I agree with SJW. You'll know when you are done. If you aren't sure...then you aren't done. You will keep doing this until you can't, because that's exactly as long as you can do it.
I am not sure if I have any advice for you other than to say that you aren't alone...I'm feeling it with you. I think sometimes you just have to sit still and calm yourself in the eye of the storm.
I think you are right there. Its just getting to me lately and I'm getting frustrated and angry. I need to take a step back. I think I'm primed for a 180/Sandi's rules right about now. Really going to focus on doing what I need to do for myself for once.
Well she is full steam ahead. Called the solictor for selling the house today. Is organising to get some real estate agents in to value the house. Gave me the papers to sign so she can get some government pay assistance. We'll be officially separated soon.
Right now it's not really hurting. I'm more frustrated and angry but also kind of relieved. Nothing is going to change while living together. I guess I'm just sick of this. I know the hurt will come though.
I'm trying to 180/Sandi's rules for myself now. Of course I'm hopeful that it will bring her back, but primarily doing it for me. Honestly, I've lost a lot of hope that she will come back lately.
Right now it's not really hurting. I'm more frustrated and angry but also kind of relieved. Nothing is going to change while living together. I guess I'm just sick of this. I know the hurt will come though.
I think you are right, once a WAW gets to this point there's really not much point in staying together because they really can't go on their journey of discovery until separation. So this may actually be a good thing, a step forward. It'll help you detach as well. I know it hurts and I'm sorry you're having to go through those emotions. And it'll be really difficult at first, but I promise it does get better. Separation has a way of allowing you to take your focus off your sitch and put it on yourself.
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Honestly, I've lost a lot of hope that she will come back lately.
No reason at all to give up hope. A lot of WAWs discover that once they move out, their fantasy really was a fantasy after all. Their dreams of a new and improved life usually don't come true. Then they have to look inside to see where the hurt and pain is really coming from, and that's the journey they should have been on in the first place.
[quote=sjohns6]I need to take a step back. I think I'm primed for a 180/Sandi's rules right about now. Really going to focus on doing what I need to do for myself for once.
Yes, this. Exactly this. If you're frustrated and angry then you're not doing it right.
Yes, this. Exactly this. If you're frustrated and angry then you're not doing it right.
Its hard not to be, really hard, but I'm trying.
This is going to get harder for her soon. When I tell my friends that we are separating again, I wont be holding back the reason why. This isn't out of spite or me trying to be vengeful, its that I'm not going to be part of this shitty little secret anymore. There will be blow back for my W that I cant control and have no desire to.
I have just read "Healing from Infidelity" by MWD and in it she says to be careful who we expose the A to as if my W and I do reconcile in the future, we only want friends who are supportive of our marriage to know what really happened.
So, I wont be going out with a big post on facebook or anything but will be letting my close family and friends know the reasons why.
Having one of those "its really happening" moments again. Wondering if I am doing everything right.
W initiated a talk, primarily about money, to see if we could afford for her to move out into her own place while I stay till the house sells. She mentioned again how she hates seeing me down. How she hates crying everyday so just needs to get out. She said she is powering through with all this because I told her I was done living in limbo the last time we discussed things.
We didn't dwell on much R talk and I didn't get emotional like she did. I mentioned that I did it as I am thinking of myself for the first time in all of this. Told her that she knows where I stand, what I want, which is not this, but the further she pushes me away the harder it will be for me to come back.
I cancelled a dinner together that we had had planned for a while. She asked about it, I said that was something I wanted to do as a married couple. If we are separated and not a "couple" then I guess we don't do things like that anymore.
Now I find myself sitting her at work wondering if I am doing things right. It just feels so wrong to go along with all this, giving her space when I want the complete opposite. I can only hope she snaps out of it one day before its too late.
The point really is to detach. Separation helps a lot. I moved out last week. I am not emotional and thinking about hope etc much less, pretty much only when I start googling and reading stuff/When commenting here. At work I'm not even thinking about her.
The point of the 180 is to get yourself back, not your wife. She does what she does and you can't control it. Pursuing would only get her back if she felt guilty enough to override the decision, in which case the relationship would never last long. Your old relationship is dead. She needs to walk the path herself and see what she really wants. Realize how she contributed to the fall of the marriage. Meanwhile you make yourself the best man ever. Someone who is happy and determined to go through life whatever happens.
There really is no guarantee that you get back together. We need to support each other and just keep improving ourselves. Better days will come! Write, write and write.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
Hi Forbet, so sorry to read about your M problems. At this particular time in your stitch, I suggest you start living as if the two of you are physically separated. You need to GAL like there's no tomorrow. Your heart won't be in it, but it's an important action that works in positive ways.
Don't tell her what I am telling you. You just start living it. Living as if you are separated/divorced means you do not give your W details about GAL. Most women are curious and want details about what their H does, and most of all.......who was there with him or who he saw. Even a W who thinks she no longer wants him, finds it difficult to not ask wifey questions. However, she is setting you free, and she no longer wants to be your W.......so, she loses the right to gets answers to her nosy questions. Whenever she asks personal questions and you aren't sure how to answer, learn to just look at her with a tiny little smile creeping around your mouth, as if to say......"Really?".....and then shake your head just a little (as if amazed she has the audacity to ask) and move on to doing something else. Never act as if it makes you angry, and don't get sarcastic with her.
This may sound foolish, when comparing to the seriousness of your stitch. However, it can be affective when it hits her that she no longer has any control over what you do, when you do it, where you do it, how much you do it, or who you do it with. Let me be perfectly clear that you never lie to her! You just give vague answers to her questions. You know, much in how you would give a little old neighbor lady who was asking nosey questions, all while you are trying to get away from her.
As long as she can reach you by your cell phone (in case of an emergency), that's all that's necessary for her to know. This particular action has a two-fold purpose. First, of course, is to build up your self esteem and be around people who want to be with you.....and doing things you want to do. Every person who reports a healthy outcome, contributes most of it to getting a life that is not dependent on spouse/family. Secondly, it can be a real eye opener for your W. Not that it's going to redirect her decisions right away, but it can begin to plant a seed of doubt about her choices to leave the M.
I won't take up a lot of time explaining at the moment, but the one thing that most WW's have not honestly given much thought........is that her H may not be interested in sticking around to be her backup plan......especially when there has been a third party involved. She sees her H as always being there and remaining her "friend". Like you, many H's even use the phrase to tell their WW, "While you decide what you want"........which is basically saying you are acting as if you are available to be her backup plan. So, it's important that your actions relate to her that it's no longer about what she wants. From this point forward (until reconciliation) you are not waiting around to see what she decides. Remember, you don't voice this message, you live it.
Usually, the WW is not seeing herself being replaced in his heart/life. It actually makes some WW's angry that he seems so happy after the decision to split. There is a reason for it. She thinks her H will pine away for her, while she lives a lovely life without him. You see, her mind is filled with a fantasy, and therefore, she is not prepared for the reality of the consequences her decisions bring. One of those realities should be to see herself losing her H. This can be accomplished without him getting involved with another woman. She can lose your personal interest in being with her. That's the killer.
Currently, she views this picture with her being the one who dumped the H, so it's quite a shock to see that he is dumping her. To the logical minded person, this may sound immature. Nevertheless, that is an example of the wayward mindset. Therefore, don't say something poetic about always being there for her, or how she can call you anytime she has a problem, or that you will always love her no matter what she does, etc. It sounds sweet, but a WW does not need to hear these type of responses from her H. She is already self-centered and feels entitled. Don't help her take further advantage of you, and don't recuse her when reality goes knocking on her door. Reality is the wrecking ball that destroys her fantasy.
To be clear, I am not suggesting you run out and start dating. Don't intentionally try to make her jealous, b/c she'll see through it. No, I am only giving you a very brief explanation of how being a little mysterious and getting a life can affect her. The main thing is just to do it for the benefits you gain from it.
Since she wants a separation, I suggest you not participate in her family traditions/occasions. Don't celebrate her birthday or the wedding anniversary. Don't sweat over the little things. Ask yourself if you would do it years from now when both of you have new spouses and new in-laws. (Not that you will be M to someone else.......but just to use as a temporary guide in some of these day to day decisions). Although these actions may not be what your heart wants, and it may seem like anything but saving your M............these are actions that present a realistic picture of life after S/D. Your WW will take notice, and whenever the results do not benefit her......she won't like it. If you have the habit of pleasing your W (for whatever reason) you must break it. In a normal, loving, balanced relationship, it is natural to want to please the spouse. It becomes unbalanced when (1) the H basically stops having a voice, becomes passive, and all his decisions/actions are according to the desires of his W...................or, (2) when the W develops an entitled attitude and becomes demanding, moody, and manipulative.
The relationship talks must stop. You can't believe what she says, and she won't hear your words. However, she will watch everything you do. Most newcomers cannot understand how they can work out the marriage problems if they don't talk about it. Currently, nothing can be resolved in a conversation.........b/c the two of you are in different places. You cannot reason with insanity or a WW. The more you try to persuade her, the faster she'll run. Don't try to pull back on the rope you have tied to her. Just let it go.
I'm not pushing divorce, in case you wonder. I believe "timing" is important. She has to go through a process, and the harder you work to stop it......the longer it will take for her to go through it. The fastest way is to emotionally let her go. You don't have to tell her, b/c she'll sense it. Will it prevent her living with another man? Who knows! Some WW's have come to the board, begging for help b/c their betrayed H had left. As soon as the H discovered the A, he was out of there! No talk, no discussion, no waiting around.......he was gone. It immediately reversed everything. Her wayward mindset came to a halt, and she was pursuing him, b/c she realized what she really wanted. Human nature........it's a peculiar thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
