Update: no new GAL activities because of work limitations. But still hitting the gym 6 days a week. Up coming GAL is volunteering to teach chess at the local library, joining a running club, and book club.
I need some advice, I asked W today if we are exchanging xmas gifts and she said yes of course and asked why? I said well b/c of everything going on I wasn't sure.
Then asked if we are giving the children gifts together, again she said yes. She said she would like to give the older children money and the youngest gets money and gifts. I dont know if I want to do this.
Next problem is that we celebrate xmas at my inlaws every year so I asked her what the plan was and she said she thinks its there this year but wasnt sure b/c her mom wasnt feeling so good. I said ok let me know. I do not think I want to go, please someone advise...
BTW my work hours are 9pm to 5am six days a week and sometimes seven. Plus I have to work from home doing various ppw issues. This is my own business and I would have been financially set in about another 18 months.
I keep reading these boards and I see many guys getting to the point of wanting to file themselves, is it the frustration? I do not seek revenge and I do not want to be vindictive but she will def think b/c I want to fight for whats fair that I am being vindictive.
I look back to so many situations years ago when a female at work would come in and annouce that she was in the process of getting divorced, everyone would lend an open ear and give sympathy. Now I have a better understanding when they would lay the ground work that the H was abusive, then you meet the guy and he is nothing that was explained by the ExW. Funny how these W's have to plant misinfo to reinforce thier WW ways.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
“I look back to so many situations years ago when a female at work would come in and announce that she was in the process of getting divorced, everyone would lend an open ear and give sympathy. Now I have a better understanding when they would lay the ground work that the H was abusive, then you meet the guy and he is nothing that was explained by the ExW. Funny how these W's have to plant misinformation to reinforce their WW” < Classic WS behavior, someone should write a book on it…
I assume you are wanting to reconcile your marriage..?
When I first started to research the madness of an A I came across an article with the croix of it suggesting that when you get to the point where you feel you can no longer continue to fight GIVE IT ANOTHER YEAR!
There are many principles/strategies regarding how to “manage” your situation, these boards are a great place because all have either lived through what we’re going through or are living through a situation like our own. The vet’s experience is vital BUT so is FACT! I’m an avid believer in the limerent affects (the fact I mention) in people probably too much! Limerence tends to fade over time and this is the gift you’re receiving at the moment. If your frustrated at seeing little happening which can be deemed successful your still possibly too connected to WW, I feel you need to look at focusing more on you and forget about the journey your WW is on.
Remember you have no control of her so why get frustrated? Work on you and the actions that benefit bhappy2 NOT your WW, remain a confident, happy always smiling person and remain positive for a positive outcome. Negativity is contagious DON’T ALLOW IT IN.
The “give it another year” statement is beneficial IF RC a M as this helps dissipate the limerent affects it also strangely allows us to follow the DR principles which can only aid in either bringing the M back together OR prepare for a life without our WW.
One principle I follow is to slooooow everything down, no escalation of D even any talk if I can help it I do this with the belief that eventually if I’m extremely lucky my WW’s limerence will fade and whilst I’m showing the best Mark due to the DR principles she could turn her head back to the M and RC.
Hope this helps.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Up coming GAL is volunteering to teach chess at the local library, joining a running club, and book club.
That's great!
How are you coming on reading the links in Cadet's homework? I am going to post a copy about detaching that I really like.
So, about your questions regarding Christmas. WW's usually want to carry on with tradition, as if nothing has changed. You said you didn't know if you liked her suggestion about the gifts to the kids. But, you didn't say what your objections are. As for attending the celebrations at your in-laws, that is up to you. If there is no separation and nobody really knows anything is going on.......it would probably just make you look like the bad guy by not attending. I don't give this same advice in all cases. I just get this feeling about yours that you need to use this opportunity to show your best side......as if it's your last chance.
My suggestion for how you should act throughout the holidays is to....... shine like a star. Put on your best face and enjoy your family. Put all this stuff behind you and act as if you are fine with the world. Be cooperative as best that you possibly can. If you examine everything she says and does......you will find a flaw. So, just place it on the back burner for now, okay? Your objective is to not put pressure on her. I mean, you don't have to shield her from everything.......but any pressure she feels should not be coming from you.
Don't smother her with your presence or communication. Follow her lead for the next two-three weeks. If she is warm and talkative, then mirror it back to her. You can do this for the rest of the month, can't you? Just keep your senses about yourself and don't start thinking this is some kind of "sign" that she's reaching out.
Let me ask you, when she's cold or acting b'tchy, have you ever tried to put your arm around her and ask her what's bothering her? Just wondering. If that doesn't work to open her up......then just stay the heck away from her. I don't mean you have to act like a doormat to her mood swings. Sometimes, women have to be called out about their bad behavior.........even if they are in a bad mood. Since your grown daughter told you to stop letting mom b'tch at you, I get the impression you haven't called her out very often. Here's the thing, most women can control their behavior....even if they are experiencing bad moods.
If your W does not pursue D by the first of the year, then I wouldn't worry too much about her running and filing. I get the impression that she threatens D as some type of leverage. One reason I say this is b/c when she threatens D, it's a reaction to some really silly things. I don't know how you react when she threatens D, but she seems to use it like a tool on you. So, how serious she really is..........who knows? She has not given you a sound reason for getting a D. And, that is usually indicative of an A.......but it is not an absolute.
How well does she take care of herself? Does she see her gynecologist regularly? Has she had an hysterectomy, and if so, does she take any HRT?
Do you notice that her mood swings seem worse than they were in the past?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for all the responses, currently my W intiates conversations with me since I have really stepped up DB. She even asked me if I needed anything from the store and bought me some shirts. Temp checking maybe? I am going to be my happy pleasant self throught this process.
Sandi, I have read all Cadet's HW and pretty much read every current sitch on this board. I fully realize what needs to be done but as many LBH putting to practice what is suggested is very difficult. I am there though and yes I see a change in her, but I also am aware not to believe this means anything.
I will also state that I firmly believe she either is having an EA, PA, or FA. I am not naive enough to believe she would just do this without there being someone else. I am also done snooping, I just do not want to do it.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
How well does she take care of herself? Does she see her gynecologist regularly? Has she had an hysterectomy, and if so, does she take any HRT?
Do you notice that her mood swings seem worse than they were in the past?
I do not know about the gynocologist, no hysterectomy but her mother and older S60 have had them. I do not think she is taking anything such as HRT but she does take medicine for her thyroid. I mood swings are much worse than in the past but also much less in the last four months, she is increasingly nicer. But I also have backed completely off almost to the point of wanting the D. It is hard to explain but I think after the hurt we (me) start to think clearer and I want a relationship that both people contribute.
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M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Picked up D18 from college yesterday she was so thankful for not havving to take the bus. Great ride home and we stopped to get Starbucks.
I am running about 25-30 miles a week and continue to hit the gym. My stress level goes down immensely when I work out.
I am going to see The Last Jedi tonight (by myself) and looking forward to it.
Things that have changed since BD, I would say my confidence is back, also I have gained back about 10 lbs. and happy about it.
There is a song I listen to that really describes my (our) situations its called "Record Year" by Eric Church. Listen carefully to the lyrics its absolutely telling you to get a life.
Since you turned the tables on me no way I am letting her do this to me, I have a life too, and I want to be happy!!!!
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Nice work Happy....hang in there and it sounds like your doing well. Working out is the ultimate stress relief and it is virutally impossible to feel down when you increase your endorphine levels. Most of them are and mine probably is too, can't worry about that keep doing you! Good to hear!
