Count on ups and downs (IV)

[WillDo]

Last Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2733327#Post2733327

[WillDo]

Summary:

I have been working on saving my marriage for the last 3 years. While I see the situation as my W's midlife crisis, I acknowledge my misbehaviours and having reading on how to change things around. Recently, had a down and W now wants separation. I agreed to move out and spend some time on our other flat. Haven't started yet. Will be away in US for 6 weeks with whole family.

She has threatened of filing divorce and in her terms going nasty. I have a history of depression which has caused a certain part of the marriage dissatisfaction. W has IMHO has blocked me out during the upbringing of our twins and felt I had abandoned the family during my temporary assignment in another country. Deep down I sense the MIL had an impact on her regarding these actions. During my assignment, she developed an affair with OM. Now I see her on online dating sites.

[WillDo]

Couldn't sleep again although I excused myself to go to bed early since I have been sleepless for sometime. W on top of the cold soar she said she had her peiod early. That does explain her mood against me back few days. That monthly cycle of mood swings is so real. I had one point had it in my calender to track mood.

I have to scream loud. I don't want separation. Denial, No accpetance but mine is law of attartion Ask and it is given.

I have decided to do more changes in my life to give focus on myself. I had listed some radical changes I had done on my previous thread. As in the 180 list, no going back. Some more.

Less interaction with my phone. I am using it now. Hard to type. Now back to reading from my kndle. Finally downloaded No More Mr Nice Guy fully. You read yourself but haven't come to the stage what to do about it.

Thank you for listening.

[WillDo]

So No More Mr Nice Guy. Sandi has been an advocate of this book. Nice Guy is a term my W, my friends and my colleague have said about me. A teacher of my had once told me to my face that I would be a great diplomat. Saying No More really felt that that would not help me. I incorporated plenty of change from DR, another book and influence on this forum. While I had results, I see now how I am in a cheeseless tunnel. Doing the same things over and over again.

[roist]

I will be interested in your thoughts when you have finished that book.

I am glad you see and want to get out of that cheeseless tunnel.

You have mentioned the law of attraction a few times. Are you doing anything on that? The mindset is only the first step.

Best wishes

[WillDo]

My impression has been really good for the book. I found myself and the solutions are good. Methods that would not be foreign for people like us searching our souls.

Law of attraction. Had even been to a Hicks seminar. Though had been too involved n DB had forgotten about the concepts I do bring them back:
You are who you arr and that is ok. It is the feeling first then manifestation

On a note today our interaction was great. The trip is keeping the excitment. We talked again about moving out (she started the conversation). I talked about my feelings. She is not aligned with me. So kept DBing with her. It was awkward. She properly feels in control of this marriage now. I will read my old posts.

[WillDo]

The mood has again been good. As a family, we went to the flat and gave it a good clean and had lunch there. Looked at options for renting out for 2 months. For one tenant I hoped she had said even a year. I was mistaken.

The theme of the book is love yourself first. Have your priorities met first. One other point that is making sense is toxic shame that you feel when you know things are wrong and how you conceal that wrong behaviour. You say different things to people. You aren't really nice.

My very first therapy tackled all these and I always think this how I build my current relationship. I dipped back into the blackhole of depression again. While feeling everything was OK, as Michele nicely puts W must have been doing an escape plan. Nice guys are caretakers. W did caretaking. Maybe that was too nice for her and felt self had gone.

My head wants to switch to begging mode. The interaction is good. Darn. I at one point looked unhappy. She asked me what is bothering. I said I felt very thirsty. Toxic shame. Now that is the dilemma of the teachings for me. Validating, boundries, detachment, last resort technique and Mr Nice Guy.

[WillDo]

It has been an interesting day.

I had agreed to move out to start separation. This has been
after I gave in as W started saying that she would file for D otherwise. Why not move out now?
As a family, we will be in US for 6 weeks. W will be attending a course there. The plan had been to move out to the flat that we normally rent out. Yesterday, when cleaning the flat, W started saying depending on who moves to the flat... Well the day before she had me on the hook to move. This morning MIL called and asked about the house. She said it would be good if you had it with an agent. Almost 5 minutes after she hang up, W suggested using an agent. I'm not off the hook but not to the flat.

And tonight we had a chat. She said I was making her feel bad about the move. I said I know I am feeling bad. Then she started talking about events where she felt sad because of me.I listened and apologised. What more can I say? I don't want another conflict.

I suppose I will be at a nearby hotel or rent a room.

I also don't want to read into anything.

In terms of GAL, continue to avoid phone but do reading. my readings highlight the importance of loving yourself almost 3 different proses. That is my focus. And Law of Attraction. In the morning I felt it was really working.

[peacetoday]

Hi

I dont know your full situation but you may want to consult a L- this doesn't mean you will file or even tell your wife
its just to learn the facts and the law in your situation
many L here do free consults and they give a ton of great information
I saw a L early on so but he time my xh Filed..I had a very good L in place
I knew my rights ..I got to keep my house //I could protect my kids from his craziness
I saved our business

jGo -just to see your options, especially if you do move out

I would hate to see you at a nearby hotel to renting a room
especially if you own another flat
its better to know what your options are just in case in comes to D
the MLCer will try to take everything they can with no concern for the LBS or the kids
protect your assets and your self

the MLCer will do what they will regardless if we are nice or not

[WillDo]

Thanks. Your previous update had made me notice to incorporate Law of Attraction more in my life again.

This will be better. The kids will not change their spot. No need to explain to neighbours at other flat plus too many memories there. Yesterday, at a point she asked what I would do. I said rent a room. She ssid I wouldn't share things. I had already been working hard all day. The conversation brought me down. I was so tired that while doing diy broke a mirror. Didnt want anythin else.

I turn to being positive bit dieing inside.

I will see about my options.