waw maybe

[bhappy2]

Thank you Sandi for your insight and yes you are spot on I worked my butt off providing for my family. Yes the side effect for that was a decline in our alone time and often we were two ships passing in the night. I do know she lost all repect for me and is not attracted to me at the moment.

She went to a L in July and gave me a letter that she wanted a quick and amicable D. She wanted it over ASAP and said when all the children were home we would tell them together that we decided we would get a D. I told her absolutely not and I would tell the children that this was mom's decision and I was willing to work on it . That was July 16th and since then she has not mention D again.

I have been DB since with a couple of mess up's but I am now ready for the D if thats what happens. My sitch now is I do not know what to do, we still do things as a family and occasionally she will do things to help me but there has been no intimacy for over 5 months and I would never even ask her for a hug.

Yes I pay for everything and I also asked her to move out and she declined I really do not now what steps to take at this point. I do not intiate convo's with her and the children really this she is off the rails. When she speaks to them she is all over the map and somewhat irrational with basic thngs.

I have a date in my head that I will file for D myself but I know thats a while away.

Like I have said before I truely believe there is someone else I just cannot prove it, b/c if I could she would have the D papers right now.

Sandi I have read your entire sitch, front to back... I ask you now what should I do and I will follow it. I have the strength to follow through with whatever it takes and I am prepared for D if it comes to that.

[sandi2]

Sandi I have read your entire sitch, front to back... I ask you now what should I do and I will follow it. I have the strength to follow through with whatever it takes and I am prepared for D if it comes to that.

I am more than happy to help, however, let me add something important. You need to learn about the principles and techniques in DBing. Learn and apply the 37 rules, and if you don't understand one, then ask. Make sure you read all the links provided on the welcome post from Cadet. Many newcomers spend time asking questions that have already been explained in these links. I also have several threads about the WW.

I may not be able to provide an outlined step-by-step plan that will cover every situation with every correct word and action, but I think I can tell you many things that do work, and don't work, with a WW. I went through a ton of things in my WW threads.

The first thing I will tell you is to forget In-house Separation. They don't work to reconcile a couple. As many LBH's have said, it's soul crushing. Physical separation has been known to have some successes. However, don't do it just b/c you think I am implying that you should. This is such a terrible time of year for families to split........not that there is ever a "good" time.

The second thing......and I realize I may be suggesting nearly the impossible, is to forget about her being intimate with you. The lack of sex can become a souce for a strained/cold MR, however, having sex is not the answer to fixing the hardened heart of the W who no longer feels attraction & desire for her H. By attraction, I am not just talking about physical attributes in him, but the real person inside the body. If she's not attracted to that guy.......having sex is not seen by her as a "fix-all". Some WW's will have sex with their H when they are actually hot & heavy for OM in their EA. Although sex is important in a MR, I don't suggest you currently use it as a measuring stick. That's JMHO. I believe a wife having sex with her H b/c she desires him, is a natural response. However, she is designed to feel desire for only one man at a time. Yes, she can physically have sex without the desire, but would you want it if you knew she was dreaming of OM? Maybe so......IDK. From what I've read, most H's want to be the guy in the W's mind when they are being intimate.

Third thing, is to be reading the link on boundaries. Don't start trying to set any right now..........just study the subject. Too many men bite off more than they are prepared to swallow. So, study first. Then think about your core values, beliefs, morals, integrity, etc. Do you know what you stand for, or what you won't tolerate? If not, you had better give it a lot of thought.

Got to go for now.

[Maximus]

Hi BH,

I have been reading your situation and found a few things curious.

You come off to me as a guy with fixed non flexible values with everything having to be for a reason.

I see other guys here all over the place and exceptionally weak but all have one thing in common, they show emotion. I get from you the opposite, little emotion, just desire to solve this problem like a business project with calculated steps. Problem is she is playing with a different set of rules. Emotional ones and logic goes out the window.

Some advocate snooping to find out if there is an OM. In a situation like yours tbh my question is does it matter really, unless an affair is a deal breaker. In a situation like yours, she has clearly told you she wants out, an OM is just a distraction for you. The breakdown of the relationship is the underlying issue. I know affairs are delicate and challenge our manhood, pride, etc but even though if we did find out that there was an OM there would then be follow up questions and so on. My advice is forget the OM if you can.

In your posts and many others I see, there is a lot of Detaching and GAL comments. Thats great but have you stopped to wonder what it is she doesnt like about you? Do you think it is just that she likes an OM so that HAS to be the cause? or because you worked your butt off and that caused her to shutdown. Do you know if there are other issues about yourself you need to evaluate?

You seem to be more in control than others but also a lot less tolerant and in these cases where you never know where the next strike will come from, rigidness can your worst enemy.

Probably doesnt make sense but I wish you well to overcome this situation.

Peace

[bhappy2]

I do not have enough time right now to write anything up but thank you for writing and I will write it up asap.

[bhappy2]

Sandi, I have set no firm boundries bc right now it was just getting along doing things as a family. She will not do anything with me alone and other than telling me on july 16th that she wants a D i do not see any place to set boundries. So with that said here is what I did today:

I asked W to start paying her own cell phone bill, the cell phone bill is in her name and I asked to switch it back to my name and for her to get her own bill with her line. I pay the bill right now but this issue was bothering me since BD and i read that you said that LBH should make WW pay there own way.

Well you guessed it she said fine and now that I want her off the bill she will be filing for D after Xmas and she doesnt want the kids to know anything until we are actually D'ed. I said if thats the way you feel then file tomorrow, she said again she doesnt want to upset the children. As we are having this conversation I was calm cool and never raised my voice, she starts to tear up and breaks out in hives all over her neck.

She left for work and I havent heard anything from her. She has a completely harded heart and she also said for many years I was not there for her.

[bhappy2]

Maximus, Yes I seem emotionally detached but I can assure you this was not the case for the first two months after BD. How much should we punish ourselves for things out of our control. I take full responsibilty for not being there emotionally for my wife, I had no choice to work and I worked sometimes two full time jobs to make ends meet.

Yes I have values that can be flexible if need be but infidelity is not one of them, I pride myself on being faithful and would never cheat on my W. There are many reasons for not wanting to accept my W if she had an A I do not want an STD and also what if the guy is a stalker, there are a ton of crazies out there. I have friends that have cheated and gave thier spouse and std and they stayed together.

I have completely stopped looking if there is OM like you said it doesnt matter. She doesnt want to be with me why would I want to be with her. I tried for two months, the only results I have seen is when I started DB and I have given her plenty of space.

I do not have a great GAL but when I have free time I do go out and do things. I go to the gym 6 days a week and I am a seasoned runner.

Part of me is getting resentful towards my W for not communicating that she wasnt happy with me working so much. But lights do not come on for free, cable bill needs to be paid, mortgage has to be paid. These are not to justify why I wasnt there emotionally for my W but just trying to give as many details as possible.

I am always seeking ways to improve myself so that I do not make the same mistakes in any future R, I asked her what are some of the reasons she wants out and the only thing she said was that over twenty years ago I said "Its cheeper to Keep Her" and thats the reason she wants a D.

She also doesnt want anyone to know anything until we're D'ed. Tommorrow I go back to full time DBing. I am to the point were I just want this over!

[Tread]

Good job putting that phone bill on your W. And like a child she had a tantrum and suddenly started pushing for divorce. If she cared abiut the children, ahe wouldn't be doing this. So Don't let that after the holidays talk throw you off. You need to tell the children now. Not when it's suddenly convient for yoir aftwr the divorce is final.

[Maximus]

Hi BH,

Your comments remind me of lots of examples I read in the books by MWD.

Your case seems like you two were 2 ships passing in the night with 2 different love languages. You probably showed your love by working hard so she could have a comfortable life and hers was spending time with you. In any case your example seems text book.

What I was referring to is that you don't come across a a guy who has shown emotional weakness or shown her that you really need her, emotionally and physically. Its all well and good to kiss and make love and do the dishes etc but sometimes women need to see our vulnerable side. Show them we love them, need them and will protect them. Not being a pu$$y, just a more emotionally intimate side.

You come across to me as an organized clear headed do the right thing independant guy who would give his life for his wife no doubt but wont tell her if hes hurting because you're not built that way.

In relationships its about combining dependance and independence.

Anyway I may be wrong but I just don't feel your pain, its more like she burst your pride than broke your heart.

As to your comment about being resentful. If you read the books, you will probably see she was trying to communicate to you but you weren't listening.

I have noticed a constant pattern when things start to spiral. She goes from loving to nagging to silence to BD. I tell all my friends to bless their wives when they are nagging and kiss them because it is their SOS that the marriage is in problems and they are fighting to save it. We take it another way and shut them out until they stop. Then comes the silence where we think we won and are happy with ourselves.

The only problem is that it is the calm before the storm.

Finally, as to your last paragraph about asking her what you did wrong. Her reply is now an excuse and there are many other reasons but I would imagine that what lit the fuse was that comment.

You should really read Men / Mars & Women / Venus book. I have a sense you don't know how women tick.

Don't want over, I am not a psychologist, dont know her mindset but I think (and its my perosnal opinion) you have a chance but just need to be more emotional. Make her feel like a woman.

Peace

[sandi2]

Well you guessed it she said fine and now that I want her off the bill she will be filing for D after Xmas and she doesnt want the kids to know anything until we are actually D'ed.

Well, if it had not been the cell phone issue, it would have been something else. From this point forward, please check here before you decide to make a move like taking away something from her. Not that you can't think for yourself, but you have a lot going on in your head and it may be difficult to know how to balance some of the information you are receiving.

I caution you to be careful that your actions do not appear punitive. As you said, you've set no boundaries, and suddenly you tell her to get her own phone plan. Did you tell her why?

Yes, IMHO, if the W is threatening D (and especially treating the H disrespectfully), then she needs to have a glimpse of what's in store. Remember that timing is critical in everything! It can make all the difference in the world as to how effective your interactions will be with your spouse.

I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm just trying to give you information. It takes time for us to cover so many topics, examples, and address pertinent issues with the individual posters. All we have is what you tell us. We may misinterpret something, and if so, you can set us straight or not bother........but just as long as you "get it". Sorry, I seem to be rambling.

[sandi2]

How many kids are living at home with you?

Oh, and you said you almost wished there was an OM b/c it would make sense for her craziness. No, it wouldn't. It would send you into a tailspin, and your focus would be on him. It complicates things even more.