So I sent W the following message. I thought long and hard about it and knowing my W very well, I think this was the appropriate response for now.
"Thank you for the message. I didn't think we would be here and I don't want to be here - this is not my choice.
Just making it clear again that I don't want to be here and this wasn't a mutual decision.
I am respecting your wishes about the separation and having space.
Trying to validate and acknowledge what she wants.
If you want to talk about our relationship, I am here to listen to you.
As I said before, I need to gently let her know that the door is slightly open without making it sound like I am pursuing her. She needs to have an indication that I am here to listen. This also creates good opportunities for me to validate - doing it a few times it has already shown good merit.
In the meantime I am doing things to move on with my life and being critical of how I contributed to this situation and get healthy.
This is to let her know I am not standing still and moping, but getting on with life. Also, that I am doing deep soul-searching and hopefully she does as well.
Tomorrow still works after 7pm. Let me know when you're coming. Hope you have a good day.
She came over last time without telling me. This is just a gentle reminder that she needs to let me know.
Now let's see how tomorrow goes. I don't have any expectations about this message nor do I care if she responds. Tomorrow we're meeting to talk about finances and kids. Let's see if she brings up anything else. I am going to go over the validation cheat sheet again and have some responses ready.
I feel good about the message. I won't be reminding her again about this, but now it's at least clear for her from my end where I stand.
"Thank you for the message. I didn't think we would be here and I don't want to be here - this is not my choice.
Just making it clear again that I don't want to be here and this wasn't a mutual decision.
She knows it's not your choice. Saying something like that probably just made her roll her eyes.
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I am respecting your wishes about the separation and having space.
Trying to validate and acknowledge what she wants.
First that's not validation, validation is when she expresses her feelings to you and you mirror them back and offer empathy. Second, why would you feel the need to tell her you're giving her space? You just handed all the control back to her. Part of giving her space is making her wonder what you are up to. You need to be aloof and mysterious. Instead you just told her "hey I'm sitting here waiting for you."
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If you want to talk about our relationship, I am here to listen to you.
As I said before, I need to gently let her know that the door is slightly open without making it sound like I am pursuing her. She needs to have an indication that I am here to listen. This also creates good opportunities for me to validate - doing it a few times it has already shown good merit.
Oh boy. You basically just said "hey wife, here I am, Plan B, whenever you're ready I'll be here waiting!" NO, get out and get a life!
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In the meantime I am doing things to move on with my life and being critical of how I contributed to this situation and get healthy.
This is to let her know I am not standing still and moping, but getting on with life. Also, that I am doing deep soul-searching and hopefully she does as well.
Here is what she hears "blah blah blah". Don't TELL her, just DO it!
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Tomorrow still works after 7pm. Let me know when you're coming. Hope you have a good day.
She came over last time without telling me. This is just a gentle reminder that she needs to let me know.
That wasn't a gentle reminder of anything. If you want to remind her of the boundaries then don't dance around it. "W, we had previously discussed you letting me know before you come over and you didn't last time, I would appreciate it if you do this time and in the future."
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I don't have any expectations about this message nor do I care if she responds.
Good, because she probably won't, unless it's just to confirm the time.
Haha! that made me chuckle as I shake my head trying to navigate this. Points well taken AnotherStander.
She responded to my message saying: "See you tomorrow at 7:15. I am also open to talking about the relationship."
I don't know what to make of that, but in reading your comments I realized my errors.
So, how do I get back from this? i have not been initiating any MR talks or asking her about her at all and keeping info about myself very very limited. I am not doing any texts, phone calls, or emails.
I will post how tomorrow goes, but how do I get the upper hand back? We are physically separated and she doesn't know what i do on a daily basis.
The only reason I wanted to let her know she can talk to me and I will listen is because I believe she is suffering from deep depression and I didn't want my DBing to push her further away. one of the reasons she stated for the S was that i was emotionally distant.
I am trying to validate (I see my error in the text as you point out), and do all the DBing. I am afraid if she doesn't get a chance to see how I will handle her comments about the MR, she will just chalk it upto the old me that is emotionally distant.
Anyways, your points are well taken and I just need to get back in control. Any advice on that will be appreciated. Thanks a ton!
That's a tough one because you don't want to seem too eager. Maybe you could start by asking her how she is doing, how are things going and see if she will open up and take the lead from there.
Re-read the rules. She is doing this to you. Don't let her believe that she can reverse her decision at her will. Don't be a safety net. Get strong, stay strong, it is the way that works.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Thanks. Okay! I realize I am still being a softy and wishy washy and focusing too much attention on every little detail. Meanwhile, I am not focusing on myself as much as needed.
I will re-read the rules. I should do it everyday until it becomes natural.
I see that I am sabotaging my own detachment efforts.
I will still post how tomorrow goes. If she asks me if I want to talk about the MR, I am just going to respond with 'no'. If she wants to talk, I will do validation. Does that sound like a reasonable plan? If I have opened a door, I need to close it real fast.
Listen and validate. Do not make crumbs into loaves. Remember it's ok to say you need time to think and reflect on what she says. Please remember that in the end only actions count x
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I like the response about needing time to think and reflect. Which I generally should do anyway, but this stops me saying something off the cuff that might make the situation worse.
Just reflecting on everything in the last few weeks, it is becoming more clear that the major issues are with her and instead of dealing with them she has decided to cut and run. Don't get me wrong - I know that I have also failed in the marriage, but I don't think my failure is separation-worthy. It is fixable and I was willing to put in the work, but W wasn't.
I am also realizing that this is stinging me a lot because her wanting the S has hurt my pride and ego. I know the qualities I bring to a relationship and how effing fantastic some of that is, but I've also realized how other life stuff in the past few years put me in a depressed state. With the help of IC and me going out and starting to GAL, I am coming out of it slowly.
Most of the time I've felt like I am walking on eggshells around her, partly due to being a NGS. I am working on not being bothered by her reactions to what I want, and just saying it kindly but firmly. Now that we're physically separated, our personal interactions are going to be very limited.
My game plan for tonight is to discuss finances and kids, and then finishing it up, unless she wants to talk to me about something. In that case, I am going to do what Treasur said and read up on the validation cheat sheet.
Just reflecting on everything in the last few weeks, it is becoming more clear that the major issues are with her and instead of dealing with them she has decided to cut and run. Don't get me wrong - I know that I have also failed in the marriage, but I don't think my failure is separation-worthy. It is fixable and I was willing to put in the work, but W wasn't.
I am also realizing that this is stinging me a lot because her wanting the S has hurt my pride and ego. I know the qualities I bring to a relationship and how effing fantastic some of that is, but I've also realized how other life stuff in the past few years put me in a depressed state. With the help of IC and me going out and starting to GAL, I am coming out of it slowly.
Maika......I feel your pain and I am in the exact same boat. Nothing I did was separation worthy and are things I can work on to be a better person. It [censored] and are you 100% certain there is not OM? Maybe something emotional? That is the only thing I can think of in my sitch.
