantic love relationship.

[Kylo]

I told a friend after our first date that she was the one. I didn't tell her of course, but it was true. Her mother told me later that my W told her the same thing after dating for 2 weeks. How can we be so sure about something at some point in our lives and then simply let that dream die? It is truly sad.


I had a similar experience with my H and I. I knew we would marry within about three months of dating. I just knew it. He told me the same thing.

Now he says things that just break my heart.

I don't get it either.

Was it really THAT bad?

No it wasn't that bad. Remember, If the spouse is in MLC you can expect them to rewrite history and say it was that bad, that they were "faking it".

[SBJ]

Skm and Kylo...thanks for the comments.

Skm in retrospect because I was made to feel inferior 20 years ago due to her infidelity I allowed her to walk all over me for so long. I lost who I was and what I wanted. At the same time, when I love I'm in 100% and will do whatever it takes to make it work. Maybe to a fault. I'm finding myself again and hope to realize what I want for me and my family. Not relying on her desires because that has put us where we are now.

Kylo I agree with you about the evolution of love in a marriage. Our MLCers are stuck in this infatuation stage and think or feel that every day of a M should be this giddy puppy love feeling. That isn't reality.

The reality is that we work thru all of the stages of love and commitment and grow together as husband and wife. But that only works if both spouses are willing to do that. If one wants out they cannot be forced. my W has chosen to leave and thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. While I'm convinced she is wrong, I cannot tell her that. She will see sooner or later.

At this point all I can do is control what I do for myself and my wonderful kids. They deserve better than what she is doing, but I know that God can use this trial as a testimony if that is in His will. Only time will tell.

[SBJ]

Gordie and I are having the same kind of rough week. I know it is all about PMA, but for some reason I have been flying off the handle this week about some small stuff. As I said to Gordie this morning, seems like I should be done with this 26.2 mile marathon by now. That is my impatience talking. That is the one big thing that I am trying to work on thru this trial.

My wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and I can honestly say that I am not sure what I am feeling about it. Last year (#22) it was just a month after BD and she laughed when I gave her her anniversary gifts. I always give a fun gift and a serious gift...I'm weird that way I guess, but when someone laughs at both of them and says that they didn't think that we were doing gifts then it makes for some weird times.

BD to move out was 4 months...crazy fast. No time to work on things. She just left. That means that 3 months from now, my W will have been gone for an entire year.

I have two friends that are IC's that I get to spend time with in a semi-professional manner. One is a family friend and one is a personal friend. Both are pro-marriage and are wonderful Christians. Sometimes it is serious and sometimes it is over dinner, but either way it helps me work on me. I know that my W is seeing a counselor, but it is not for her personally, because she doesn't have a problem. She is seeing the counselor to work on the relationship with her and her sister.

I have had a conversation with my MIL twice over the last few weeks. One was about an hour long and I was able to tell her that I forgive her and release the resentment I was holding towards her and the other was a short one. The odd thing about both of them was that she was balling during both. One of my counseling friends says she probably feels a ton of guilt because she sees her daughter doing the same thing she did. While I am not a pro it does seem like this is the case. My MIL is a true enabler and seems to do whatever her daughters want no matter the circumstances.

I think it is time to pull the punching bag back out.


Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. - Psalm 23:4

[Gordie]

SBJ,

I totally get you. Being a divorced against your will single dad is super stressful. Punching bag sounds good! And the wedding annniversary? Maybe take time out to do something you enjoy or buy yourself a present. Don't stew. Recognize when you are out of whack and apologize to the kids when you wrong them. It's humbling and a great example. We aren't perfect. We will have our good days and bad days. And God is always present.

Two other thoughts:

Seems like you are still keeping tabs on XW.

I'm surprised you still talk to your in laws.

Are these things helping or hurting you?

[bttrfly]

{{{{{SBJ}}}}}

I know what you mean about the anniversary - what would have been our 23rd was 7/16. I"m still trying to get my footing back.
I cannot believe I'm 4 months into the third year of this mess, and 7 months post D there's no sign of exh having any regrets.

Yes, take out the punching bag. Doing something physical will help your serotonin levels.

I think Gordie's advice is sound.

xoxoxoxo

[SBJ]

Two other thoughts:

Seems like you are still keeping tabs on XW.

We have a business together along with other family. It is near impossible to go totally dark. Plus she contacts me regularly regarding the kids because we are prepping for back to school.

I'm surprised you still talk to your in laws.


1. My MIL contacted me twice and I have responded to her questions both times. I don't go out of my way.
2. My FIL is a business partner and a friend. He is also someone that totally understands what I am going thru since my MIL put him thru the exact same thing. He totally disagrees with the D. He is a good support for me and the kids.
3. I will always hold nothing but respect towards them. I disagreed with the MIL and her actions, but I think that she cannot help herself, because she is an enabler. I feel that she is feeling guilt, but that doesn't affect me at all. I can only do me and pray that all of my extended family is reconciled to the best of its ability. It is in a total downward spiral right now.

Are these things helping or hurting you?
Neither of these bother me at all. They have been like parents to me for 26 years...hard to cut someone out of our lives...we aren't going thru MLC. Right?

[OwnIt]

Sorry SBJ. I guess I'm lucky. Two years ago he intentionally signed up to work out of state and then texted me unhappy anniversary (I found out about OW1 less than a week later). Last year I was on vacation out of the country and saw he took OW1 out to dinner and put it on my credit card. After two years of aholeaversaries I think this third one I will be fine. How about thinking of this first one as a one year celebration of some change you like in yourself?

[SBJ]

So, I spent 5 hours with the W yesterday doing some things for our business. Our kids were all there too so relationship talk was never brought up. She did however bring up something that had been bothering her with regard to her family. She said her mother is the only one that has anything to do with her (enabler). She then went on to say how her sister/BIL and her father and step mother seem so mad at her because of all of this. They all seem to be grounded in the reality of what divorce looks like for real. She was just about in tears when she said that, "if anyone has a right to be mad at me, you do, but you aren't. You always treat me with kindness and respect."

I only validated what she said about her family and didn't really respond when she said that about me...I simply looked at her and grinned. She then went on to finishing what we were doing. It is not really funny, but I guess they all have moments of clarity that we aren't them enemy, but then they go back to business as usual.

I'm reading a new book about letting go...it is pretty good. My dad and one of my brothers have commented on a positive change that they have seen in me over the last couple of months...mentally, physically and spiritually. While that makes me feel better, I know that there is still alot of work to do.

His will and His timing is what I am hanging my hat on these days. I hope and pray that all of you have a great week.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

That's amazing and can only imagine what that meant for you. That is one well paved road back...

Is it hard to keep working with her? Do you ever want one of you to change jobs?

[SBJ]

We have two offices under the same practice name...it really hasn't been an issue. My oldest wants to follow in our business footsteps, so I want to continue to grow my office so he can join us. He has about 5 years more of school.

I am also wanting to open another business with one of my brothers. Working on a business plan currently and he and I have about a 12-18 month plan. No real rush because we want to do it right.

[roist]

Fair dues to her family for speaking their opinion.

As for her comments to you, well done. Firstly on being that guy who apparently isn't that bad afterall and secondly for letting the comment slip.

This in no way indicates a turn around is happening in her thinking but will definitely facilitate the possibility of one.

Best wishes

[skm0619]

SBJ.....

How did you feel after hearing her say that? I can imagine it was nice to hear her say something about you that you have known all along......that you are a wonderful person, and she is a fool for doing what she has done to you

I have noticed my H has moments of clarity every so often, but then does something that takes me right back. I feel like they are so fearful of taking responsibility because then that would make them see that the decisions they have been making have been so selfish (and we all know they would never want that).

Sounds like you are staying busy and doing well.

One day at a time.......

[SBJ]

roist...I understand that what she said wasn't a decision for her to come back, but to me it seems like a simple way of keeping the light on (so to speak).

skm...I think that they can be all over the place with their feelings and emotions. It is eye opening to me that her relationship with her family has worsened. She only has one sister (drug addict) and her mother (enabler) that are on her "side". Ironically, each one of them has also been thru a divorce. The sister because of her addiction and the MIL was because of her own personal MLC when my W was 12.

I can only do me and try and be better than I was the day before. I hope you are doing well with your one day at a time as well.

[SBJ]

So our S19 was on a college retreat this weekend and they had a family ceremony Saturday night. My D15 had several of her friends going and the W was going to drive them in her car and I was going to take our youngest. It was about an 1.5 hour drive. One of the girls backed out and the W called me and said, "it looks like we can just take one car". I was kind of stumped, but said...that sounds great. I ended up riding in the back of her Suburban with my youngest and we chatted all the way there. Even though I was in the back I still had to give directions when asked. She didn't bother calling OnStar since I was there.

On the trip home was when it got interesting. About 15 minutes down the road, she said she was extremely tired and asked if I'd drive. I said I would and she decided to rearrange the passengers so that she could sit in the front with me. Once on the road she began telling me about her addict sister and basically asking me what I thought she should do. It was extremely odd, but at the same time, so familiar. I miss our conversations, even if they are about her batchitcrazy sister. We spent about 5.5 hours together and laughed and cut up...it was just like old times.

She asked me and our youngest to sit with her at church yesterday and it seemed so right. It is so hard for me to understand just where their minds are at.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

That sounds like the kind of conversation I had with w on vacation. We can't understand where their minds are at...and they probably can't either. So put on the tinfoil hat to stop yourself from mind reading and just enjoy it for what it is: an intimate conversation with someone that you (still) care about.

[bttrfly]

SBJ keep your expectations at zero and try your best not to mind read. that's the road to peace. Keep being the awesome person you are and see what God has in store for you!

I just heard that my cousin re-married his first wife after being divorced for a number of years and that they are incredibly happy. We never know The Plan for us and that's probably a really good thing!

xoxo

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Those moments that you just decribed were the very things that kept me stuck for some time. Notice I did not say kept me standing.

I will try to explain it the best I can looking back, in a way you have to view that day as a temp/anchor check. You did not do anything wrong and gave off the fun vibe, but do not think for a second she walked away from it re-thinking her position because they just do not seem to think that way. It was a nice day and that's that .... if anything mine walked away from such days as 'look at that, we can get along just fine and co-parent'

I agree with bttrfly ... expectations at zero and see where things end up going .. she has to hit bottom before she can ever start crawling out of the hole.

[SBJ]

bttrfly/Cali...Thank you both for responding.

I totally agree with both of you guys. I was journaling, but at the same time it did kick me a bit. It shows me that the reality that I knew was real...real affection and kindness.

The judge has our paperwork this week. He should be signing off on it any day now. Ironically, our anniversary is this weekend...23 yrs married and 26 yrs together.

I wish I could sometimes just go emotionless...like the mlc'er. On the outside it sounds nice not to feel hurt, but I can only imagine that on the inside they are totally effed.

I read an interesting article on "projection" this morning. It helped remind me that what they are doing is projecting all of their past issues onto us and making us the fall guy for their unhappiness. It helps open the eyes a bit.

Cali, I also agree and understand about how some of them feel with regards to...'look at that, we can get along just fine and co-parent'. I have a friend whose W had a full blown affair and they were unsuccessful in working it out. We always see them around one another (for their kids). My W like the fact that they are "friends", but fails to hear his side of things. He cannot wait until his daughter graduates so that he doesn't have to spend so much time with his X. Either the MLC'er just doesn't understand it, or they just don't care anymore. Who knows?

[SBJ]

So funny story...my attorney had emailed me and then called me yesterday about getting a check and some forms signed and to her before the judge can finalize things. I told my attorney that I would drop them off yesterday after work. She relayed that to the opposing counsel. Well, less than 20 minutes later, I received a phone call from my W. She said that if it would help me, that she would be willing to come to my office and deliver the envelope to my attorney. Wasn't she being so nice and helpful?

I'm not one to lose my temper easily, so I simply said to her that "I have it under control", and thanked her for being so helpful. What a crock of $#!?.

How can I have all of these conflicting emotions going on inside of me at the same time?
1. anger at what she has done and is doing to me
2. hurt from what she has done to me and our kids
3. disgust at what I believe she has done
4. disappointment towards a woman that I truly believed in
5. happiness when thinking of our past
6. hope that she will come thru this
7. fear about the future
8. love for a woman that claims she is done
9. warmth from friends and family that have my back
10. confidence that God will guide me to where He wants me to be

>>>>>
The checks have been written. The asset allocation forms have been filled out, signed, and notarized. They are now in the hands of my attorney. The decree is just waiting on the judges signature. Kind of a dark week. And our anniversary is this coming Sunday. Not to many people can celebrate their anniversary with a divorce decree (sarcasm).

[AndrewP]

How can I have all of these conflicting emotions going on inside of me at the same time?

Because you are human.

And our anniversary is this coming Sunday. Not to many people can celebrate their anniversary with a divorce decree (sarcasm).

You'd be surprised. Originally I thought it would hit on mine for me. Just like my bomb day was essentially on my birthday.

[Sotto]

Hi SBJ, I'm sorry you are having a rough week. It is understandable your emotions are all over the place, and I think you are doing well to just move forward and be civil and reasonable.

When our D was finalised, I guess I always had a grain of hope that there might be an eleventh hour reprieve. And when it did finalise I felt some relief and sadness too. It was a weird feeling. But I have also been glad to be no longer married to someone else's boyfriend and the divorce did help me move forward - just knowing - this is no longer my H. It did help give me some closure, but then for me it did come at a later stage, almost two years after BD.

I must say, I do read along some, and I admire how you have handled yourself through this ordeal. From my own experience and with the passage of time, I have come to see that as the most important thing - that I can look back and not have significant regrets. It is a gift to ourselves.

I'm sorry for the timing of things. It is always an extra bite when things happen around a significant day. But I hope you will feel able to celebrate the real bits of your marriage that were good and keep moving forward. For me, I do find I am getting to the point (sometimes) that I can genuinely wish XH well and hope he finds peace and happiness - forgiveness in progress....

I'm sending my very best wishes to you

[OwnIt]

SBJ,

I almost think that is a blessing. It would be much worse to have to endure the wedding anniversary and then six months later the divorce anniversary. This way you can live through that period and then focus on happiness the rest of the time. Your wife is an idiot. You seem like a great guy and I am sure you have a wonderful life ahead of you.

[Gordie]

Well, the courts are closed on Sunday so it can't be on the same date, right?

I have so many of the same mixed emotions. Thank our for articulating them.

How is your training? How are th kids?

[bttrfly]

Hi SBJ
That's a lot to hold and I can honestly say, yes. Ive felt every one of those all at the same time as well. Part and parcel of this "process" ...

I too hoped and prayed for an 11th hour reprieve, as Sotto mentioned in her post. When it didn't come, there was a sense of relief in having the other shoe fall, but at the same time the hope being taken away was very sad. The acceptance of the situation and the, well - what is the best word? I'd have to say really relief that now something definitive had happened, there was legally no longer a marriage - that seemed for me to balance the power scales a bit. I don't think I thought of it explicitly in those terms at the time but here it is 8 months later and I can say that's really what I think was going on. For so long I had tried to dance to whatever tune he was playing; no sooner would I begin a waltz than he would change the rhythm to a bossanova or a cha cha - never a tango - that would require two people, you get the analogy. The puppet master had cut the strings with a legal divorce, at least that was how it seemed to me.

Others consider divorce merely a piece of paper. To me it signified a true end. There was and is a lot of grief to process, but ... there's peace. There is no longer a waiting for the other shoe to fall. There is no longer walking on tiptoes or being afraid to breathe lest you upset the delicate balance.

Most of all, there is no longer a need to live your life around the weakest link in the chain, the MLCr.

The loss of a marriage is difficult at any time, whether a day or two after a wedding anniversary or two days before Christmas. The 120 day mark for me (end of waiting period) was 12/21 but for some reason we weren't officially divorced until 12/23, which I didn't realize until March when I saw the actual decree.

The point is, this is now time for you to decide where you want to go from here. I'm so sorry it came to this, but remember how hard you fought and remember that God has plans for us that we can't even imagine. You know that song, "Thank God for unanswered prayers?"

xoxoxoxo

Have faith! {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[Treasur]

I hope for peace too, bttrfly. And I think the emotions are all 'normal', SBJ.

What bttrfly said about the dance feels right to me and the weakest link. The strain of living and adjusting to this horror happening to someone you love, your family, is incredibly hard. Like that old joke about hitting your head against a brick wall - nice when you stop!

[SBJ]

AndrewP, Sotto, OwnIt, Gordie, bttrfly, Treasur...
Hey guys, thanks for the words of affirmation, kindness and encouragement. I will keep everyone posted on things.

I did beer and wing night with 8 buddies last night...kind of a D support group. Nothing beats gourmet hot wings and beers. Not to change the subject from D, but here are a couple of recommendations. I know it'll sound weird, but there was a P&J hot wing that was incredible...kind of like a peanut Thai Spice with some sweet. Also two beers that caught me...Avery Coconut Porter (WOW) and Sweetwater Tripletail IPA (Great).

Back to the subject at hand...the emotional roller coaster is crazy for sure. I guess I am just worrying that since it will be legal then the curtains will fall and "if" she is still in contact with the OM, then it will be OK for that to come out into the open. I'm trying to get that out of the old noggin. It's not my circus, nor my monkeys, but it still keeps popping up in my brain.

OwnIt...you are right on all counts. Regarding this my wife is an idiot and I am a damn nice guy (haha). I agree that life in the future will be great...I have always had a positive vision of the future...it just always included her.

Gordie...the training is going slow. I have an impingement in my left shoulder that is killing me. A chiropractor friend has given me some exercises to do to heal and rebuild it. That has slowed my training to try and prep for the obstacles. My laziness has slowed my road work. Next week I will hit the roads daily and kick it in high gear.

The kids are great, but they don't know about the court dates. I have just asked them to keep their mother in their prayers when they are with me.

bttrfly, everything you have said makes total sense. I have ready from many different threads on here over the last year and the one thing that we all (the LBS'ers) have in common is that when we love...we are all in and love with all of our souls. That is good when things are going well, but when the BD hits it is hard for us, who are all in, to accept that someone else could only be halfway in. The last year has shown me that, even though we have had a wonderful marriage, she might not have been all in the entire time.

As for the song, Garth was hitting the peak of popularity when she and I began dating. She and I also used to travel across the state line (from TX to LA) because we were underage to dance and drink at the Longhorn Club in Starks, LA. We used to have the time of our lives. That being said, that was one of the songs we would two-step to almost every weekend, because he was so popular in the early 90's.

Treasur, it does feel that I have been beating my head up against a wall for the last year.

While I will never stop loving her, it is time to drop the rope and let her go. God knows the plans that he has for us so it is time to let him take the lead.

[Treasur]

Me too, SBJ. I'm just going to have to dig deeper for a bit of faith that God knows what he's doing and wants better for me than this.

[SBJ]

Her divorce was officially granted this morning by the judge.

It is time to get up, dust myself off, and figure out how to THRIVE in all of this. It is now time to focus 100% of my efforts on me and my 3 beautiful kids.

Thank all of you guys for all of the wonderful assistance you have given me and for the friendships I truly feel. I wish you all weren't just screen names. I truly feel the love.

[OwnIt]

SBJ, you lovely man. I know this is not what you want, but it absolves you of worry for her going forward and spares you the pain of another lost anniversary. Claim this one for you and your broken heart that can now begin to mend.

[CaliGuy]

Back to the subject at hand...the emotional roller coaster is crazy for sure. I guess I am just worrying that since it will be legal then the curtains will fall and "if" she is still in contact with the OM, then it will be OK for that to come out into the open. I'm trying to get that out of the old noggin. It's not my circus, nor my monkeys, but it still keeps popping up in my brain.

SBJ... I also had this 'fear' if you will until I really dove in and learned the ins and outs of affairs and MLC. You have to view the OM and the affair like Halloween candy to the MLCr, its a rush and tastes so good and all they want is more more more ... but to much and they will get sick. That rush they are on is very much a drug, the hidden affair adds to that, its secret, exciting but in time it will lose luster, the relationship was built on a foundation of lies and statistically will most likely not hold up.

Her divorce was officially granted this morning by the judge.

It is time to get up, dust myself off, and figure out how to THRIVE in all of this. It is now time to focus 100% of my efforts on me and my 3 beautiful kids.

Thank all of you guys for all of the wonderful assistance you have given me and for the friendships I truly feel. I wish you all weren't just screen names. I truly feel the love.

Well ... its not what any of us ever wanted right? I am sorry that its gone to this point in what seems like a flash, but honestly looking back I wish mine had done so. I have said many times before that I feel the MLCr almost needs this to progress through to the other side .... and the LBS needs it maybe even more. I will not speak for other sitches but in my case, the old marriage I had definitely died as she entered the tunnel of the crisis, I lived for a few years blissfully unaware, then a few more years in denial and trying everything I could to prolong and fight it. I really think it kept us both stuck, and I also see similar situations here and elsewhere where this rings true.

I just think in a few cases that rock bottom can not be found till they exhaust all possible avenues to their imagined euphoria, unfortunately there is a good deal of destruction that takes place as they do this

Hang in there.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

We have walked this road together. I have learned so much from you. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. You really did everything you could. Take care of yourself and go out enjoy some time with your kids and/or your other family members. God still has great plans for you, just not the ones you expected.

[Treasur]

Oh my dear chap, I'm sorry and we're all holding your hand from wherever we are. I'll be with you soon...but we know we did our best and that, as CaliGuy said, we can't stay stuck now in this terrible painful chaos.

You are a fine man, a good Dad, she is a fool and her broken bits say nothing about your value or how worth loving you are. None of us can stop a hurricane. Now we get to clear up and rebuild. Biggest hugs x

[job]

I am sorry it has come to this...but you fought the good fight. Now, it's time to put your focus on you and your children. You will discover in the days to come, that the weight on your shoulders will begin to lighten because you aren't dealing w/the MLCer all of the time. It's time to turn the page in your Life's book and start a new chapter. As for your xw, she's on her own journey and will soon discover that divorce is not all that it's cracked up to be.

Take care of yourself and those precious children.

[Pax_luv]

Sbj, I'm sorry it has come to this.

Know that you are a great person who did everything they could to try and salvage the m. I think you have a bright future ahead of you, for you and your children.

I echo was Cali mentioned. I think in most, if not all of these situations, the ending of the relationship needs to be carried out through the divorce. It hurts, but I think it's the only way for a possible r in the future, for a multitude of reasons that I won't get into here. And that's even if a R is desired.

Wishing you much peace and calmness in the days to come.

[bttrfly]

I'm so sorry it came to this SBJ. You are a wonderful guy and deserve so much more than this!!!

No on to the next chapter! xoxoxoxo

[skm0619]

SBJ......I am so sorry that things did not turn out how you had hoped they would. I hope you know that you are a wonderful man. Your children are very lucky to have you as their father.

Like everyone has said....now it is your time to go and do you

Remember.....one day at a time my friend

[roist]

You will thrive, I am sure of that.

Best wishes

[bttrfly]

SBJ thinking of you and your family. Stay safe xoxoxo
Sending prayers.

[ciluzen]

SBJ, yes you will thrive. You've been doing the work and learning how to get through to the other side of this. You have a great support system here that you can turn to for advice, an ear, or just a virtual hug. It gets better. It really does. Sending good vibes and best wishes to you.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - I've noticed you've not posted since the hurricane landed.

I hope you and your family are well and safe.

[SBJ]

We are just Southeast of Houston and are getting pounded right now. I have several friends who have lost their homes due to the flooding and some are staying with us right now. It brings new meaning to Hurricane Party. Please keep all of us on Texas in your prayers. We are stocked up on water, coffee, beer and whisky. Oh, and we have some food. Haha.

I feel happy that I have all of my kids thru all of this, but the XW hasn't asked for me to help her out thru any of this. I guess they want independence then you have to give them their independence.

God bless Texas!!!

[OwnIt]

SBJ,

Our thoughts are with you. Be safe.

[leahsue]

Yes, SBJ,
Thinking of you. The images from TV are heartbreaking.

[job]

Please stay safe and sound. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Pax_luv]

Keeping you and all of Texas in my prayers. Hope everything is ok.

[SBJ]

Spent the day today evacuating people from a small town near me by boat. 60_70% of the homes there are under water. Most of the houses had 4-6' inside of them. It is totally devastating. These folks have lost everything but the clothes they have on their backs and a small bag of cherished items.

At one point the guy I was riding with and I started to discuss how these people were wading thru all of their memories. It got me thinking about our MLC'ers and how they must view their lives previously. Nothing makes sense. Cherished memories locked up tight inside something, but not accessible to see. Other memories floating in the flood waters never to be seen again.

For now I have lost my best friend and my wife, but I still have all of my memories and the truth of our marriage in tact. These people have lost big time. I hope and pray that God will restore all that has been stolen from them...mind, body & spirit. Not to mention all of their homes and belongings.

BTW...the XW has called a couple of times during this crisis to inform me about something she has heard. Telling me about weather alerts or safety alerts. For someone who doesn't care...she sure does care alot. Crazy.

[bttrfly]

Stay safe SBJ. I've spent the last three days working to get people licensed so we can deploy a team to TX to help people recover from this devastation. I'll keep you and everyone else in TX in my prayers. xoxoxo

[SBJ]

JOURNALING:
Most of the water has finally seceded from our area and now, instead of rescuing people from their flooding homes, we are now helping friends, family and church family clear our their homes and demo what needs to be torn out so they can rebuild what they have lost. Many of these people didn't have flood insurance because they were not in a flood plain...but with 50 inches of water in 3 days anywhere was a flood plain.

The last 2 days I have assisted close friends clear out everything they own and put it in garbage bags and piles on the street so that the trucks can come haul it off. Imagine everything you have worked your entire lives to build and attain being piled up in large moldy and mildew covered messes.

One of the friends is also a LBS and his MLC'er who divorced him 1.5 years ago was right in the middle of all of his house clean up. He is the typical nice-guy ans seems to have been getting the totally wrong signals. She was treating him with such disrespect, and either bossing him around or arguing with him about things. She is definitely the angry MLC'er, whereas mine is the nice and friendly type. Either way, it seems that this devastation has pushed her even deeper in the rabbit hole.

If anyone decides to donate to the Harvey Relief cause, please make sure you donate to a place that the money will actually be used for relief. The Red Cross down here has been a total joke, so I can honestly say that your money would not be used properly.

God bless each and every one of you...May you all have a wonderful day!!!

[AndrewP]

SBJ - Glad to hear that you are Thriving despite the devastation around you.

I'm completely unsurprised to hear how you are pitching in to help your community. That's what good people do.

[roist]

Good on you, SbJ
Best wishes

[roist]

I am glad you are at a place where you don't need to post in your thread as often. That is often a good sign. I hope that is the case.

Your mud run must be close now. Can't wait to hear about it.

Best wishes

[SBJ]

Thanks roist...it is funny that you posted that, but I do (most of the time) feel that I am in a much better place. That being said, I just got off of the phone with the XW talking about my son's bday that is coming up. She mentioned that he wanted to have a party with family and one with friends. We discussed what he wanted to do regarding the friends, then family and then she hesitated. She is not wanting to be anywhere near my parents because of how "They treated her". She said that she didn't want them to upset my kids.

I simply said that we would give all of the grandparents, aunts and uncles the same invite and they could decide if they wanted to attend or not, and then told her that this is about his bday and not about anyone else. It still amazes me that she thinks that everyone should be ok with her decisions. I know that it's a symptom of her reality now, but it is odd. (Everyone should be ok with a wife and a mother totally destroying her family just because she needs to find more passion in her life.) WOW!

JOURNALING
Spent 3 days in the Big Easy with family and had a blast. We drank, ate, drank, walked drank, and then did the Pats/Saints game. One of my boys is a huge Pat's fan. Each time they are close we try and go to the game. It is getting pretty darned expensive, but it is a good time.

As for the mud run, it has been postponed. A couple of reasons...my shoulder is bothering me pretty bad. I have been trying to work thru the discomfort, but my PT buddy has said that I might want to go see a sports doc about it. Any type of push/pull/rotating movement is killing me. I am ready to not hurt...both physically and mentally (haha). The other reason is the place we were doing it was hit by Hurricane Harvey and they haven't decided if it was going to happen. If it does, I might try and at least go root on my buds. If it doesn't I will spent the weekend in the woods stalking Bambi (sorry if that offends anyone, but I am a Texan and we hunt).

[bttrfly]

YES! Another Pats fan!!!!

Re your ex - I'm always struck by how much the universe revolves around them - "how they treated me"

How about how she treated everyone else? No responsibility. No awareness. My teen is more mature than most of these MLCrs.

Good for you for setting her straight. It is about your son and it's up to the family who comes and who doesn't. She is also free to stay away. Sorry, SBJ. Just hit a nerve I guess.

Do get that shoulder checked with an ortho/sports doc. We got the results on my son and the news was good, no tears, but he does have to do some rigorous PT. He's not happy about it but shoulders are nothing to fool with!

xoxo

[SBJ]

bttrfly...he is a huge Pat's fan. I am sure that it is because they have been winning most of his life. It was a great game and while most of the Pat's fans we come into contact with are great, we had one extremely drunk guy try and jump into our cab with us. He spilled his drink all over my brother and my son. Since I have a short fuse to stupidity, I immediately ripped him out of the cab and left him on the side of the road. My brother and son simply laughed at my little scuffle. It [censored] to have one bad apple spoil the bunch. Other than that one knucklehead, we had a blast and me many cool peeps.

As for the selfishness that our MLC'ers experience, it is totally all about them. Maybe in some cases everything has always been about them, but this is the extreme.

It is funny how I have felt a small amount of relief since I have stopped trying to fix it. I have come to realize that I have always been the pursuer, or at least I have been for a couple of decades. I don't know why, but that is the way it ended up. It has just been a kind of relief not trying to make it work, or make someone happy, or make someone understand something, etc.

Don't get me wrong, I still miss who she was, and I miss the closeness and the friendship. I think that we as humans are meant to love and be social. That is why it is good when we GAL and mingle with friends. Even though that is good, it is still hard sometimes going home and not having that one person that we have confided in for so long. That one person that has been our partner in life. That one person that we felt was ours to love forever. At times I see glimpses of her when we talk, but it is odd when I see her drive off like this is normal.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Cowboys vs Pats Super Bowl would do me right.

[Gordie]

SBJ,

Interesting comments about selfishness and pursuing and yet still missing that companionship. I relate to all three.

Glad you enjoyed the game and glad you took care of the drunk guy. Pretty annoying at the time but now you have a good story to tell.

How did you finally drop the rope?

[SBJ]

Gord,

re. selfishness/pursuit/companionship. She has been with me for 26+ years and I have not known an adult life without her. I guess like several of the guys have said on here, we might have been trying to make them or turn them into the person that we feel we need. I don't really know. I know that every relationship seems to cycle and at times during our M she was more loving and caring than at others. When she wasn't I guess I was that pursuing type that tried to keep things moving since we are the fixers.

re. the drunk guy...I can't stand it when people let themselves get so slobbering drunk that they endanger themselves and others. This guy was obviously that guy. He jumped into a cab with 4 grown ass men that could have mopped the floor with him and he didn't see the problem. My son and brother handled themselves well since they got drenched and I lost my cool because he messed with my family. I'm the one that it takes alot to tip over the edge, but when pushed it is not pretty. Unfortunately a similar incident happened many years ago at another sporting event when someone pushed my father...I came unglued.

re. the Rope Drop...I think it is more just realizing that she is out of my control and really never has been in my control. I guess it is also emulating what some of the guys on here have done (Cali, Irish, roist) with regard to how they handle their spouses. I'm trying to make the best out of a $#!tty shituation.

[AndrewP]

I guess like several of the guys have said on here, we might have been trying to make them or turn them into the person that we feel we need. I don't really know.

In my case my STBX told me when she was in the height of her affair that because of me that she was a better person than she would have been otherwise and that she was uncomfortable with that.

I know that they lie an awful lot but even looking back after all these months and then looking back further over all the years married and then further back over the life she had before I met her - I think she was telling the truth. I think that she had been working hard to make herself into the person she thought I wanted her to be and that she thought she should be. But it turned out that that person wasn't the real one.

Or I could be wrong yet again.

On a semi-related note I joked with her more than once over the years that we were married that if we had met each other in high-school that we wouldn't have look twice at the other as we would have been so incompatible. I like to think that I'm still pretty much the same guy I was at 17. More mature, more confident, a "lot" more depth but still pretty much the same guy. The devoted wife and mother that she played was far removed from the "party girl" that she was at the same age.

[Gordie]

I have gotten this speech too. I lost myself in the m. I was trying for 20+ years to be someone that wasn't the real me. I can't fake it any more.

[job]

New Thread:

From the other side of the mountain (pt. 9)