WAS OR WHAT 10

[OwnIt]

Interesting Roist, my H complains any time we have a talk (which isn't often) that I never tell him anything. I've told him time and again that he is the one who left and if he wants to know anything he needs to ask me. He just gets by on less and less information and tries to get it from the kids, who are no longer playing along with him. Now he just makes wild assumptions that I hear about from time to time. I was an over-sharer in the marriage and always gave him the low-down without him having to ask. Sounds like your situation was the opposite.

In terms of the experiment and annotate, have you ever tried to be more open and forthcoming just to observe what her response is and whether it opens a quest for information in her? Probably won't, but what have you to lose?

[roist]

Thanks Gordie,

The thing is she was at breaking point. I didn't interfer with that accept keeping the boys out of her hair. And instead of pulling further away she asked for more from me.

I don't know how much W accepts responsability but she is still self focused so you are probably right. Secondly the boys have been frustrating.

[roist]

Ownit

Thanks for your input.

I have tried. She does not refuse that I speak but often felt like there was noone there. Maybe now she is more receptive. I have nothing to lose.

In the very early days after I decided to work on the M I would have been able to discuss openly anything and everything. Slowly by continually hitting a wall I have slipped back. I am willing to put in an effort but only so much alone.

Best wishes

[roist]

Job,
I would be interested in your opinion. Initially I was inclined to revisit the conversation as it really finished abruptly and seemed unfinished.

I will continue as is for now and improve my openness to communication. We have not had any R talk since Feb 2016. Chatting made me feel like I time warped back to the beginning of my journey almost three years ago, except I am detached and she expressed an interest in more.

I feel maybe the time is right to verbalise a little of what I want or don't want. I know it is too early to roadmap our happy ever after plan, but maybe time to state that the longer I am shut out, the less I want to get back in and sooner or later I am likely to prefer to not reconnect.

I don't mean issue an ultimatum but verbalise a reality. But even without expressing myself, a conversation could be enligthning about her perspective.

Job, you have a wealth of experience observing these situations that I value your insight. Others feel free to let me know what you interpret.

[Treasur]

Dreams more than goals, roist?

[Gordie]

Can't believe how long it's been since your last r talk. And kids driving you crazy? Yeah, that happens. No idea when it's right to initiate those given how long it's been for you and how you are feeling. And what made this vacation different to make you feel like maybe it was the last one?

[roist]

Tresure what is your question?

Gordie

Kids are a handful but as my W repeatedly pointed out to me it is of no good to blow your top with them . I avoided quoting her though!!

This holiday was no different to others recently. I guess it is less interesting to me to live that way. It is not full.

As for how long it has been, the rule is simple I never brought it up. Sounds easy but not. So now she has kind of brought it up, so I thought it worth mentioning.

Best wishes

[job]

roist,

Instead of you coming up w/suggestions on how to handle things and her rejecting each of your suggestions, why not try something different? If she shoots down an idea of yours, then turn the tables and ask her what she would suggest doing. Listen, validate and even bite your tongue if the suggestions aren't up to your liking. Sometimes, we have to turn the tables in order to get our point across. Give her the impression that you are open to suggestions and try them. If they don't work, then you may need to offer up additional suggestions. Open the door for conversation and allow her to step inside. Allow her to express herself and above all else...listen and you might be surprised at what you hear from her.

Just like teenagers, she doesn't know how to express herself properly and thinks "dad" will reject her ideas and call her to task about them.

BTW, I read all of the threads and sometimes I don't respond because I see that others have provided the same advice that I would have.

[roist]

Thanks job, for your reply and the guidance you offer us all here.

I heard something today about damaging beliefs and one woman admitting/realising that whenever her H acted the way she wanted him to she couldn't get passed all the times he didn't and unc9nsciously 0unished his good behavior as being inadequate based on previous less attractive behaviour.

In essence instead of encouraging the better behaviour she reacted coldly due to her feelings in general about their R. Her reaction discouraged H to keep trying and reinforced the behaviour/ interactions she wanted to abolish.

I have been aware of this concept a long time now but today this resonated with me. Due to how we have been for so long has affected my ability to show fully my appreciation for the small positives I see. I have shown appreciation.II have expressed it and I have cherished it. BUT I have remained somewhat distant. I have shown love and respect whilst keeping distant.

I want to review this and adjust where possible. This is not who I want to bei don't do this believing it will improve things but with the belief that it could. Whether it does or not is beyond my control but I think I have squandered some potential connecting opportunities due to my limiting beliefs.

Long story short, I continue tweaking my approach and will do so. One day I may decide to move on but for now I am happy to move forward.

Thanks for reading. Be well

[ForeverYoung]

Hi roist!

I feel maybe the time is right to verbalise a little of what I want or don't want. I know it is too early to roadmap our happy ever after plan, but maybe time to state that the longer I am shut out, the less I want to get back in and sooner or later I am likely to prefer to not reconnect.

I don't mean issue an ultimatum but verbalise a reality. But even without expressing myself, a conversation could be enligthning about her perspective.

So you both want more from the other, but both are withholding to some degree for various reasons. Waiting, even hoping for the other to step up. Does this sound about right?

Since what you are doing isn’t working, maybe it’s time to try something new.

She told you what she wants/needs… give it to her! Then start doing a better job of telling her what you want/need, and why it is so important to you and the marriage. Go back to the section in SSM where Michele gives excellent guidelines for having “The Talk”.

BUT I have remained somewhat distant. I have shown love and respect whilst keeping distant.

This is understandable, because you have been hurt. It's normal for us to pull back and detach to save ourselves. But is it working to bring you and your wife closer? It never worked for me.

Someone has to be the first to step up and make the extra effort. And yes, I know you already have, you haven't gotten everything you wanted, and it's not fair! Been there, done that.

Back to asking for what you want specifically and constructively. Don't fear this! You are in a relatively good situation.

You sound strong and like you have a lot left in you for your W and M. Try something new, take notes, do what works. Bust On!