While I wait for Sandi's reply, here is today's Sitch Desk Update:
Today is the wedding anniversary. W texted me the following this morning
"Hey, hope you slept okay the last couple of nights. I hope you are doing okay. I'll see you tomorrow if that's still okay with you. It's our 10th anniversary today. I didn't think, 10 years ago, that we would be here. Despite everything you have been kind and respectful towards me so I just wanted to say thank you."
What the H$LL am I supposed to say to that. I don't plan on replying until later in the afternoon or evening. But what do I respond with?
It appears like her only question was about if seeing you tomorrow is ok.....I know my tendency would be to reply with something sappy/emotional however something simple as your welcome and tomorrow is still good probably is more appropriate.
It [censored] because you hang on to threads of hope that there is a chance of piecing things back together then you get something like this and it is a jolt to your system. I guess the part about detaching and not caring is really applicable.
The same thing happened to me last Friday when my W told me a D was still going to happen despite me not contacting her, removing pressure, etc.
I have been clear to her that I am open to communicating about kids, finances, separation stuff etc, but I am not in a place where I can be her friend. She is a huge conflict-avoider and saying what's on her mind directly. I want to communicate to her that the door is still open if she wants to talk about the MR and if she's having a change of heart about things or not. With me GALing and her not knowing what I am upto has created a scenario where she's thinking that I am with another woman, which is not the case. With all that said, I am thinking of replying along the following lines:
"Thank you for the message. I didn't think we would be here and I don't want to be here - this is not my choice. I am respecting your wishes about the separation and having space. As this was initiated by you, I will not be initiating any conversations about the relationship. If you want to talk about our relationship, I am here to listen to you. In the meantime I am doing things to move on with my life and being critical of how I contributed to this situation and get healthy. Tomorrow still works after 6pm. Let me know when you're coming. Hope you have a good day."
I am not the expert so I have no idea what to tell you in regards to your response. It is a fine line between seeming like you are treating her like an acquaintance but not giving too much. I just wonder if you stick to your guns and if your giving away too much information but what you are trying to do. I want to say similar things to my W but at the end of the day I'm not sure it would do any good. Either way it just stinks.
Yeah. I think my only agenda is that I am open to listening to her about the MR, but I won't initiate it. And that I am moving on with my life - not giving an ultimatum or timeline, but letting her know that I am not sitting and moping around.
I just don't want her to think that she can't talk to me about the relationship and what's going on in her head because I am not her friend anymore.
Obviously all of those MR conversations, if they happen, would just be me listening and validating - still DBing.
I don't intend to tell her how I am moving on with my life and what changes I am making. She will still be an acquaintance. I have zero expectations of her opening up to me or changing her mind, but I just need her to know that I am open to listening.
I would go for short and generic, 'Thank you for the message', short and truthful 'It is a strange place to be, you're right.' or short and DB 'Tomorrow is fine'
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I agree it is madness!!! On Saturday I told my W that I would always be there for her, she was the mother of my children and I would not let anything happen to her. She just looked at me with a glazed look in her face. I probably should not have done it but I let me guard down. The reason I say this is because we have to put faith in them that they know deep down inside that they can come talk to us. I don't think us reminding them every month or so is going to make a difference. At the end of the day they created this mess so they need to be the ones to stop the madness!
I agree it is madness!!! On Saturday I told my W that I would always be there for her, she was the mother of my children and I would not let anything happen to her.
Never tell your wife "I will always be there for you"!
