I have been lurking around these forums in the last month and I finally decided to put my story here so that I could get some perspective and feedback.
I am 36, W 33, Married 10 years, together 12 years, two kids - S 8yrs / D 6 yrs.
2 months ago W said that she has been unhappy in the marriage for at least 5 years and she wants a separation. This came out of the blue for me. I know that we weren't doing amazing, but it never felt like it was this catastrophic. I have been through some really rough challenges in my life and I know that I had become emotionally distant over the years. Specifically in the last few years when some family issues blew up. I thought that I could just handle everything myself emotionally and mentally, but I was in depression and this affected my W. She said that I most likely didn't love her and that I would never leave her even if I was unhappy out of loyalty. She said she has felt unloved by me in the last many years and that she still cares about me and loves me, but is not in love with me anymore.
To add to this, we have recently gone through some financial stress. We never communicated well about finances and I was under a lot of stress at work in the last six months where I dropped the ball on managing our finances properly resulting in us not being able to pay down some debt as we had agreed upon. She will once in a while get all worked up about finances, but she never pays attention to how much we have, what we spend, and what to plan. So, I am usually the one who ends up doing it - and this is fine, but there has never been a real partnership about managing this together.
We also bought a house last year and now we are trying to figure out how to keep it for at least another year so we don't lose money, but we can still pay down the debt in a timely manner and manage a separation. I suggested a plan to her that would require us developing that communication and partnership over the next year so that we could pay all the debt off and even save some money, but she wants both of us to take care of stuff separately rather than figure out how we can work together on this.
So, after she asked for separation and stated some of the reasons, I immediately went into IC as I recognized that I need to get help for myself, even if the marriage isn't saved. The IC has been helpful so far and I am going to continue it for a while. She plans to do IC and we agreed to do MC, but I have left it in her court to set that up. I made some mistakes early on like begging and pleading, but I have stopped that and I am trying to follow Sandi's rules and doing a 180 that feels authentic.
I have told her that I am in love with her, I don't want this separation or a divorce, and she hasn't budged on her position on this. She is running hot and cold at times and I am keeping a cool equilibrium for now. She has kissed me a few times and spent the night in bed with me (no sex), super friendly at times and then cold at other times - I know to expect that and not read into it too much.
So, I am going to move out really soon and we are both committed to making it work for the kids where we have them 50/50. I am a super involved dad and I wouldn't imagine it any other way. I took time off in my career to raise them and both my kids are very attached to me, as well as their mom.
In terms of following Sandi's rules and doing a 180, I am working on GAL - I have lots of things that I put on the back burner for myself as I didn't have time, but now I can do them which is fantastic. I am trying to detach myself and have no expectations. As one of her main reasons for wanting the separation is that she felt unloved and I was emotionally distant, how do I do a 180 where I show her that I am there for her and follow some of Sandi's rules? Also, after I move out, I am afraid that if I go dark, it will only confirm her thoughts about me being uncaring and emotionally unavailable for her. But I am also not in a place where I can be her emotional safety net and best friend.
I am trying to strike a balance between what I need to do to move on - I am assuming that she won't want to revive the marriage, but I do hold out a tiny bit of hope - just enough to be optimistic but not so much that it stops me from GAL.
I am just unsure how to proceed once I move out.
I appreciate any feedback on this and I am more than happy to provide more details and clarify.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am in the middle of a situation myself so I don't have any success stories however you must 100% let go. Stop the begging, pleading etc. no I love you's nothing. My wife moved out 3 weeks ago, essentially told me the same thing. The only time I speak to her is for kid pick up, I have 2 D's 8 and 6. I keep myself busy every night, hit the gym, have been noticed by some ladies which has boosted my confidence so really at this point in time I don't care. I know who I am as a man, father and husband. If she doesn't want it there are a million ladies that would. She can't view you as this clingy person with no life. Give it time and see if she comes around.
If you move out go dark and initiate nothing except about the kids. Show her you are a desirable man that is worth having in her life!
@ SmokeyD Thanks for your encouraging words. I am hurting a lot and just trying to get to an emotional equilibrium when I have to engage with her. I stopped all pursuing and showing any signs of being miserable or being cold to her. I have to GAL and that is what I am going to focus on. I know what I bring to a relationship and what kind of father and husband I am. I recognize that I had not dealt with my own emotional baggage from life events and I am working on it during IC. I have to do it for myself to get some peace and happiness for myself and my children. I will go dark once I move out because that is the only way I can see moving forward in the short term for my own emotional healing and doing self-care. I just think she blames everything on me and doesn't recognize fully how she has contributed to this, but if we do MC, we will explore that.
@ Kaizen I am moving out because it works better financially. But, I am the one giving up the house and everything that comes with it and starting from scratch basically. Trying to find a rental place for now for the short term. Really [censored], but there is no way around it financially right now.
No worries, man it [censored] but as soon as you feel in control of the situation and less dependent on her actions I think you will feel better. When my wife told me she wanted to move out in 2 months I told her I couldn't walk around on pins and needles that she if she wanted to go to make it happen. In a week she had moved out and all of her stuff is gone.
I have read in here from many different people that at this time MC won't work. You may want to get other folks opinions. This site has helped me out tremendously so keep reading and blogging.
IMO this is really all about your self-confidence and as soon as you get your mojo back and feel like a MAN you will do much better. Detaching and GALing is so important, just go talk to some ladies (not dating or anything) just get that swagger back!
I am moving out because it works better financially. But, I am the one giving up the house and everything that comes with it and starting from scratch basically.
Maika,
What if someone told you that it's likely your wife is having an affair? Would that change your mind about who moves out of the house?
Yes, this site has been a boon and I have learned so much just in a few short weeks, which has helped me emotionally and mentally. I am going to focus on GAL and working on my self-confidence. I am hitting the gym on the regular soon and working on my hobbies, which I had put on the side.
I am not sure if MC will work at this point, but she has said she wants to do MC. I suggested that she do IC first and then we can do MC. But, I am not interested in doing MC if she doesn't want to work on the Marriage. I just don't see the point in that, but let's see what happens. It is in her court to initiate this and I am going to hang back and work on myself.
I am fairly certain she's not having an EA or a PA. She wouldn't be able to hide that well. But again, I had no idea our M was at this stage so who knows. If she was having an affair, then that would definitely change things up in terms of me moving out of the house. However, she earns more than me and I would not be able to financially sustain the house, but she can for now - just barely. So, to not upset the sitch for the kids, me moving out makes sense so that the kids still have this home.
