I told a friend after our first date that she was the one. I didn't tell her of course, but it was true. Her mother told me later that my W told her the same thing after dating for 2 weeks. How can we be so sure about something at some point in our lives and then simply let that dream die? It is truly sad.
I had a similar experience with my H and I. I knew we would marry within about three months of dating. I just knew it. He told me the same thing.
I no longer believe in true love or that these things are meant to be. I will live my life much differently going forward. A lot fewer crumbs even if it means I have to pass on the cake.
We can only control what we can control and can only believe what we are open to believing. I won't argue with anyone on how they feel, but I can only say that after we have been hurt as bad as we have been, it will take a long time to heal and to reform any of our feelings as to what it truly means to love or be loved.
I think that our spouses that have left us are acting on "feelings". When you give yourself to someone and choose to "love" them for the entire duration of your wedding vows, there is nothing that you won't do to make things work. When they are acting on their feelings, it doesn't quite work that way. They will go with the wind as long as they feel they should be doing it.
I like the old story of the elderly couple that had been married for 50+ years. When asked how they survived such a long marriage, the husband said that they never fell out of love with each other at the same time, but always stayed committed to one another during their marriage.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
As time goes on, the claims of dissatisfaction get worse and worse. Their focus must be external to help ignore the demons screaming inside.
No, it wasn't THAT bad - for either of you. That's just how they want to remember it to be. Running away from their spouse is easier than running away from themselves, which is ultimately what they're going to end up doing anyway.
I also cannot believe the non-stop cruelty coming from my W at all hours of the day. It's so hard not to take it personally.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
Bru and Fight...I agree that it wasn't bad, but that is how they justify what they are doing...running away to find that elusive "HAPPINESS".
My W is actually on the opposite end of the spectrum...she tries to be as nice as pie all of the time. It is mind bending trying to figure her out, so I have given it all to God...let go and let God.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Your w and my w...they want a d...yet they are so nice!
Sandi2 talks about the cruel wayward w...but what about this nice version?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
They are confusing either way, but the nice one seems to want to keep you as a friend and still be able to be wayward.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I am glad that you have figured out that there is no figuring it out. Mind reading, fortune telling and assumptions will only lead you away from your path and no closer to knowing the truth.
Many WAS are nice until things go against them. Others are nice to help pass the bitter D pill the smoothest possible. Some truly do care for the LBS. As long as the LBS isn't allowing him/herself to be walked over, letting things be nice sure beats the hostility, anger and resentment felt in some situations.
Another point about this niceness is it is partly due to the WAS who has choosen to be nice. Many of the success stories here mention that the WAS remembers how "nice/empathic/calm.... .) The lbs was at the worst moments when they would have been justified to have been angry and resentful.
I would iterate that I doubt being nice turns the situation around but when the WAS reaches the turnaround point, the behavior/attitude of the LBS can then have an influence regardless of how much later that may be.
I think the LBS needs to decide who they want to be and how they want to treat people and interact with them. It should not depend on someone else.
Best wishes
Sbj, how is training going for your event?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thanks for visiting roist...it is always nice to hear from you.
Originally Posted By: roist
Another point about this niceness is it is partly due to the WAS who has choosen to be nice. Many of the success stories here mention that the WAS remembers how "nice/empathic/calm.... .) The lbs was at the worst moments when they would have been justified to have been angry and resentful.
I would iterate that I doubt being nice turns the situation around but when the WAS reaches the turnaround point, the behavior/attitude of the LBS can then have an influence regardless of how much later that may be.
I think the LBS needs to decide who they want to be and how they want to treat people and interact with them. It should not depend on someone else.
I can't speak for all of us on here, but I know that I was always nice, sometimes empathetic, and mostly calm in our M. At least that was how I saw things. I cannot speak for how she felt during the M or how she thinks I reacted or handled things.
I know that I have cycled during the last 12 months and am currently in a very positive mindset. I will treat her with kindness and respect as long as she does the same. If she begins to spew and turn nasty then I will just go dark. The mindset of not my circus and not my monkey comes to mind.
My problem was that during our almost 26 years together, I went from a man (kid because I was so young) that was nice, took care of her, but took charge...to Mr. Nice guy and was taken for granted/walked on. I will never do that again. Not with her or anyone else. That being said...I do want to remain caring to her because I do truly love her. I don't love what she is doing, but I do love the person that I committed myself to in life and for life.
Originally Posted By: roist
Sbj, how is training going for your event?
As for the training, it seems like the hits keep coming. I healed from the broken toe. I had a flare up on an older shoulder injury. I have also had another issue that has flared up a few times in the last 12 months. I am sure that it is stress related, but it gives me excruciating stomach pain and keeps me from wanting to do any strenuous exercise.
On a lighter note, because of the stomach issue I have adjusted my diet and lost 10 lbs. I also adjusted my intake of adult beverages. I think I had drifted too far over the edge and might have been partaking too much.
I had a nice compliment given to me yesterday by a female patient. She said I look better today than I have in quite a while. She was one that had commented around 6 months ago about how run down I looked. I thanked her and gave all the credit to God for guiding me thru this trial.
Roist, I hope all is going well with you. I haven't been keeping up or at least haven't seen any updates lately from you. Peace be with you my friend.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
