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Thanks!

So what I can do at this point is:

- leave her alone, give time and distance
- when we talk, initiated by her unless totally neccessary, avoid conflict and validate
- focus on myself, trying to get healthier as well as detach and GAL
- be the best dad i can be


AS: I totally agree that I cannot go full blown NC. I was thinking about it and think the meaning of NC for me in my sitch is just don't contact W unless neccessary (D or finances) and let her initiate almost all contact. Just what you told me basically. :-)


Is there anything else I can think about when dealing with a WAS? I tried to read around online but having a hard time getting a good overall picture (bits and pieces).

Also, could me validating give W a feeling of me being "fake" ad this is not normal behaviour for me?


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Dealing with her supporting family.

W family is really close and they totally support her in this even though they wish it were different. They just want my W (and D of course) to be happy. But they still keep in contact with me since I am family, sort of anyway. Said things like "things will never be the same again but we can keep contact in the future, maybe play some golf together with D", "we still love you as much as before" and so on. Different comments from various family members.

They tried to talk me into speeding up the divorce early on with comments such as "this is really sad but it is better to work through this quickly and finish the D", "there is no chance for the two of you", "this will in the end be the best for all three of you" (how I hate that comment, ppl trying to tell me how to feel and think).

On the other hand, I notice that my W does not want me to be in contact with her family. She's not telling me this, but she is noticable uncomfortable with me talking to her family. So I try to stay away and stopped contacting them unless it is something like a birthday or doctor's appointment (serious illness). They have not contacted me for about a month as well.

How should I manage my relationships with her family members? Simply keep my distance and be neutral and show the very best me when possible?

It is hard since they feel more like my family than my own does.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Will see W tomorrow shortlymfornthe forst time in 2 weeks since she is dropping of D. Also want to bump. :-)


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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Shortly for the first time.... (see above)


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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Noticed the past week that my sitch about our D is building resentment within me. Still waiting for the court to get back to me regarding annulling our previous agreement (received confirmation that they are handling the matter).

Been trying to suggest really nicely to W that our D should start to sleep in our house with me. Also that we should increase my time with her. W handles it by ignoring those suggestions. Have not asked her in person yet since I only see her when we are dropping D back and forth between us. Also waiting for court decision.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 71
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Met W a couple of times now. It is tense but she appears happy.....


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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she will always ALWAYS appear happy in front of you


UNLESS she can blame you for not being happy (like if she doesn't get to have D a certain expected weekend)

or if you fight for anything in the div that she did not expect...then you'll be even more of an obstacle to her joy.

Do not read anything into HER happiness, but project your own. Use the drop offs as chances to show 180's "on your way to GAL", "a little rushed to be on time to GAL", etc

Do not read anything into the anger she will, eventually, show. Unless it all goes her way and even then...


Meanwhile You can fake it till you make it.

More later...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Thanks, I guess I need to be reminded about it from time to time.


H-30s W-30s
M-5 T-10
D4
ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17
W moves out-May/17
D filed-May/17
House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17
D going through-Jan/18?
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Sorry you are here, SWH, truly. AND I'm sorry for the length of this post but I took yours and tried to go point by point...

I really appreciate your candor in the marital situation b/c it makes it a lot easier for us to respond accordingly. You'd be surprised how many people just cannot be honest even when they are fighting the battle for their marriage and asking for help.

Good on you.



[quote=SwHubby]Background:

We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. D is 4 years old. We bought the house just before D was born. My wife has a long history of suffering from rheumatism as well as depression. Ske was also depressed after D was born.

while I fully concede that ^^ being a factor in your marital problems, the rest of your post reveals that her depression might have been increased for situational reasons. Make sense?

She connected deeply with D: could not stand being away from her, watched me like a hawk when I had her and like changed diapers, would only let others hold D for a short period of time, were (and still is) overprotective.


I don't see this^^^ as a marital issue at this point. Being the best dad you can be and showing your w that you CAN care for your d just fine, is key to you getting partial custody AND it's attractive to every mother to see her child lovingly interacting with the father of that child.


Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance.

I assume you can see that this ^^^ would greatly affect a spouse, too. It wears on them, especially if they are working and doing most of the childcare.


I got better over time and has been working part-time for a while. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

During this period W grew distant from me. At periods, I could not really show affection for her or our D and my physical and phycic endurance has been highly volatile on a daily basis. I have not been able to be my “normal happy me” and I have been around my family physically but not been present mentally. I could just sit there and stare out the window without thinking of anything. I rested a lot.


No offense SWH, but can you see how your Wife could re-write that^^ sentence to say

"HE grew distant from me/us - and H was Just Not There For me or our d"....?

I would think your w was very lonely & tired inside the marriage. She really was doing all the heavy lifting for quite some time.


I'm not trying to bash you when you are down, but I am Not mystified by your w's actions.

Does what I'm saying here^^, make sense?




We have not been intimate for the past year now and I have sensed that she has been more and more withdrawn from me for at least the past 6 months. Not wanting to hug or be close to me.


same as before, she could write that YOU withdrew from her and she has not had intimacy for the past year, etc.

Can you see things from her perspective?


Did either of you ever address any of these many many red flags by talking about them, (fighting about them), seeing a counselor or doctor together?

What is the reason you finally sought treatment?



She started to work after parental leave 2 years ago at a new company, in a position she wanted to have previously.

how'd you guys get by financially while she was on leave and you were not working?


She is really engaged and has quickly become the glue of the place. The person everyone talks to when somethings needs to get done and who everyone likes.

But she has been working too much for a long time.



So, do you think she perhaps blamed you for any of this?? Burning out and seeing you not well for a prolonged time -that changes the marital dynamic.

Did you discuss her working less and if so, how'd that go?

Despite what some feminists friends will say, most women don't enjoy earning more than their h's unless he's a great stay at home dad who fully picks up the slack.

And Even then, it takes a very secure man to handle it.



During the past months, her work description got altered so she could finish work in the assigned hours. Both me and other family members were really worried for her before that because it felt like she was close to burning out.

how did discussions about this^^^ go for you? What did you Do to ease her burden?


I have sensed that this was not going well but told myself that it could be handled in the future. I started to plan for us to find our way back to each other this spring, when W could work less.


So there was some "deferred work" on the marriage and yet worrying about "when she could work less".

I'm sorry SWH.

Please, you have to understand that this^^ sounds like a guy letting his w do all the heavy lifting financially and maritally and parentally for 3+ years, all while "planning" to do something about it to help out, later...that is too much for most women.

She must have loved you very much.


Oh and did you inform your wife of these plans? I mean, How would she know that she could shoulder LESS in the future?



That is also my I sent her away for a week to the sun on holiday (see last post) even though I could not follow due to work.


when you say you "sent her away", does this mean you forced her go somewhere or you paid for her to take a desirable trip out of family funds

or you arranged a family vacation that you could not then join her with, or what?

Also, how are the finances handled generally?


I had felt for a long time that life was hopeless and felt like a victim.


well, ^^^ that's a hard thing for a spouse to live with. Can you see that?

And You can see that it's Not her responsibility to make you feel better either, right?

I'm asking, not saying snarky things. I want to know what realizations you have about your behavior as a partner and co-parent.

Because it just sounds like Her needs have gone unmet for a long time, and in some ways, this would have been very clear.

I mean, it's not as if her needs were rare. Nearly everyone would have a hard time being around your conditions (not blaming you for them, but it feels like you took a long time to address them much).

You described yourself as having been a hopeless guy who needs to be in the dark (what does sensitive to light manifest as, if not dark or dimly lit places) and who rests a lot, who didn't connect with his wife or others, stared vacantly even while present, and in sum, a guy who just does not pull his weight.

GOOD NEWS for you is that Your job now is pretty straight forward.

Show changes in these^^^ conditions.

Not just to get her back. With these types of health/emotional issues I'd think YOU would want to change b/c you have been in a dark depressive funk for some time.

I know your w's choices have hurt you. I get that big time. But I think maybe you needed the wake up call

or you might have gone on the rest of your life in some twilight zone, not really living.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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PART 2


However, I started to feel better about myself. Took action during spring: I have been decreasing the level of anti-depressants (think that they may be partly responsible for my emotional numbness), went on a 1 week camp for ppl with fatigue syndrome (learned that I had already come a long way in healing myself compared to others),

not sure this^^ helps you much in the situation, b/c now it's all about helping your w see your improvement from what was, to what IS. (Not vague promises to get better later.
Make sense?


booked travels for us (anniverseries), trying to find activities for just the two of us, \

are YOU GAL? How difficult is it to find activities? What do you mean by "trying" to find them?


discussing other things than D, getting some light physical exercise. However, it seems like it was too late, too little.



Then Do more (for yourself, which paradoxically, makes you more appealing to her).

Here is the "math" of it:

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in

W issues:
- She cannot see a future where I’m not sick. That the situation cannot get any better. Life with me in it is hopeless.


Well, You did describe life that way, for some time.

Again, you need to show her the new you. If she's been asking for you to get help or change or help her more, for a long time, then it's going to take longer for you to prove yourself to be a husband only a fool would leave.

Show her the new you OR the restored you, etc.



- She is really unhappy and think that the only solution would be to leave me. That I am to blame for her unhappiness and everything that is bad in her life and our relationship is because of my illness.
- She thinks that I cannot take care of myself and therefore not being able to take care of a child (based on how I’ve been before in my illness).

How can you reassure her that it's not true, now?



- She also thinks that I could have done more to get healthy faster.


and maybe she has a point.

Regardless, your course of action remains the same.

Change for YOU
(b/c it cannot be good to be in your shoes for the rest of your life)





- She thinks that I am unable to discuss emotional stuff. This has been a problem for me since childhood, but I have at least improved over time.




And you say it's been "improved over time", which means what? That it is "somewhat addressed" now.

Are you still trying to get to a point where you two can discuss anything emotional?

What were you like before this ailment befell you?



- I have a hard time taking action. I read and plan a lot, but either it takes too long or I do not get to the action part.
- She thinks that I take her for granted snd did not show her affection. I have been prioritizing myself the past years.



From your very honest description, there is validity to these^^ issues.

What are you doing about them?


- She gets unhappy and feel guilt when we are discussing fianancial issues, because she generally wants to buy stuff and I ask her if we really need that particular stuff.

or maybe she resents it. Maybe it would be better to help her feel some joy in a deserved gift by sharing in the selection, and or complimenting the choice.

I'm just saying this^^ b/c - I'm not picking up a "guilt" vibe from her, so much as disappointment and resentment on her end, like you are a killjoy of sorts.

But I don't know her obviously


-
- One thing I noticed when reading is that we have different love languages. I need physical intimacy which my wife has problems with.

I think you wrote that You were not able to be intimate, or you lost interest in it for some time...

Anyhow, did you two fight or talk about it?

Women need emotional support to be in the mood, and that's why we are not particularly receptive to ML after a fight, or after being disappointed in our spouses.


She wants to be shown by actions that she is important,



Just going out on a limb here, but every woman wants to be shown and feel important to her h. We want to be shown that we/the marriage/family are THE priority to our h's.

What were you like when she first met & fell in love with you?

What would it take to get back to that guy?



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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