ok so it seems like you are sitting right next to me with the amount of my sitch that you described. I will take full responsibilty for not meeting her emotional needs, no excuses on that part. Things were as you wrote she was nagging and I asked her to stop then she became quiet and cold until BD, then it was nasty and mean. I entured that for two months trying to reason, logic, and some would say beg. I stopped doing that and she backed off on the D.
I am in pain its just right now my pain and feeling sorry for myself doesn't help me and I really needed to focus on my emotional needs. I have a safety sensative job and it was affecting my ability to be safe.
At this point yes, I do not know what makes HER tick, I would def read more and be more emotional I do want that, but even before BD she was so focused on the children our time was limited.
I appreciate your responses and I hope I can grow as a person who can be more sensative towards my W and/or future relationships. I have already cut back on my work schedule to make more family time, not just with her but for everyone.
Can you tell me how to reply using a quote.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
The cell phone was an issue from long ago b/c as our children got older and started their careers I wanted them to pay for their own phones, of course she wanted me to continue to pay so that they could get a good headstart in saving for their future.
Looking back now on yesterday's convo it does seem punitive I will not do that again. So should I just keep paying it? Have her pay her share? Also while this convo happened my W started to tear up and broke out in hives all over her neck and face. She looked like she was in a panic.
Currently three of the oldest children still live at home but they all work full time, the youngest is away at school. They all have an idea about whats going on and are seeing my W act in some strange ways. Oldest D23 said to me to stop letting mom be a B***h to you. That was a wake up call that the kids were noticing her disrespect towards me.
We went to dinner a few months ago and my W, who never would argue with a waitress started and fight with the waitress over a glass of water, it was very uncomfortable... this is so out of character for her.
I will not make any moves without posting here first to get opinion so here goes:
We have a function tomorrow that we both need to attend for one of our children the seats are together and we will need to take a train to get there. Do I go with her? do I pay for the tickets for the train? Do we sit together? I mean right now I am the devil to her so she may not want to go.
Sandi I struggle with posting more information b/c its so identifiable. The last thing I need is for her to see this thread.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
BH.....when my W moved out I continued to pay her cell phone bill for about 2 months. I then told her that I was no longer going to pay it and it was one of my personal boundaries. She asked me if she could give me money for it and I told her "no" that I did not want to be responsible for anything that has to do with her apartment. She looked at me weird but put up no fight. With that said we did have a financial agreement in place between the both of us when she moved out that would provide enough money for her to pay her own bills.
I refused to pay it but I put her in a position to make it happen due to our financial arrangement when she moved out.
Don't say anymore about the phone (one way or the other) for right now. See what she does about it. Her reaction could have come from being (1) shocked at you, and (2) feeling anxiety from the little glimpse of realism she received.
If you had just made her mad b/c she thought you were being a jerk, why would she not have gotten into it with you, like she did the waitress over a glass of water? Who knows!
If I understand correctly, there is no type of separation in the M.......is that correct?
What does your W's paycheck cover?
Quote:
We have a function tomorrow that we both need to attend for one of our children the seats are together and we will need to take a train to get there. Do I go with her? do I pay for the tickets for the train? Do we sit together? I mean right now I am the devil to her so she may not want to go.
I would go ahead and act as usual about the tickets and seats, b/c you are not a separated couple. If she complaines about the seats, tell her she is welcome to purchase her own. Otherwise, don't mention it.
Be a gentleman and enjoy the event. Show your charm, great personality, etc., as long as she is not acting like a b'tch. No relationship talk, no snide remarks, etc. You may need to take something on the train to occupy your time, in case she is in a sullen mood. Don't act worried about her mood, and act as if you are enjoying yourself. It's not your job to get her in a better mood. That's up to her. Don't take her cr@p. Don't take her showing disrespect to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
thank you Sandi, I have always maintained a positive attititude in social functions during this sitch. My wife often gets compliments about how lucky she is to have such an awesome family.
No there is no type of S we are just not having any intimacy and she will not do anything with me alone. She sleeps on the couch.
OK so here goes and this is an area that always bothered me:
MY W's PAYCHECK GOES IN HER ACCOUNT AND SHE USES IT FOR HERSELF AND ON THE KIDS.
Since BD she contributes nothing, except for once in a while she will buy soap or paper towels Etc. I pay for everything (i don't need 2x4's for this).
I also want to add that as I am coming of as not wanting to save my marriage I really do.. I just am not going to let her push me around anymore.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Its sad that the majority of people who end up here go through the same routine. Not all will end up regaining their spouse, some will go through a few more relations not k nowing why and others will flourish, either with their current spouse or a new one.
In my experience a relationship that ends up like the ones here really needs a LOT of work to pull through. The positive side is that if you follow the advice but more importantly learn to develop your own initiative you grow as a partner.
You will never be the same, that is one of the results if you apply the techniques.
It is good you can keep your emotions in check, a lot of guys here are really having a hard time to keep their composure and need to work on themselves before trying on the relationship. The pressure is great and they are really way over their heads.
In my darkest hours I held heart to heart conversations with my wife to lay out my actions such as why I did things a certain way, admit I was wrong when I was and mention the things i was lacking from our relationship.
Many times during our rows like you have had she would throw dirt on me until one day I decided it was enough and said my sentence was over. I had paid for that with heartbreak, loneliness and guilt but my time was up and if she really deep down could never see to forgive then there was no sense continuing as a couple.
Forgiveness is important to yourself and to her. Looking back we have all scr3w3d up big time. If we really go back we can remember times when our spouses would light up when we met. The smiles, etc. We then feel guilt as we feel that we turned that person full of energy, life, hopes and dreams into what we have before us. We need to accept our part and forgive ourselves as we need to forgive them at some point. Bitterness is a heavy burden to carry. We will never move forward or move on if we dont let it go.
I always use as an example the sex starved marriage situation. If our spouses deprive us of sex and we need it to fulfill our relationship we find ways to get it. It then becomes artificial, as a chore if the lower drive spouse concedes. Is they do not we then start to miss those things that made the relationship work until inevitably an affair or Divorce occurs.
If we take the affair route and are caught, we are the bad ones. We tried to fill a space that the person who promised to love us neglected. Obviously there is no excuse for an affair but if you are a little understanding you can see that we were not cold hearted we just wanted affection, feel loved, part of something.
If you do want her back you will to forgive her and yourself which is why in my case when she was cold to me and hated me I felt in a way the same because I wanted something from her that I never got neither.
It was not until reading books by MWD and the part on making the first move and how my actions cause reactions that the ball started rolling. Everything else over time fell into place. I began to need less the board as I began to understand the game.
In a way this is like playing chess. Once you know how the pieces move and see some basic pointers, by constantly playing you begin to define your own strategy, moves, counter moves to achieve the goal.
Here is the same. Over time you will develop into a different person and handle things ina different way, not only at home but in general and if you do have a shot at making it work you will be better prepared.
So dont be too harsh on her or yourself, set your boundaries, enforce them, work on yourself, dont be too fixated on petty day to day battles but think outside the box.
The goal if you want her back is to win her back, dont beat her down even if you have the chance but defend yourself. Learn about baby steps, small acts that mean a lot to her but maybe nothing to anyone else, be like an expression used here during my time, a lighthouse to her when she is messed up. Dont go to her but make her feel safe coming to you.
I could go on with the things I learny and examples i have seen but I think you get the picture. Just know that it will take time to heal and there will be scars. You just have to make sure you think the juice is worth the squeeze.
So yesterday we went to our son's graduation from a LE agency and it was great. I worked overnight and got home about 5:30am and woke about 8am. I told W I would get a taxi to take us to the train and she said that she got D23 to drive us. While waiting for the train W was asking me if i wanted coffee b/c I was up all night and didint get a lot of sleep. I got coffee when we got to the location.
She was pleasant and seemed like her old self and was asking questions, I could tell she was excited for our son. As we walked in the location it was very crowded and it was open seating I found two seats away from the crowd and we sit down, an usher comes over and says you just picked the two best seats in the house. We ended up being right next to the bagpipes and the graduates entrance. The ceromony was so moving my W was crying the whole time, she was just overcome with the bagpipes and all.
We sit through all the digniteries speeches (very boring) and as the graduates are leaving once again bagpipes and W is crying again. These were good tears I believe.
Now comes the point were everyone is trying to leave and W is def agitated, she even says to me that she wishes this "Fat B**ch" would get out of her way. Totally out of character for her and she seems really angry until we make it to the train to get home. Small talk on the train home and pics with our son.
Today I will be hitting the gym for a 4-5 mile run and then clothes shopping. I signed up for a free crossfit class and if I like it I will join.
Going away for a night, Sat night to visit friends.
I have a group of about 20 friends who are going on a cruise and I was asked to go, I am currently considering it.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
Nice about Xfit and night out, you need to disconnect, recharge emotional batteries and live a little.
As for the cruise I would definitely go, it will be refreshing. She may get a hump over it but you need to take care of yourself as she does herself by herself. She may attack you, make you feel guilty etc but stick to your guns.
The truth is you need to find the courage to let go of what you cant change.
