Count on ups and downs (IV)

[peacetoday]

Sorry for your pain
I know how hard it is

all I can say is as much as I didn't want to separate or have XH leave the house for good
It definitely was easier living without his negative hurtful energy around

so If the situation and living together seems too difficult-living separately may be better
but I wouldn't leave if it were me till I knew my rights financially

will she be keeping the kids

[WillDo]

She wants to have the kids. Hence asking me to move out to be less desruptive to them. You are pointing out that moving out is not simply going somewhere else to live. Will need to detail it all out to see the financial implications. Thanks!

[roist]

What do you want? A R with W is not an option right now. Ginen that what do YOU WANT? Take time to figure this out.

How often will you see your kids?
Her having full custudy can mean a bigger monthly cheque from you.
Financial questions about mortgage(s) need to be finalised. Are you going to pay rent and continue paying half the mortgage? Do you pay only half now?

Catering for what W wants should not even be a consideration for you now. It is time to MAN up and make a stand for what you want. Your future could depend on it

Best wishes

[WillDo]

I don't know what to say. Not much has changed. I started getting therapy after I came back. Under pressure to move out.

[WillDo]

I want to feel good. I have read over again and will do again. I will change. That is why I chose therapy again despite the cost and the ongoing disrespect of my wife. She sees it as waste of money and tginks I should spend it at getting a better place. I can't respond still but hoping that I will get the mindset. Still finding acting as if useful. Makes me less tense.

[Sotto]

Hi WillDo, I'm glad that you decided to choose therapy again as getting to a better place yourself is the primary aim here - whatever your spouse may be doing.

I notice your timeline is similar to mine - though we S at BD and XH pressed ahead with D which finalised last year. It wasn't what I wanted, but in a way is easier than a long term in-house situation like yours. You may find it helpful to read Gordie's thread as he is also living with his spouse.

So, if we go back to DB basics - GALing, which leads to detachment, working on you, 180s - can you tell us a little bit more about how things are going here??

Have you seen any movement WRT your relationship over this time? Is your W still focused on separation? You mentioned her disrespect and I wondered how you respond when you feel she is disrespectful?

Tell us a little more and hopefully we can help...this site has certainly played a bit part in helping me get to a better place. I recently read that the path to happiness is to focus on these three things - self love, love for others (having good connections with friends and family, animals - which may or may not include a romantic relationship) and doing things you love.

I would add to this - practicing gratitude - and I also found Shawn Achor's TED talk really helpful for 5 things you can do if you want to feel better - meditate, exercise, gratitude, journal about a positive thing yesterday and an act of kindness. I think what you focus on grows, so if we focus on our errant spouse and the 'difficult' situation - our whole life feels difficult - but if we focus on the abundance in our lives separate to our spouse, that grows too....not easy by any means, but possible...

Take care and I hope the weekend brings some little moments of joy for you. :-)

[WillDo]

I recall your thread back when you started. Hope you are feeling good about where you are.

This forum has certainly opened my eyes. I know that I got frustrated from time to time and couldn't act as possibly advised. I got more convinced that I fitted into the Nice Guy Syndrome and wasn't really good looking after myself. Actually I still am not. Still early days for the sessions.

W wants me out by the end of this month. I feel like it would be better for me to stay still. But I had an episode of reading into m W and it didn't end good. Disrespect. I still can't confront. Don't want to create a fire. One of the interesting things of therapy was I had talked about what was going on with someone. Not on a forum. A real person listening. Did do it before but now it sounded wow what has been happening. I am very angry!


Yes gratitude. I use the gratitude rock as told in "The Secret" I am reminding myself the law of attraction focusing on my wellbeing.

I do get panic attacks and I do see myself depressed but not like how I used to 10 years ago.ie not clinically depressed. I have my methods.

I really need to get myself back out.

Thanks so much for your message.

[WillDo]

I am reading Gordie. I really don't want to move out buf as I eminded myself reading there resistance will push her. She is controlling everything. I fill like a nanny. She told me her dates when she is working and asked me to cover. But again asked a out my room hunt. I am looking for a place close by but struggling with the idea. Especially after all I have done. That os where I see the Nice Guy Sendrom. I have been nice but again disn't get respect. For 5 weeks in US slept at 11 woke up at 4 to handle my work, the kids and her work. We were there during vacation as part of her work.

[roist]

Why do you feel that it is best for you to stay?

If you believe what you read about being a nice guy, what do you think of the action points in that book?

"Especially after all I have done". This indicates that you are doing things for the wrong reasons. You cannot nice your way back into her good books and you certainly should not expect her to do anything just because you do X Y and Z.

You still appear to be putting her needs and family needs before your own. Until you realise your own self worth and put that as a priority for you, you risk to remain stuck.

You cannot save your M........... unless you save YOU first. You are half the M equation. Fix yourself. Both of you need to be emotionally healthy to build a R. So if she was ready tomorrow,yyou won't be. Start working on you. NOW. It will take time. Secondly you will have a better chance of re-attracting her if you are a self confident, non-dependant man with appropriate boundaries.

Reread the advice you have received since being here. People are trying to help you, but you are stuck and cannot act. Your W has consistently and constantly stated she wants you out. I won't repeat the opinions on who should move, but the current situation is like she feels ignored and her decision is not accepted. That is her sole focus and she cannot move forward as long as the current situation continues.

Sorry if I am being harsh but I am doing so to help you.

Best wishes

[WillDo]

Thank you for your remark.

Choosing to find a psychologist and work with him was my decision. That is the first rule of getting out of the Nice Guy Syndrome.

Being self-confident? I have achieved that with a psychologist before. Therapy is something I believe helps. When you face depression, that is the message you get as well. Look after yourself first. I have not been able to master tgat in life. That I know of. But I am where I am and that is OK.